


Evergreen

by Ragno, xipypuck



Series: Red-Eyed Owl [2]
Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hockey, Childhood Trauma, Explicit Sexual Content, Light BDSM, M/M, National Hockey League, Press and Tabloids
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-21
Updated: 2017-08-30
Packaged: 2018-09-01 09:17:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 92,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8618701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ragno/pseuds/Ragno, https://archiveofourown.org/users/xipypuck/pseuds/xipypuck
Summary: After the Stanley Cup final it's time to face what the world thinks of them. When the consequences of every one of their actions brings them back to real life, will love be enough to keep it all together?





	1. Owned Media

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you guys like this story at least as much as you liked the first one. Thank you so much for all the love you showed us, it was the fuel that made us keep creating. Shout out to [alltimeirene](http://archiveofourown.org/users/alltimeirene/pseuds/alltimeirene) for being an awesome beta and help us sound a little better in english. Enjoy! -R.

1.

 

_“_ _The Chicago Hounds taught us a hockey lesson last night during the sixth game of the Stanley Cup against Los Angeles Kings. They won the cup during the third part of a hard game that got Bryar’s team on the ropes more than once. But hockey was not the only show the Hounds put on that night. Number 89, defenseman Ryan Ross, put the cherry on top when, right after the game was over, he celebrated the victory kissing another man, the team's physiotherapist, on the lips. Although neither the coach nor the defenseman made comments about it during the press conference, there are already stories about Ross’ sexual orientation and his relationship with the physiotherapist, Brendon Urie. The organization ‘You Can Play’ which signed an agreement against homophobia with the NHL in 2013, already showed their total support to the defenseman. But Ross won't say a word about it yet. We don’t know how the rest of the Hounds have reacted to this bombshell, because they have declined to be interviewed about it, but there’s still a chance Ross, considered one of the best defensemen in the NHL, could pay dearly being the first player coming out of the closet in this game. And how he did it!"_

Brendon moves the little spoon in his cup of coffee while he scrolls down, looking at his phone screen, rereading the news. He didn’t think people still used the expression “coming out of the closet” and his mind automatically imagines Ryan sitting at the bottom of his closet, covered in clothes. He snorts a laugh just because of that picture, although he’s got blisters inside his mouth from so much biting. Somehow Brendon thought he’d have that kind of unreal feeling, like the first moment you stay in silence after attending a show, or when you come back from holidays and it seems that it was all a dream the moment you start your daily routine again. It’s been just a few days since it happened, but it seems like no one is going to allow them to go back to any routine. From now on, their path is unknown.

He can still feel the way his heart wanted to jump out of his chest, reverberating hard and heavy, louder than the lights, the voices, the camera flashes. He remembers the salt in the kiss, the heavy heat from Ryan’s body, covered in sweat, and how tall he looked in his skates, how tall Brendon felt with Ryan’s hands cradling his face, so tall Brendon had to hold on tight to not fall down right there. He thought about Linda and Spencer, because his brain does that kind of things, thinks about unrelated stuff, or maybe not so unrelated. He wanted to ask Ryan if he thought that was the same as Linda felt when Spencer proposed at the end of that game; if this would be comparable. But, before he could notice, Bob grabbed them and Spencer moved to use his body as a shield, the team skating and surrounding them, making Brendon run and hold harder on Ryan to not slip and kiss the ice.

His legs were shaking when he set a foot in the locker room after he let go of Ryan and everything started spinning, becoming unstable. He felt the looks, just a few, but he felt them, right there. Now that he thinks about it, it makes sense, it was the locker room. He almost wanted to go to the showers with Ryan, just not to be left alone. He didn’t know what to do, how to act, what was expected of him. For a second, he thought Bob would say something to him when he stepped into the room, but the euphoria of winning the Stanley Cup was too much. The only thing that came out of his mouth was cheering and happy cries. Some people approached him that night, making jokes, especially when the alcohol started kicking in, and Brendon stopped paying attention to the ones that chose to keep a distance.

Ryan sits at the table in front of him, with his eyes fixed on his phone like he usually does since the Club and his manager and the press and everyone that has his phone number has decided that it's better for Ryan to look at his phone screen rather than to look into Brendon's eyes. Brendon reaches with his hand over the table and Ryan automatically does the same, holding each other even when his eyes are still looking different things. Brendon knows this is some kind of hiatus, that they can't hide forever and sooner or later, the Club would make Ryan give some explanation, answer all of the questions that are going around the press.

"Manager or Spencer?" Brendon asks, because at this hour in the morning it can't be anyone else, then he blocks his phone and starts having breakfast.

What Spencer did, didn't shock Brendon, when the lightest thing he called Ryan was 'irresponsible'. Of course, after how things had gotten better between them, Brendon understands Ryan didn't expect that reaction. Brendon was too used to that kind of reaction to take him by surprise, and Spencer was never discrete when it came to showing his real thoughts. If Brendon has never said anything about it, it's because Spencer is Ryan's friend and that's not his place. Ryan is the only one who can make decisions about it.

"Manager," Ryan answers, his voice still sleepy and tired, sighing and leaving his own phone over the table before he grabs a toast and bites it. The phone keeps on vibrating, but Ryan doesn't seem to care while he eats, caressing Brendon's hand with his thumb. "He says the Club won't stop calling him and he's tired of telling them he can't get in contact with me."

Brendon looks at him and twists his lips. Nothing new then.

"Maybe you should let them get in contact with you…" Brendon says, drinking his coffee and moving his fingers on Ryan's palm. Not that he's the most appropriate person to tell Ryan what he should do, but Brendon knows first hand you can't just hide forever.

"I know…" Ryan sighs again, this time blowing a raspberry when he lets the air out, wrinkling his nose and looking at Brendon. "It's just that I'm not in the mood, you know?" He says, laughing a little and finishing his toast, swallowing fast. "I'll call him later. I'm just trying to let some days pass, just out of laziness, but I see he won't stop being a pain in the ass until I talk to him, so."

Brendon bites his lips while he looks at his coffee mug, and he wants to cut the bacon in his plate but at the same time doesn't want to let go of Ryan's hand. It's stupid, but Brendon's used to have his head full of stupid thoughts, so it doesn't really matter. He grabs the bacon with his fingers and taking it to his mouth. It's hot, and he stains himself, but there are worse things in life.

"Have you read the press? We're on every front page. Still," he adds, laughing sideways and cleaning his fingers on a napkin before he takes his coffee mug again. "I wonder who or what will take those front pages from us. I'm curious."

"Whatever it is, it could do it as soon as possible," Ryan laughs, leaning in his chair and looking at Brendon, smiling. "You stained yourself."

"As always," Brendon laughs, looking down while he tries to find the spot with the tip of his tongue around his mouth. "Where?"

"I'll let you find out," Ryan laughs, looking at him soft and still a bit sleepy. "That way it's more fun."

"Asshole," Brendon laughs too, this time letting go Ryan's hand and grabbing a napkin to wipe his face, looking down on his shirt then to see if there are some crumbles there. "Now? Tell me, don't be a jerk."

Ryan laughs again but he nods and he promises Brendon's all clean now, or as clean as he can be. He takes his phone again but he just looks at the hour and his notifications, leaving it where it was after that. Brendon looks at him moving, a lot of things going on in his head, wondering what will the manager tell Ryan, what does the Club want, what will happen to them. It's not like they can erase what happened, as much as Brendon's sure the Club would love to have those flashy things the Men in Black had to wipe out your memory. He laughs thinking about it. For the Club, they're as dangerous as an alien phenomenon.

"I've got a job interview this afternoon for a private centre that works with small different sports teams," Brendon says, finishing his coffee and eating the rest of his breakfast. "I was thinking maybe if you have nothing else to do, you can drive me there," he asks, trying to sound casual. It's not like he's afraid of taking the L, he doesn't think he would be recognized by anyone, but his logical side tells him there's at least a possibility and, right now, there's not too much precaution.

"Sure," Ryan answers, crumpling his napkin and leaving it on top of his empty plate, starting to pick up the things but not standing up yet. "At what hour? I can wait for you too. Will it take too long?"

"I don't know, they were supposed to email me the info I need this morning, but they haven't got in contact with me yet. If it's for too long, I can tell Jacky to come pick me up if he's already out from work. It shouldn't take too long, but I wouldn't know. I've never had a proper job interview."

It's not like his teen summer jobs count a lot. Brendon has to admit he's nervous. He has the clothes he will wear prepared since last night, although he'd probably change it in the last minute.

"This is your first and your last one, you'll see. They can't pick anyone else if they got you," Ryan says, winking at him and smiling. "Don't worry, I'm on vacation, I'm unoccupied. I'll go running now, and then I'm free the rest of the day."

"Ugh, I was hoping you'd say 'I’m all yours'. You ruined the bad joke I was going to make," Brendon pouts, smiling then and getting the plates to take them to the kitchen. "Will you take the dogs too?"

"Yes," Ryan stretches on the chair and stands up too, getting a cloth to wipe the table. "Why? You in too?" He asks when he's back, passing Brendon and bumping their hips together.

"You promise you'll use a collar and take me on a leash too? I think I've seen a tree I'd love to pee," Brendon jokes, turning around and leaning on the counter. "I don't know, I thought about reading some articles Jacky sent me about, you know." Brendon makes a gesture with his hand. "Sports players, artists, actors, musicians, people who've been in this place before. But going running with you sounds more fun…"

"It _is_ more fun," Ryan says, wiping his hands and getting closer to Brendon, standing in front of him. "You can do that later if you want. Or not do it. Come with us, the dogs promised to leave you whichever tree you like," he adds.

"Do you think if you take me out for a walk on a leash people would start talking about that and forget the other thing, or would it just be an add up?" Brendon could imagine it, going for a walk like that. In fact, he could imagine himself sniffing a tree before peeing on it. Brendon can imagine a lot of things, actually.

"I think we would stop being just 'fags' and become 'mentally disturbed fags'," he says with a laugh, making the quotation marks with his fingers. "I bet the Club would love it."

"Hmm, you convinced me. I'll go with you," Brendon answers, opening a wide smile. He moves to get out of the kitchen and go to the stairs, on his way to their room to change clothes. "If you knew how many times people have called me 'mentally disturbed'… I kinda miss it," he laughs.

He doesn't really have running clothes, but it's summer, so he thinks his boxing shorts can do perfectly. For a moment he thinks about using one of Ryan's official tracksuit, but he's not sure whom they can find on their way and the Club wouldn't probably like it if they found out. He prefers not to do anything that he doesn't know the consequences of.

While he goes downstairs, his phone vibrates, and he takes it out to find that Cassie has sent him a picture. It's another headline, this time from a tabloid, with their picture covering the whole front, all zoomed in. Brendon wonders if they have one of those CSI guys working from them, those who can get a crystal clear license plate from a blurry black and white camera shot.

"Hey," he calls Ryan, running towards him and showing him the picture of their kiss in the front page. "We look good… Do you think I could get a copy?"

Ryan laughs, but he sounds more tired than amused, shaking his head and sighing before he walks towards the washing room to take off his shirt and leaving it there.

"We can take another one anytime you want," he says, coming back to Brendon and waiting beside the stairs. "Do you know what I hate about this? That my team won the fucking Stanley Cup and instead of talking about that, they keep talking about this. I get it, I guess. But, I don't know, it feels unfair for my teammates, you know? It's like their work has gone unnoticed because of my personal life, that it doesn't have anything to do with hockey," he makes a face, shrugging and moving his eyebrows like he thought something. "Not that way, at least," he adds, smiling then a little.

"Yeah…" Brendon nods, blocking his phone and putting it away in his pocket. He looks at Ryan for a second, thinking about saying something else but not really knowing what. "Go change. I'll prepare the dogs. And take a bottle of water. It’s so hot it doesn't seem like Chicago," he smiles, twisting his lips. Ryan laughs and nods, leaning in to kiss him short.

"Okay. I'll be back in a second," he answers, going upstairs then. Brendon looks at him go, making a mental note to stop making jokes about the topic.

He knows Ryan doesn’t find them funny. He neither, but it’s the only way he can deal with what it’s been going on. Brendon goes to take the leashes, calling the dogs while he thinks about what Ryan has just said. It’s normal to be upset, Ryan’s right, the Hounds won the Stanley Cup and even if it’s true the sports press has acknowledged it, the headlines have always been Ryan and him. Brendon hasn’t had contact with any of Ryan’s teammates but he guesses they shouldn’t be happy either. Probably, of all the people involved in this situation, Brendon is the one who’s living it in the most different way.

He takes his phone and unlocks it, looking at the picture Cassie sent. He understands Ryan’s feelings towards that picture, and he feels a little guilty for not feeling the same. He knows they can take a hundred pictures more, that doesn’t matter. Because as much conflict that picture is creating, Brendon can’t stop looking at it like it’s something special. And this is the first time he sees it like this, in high quality. Sports media are not fans of showing two men kissing, so Brendon had only seen it blurry and little. However, now seeing it like this… Brendon sighs and closes the file, putting away his phone again. He needs to ask Jacky if he knows a way to get that picture for him.

Ryan doesn’t take long to come downstairs, wearing shorts and a green t-shirt, his hair pushed back and held in a little ponytail. His face lightens up when he sees the dogs all around Brendon, and he approaches them talking to them, using that tone he only uses with animals, petting them.

“You have everything?” Brendon asks, offering Ryan two of the lashes.

“Umm, yeah, I think so,” Ryan smiles innocently, taking the lashes and looking towards the kitchen. “I left my phone there, right? I’m not gonna take it, I just want to know where it is.”

Brendon nods, starting to walk but stopping a moment, turning around and looking at Ryan, getting closer and starting to grope him, looking for something, letting out a little laugh.

“Keys,” he says, shaking his head when he looks at Ryan. “I should make you wear them around your neck, like a child.”

“Oh, that,” Ryan makes a face, laughing then. “First the collar and now the keys, you’re kind of obsessed with necks this morning… Any kink you wanna tell me?”

“If I had to tell you all of them…” Brendon laughs, winking at Ryan. He goes to the main door and waits for Ryan to grab the keys because truth be told, he has no idea where they are. He thinks about leaving his phone here too and takes it from his pocket right at the same time a notification buzzes in.

“Okay, that’s all,” Ryan comes with the keys in his hand, and Zeppelin and Hilda trotting beside him. He puts the keys in his pocket and looks at Brendon and his phone. “More press pictures?”

“No, uh…” Brendon frowns, rereading the message and making a face. “It looks like the job interview has been cancelled. It’s not… it’s. The company has decided they don’t need a physiotherapist anymore.”

Ryan frowns, losing his light and almost happy face.

“Are you joking? Why? Did they say why?” He asks. Brendon laughs a little, shrugging. They said way, of course. They say they don’t have any job offer for him right now. The only problem is that Brendon knows that’s not true, he knows they’re offering jobs to physiotherapist right now. When they say they don’t have any job offer for him they’re not talking about his profession.

“It looks like they’re full. The job offer was probably a mistake,” Brendon explains, blocking the phone and leaving it on the entryway table. “Well. Better luck next time.”

“That doesn’t make any sense. I bet they got someone else this morning,” Ryan says still frowning, shaking his head. “I bet they gave it to someone with connections. Their loss, anyway,” he adds, getting closer to Brendon and holding his face with his hands, smiling and lowering his voice like he’s telling a secret. “You’ll find something soon, you’ll see.”

“Sure,” Brendon smiles, moving his hand to play it down. “Let’s go? The dogs are already impatient.”

“Let’s go,” Ryan nods, kissing him and breaking the kiss with a wet sound before he opens the door ad talk to the dogs.

Brendon tries not to think ugly thoughts about that last mail he got. It’s true he doesn't know that much about work-related issues, maybe this is normal and he’s thinking too much into it. That’s why he chooses to enjoy the walk, running with them, playing and joking, not paying attention to the people that keep looking at them as they make their way to the park.

Ryan decides to call Daniel, his manager, the moment they get back home. He blows raspberries and laughs a little when he tells Brendon. He doesn’t even wait to take a shower, as soon as the dogs are free of their leashes, Ryan gets his phone and dials the number, wiping the sweat out of his forehead with his own t-shirt before he starts speaking.

For a moment Brendon is not sure if he should listen to the conversation like he’s intruding or something like it’s none of his business. But the thing is, it is his business, so he stays there near Ryan, petting the dogs and feeding them. At first, Ryan just says ‘yes’ or ‘no’, and makes some faces, but after a few minutes, the conversation takes shape.

“Did they say why are they so interested?” Ryan asks, staying in silence and scoffing then. “No, asshole, I know that. I mean if you know what they really want.

He stays in silence again and Daniel’s voice sounds muffled through the phone while Ryan nods, frowning and looking at his own feet. Brendon thinks about getting closer, sit beside him, show him support. But he doesn’t want to cause the opposite reaction, and he knows Ryan is sensible about this subject. Brendon has talked too much this morning already. However, he moves to get a glass of water, brushing Ryan’s wrist with his fingers when he walks past him. Ryan raises his look and smiles in response.

“Okay. Yeah, I guess… Well, it’s not like I can say no,” he says, nodding again like he agrees with whatever Daniel is saying. “I’m on vacation, so whenever they want. Just tell me the date and that’s it. Okay. Yes. See you.

He leaves the phone over the table when he hangs up, sighing and rubbing the palm of his hands on his shorts repeatedly. Brendon looks at him from where he is, leaving the glass of water over the kitchen isle and leaning on a stool. He bites his lips, impatient. He wants to know what’s going on but he doesn’t know if Ryan wants to talk about it. He moves, taking the glass to the sink and moving closer to Ryan.

“How did it go?” He asks, his body swinging because he doesn’t seem able to be still right now. Ryan sighs and shrugs, looking at Brendon while he chews at his lips.

“I don’t know, actually,” he says, letting out a nervous laugh, looking at Brendon like he’s looking for the answer on his face. “The Club wants to have a meeting. They didn’t say why, but it’s obvious. What it’s not so obvious is what they’re gonna say exactly, so…”

“I understand…” Brendon nods, biting his lip harder, cracking his fingers. He doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t know if he needs to say something. But he can’t just stay in silence. “It shouldn’t be that bad, right? I mean, it’s the NHL. There’s all that ‘You Can Play’ thing and stuff… Even if it’s just a façade, if it is, maybe it’s not… But if it’s just a façade, it shouldn’t be that bad… Right?”

“Yeah, no. It’s… I don’t think it can be too bad. Also, I still have a contract for another year with the Hounds and they can’t break that unless I receive an offer from another Club,” Ryan adds, sounding like he’s trying to convince himself more than Brendon. “I don’t know. I don’t know what they could want. Maybe it’s just a scold or, I don’t know, I have no idea.”

“Do you want me to…?” He stops himself before he finishes the question. It probably won’t be the best idea, going with him. Brendon doesn’t think they would allow it anyway. “Do you know the day you have to meet them?”

“Daniel just said they want it to be as soon as possible. I told him to talk to them because I’m free, so…” Ryan shrugs, his hands moving from his shorts to his arms to the counter to his shorts again, compulsively. “I have to admit I’m freaking out a bit,” he confesses, letting out a breathy laugh.

Brendon doesn’t even think about it before he moves toward Ryan, getting close to him. He stops himself a little when he’s already there, though, and just holds Ryan’s hands, squeezing them.

“Hey,” he calls Ryan, smiling as sincere as he can. “It’s going to be fine. And if it’s not, we can always leave, start a new life in Europe. Nobody cares about hockey there,” he jokes a little, but he lowers his eyes when he thinks maybe it wasn’t the best joke right now. “I… If I can do anything to make you feel better, Ry, just tell me.”

Ryan smiles and looks at him soft, nodding and giving Brendon’s hands a squeeze.

“You already do, Bren,” he says, pulling at Brendon and kissing his cheek before he lets go Brendon’s hands and hugs him, burying his face on Brendon’s neck. Brendon sighs with a smile, sinking in the hug and putting his arms around Ryan’s waist, holding him tight.

 

Brendon gets up early the morning after, really early. It’s not only that he’s not sleeping that much lately, thinking about all that’s going on, he also wants to make it easy for Ryan, wake him up with a kiss, bringing breakfast to bed, say goodbye with a hug. He’d like to be there with Ryan, be there to know what’s going on, be there so Ryan doesn't have to face it alone because this is a matter of them both. He repeats again and again that it’s going to be okay before Ryan takes the door and Brendon sighs when Ryan closes it. He prays to God it will.

Brendon feeds the dogs after that and plays with them a little bit in the back yard. He quits after a while when he realizes he’s not in the mood and the dogs can feel it too. He leaves the backyard door open so they can come and go as they please and goes to their personal gym, because, even if he’s not in the mood to play, the excess of adrenalin gathers under his skin and all his bad thoughts are not going to go just like that.

He works out hard, using the treadmill, the bike, then doing push ups and crunches, tightening his jaw and trying to exhaust himself. He ends up gathering a few rubber mats, putting them on the wall and breathing deep before he gives a hard punch. In days like this one he really misses Rubén’s gym. He stops when the drops of sweats start sliding down his skin and his clothes stick to his body, going for a quick shower. He lets himself fall on the couch when he’s done, with his hair still wet and wearing an old t-shirt. He massages his own muscles while he thinks about when will he do something like this again to another person, not just himself or Ryan.

He doesn’t want to be dramatic. Maybe he’s thinking too much about it. He thinks about talking to some of his ex-classmates to see how they’re doing; if they’re having the same difficulties to find a job, but he stops himself when he remembers that maybe he’s not welcomed anymore, now that his face is everywhere in every media. The only reference Brendon has is Cassie, but of course, Cassie had so much better grades than him and she had a lot of job offers. Cassie found her job really quickly, and of course, Brendon doesn’t have those great grades but he has amazing credentials… Or so he thinks because he did a great job with the Hounds, but he didn’t get any recommendation letter. But everybody knows he worked for the Hounds, for God’s sake! That must be worth something.

He goes to the kitchen for some snacks because so much exercise gives him the munchies, and he gets a bag of chips before he goes back to the sofa and turns on the TV. He swallows the bitter feeling, or at least he tries to. He manages to convince himself that the world is changing and no one would deny him a job just because of who he is. Then he thinks about Ryan and how he is in a meeting with the Club instead of being here with him or being on vacation in the Bahamas. He closes his eyes, and he almost joins his hands to pray, wishing that, if any of them must stay unemployed, is him and not Ryan. Physiotherapists, there’re a lot of them, and Brendon is not even a proper one. He could find something else, but Ryan… Being one NHL player is not something anyone can do. Brendon doesn’t know what he would do if Ryan loses that because of him.

When the dogs start to get excited, Brendon frowns and turns down the volume of the TV, looking around and trying to hear as much as he can. He doesn’t expect any visit, and anyone who could come home would be to visit Ryan, who’s not here in this moment. He stands up when the dogs get more nervous and run towards the door. The keys on the door unsettle Brendon barely seconds before the door opens and Ryan comes through it.

“Hey, you’re here already? You came earl-” Brendon can’t finish his sentence before Ryan closes the distance between them and hugs him. He holds him tight, and Brendon hugs him back before he knows what is it about, moving his arms to get them around Ryan’s neck.

He laughs when Ryan laughs too, and just then, he lets out the air gathered inside his lungs, and he feels like he’s deflating, burying himself in Ryan’s arms. He smiles against Ryan’s neck before he leans back and looks at him, seeing so many emotions that he almost can’t read them all.

“Was it good?” he asks although it seems obvious the answer will be affirmative. Ryan makes a face, almost surprised but also relieved, nodding.

“Yeah. Yes, it… It was good,” he answers and laughs like he can’t believe it. “They scold me a little for not agreeing to the meeting until now, but what happened was that they wanted to get in contact with me to let me know I have all their support, and some association’s too and…” Ryan laughs more, shrugging and breathing like he just got rid of tons of weight. Brendon opens his eyes huge and his smile must take almost half of his face right now.

“Ry, that’s…” Brendon hugs him tighter while he lets out a relieved laugh. He just lets him go when the dogs start trying to climb them, wanting to share the good news.

He holds Ryan’s hand and takes him to the couch, the dogs get up there too, snuggling with them while Ryan explains to Brendon what happened in the meeting. He laughs while he tells Brendon how nervous Daniel was while they waited, probably because Ryan was not in the best mood.

It seems the Club didn’t tell Daniel what the meeting was about because they thought Ryan knew he didn’t do anything wrong. After all, like Brendon said, the NHL was the first professional league to talk about problems like homophobia and the organization You Can Play was an official partner since 2012. In fact, Ryan had no idea of this, the Hounds owner had publicly supported the cause years ago, and about that time, Bob participated in the Captain’s Challenge too. He signed the form in support of the organization that reads: ‘as a team captain, I pledge to respect the talents and work of all my teammates. I will encourage them to speak up for each other when confronted with slurs of any sort in the locker room or on the playing field. I'll start discussions that promote the acceptance of all of my teammates in order to build trust and a winning ethic.’

Of course, it would have been better if Ryan had communicated his decision to them before making it public, so they could think about the best way to do it. But, still, they understood that Ryan did it as it came to him, it was something natural. That was exactly what they want, to make this situation seem the most natural thing possible.

“The only 'bad' thing, somehow, is that I’m the first,” Ryan says, taking the snacks from Brendon’s hands and tangling their legs together, moving so they both face each other on the couch, “so they said the press will be all over us. Sports media, tabloids, LGTB media and so.”

“And what are you gonna do about that?” Brendon asks because he knows how shy Ryan is when it comes to talking in public or to strangers. Ryan, however, just shrugs and laughs a little.

“I don’t know. I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it,” he says, and Brendon laughs too, shaking his head before he bites his lips and leans in, crushing the bag of snacks between them.

“We can make one of those tapes. I can be the new Kardashian,” he jokes, winking at Ryan before he laughs. “I bet the press would love it.”

“And your ass is so much better,” Ryan adds, making Brendon laugh out loud, pulling at him to kiss him.

He can feel Ryan smiling against his lips, opening his mouth then to take the bottom one between his, breaking the kiss just to kiss him again. Brendon sighs and smiles, feeling how the tension he had gathered inside his stomach all of these days vanish. He moves closer, the bag of snacks falling on the floor when he gets closer to Ryan, and the dogs growl a little when they have to move from where they were comfortably lying, running away. Brendon straddles Ryan like a kid, hugging him and kissing him again.

It shouldn't seem like much, it hasn't been that long since the last time they've been like this, together, so close, even closer. But these last days, since everything became a media chaos, and not knowing what would happen started getting more and more present, the contact between them decreased. Maybe anyone could see it from the outside, maybe for any other couple their contact was enough, but to them it wasn't. Not for a couple who never knew how to keep their hands to themselves.

Brendon is thankful for being able to share this kind of touches, caresses, the heat, breathing deep and letting Ryan fill him. Ryan seems to feel the same, somehow, because he leans back on the couch, moving his arms up to let them rest on Brendon's shoulders, letting himself go in the kiss.

"I missed you…" Brendon whispers, moving his hands to tangle his fingers in Ryan's hair, kissing him on his chin, then back to his lips, then his cheeks, hiding his nose behind Ryan's ear. "We can't let this happen again, huh? We're idiots, we should have known everything would be fine. We'll be fine.

Ryan lets out a breathy laugh while he moves his head to make room for Brendon's lips on his neck, making an agreeing sound with his throat and lowering his hands to hold Brendon's waist.

“Of course,” he says, moving and looking for Brendon’s mouth, stretching softly under him. “We'll be fine.”

Brendon nods, biting Ryan's cheek softly, because just thinking about someone trying to take Ryan away from him, makes him want to mark Ryan as his. He laughs after that. He knows that's absurd, and he leaves a trail of kisses down Ryan's face, then backs up again. He stops to look at Ryan between kiss and kiss, observing his face, his gestures, every inch of skin before putting his lips on it. He caresses Ryan's hair with his fingers, and sometimes he scratches a little with his nails too, just when his heart starts beating faster and he feels the need to remember that, yes, this is his, no one else's but his.

He touches Ryan's eyebrows with his thumbs, kissing the middle of his forehead, going down to his nose, leaving a little bit on the tip. He bursts out laughing when he realizes he's getting too intense. Brendon just knows how to lower the intensity of any situation laughing at it. It works, anyway, to make it stop, stop feeling so overwhelmed, drowned in emotions. Ryan seems lost in his touches and kisses, but he opens just one eye when he hears Brendon laughing, looking at him with a smile.

“What’s so funny?” he asks, just opening an eye, as if the magic of the moment would go if he looks at Brendon straight.

“How much I want to bite you,” Brendon answers, lowering his lips and biting Ryan’s chin. “Do you think I could bite your eye? I don’t know… It’d be weird, biting a hole.” Ryan laughs out loud, tilting his head back and shutting his eyes close.

“I bet you could bite one of my holes…” he answers, covering his eyes with his hands. Brendon laughs too, but he looks at Ryan shocked, his eyes open wide as well as his mouth. And maybe he’s blushing a little bit too because he didn’t expect Ryan to make that kind of joke.

“You’re such a pervert,” he says, shaking his head and feeling humiliated. “Now I’m gonna bite your eye for real, just because,” he warns, jumping on top of Ryan and holding his head while he sticks out his tongue, trying to push it against one of Ryan's eyes.

Ryan seems unable to stop laughing, and he shuts his eyes hard, trying to get away from Brendon but failing, calling his name and crying for help, saying he needs his two eyes to do his job. Brendon doesn't care. Nothing Ryan says can make him stop pushing his tongue against one of his eyes, starting to laugh out loud when he tries to bite it too but, of course, he can't. He starts licking Ryan's face, covering him in spit on purpose before he starts biting Ryan's cheeks, his ears, his neck, anything he finds on his way.

"Ughh, you're nasty," Ryan complains, obviously joking because Brendon knows Ryan never complains about his tongue, and Brendon does lick him a lot. He also moves his head to make room for Brendon to keep doing it, pressing his lips together when he can't help laughing.

"Of course I'm nasty. That's why you fell in love with me," Brendon answers with a smug smile, lowering his head to lick Ryan's neck up to his chin, then biting his Adam's apple.

"Who told you I was in love with you?" Ryan asks, trying to sound offended like it was a secret, his laugh dying inside his throat when Brendon bites him.

"You did," Brendon answers, kissing him in the same place he bit him before. "In your bed." He moves up to kiss his chin. "Not that long ago, actually." He laughs, grazing Ryan's lips before biting the bottom one and pulling. "And something tells me you're going to do it again."

Ryan laughs and it seems like he's going to say something, probably about how sure of himself Brendon looks. He doesn't let Ryan talk. Before he can, Brendon leans in again and kisses him with a smile still on his lips, then relaxing and enjoying the kiss. He does it soft, covering Ryan's bottom lips with his own, holding him by the cheeks. Ryan kisses back and he feels light in Brendon's embrace, his muscles relaxing like floating when he lets out a little moan. Ryan's fist stops wrinkling Brendon shirt and his shoulders fall at the same time that he opens his lips to let out the breath he was holding.

"I love you," Brendon says just when he leans back enough for his words to come out. He moves a little bit more to look at Ryan, smiling softly when Ryan does the same. "I love you. No one and nothing could change that. Whatever happens."

"Whatever happens," Ryan nods and Brendon smiles again.

 


	2. Advance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to [alltimeirene](http://archiveofourown.org/users/alltimeirene/pseuds/alltimeirene) for being our beta and put up with our shitty and stupid mistakes. Hope you enjoy, thanks for reading. -Xipy

2.

 

A few days after his meeting with the club, Ryan still can’t believe he has their total support. It is true that the NHL had signed an agreement against homophobia a few years before, but he couldn’t help but think it was only as a façade. It’s a relief, knowing the directing team, the coach; everyone is here for him if Ryan needs them like they always are. Ryan was sure the Hounds was the club he wanted to be in for the rest of his career, but now he’s even more convinced about it.

He still has a thing about the press, though, something that’s not going to be easy for either of them. Ryan hates that part of being who he is, the fame, the interviews, publicity and all that. He doesn’t know how many times he refused to be the image of any product, from perfumes to underwear. He was never interested in those things. For Ryan, it’s and always will be just hockey. Putting up with the press is collateral damage for doing what he had always wanted.

He still hasn’t talked to some of his teammates about all this. After the Stanley Cup celebration, they didn’t see each other that much, everyone going back home to their families, wanting to rest and enjoy the holidays. Spencer seems to have accepted this is serious, that they are willing to do whatever it has to be done and now the club got their backs, Spencer doesn’t seem so determined about talking Ryan into leaving Brendon, even though they clearly don’t have his blessing. Ryan knows he doesn’t like Brendon, and he can’t say he’s not disappointed about that, but right now he doesn’t want to think about that.

He’s more worried about Brendon, to be honest. Ryan knows how the press can be. He knows what this could lead to; they’ll want to know who he is, where he comes from, why he is with him. And, in the end, he was the one that signed that contract with the Hounds knowing that was part of his profession, but Brendon has nothing to do with this world, and Ryan doesn’t know how much this can affect him. The club supporting them is great news, but they shouldn’t expect the same with the press. Not from all of them, at least.

For now, he can be relieved. Knowing he doesn’t have to choose between hockey and Brendon makes him feel light like he just lost weight he didn’t know he was carrying. The rest they will be playing it by ear, he guesses.

“The club will want to do something about the press, I think,” Ryan comments as he comes back after a telephone conversation with Spencer, going back to their previous subject. “So I guess we’ll know about them soon.”

Brendon nods, playing with Rat on the couch, laughing a little.

“How are things going with Spencer?”

“Good,” Ryan answers. “He’s been asking about the club and if they have said something more,” he explains, shrugging. “He’s going on a vacation for a few days, so he’s going to be offline.”

“Oh, right, you are on vacation,” Brendon nods, and Ryan lets himself fall on the couch beside him, trying to get Rat off Brendon just to upset her, failing. “In other circumstances, probably you would do the same, right? Where do you usually go?”

“ _I am_ gonna do the same. We’ll go as soon as this is more or less established,” Ryan smiles, making a thoughtful face. “I don’t know; it depends. I haven’t been in a lot of places. Before the Hounds I didn’t have much money and the first year here I bought this house. And the car. Last year I went to Cape Town.”

Brendon looks at him in a way Ryan can’t quite understand, as if what he’s saying was somehow hard to imagine. He just smiles as he thinks what his next destination could be. Ryan doesn’t have a lot of free days during the rest of the year. He barely has hours in a day, so the summer it’s perfect for him to travel. They only had three free days at Christmas and, if Ryan didn’t take advantage of the almost full month he has in summer, he couldn’t go anywhere. Ryan likes to travel, he likes to know other places and see what they offer.

“Woah, that… I don’t know exactly where that is, but it sounds interesting,” Brendon comments with a smile, frowning a little when he talks again. “Did you…? Did you say we’re going to go on a vacation? We?”

Ryan laughs but frowns confused about his question. Like he would go without him. What for?

“Of course. Why would I go around the house asking you about places otherwise?” he smiles, and his face gets brighter because of the conversation. “It’s in South Africa, by the way. Cape Town. Where would you like to go?”

Brendon blinks for a moment, his face confused. Ryan doesn’t know if that’s because of the question or the place he said, but he is quite interested in knowing the answer. Ryan wants that holidays to be special, their first ones, away from everyone and everything. It’ll be a relief after all the season.

“Eh… I don’t know, I’ve never thought about it. I’ve always thought my touristic destinations would be the ones I could go by car and the times I’d be able to refill the tank,” Brendon says, laughing a little.  “I guess it wouldn’t be bad going somewhere with good cliffs. Also, if I die jumping off one your problems with the press would be gone when you’re back,” he adds, joking a little. Ryan looks at him disapprovingly, but he’s still smiling.

“You have the amusement in the ass…” he says, raising a hand to prevent Brendon from talking before he does. “And don’t joke about that, I see you trying,” he adds, his eyes softening and biting his lip. “We could take a look at some places. Think about it, if you prefer tourism and big cities or something calm and peaceful or a bit of both. I don’t know; we can go anywhere.”

“Listen…” Brendon bites his lips as he breathes in, taking a few seconds before he talks again. “You know that’s not necessary, right? I mean, you don’t have to take me anywhere. If you want to go alone and relax, it’s okay to me. You don’t have to worry.”

“I’d like to go with you,” Ryan answers simply. It’s the only explanation he gives him because it’s the only one he has, and he’s not surprised at all about Brendon saying that. He doesn’t understand why, but he knows he’s willing to do whatever he has to do to make Brendon stop feeling like that. “If you don’t want to or you don’t feel like it, it’s okay. But, if you want, I thought about going together. Besides, I think it could be great leaving for a few weeks, get away from all this, right? I don’t want to go alone. I mean, I’m not telling you because I feel obligated. I _want_ to. If you do too, of course.”

“Okay,” Brendon nods, clearing his throat. “Yeah, I… I’d like to go with you.”

Ryan’s smile stretches so hard on his face he almost looks like a different person, and he nods as he bites his bottom lip, feeling butterflies in his stomach when he hears it. It’s stupid, he knows, but sometimes Brendon does that, gives him that feeling of being invincible and having everything.

“Good. What do you prefer, then?” Ryan asks, excited about planning this. “We could go to Europe, visit several countries. Or, I don’t know, something nearer, I’ve never been in Hawaii, for example. Asia maybe is not my thing, but I wouldn’t mind either.”

“I think a quiet place would be the best. I usually like the racket, but I believe we’re going to have enough of that,” Brendon comments, laughing a little. “Did you know my mom is from Hawaii? Well, not my mom, but my grandparents. They grew up there before they came here. I’ve never been over there.”

“Really?” Ryan makes a surprised face, but he smiles. Brendon doesn’t talk a lot about his family; Ryan can understand why, but he likes to know more about him. “Would you like to go?” he asks, curious. Brendon shrugs.

“Maybe? I don’t know, perhaps… I mean, it’s like the tourist destination _par excellence_ , but I don’t know much about it,” he explains, biting his lip before asking. “Would you like to go?”

“I was thinking about what you said. The thing about the quiet place,” Ryan begins, shrugging. “And I’m sure there are islands far away from the tourism there, beach hotels and all that. And cliffs,” he adds, smiling at Brendon. “But…” his face changes when something crosses his mind. “You know where we could get that too?”

“No idea,” Brendon answers with a nervous laugh. Ryan’s smile and eyes grow wider because he knows Brendon doesn’t expect his reply and, also, it could be the perfect place.

“In the Maldives,” he tells him.

“In…” Brendon frowns. “Wait, isn’t that, like, lost in the middle of the ocean? How many flight hours…? Ryan… How much does that cost?” he asks, and Ryan laughs as he makes a gesture to play it down.

“Bren, money is not a problem. I don’t know how much it is, but… Don't worry about that, really” he comments, and his frown burrows when he notices something more. “Why did you ask about the flight? Are you afraid of flying? Because that could be a problem… It’ll be more than eighteen or twenty hours flying, I think. With scales, of course.”

“I’m not afraid of flying,” Brendon answers quickly, making a gesture with his hand. “I mean, I’ve never been on a plane, but I don’t think it’d be a big deal,” he adds, laughing a little. “Being still in a seat for hours, that could be a problem. But I guess you can, like, get up and do things, right? Or do you have to be sitting and with the seatbelt and… still?” he asks in the end.

“Oh. No, no, of course not. You can stand and, besides, they’re very comfortable planes, and big, that’s not going to be a problem,” Ryan says, staying silent for a few seconds before he talks again, thinking he’s maybe overdoing it for the first holidays. “But, if you prefer a shorter flight, I understand. Flying for the first time for more than twenty hours can be harsh.”

“If you promise me I’m going to be fine, then we can go wherever you want. I trust you,” Brendon answers, making a gesture with his face before smiling. Ryan smiles back, looking at him silently for a while.

“You’re gonna be fine. And, if you don’t, I’ll make the pilot land in the first place he can,” he adds, talking seriously. He doesn’t think he could, but he’d try.

“The Maldives, then,” Brendon answers. “You’re gonna make it hard for me to top that when I take you on vacation.”

Ryan laughs, shaking his head and looking at him.

“You don’t have to top anything. I’m happy with you taking me to Red Rocks in Santa Barbara,” he smiles crookedly. Brendon opens his eyes big before he laughs, shaking his head and bringing a hand to his face.

“I can’t believe you remember that,” he says between laughs, covering one of his cheeks a little, but not preventing Ryan to see the blush there. “Done, then.”

“You really think I have that bad memory?” he jokes, looking at his cheeks before biting his bottom lip, delighted about Brendon’s reaction. “So, yeah? Maldives? I hope you like luxury things…” he jokes again.

“Noooo, don’t tell me that,” Brendon laughs, shaking his head more and this time covering his whole face before looking at Ryan through his fingers. “Wait. What’s luxury for you? Because maybe I don’t even know what you’re talking about. Are they those things you can only see in movies?”

“Exactly those,” Ryan smiles wide, getting closer to him and pulling his hands off Brendon’s face as he laughs. “Hotel rooms with direct access to the sea, huge beds, breakfast for a hundred people,” he lists, leaning in until his nose is touching Brendon’s cheek. “Jacuzzi. Those things,” Rat tries to make Brendon pay attention to her a couple of times, running away when she realizes she’s not going to get more than a quick caress.

“My God, Ryan… Are you sure you…?” Brendon stops without finishing the question when he moves his face a little to look right at Ryan’s and their noses touch. He stays silent for a few seconds, making Ryan talk when he sees Brendon’s not going to.

“Whatever you were gonna ask, I’m sure,” he answers, smiling small and brushing their noses together. “You?”

“I’m trying,” Brendon says, laughing a little. “I’m trying,” he repeats, nodding, looking down for a second to look at Ryan’s lips before going back to his eyes, wetting his mouth with his tongue before talking. “It’s… It’s still hard, sometimes. Getting used to this. And you are… you’re too nice to me, and I don’t know what to do with that,” he confesses, laughing a little.

“You say it as if you didn’t deserve it,” Ryan murmurs, touching his lips softly, not even kissing him. “Can I suggest what to do with it? Accept it and enjoy it because actually, it’s what everyone should do. Being kind to you. It’s not something I do because it is a favor. You make me want to be like this with you. Because you deserve it.”

Brendon laughs breathlessly, looking down at the same time he blushes. Ryan can’t look away, totally mesmerized with every one of his reactions.

“Is not that…” Brendon says, and he clears his throat, not looking back at Ryan’s eyes. “It’s not that I think I don’t deserve it or…” he makes a gesture with his face, shrugging. “It’s just that, I don’t know, I think there are a thousand things or people or whatever who deserve it more than me. In the end, well… I’m just… me.”

“Oh, if you want I can take the neighbor. She’s eighty-three, the lady; I think she has never seen anything like the Maldives, and I’m sure she’d like it,” Ryan jokes, laughing and raising his hand to Brendon’s chin, making him look back at him. “You ‘just being you’ is more for me than words can say.”

“And that’s why I mean that you're too good to me,” Brendon answers, laughing a little before looking at Ryan’s eyes again. “And what is an eighty-three years old lady doing living in that huge house? Is she some Hollywood actress and you didn’t tell me? How do you know that much about your neighbors? Those are a lot of questions without answers, Ryan,” he jokes, clearly wanting to change the subject. Ryan notices, but he decides to concede that to him for a while.

“Nah, I suspect she’s a black widow. And I just know about her because one time I ran into her as I came back with the dogs and she interrogated me at the same time she talked about her life,” he frowns for a moment, thoughtful. “Maybe she’s an ex-KGB agent, now that I think about it…” he adds, letting out an intrigued sound and looking at Brendon tight after, seeing him with a brow lifted. “And I’m just what I think you deserve.”

“Right. Yeah, now don’t say that. You just said that lady could be a KGB agent, you lost all credibility,” Brendon laughs, leaning back a little to look at him up and down before going back where he was. “Now I don’t know if I can accept that trip or not. It’s not cool to take advantage of the mentally disabled,” he adds, laughing hard when he finishes, leaning in and kissing Ryan as he’s still laughing.

Ryan kisses back but draws away quickly, looking at him, incredulous and talking against his mouth.

“You just called me retarded,” he says. Brendon laughs more, getting closer to him and biting his lip.

“Well, I think a professional should say that. Not me…” Brendon keeps joking, laughing again when he gets his arms around Ryan. He makes a not very masculine sound as if he would have spent too much time with his octogenarian neighbor, but he lets Brendon hug him.

 “So, I ask you to come with me to a luxury hotel in the Maldives, and you call me a retard,” he says, ruining his tone when he laughs. “I think there’s something wrong here.”

“See? That confirms what I said. Too good…” Brendon smiles, kissing him again softly. Ryan kisses back still smiling, shaking his head a little and sighing into his mouth, drawing back just for a moment so he can talk.

“ _You_ are too good… to be true,” he answers, laughing before kissing him again, touching him with his tongue and asking for permission without words to get through his lips. Brendon opens his mouth right away, and Ryan lets himself be filled with the feeling of his tongue and lips, his whole skin vibrating with the kiss as if it was the first. Sometimes he wonders if that’s going to change some day or it’s going to be like that forever.

He kisses him long and soft, with no rush, taking his time to explore every inch he already knows as if it was his own, breathing calm and slow and just drawing away to breathe in and start all over again. Brendon smiles in the kiss, the kisses, every time Ryan touches him so softly. They kiss like that until Brendon takes the lead, tightening his grip around Ryan and pushing into his mouth with his tongue, opening his lips so he can catch Ryan’s between them and making him sigh because of it. It feels like Brendon’s trying to swallow him whole.

“So,” Ryan starts to talk when they separate just a moment to breathe, his voice almost a whisper and his eyes still closed. “Want to help me find a hotel or do you want me to surprise you?” he asks, kissing him again before he answers.

“Surprise me,” Brendon answers, smiling and pulling on Ryan’s bottom lip with his teeth. “You’re good at surprises. The last one made it impossible for me to forget the day you won the Stanley Cup,” he says, laughing a little and touching Ryan’s nose with his own. “I like it when you do something I don’t expect. Something good, of course. I think I never told you that. I like that about you. You seem predictable until suddenly you’re not at all.”

Ryan laughs short and feels his cheeks blush, his skin getting hotter and making him feel nervous.

“No, you never told me,” he murmurs, clearing his throat. “Usually I surprise myself at the same time,” he jokes, laughing again a little so he can let the nervousness out somehow. Brendon smiles, moving his head a little and touching his cheek with his nose, talking against his skin.

“Does that mean you do crazy things for me?” he asks with half a smile. Ryan swallows and feels his whole body react to having him so close, looking for him with every cell. “I like that too. And, now we’re, or I am, confessing things I like…” he moves his lips, kissing at the same time he talks, reaching Ryan’s ear. “I don’t know if you know, and I don’t know if it is okay, but… you kissing me there, in front of everyone, all becoming a mess because your first impulse was searching my lips and you decided not to refrain… I think no one had ever made me feel like you did at that moment.”

“Really?” Ryan asks, and his cheeks get red again. He would have never thought Brendon would have that memory as something so special, something which made him feel like that. Brendon laughs and nods as he moves again, sliding his lips down to bite Ryan’s chin softly.

“Really,” he answers with a soft smile, looking at his mouth before closing his eyes and touch it with his lips, sighing. “It seems so extraordinary to me that…” he shakes his head, moving one of his hands to caress Ryan’s face before holding it and deepening the kiss. “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

Ryan can feel the blush covering his ears, and he just kisses Brendon again because he has no words to answer that. He decides to do it with his lips and his tongue, touching him and biting him softly, licking him, tasting him like there’s no other place where he’d want to be right now. Brendon answers to every touch, every caress, getting closer until he’s almost on top of him, his breath speeding up.

Ryan holds him tight and responds with the same force, squeezing with his fingers where he’s gripping him and letting out soft sounds from time to time that go straight to Brendon’s mouth. Brendon’s hips move against him, and Ryan feels him sigh as he starts biting him harder, breathing faster.

“Ryan,” he says, holding his face softly before pushing it back and sliding down his lips to Ryan’s chin and lower, until he gets to his Adam’s apple to kiss it.

Ryan relaxes and sighs and lets Brendon do whatever he wants, closing his eyes and making a sound with his throat that he’s not sure if it’s an answer or a reaction to Brendon’s touches, the sensations filling him. He moves his hands and slides them under Brendon’s shirt, stretching them to touch him with his palms, and the fabric wrinkles as he slides them up his back. He’s starting to pull the shirt off the way when the sound and vibration of the phone pull them out of the bubble.

Brendon closes his eyes and huffs, leaning his forehead against Ryan’s for a second before drawing back and looking at him. Ryan whines and blinks, feeling himself coming back from the sensation’s trance. He looks back at Brendon and kisses him softly, murmuring a ‘just a moment’ before leaning in and reaching out with his hand to get the phone, keeping Brendon where he is with his other hand.

“It’s Dan,” he says when he looks at the screen, sighing. “Son of a bitch… I gotta pick up,” he whines, looking at Brendon with apologizing eyes and picking up as he takes his hands out. “It better be important, Dan.”

“You busy?” his manager asks, clearly enjoying it more that he should, the motherfucker. “The club called me for something I need to talk to you.”

“Is it bad?” Ryan asks, looking at Brendon when Ryan feels his fingers under the shirt, tracing lines up and down, touching him with the tip of them and circling his belly button. He slides his hand down until he reaches his jeans and up again, making him feel goose bumps and shake a little, smiling because he knows what he’s doing, but he’s not going to stop him.

“No, no. Just something we should do as soon as possible. You have a new PR,” Dan says. And given the tone he uses, Ryan would say he’s waiting for him to tell him to meet.

“It has to be now?” he asks, whining. Brendon gets to the other side of his face, then, his nose brushing against the skin behind his ear and opening his lips to bite him softly there at the same time he unbuttons his jeans. Ryan tenses and bites his lip, losing the conversation for a moment when he feels Brendon’s fingers sliding beneath the fabric of his underwear. He has to clear his throat to keep talking, moving almost unconsciously against Brendon. “Can’t it wait?”

“No, I’m sorry, man. I need to see you in a couple of hours,” he says. “Brendon has to come too. We’ll meet at the same place as ever.”

“How’s that?” Ryan’s not so sure about what it is if they both have to go. He hears Brendon laughs when slides his hand lower, making him close his eyes. Suddenly, the conversation is not that important anymore. “Okay, okay. Whatever. Right. I’ll tell him to see if he can and… yeah. That. A couple of hours,” Ryan talks more quickly at the end of the sentence, wanting to say it as fast as possible and hang up, stopping Dan from talking again. “Yeah. Yes. See you there. Bye.”

He lets out a relieved sigh when he hangs up and drops the phone, relaxing and opening his eyes to look at Brendon, shaking his head as he lets out a breathy laugh.

“You’re the worst,” he says, biting his lip and feeling his skin burning. Brendon laughs at the same time he takes his hand back from where it is.

“I was just trying to make your conversation a little enjoyable,” he defends himself, shrugging. Ryan laughs and leans in to kiss him.

“How considerate,” he says, staying close when he breaks the kiss and sighing. “Dan wants to see us both in a couple of hours.”

“Both?” Brendon makes a gesture and laughs a little. “Both, who?”

“We both,” Ryan says, pointing between him and Brendon. “The club hired a new PR just for me, so the one who works for them don’t have more work,” he explains. “And he wants to talk with us. Just if you want them to get you into this, uh? If you don’t, I can deal with it.”

“They want to talk with me?” Brendon asks, surprised. He laughs again, making a gesture with his face and moving a little to get his arms over Ryan’s shoulders, leaning in. “Good. I have no problem. I don’t know what they could want from me, but…” he shrugs. “If I have to go, I’ll go.”

“Whatever you want,” Ryan shrugs, rolling his eyes a little. “It’ll probably be to see how are we going to manage with the press and all that.”

“I’m not going to leave you alone if I can go with you,” Brendon answers, pushing with his hips against Ryan’s. “Come on, I’m sure it’ll be fun,” he says, laughing. “And if it’s not, we can always have fun before. How much time do we have?”

“A couple of hours,” Ryan answers, laughing short and getting closer to him. “And fuck him if we’re late, for interrupting us,” he says, wiggling his eyebrows as his smile gets sharp. “We can always save time if we have fun in the shower.”

“I like what you’re thinking,” Brendon laughs, jumping off him and grabbing Ryan’s hand, pulling him up and off the couch.

 

*

 

In the end, they’re not late. Not much, at least. Brendon and Ryan just get there twenty minutes late, and Ryan blames a car crash when Dan calls and asks where they are, instead of saying they almost break the shower. Dan wants to meet them in a café where they usually meet when it comes to business.

When they get there, he looks for him with his eyes over the heads until he sees him, making a gesture to Brendon and pulling where he’s holding his hand, taking him as he walks. Dan is sitting with whom Ryan supposes is his new PR, a blonde woman with red lips and sunglasses, looking more like she’s out of a catwalk than a marketing career.

“A car crash…” Dan comments as they get to the table, standing up and raising his eyebrow as if he knew exactly what made them late. The woman stands too, his face unreadable.

“It’s Chicago, man,” Ryan answers, shrugging and sounding so honest Dan doesn’t look at him again. He’s getting better at lying.

“Right. Well, this is Elizabeth,” Dan introduces the woman pointing at her and she smiles small, putting her glasses up and reaching out with her hand. “Your newest PR.”

Ryan lets Brendon’s hand go to shake hers, nodding and saying his name, though he guesses she already knows who he is.

“This is Brendon,” he introduces, too. The woman, Elizabeth, smiles crooked and looks at him, nodding before she looks at Ryan again.

“You’re famous, honey. I know who you are,” she answers, looking at them again before sitting down. “You can call me Z, by the way. Elizabeth always seemed too formal for me.”

Ryan lifts a brow, surprised by the sudden Z’s familiarity, but he just shrugs and looks at Brendon for a second, smiling small and sitting down too. Brendon stays still for a moment, but he sits beside him.

“Do you want to have something?” Dan asks, raising his hand to call for a waitress. “We’re already served, but you can order before we start.”

“I’ll take a green tea,” says Ryan, talking to the waitress and looking and Brendon right after.

“Eh… A coke?” says Brendon, looking at the waitress like he’s expecting something before he nods and walks away.

“Well,” Ryan says, clearing his throat a little. He’s nervous because he’s not good interacting with people he’d just known. However, he decides to use his professional self, and even his tone is less relaxed. “So the club sends you to act as our consultant, right?”

“No, sweetie. What I have to do is to take care of your public image. To make sure this isn’t prejudicial to you,” she says, looking at both of them, with a tone that tells him she knows exactly what she has to do to get that. “From now on I’ll run everything related to your relationship when it comes to the public. No interviews, pictures, public love declarations and all that without me knowing and approving it. We’re going to try to deal with it the best we can.”

Ryan lifts an eyebrow and looks at her for a few seconds, thinking that she’s could compete with Spencer in ego. He’s cool with that; it’s fine she’s so determined about her job if she’s there to help them, but Ryan doesn’t feel very comfortable with someone he doesn’t even know directing his life.

“Um, I thought this was so we could keep our private life, well, private,” he says, not knowing what to expect. Z looks at him for a moment, raising her eyebrow and letting out a short laugh as if he just said something funny.

“Honey, I’m afraid your private life stopped being private when you decided to show a little of it at the Stanley Cup final,” she answers, looking at both of them for a second before going back to Ryan. “Now people want the rest of it and doing it that way, and without my advice, your private relationship has become in your public face when it comes to hockey. And, believe me, you’re gonna need me if you don’t want your private relationship to be your only public face.”

“I get it. Interviews, pictures, okay, that’s yours, but out of it, I don’t understand why we have to consider every step we take,” Ryan never liked that, having to consult everything he does just for the sake of the image. His relationship is not something to sell; it’s not something he should show how people want to see it.

“No, you don’t understand. It’s about marketing. All these years you’ve been growing as a sportsman not just because you’re a good player, but because you’ve been sold right. The press has praised you, has never washed your dirty linen in public, they didn’t try to destroy you. The fame, the glory, you don’t get that being just good. You get that when people like you. What I’m going to do is make sure the press still wants you to be loved, that they want your relationship to be loved, your gesture at the hockey final. If you don’t get that, the press is going to end you. And you can’t make them like something they can’t see.”

Ryan frowns, he doesn’t like the sound of that. He gets it, now that Z has explained it, he understands what she means, but his life has always been hockey, it’s the only thing he has always wanted to do. He didn’t look for recognition; he just played the best he could. He hates thinking about it not being enough, that he has to put his private life on display for everyone to see so that he can keep doing what he’s been doing better than right until now without exposing himself.

“I’m not a fan of the press. You should know I’m the player that barely has been interviewed, the one who’s been in fewer programs. I don’t care about what they think of me or the relationship, I just want to play hockey and live without this being a media chaos,” Ryan says, and it’s just thinking out loud because he knows it’s not going to be possible. “Can’t you stop people from doing this more serious than it is and just keep things as they were before?”

Z lifts an eyebrow, looking right at him, laughing a little. It’s not mean, but like she couldn’t believe he’s innocent. Maybe she’s right, and Ryan is having too much faith in this.

“I’m good at my job, but I can’t work miracles, sweetheart,” she says, crossing his legs and looking as she sighs. “Look, if you’re interested in hockey being your profession, then come back to the real world and understand this: the press is a vipers’ nest, Ryan. And, if you don’t give something to them, when they’re done with you, your photo will only show up in those special shows talking about broken toys and forgotten stars,” she says, shaking her head and making a compassionate gesture. “I think you’re so innocent you think hard work is enough because you got where you are with hard work. Got news, honey, ask your boyfriend if he didn’t need to work hard all his life just to survive,” she says, and Ryan tenses because he doesn’t like one bit the reference, the sentence she used as if she knew more than she should. “If you want me to help, I need you to come back to earth.”

Ryan opens his mouth to say something, but he doesn’t know what. All his body feels like he’s on alert and the doubts about what does Z know about Brendon and how can it affect him don’t let him think clearly. Dan looks at him and then at Z, sighing and talking.

“Listen, I know this is bullshit, okay? But Z is right. You know how the press is, dude, they’re not going to stop until they get all your dirty secrets out. Yours and Brendon’s,” that makes Ryan look at him sharply, and Dan raises his palms up like he was afraid of Ryan, somehow. “It’s better to leave this to her and try to avoid a media massacre. I know you just want to be able to live your relationship as you would if it was a woman, no offense,” he adds, looking at Brendon for a moment. “But this fucking country, man… It’s not going to happen.”

Ryan stays silent, looking at Dan until he looks down tightening his jaw. He knows he’s right, he knows, even though he hates it. Ryan knows if he doesn’t give them something to play with, they will find it by themselves, and they’re going to get something so much worse. He breathes in and lets it out, and he just looks up to look at Brendon. He looks back at him a little lost, and Ryan knows what he has to do if he wants this not to affect him more than it should. He’d do whatever is needed to protect Brendon. Ryan looks at Z and sighs, and her face is serious and hard, but somehow makes him feel sure about this.

“Okay,” he says. “We’ll do it your way. But Brendon stays out of this. If you work with me, I want you to do everything you can, everything, so they don’t talk about him more than it’s necessary, please. I think I don’t have to clarify.”

“Ryan…” Z rushes to talk, but she stops, breathing and talking softer. “Honey. Brendon is in this as much as you are. His collaboration is essential to get the image of us we need. No one is going to buy the perfect couple in love when one of them is a ghost, you know?” she explains, but she moves her hand to indicate she’s not done. “That doesn’t mean the press has to talk more than they should about him, they’re not going to talk bad about him. We're looking for them talking the best they can, about both of you.”

“Yeah, yeah, I get that. It’s not that what I…” Ryan says, looking at her before he talks again. “Now. Z, you know what I’m talking about. I don’t mind them talking about _now_. What happened before now, stays behind. Am I clear? You have to do everything you can.”

Z smiles, nodding slowly and looking at him as if she were reading his mind.

“I see now you get why am I here,” she says, leaning back in the chair and looking at Ryan. “I can’t promise anything, Ryan, I can’t control what a journalist does know or doesn’t know. What I can do is sell Brendon, so they don’t need to get that out.”

“Whatever it takes. It’s my only condition,” he squeezes his grip on Brendon’s hand as he talks. “You have to do everything you can. I don’t care they talk about my shit. But not his, okay?”

“I’ll do everything I can,” Z nods, looking at both of them softly for a few seconds. “You’ll have to collaborate all you can. The press has been talking about you for days now without your permission or opinion,” she says, taking his sunglasses off and leaving them on the table. “If we want to change things, we have to get on it now.”

Ryan looks at her and nods, and he doesn’t release Brendon’s hand as she keeps talking, even though he doesn’t listen too much and looks at Brendon to see how is he doing. He doesn’t look like he’s paying attention either and he’s lost a little color on his face. Ryan sighs and bites his lip.

He hates this. He hates having to expose him like this, risking his personal life to become public just because Brendon’s with him. It’s something that hurts, something that hurt Brendon and still does. His relationship with his family being present all over the media, it’s not fair, they’re going to make it a parody and take advantage of his problems to fill up shows that only people with no life watch.

He can’t allow that. And Z seems to have understood the importance of it. It’s true; she didn’t make any promise, but Ryan is willing to do whatever it takes, so they don’t talk about that. Anything related to himself, his family, his life before Brendon, he doesn’t care about that. He just hopes he can get it somehow, being the center of their attention enough for them to search through his past and not Brendon’s, so they don’t touch a wound that Ryan’s not sure he’d be able to heal.

 


	3. Paid Media

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omg can you believe DOAB is nominated for a fucking grammy?? I'm kinda proud of Brendon. He did it all by himself and he deserved it. I really really hope he wins... Anyway, here's the third chapter and I hope you enjoy it! -R

 

 

3.

 

Press. Statements, interviews, pictures, videos, posed pictures, candid pictures, exclusives. Brendon never thought there were so many words to describe what for him is just an invasion of privacy. Maybe he never thought about it before, maybe he didn’t realize the exposure they would have to face until now when he has been exposed. And nothing has even happened yet, but it’s been enough for Brendon to see what it could happen.

It’s almost like having a gun pressed against your head, it has the same effect: do as I say or your life is over. It’s a threat, the same way some dirty mugger threatens you in a dark alley, just these ones wear fancy clothes and whitened smiles. It’s even scarier because you can try to talk to the poor thing that tries to rob you, knife in hand, you can try to reason with them, make him understand you're as oppressed by the system as him. With these ones instead, who could try to reason? How are they going to empathize with you?

Maybe he’s exaggerating. Or maybe not, probably not, but perhaps… Brendon doesn’t know because he’s never been in this situation. He’s never felt this observed, and that’s something, coming from someone who’s never cared if he was the center of attention, but these are not the right reasons.

His family, his past, his darkness. Those are the worst reasons Brendon could ever imagine.

As much as he tries, he can't get out of the shock that has been knowing everything he always tried to leave behind, to bury, can come out anytime, can some out to stay. Ryan seems like he didn't think about it either, and maybe that's why the first thing he does after meeting Z is apologizing to him, telling him he's sorry he's gotten him into this, that this was the last thing he wanted and it's his fault for exposing him when he knew how private Brendon is with his personal life.

Brendon wants to tell him no, it's not Ryan's fault. The only thing Ryan did was kissing him, and Brendon would never accept an apology for that kiss, the one that changed his world and made him hold on Ryan like that was the only way of standing up on that cloud he felt under his feet. However, there are so many thoughts running inside his head, old fears and new ones, doubts, shock, it's not until a few days later when Brendon can talk about it.

"We're in this together. I'm not a victim and you're not responsible," he says as he hugs Ryan, holding him tight, using all of the strength he knows he will need to carry on. "It's both of us, Ryan."

Ryan sighs against him and it feels like his muscles deflate, like Brendon’s words had taken away the tension they had been holding in all these days. He sighs and buries his face in Brendon’s neck, swallowing before he answers.

"I'll do anything that's in my hand," Ryan says, pressing their foreheads together. "Everything I can, Bren. I don't care if I have to double Z's pay, I don't want you to get involved in this mess more than you already are. It's your life, and it hurts you, and it's not fair."

"Ryan…" Brendon shakes his head. The last thing he wants right now is Ryan feeling guilty about this. Brendon knows there's nothing Ryan can do, and he doesn't want him to think like that because that thought will only make him feel like shit when the press starts attacking them. "Forget about that. We need to be strong, together. It's the only thing I need from you, to know you'll be there with me. Whatever happens," he says, smiling a little. "This is not just you. We're on the same team, understand?"

Ryan takes a few seconds to answer like he was resisting to understand Brendon was right. He nods before he speaks again, his body relaxing completely.

"I know, I know. It's just… I'm with you. Always, you know that" he says, repeating it again in a lower voice. "I'm with you."

Brendon knows although he’d like Ryan to be aware of it too. It’s going to be hard, of course, it’s going to be. And he knows Ryan is going to feel guilty about the consequences of what he did, that he’s going to need time to separate the act and the interpretation. It doesn’t matter. They have time. Brendon will hold his hand the whole way there.

“I’ll do it,” Brendon says, not letting Ryan answer. Z wants one of them to give an interview. Actually, the ‘ideal thing’ would be to do it both of them, but just one would be enough if the two of them couldn’t do it. Brendon won’t let it happen.

He knows Ryan would have an awful time if he had to answer to those so-called journalists. Ryan can't lie, he never could, he gets nervous and forget about details, you can read it all over his face. It's almost adorable, somehow, but totally inconvenient for what Z wants: a national live broadcast interview plus the cover of some tabloid. Brendon is perfect for that. Brendon can lie, he has spent his whole life doing it.

“Brendon…” Ryan starts speaking and his face shows he's not comfortable with this, he's not sure. He rubs his hands together and looks at Brendon with huge eyes and his lip between his teeth. “Are you…? It can be both of us, we can do it together. You don't have to… I won't let you do it alone.”

“I won't be alone, thousands of people will be there with me,” Brendon jokes, or he tries, trying not to get nervous when Z corrects him and says ‘millions'. In this moment, Brendon would like to live in a smaller country. “Ryan, you know you don't…” He bites his lips smiling, but sighing. “This is show business, and you don't like it. This is exactly what you hate and I won't make you do it. This interview is just to create an image of us, right?” He says, looking at Z for a second, then back at Ryan. “Then that's it. I'll give the right answer to every question and smile all the time, and if they offend me, I'll keep smiling. You know you couldn't do that,” he adds with a mocking tone to play it down, making Ryan smile a little. “We don't want you to start barking at the host, huh? And it will be live, Ry… Really, I'll do it. Don't worry about it.”

Z explains that she will ask the first thing that comes to her mind, the kind of questions any celebrity would have to face during an interview. Brendon’s job will consist in sounding as convincing as he can, he has to make the audience believe he has the most wonderful relationship with the most wonderful person in the whole wide world.

“I have it,” Brendon says with half a smile, looking at Ryan. He does.

The first questions are normal, Brendon guesses they are the typical ones, his name, his profession, what he did within the medical team. Brendon thinks they seem like the kind of question they ask you before you use a polygraph, so they can set your answers right before they start questioning you. Brendon likes a little too much crime novels.

Oddly enough, those questions help him relax, and Brendon doesn't understand why he was afraid of them. Even when Z starts asking about what happened at the end of the Stanley Cup, Brendon is so comfortable in his role he doesn't get nervous about what's about to come.

“You started working for the team a year ago, right? And in that short period of time, you got Ryan Ross to kiss you in front of millions of people across the country. What does Brendon Urie has, what's so special about him to get that?” Z asks, straight and blunt. Brendon laughs a little. If these are the hard questions, he has nothing to worry about.

“Nothing,” he says, shrugging and smiling sideways. Nothing, honestly, Brendon Urie has nothing special. He can hear Ryan huffing, but he doesn't say a thing, “but I guess you can't fight love, right?” He adds, looking at Ryan for a moment before he goes back to Z, giving her what she wants. “I didn't ask to fall in love with Ryan, or him to fall in love with me. It just happened.”

“It had to be love at first sight for you to be moving in with him in less than a year together, and really strong to make Ross get out of the closet for you.”

“What can I say? Ryan doesn't do things light or halfway. He always gives all of him,” he answers, smirking. “Maybe it's the hockey thing.”

“Hearing that, anyone could think the wedding is not that far away,” Z replies with the same smirk that fades in Brendon's face. His throat dries and he tries not to show it. Okay, this is what Z was talking about, right? All kinds of questions, crazy questions, absurd questions and… fictional questions. Fictional, like his answers. These are not real questions, they're not for them, they're for the couple they want to pretend to be. That doesn't help to make Brendon's heart go slower, though. “We already saw one of Ross teammates proposing to his girl at the end of one of their games. Can we expect something like that from you guys?”

“I think there has been enough public shows already,” Brendon answers, or he tries to avoid answering actually. He doesn’t know why he does it, why he doesn’t just answer with a simple ‘yes’, why he doesn’t give fictional details like how he imagines his perfect wedding or Cassie’s kid carrying the rings, or maybe Zeppelin because that would be adorable. Or maybe he does know why. “Also, I’m a traditional guy. I’d like something intimate, familiar, in my home church, wearing  a white dress,” he jokes, laughing to ease his own tension more than to ease the topic. Z doesn’t seem to take it as a joke, though, because her smirk grows wider. She knows she has Brendon where she wanted.

“The first gay wedding inside the NHL, it would be the event of the year without a doubt. But you already live together, so it would be just a formality,” Z doesn’t ask, she affirms, and Brendon realizes how without noticing Z just got them married, just like that. Thinking about it makes his heart beat too hard, too fast, enough to make him think maybe this is not going to be as easy as he thought. “The real even would be the moment the kids start coming,” she says, and Brendon blinks, a weird tingling feeling installing at the bottom of his stomach, “because I’m sure you’ve thought about making your family bigger, right?”

Brendon swallows and smiles, tilting his head and looking for Ryan with his eyes, although Z’s are so fixed on him it’s like they tie him to the chair with a supernatural force. Ryan looks like a statue on the couch, he doesn’t blink, he doesn’t even look like he’s breathing.

“Well, I… I mean, we haven't talked about… It's too soon to…” Brendon babbles and looks for the answer in Ryan's eyes.

“The answer is yes, Brendon,” Z says, making a face and almost rolling her eyes. “Yes, of course, we've thought about that. We're still young, but Ryan is great with kids, he's a natural… Maybe I'd have never thought about it if I wasn't with someone who makes me feel so safe.”

Brendon opens his lips, but he doesn't say a thing, every one of Z's words getting inside him and growing out there, making it impossible to breathe. His cheeks burn, it's like fire on his skin, and he's not sure if he feels that way because he's realized that everything that woman said it's the very truth.

“Brendon? The answer?” Z insists, and Brendon opens and closes his mouth, but he only manages to get the red of his cheeks spread to his ears. He turns his head to look at Ryan for help. Ryan's eyes are huge and he's pale, and he looks at Brendon for a moment, a bit in shock, until he seems to snap out of it.

“Um. What about a rest?” Ryan says suddenly, standing up. “I'm thirsty. Z, you? Coffee? Tea? Beer?”

“I say beer!” Brendon almost shouts, surprising himself even, getting up from his chair and going to the kitchen in a few strides. He doesn't think about Z's face right before he leaves her.

He wants to get his head in the fridge in the moment he opens it, but he decides just to press the cold beer bottle against one of his cheeks, swallowing embarrassed when his eyes meet Ryan's. Z follows them close because it seems like she has no problem in making their house hers too even if no one has invited her to. Ryan goes right to the cabinet and takes the tea, and Z looks at Brendon for a second before making an amused face, raising an eyebrow.

“Interesting reaction. Not bad, actually. Blushing that way is almost better than answering,” she jokes, or she mocks him, Brendon is not sure, but she seems like she's enjoying it.

Brendon doesn't say a thing, and Ryan intervenes to ask Z to stop for today and continue some other time. When Z talks about the option of emailing the questions and preferred answers to Brendon instead of rehearsing them in person, Brendon agrees and promises he will study hard. When they are left alone again, Brendon feels like the atmosphere is heavier, it feels weird. And he knows he wants to say something, he should say something, but he's not sure about what exactly.

“Listen… That last thing Z asked…” he starts, but he doesn't know how to finish, and the end of the sentence hangs in the air while Brendon tries to look for Ryan's eyes.

He finds them because Ryan moves to look at him, although he doesn't it slow, carefully, like he was afraid somehow. He looks at Brendon and his cheeks are lightly red, his hands gripping his mug like it was the only thing that's keeping him on his feet.

“Um. Have you…? I mean, have you ever, um, thought…? About it,” he asks, and his cheeks get redder. Brendon opens his eyes huge and feels like a vortex to another dimension has opened inside his stomach.

“About…?” Brendon is not sure if he should drink another sip of beer because God knows if he would stop just there. And it can't be real, Ryan can't be asking him if he ever thought about having kids, right? 

He's about to tell him that everything Z is making him say is pure fantasy, fiction, a setup, whatever he wants to call it. Ryan doesn't have to worry, he…

“I mean, um,” Ryan speaks again and his words come out as fast as the color of his cheeks spreads across his whole face. “In general. Like, you know. Not with me, or... Um. I know I'm not. It's, I mean. Like a general idea, have you ever… In your life. Cassie said once you didn't like children, now that I think about it, so, yeah, actually I guess… Um. It's… You can interrupt me, you know? I don't mind,” he says, bringing his mug to his lips and drinking almost half of his tea in a big gulp. Brendon lets out a big hysteric laugh and, really, it's not that funny, but his whole body is trembling and he's overwhelmed. He finishes his beer but doesn't put the bottle away, and he doesn't take that long to answer back, but it feels like an eternity.

“Well, I…” Brendon begins, and he finds out his voice sounds weird in his own ears, too pitchy, or maybe too hoarse, he doesn't know. So he lowers it, because if he almost whispers, his tone would get even, he guesses. “I never… I mean. It's like I never thought that was possible, so I never… Because, I mean, look at me, right? Who would…?” He snorts a laugh, shaking his head when he lowers his look to the floor. “How could I raise or take care of someone? You know what a mess I am with people. Can you imagine another crazy shit like me running around? It would be… No, that would be nuts. No one,” he continues while he keeps shaking his head,” no one in their right mind would want to have two Brendons at home.

“I think you'd do great,” Ryan says and, for the way he opens his eyes, it seems like he surprised himself saying that. “Um, I mean. I've seen you with Joanna. I think… I really think you'd be a... Um. You'd take good care of them. Better than good.

“Yeah, well…” Brendon shrugs because there’s a difference. He’s good with kids when he just needs to play with them, play the clown, thinks like that. It’s different from really taking care of them. And Brendon knows he wouldn’t be able to do that. Not alone. “Anyway, that’s usually a matter for two, so…” he says, and only when the words are already out he realizes what he’s really saying. And he swallows, deep, raising his eyes to see if Ryan has taken the hint or he can breathe in relief. Seeing how Ryan’s eyes almost take his whole face, his mug frozen halfway to his mouth, it looks like Brendon didn’t have any luck.

“Um,” he says, swallowing and looking at Brendon while he chews at the inside of his mouth. “Yeah. Sure. It's, um. I didn't mean. It's…” He swallows again and he leaves the mug over the table, rubbing the palm of his hands on his pants, uneasy. It doesn't look like he's going to finish the sentence.

“I didn't mean…” Brendon raises a hand for a moment, but he really doesn't know what he didn't mean. “I know you… what you said. Not with you. That's… I wasn't, like, pressuring you or anything.” He lets out a little laugh because he can't believe they're talking about this. “If you don't… That's fine. I mean. It was just an observation. That's all.”

“Okay,” Ryan says, but he looks like he didn't understand a thing Brendon said because he still looks at him with those big and confused eyes. “I just. I was wondering. Just wondering. It's…” He sighs and lowers his look, huffing before he looks up again. “It's not like I wouldn't want, maybe… with you, I mean. I don't know… It's not. It was just… curiosity.”

Brendon looks at him opening his eyes and feeling his mouth dry, the feeling in his stomach spreading all over his body. He grips the bottle in his hands harder, and he's not sure if he could move right now or he would just fall face down because he's afraid he has forgotten how to walk or even move a muscle.

“Okay,” he says, just because it feels like he needs to say something, and he looks away again, feeling like he's burning hot. He curses Z and why she decided to ask those questions like it was a good idea. Only then he remembers why she did it, and he feels like jelly. “Then… If they ask me that and… Um. If I answer something like Z said, is… is that okay with you?”

“I…” Ryan considers it and takes a breath, letting it out while he moves to sit on a stool like he couldn't talk about this standing up. “I don't know, all of that feels just calculated, the answers, the… I didn't even think about that until Z asked and, and I don't want you to feel pressured to think about it just because of them… I mean, it's like they're forcing us to make decisions we never even thought yet, isn't it? Or maybe we have thought about it, but we never talked about it and…”

“Okay, yeah. Yeah, you're right,” Brendon nods because yes, it's true. Everything Ryan is saying it's true. These questions are not for them, they're for the picture they want to sell, and Brendon should think about the answers just the same way. It's absurd to apply them to their real life because their real life is not there yet. “It's stupid, actually. They're gonna make me say a lot of shit we… I think maybe you shouldn't watch the interview,” he says, laughing a little. Ryan looks at him and his bottom lip is back between his teeth while his fingers twist the hem of his t-shirt.

“It's not stupid,” he says, and he sounds calmer, more relaxed than before. “It's not, Bren. It's just that… Well, we have never talked about it and, and Z asked and, well, I thought I could ask too, just. Just to know.”

“No, yeah, I meant it's stupid thinking about the answers I will give because, in the end, they're not our real answers. They're, well… whatever Z wants them to be. So, yeah. But it's cool that you ask whatever you want, just to know or whatever,” he says, making a face. “And, well. Now you know,” he adds with a weird laugh.

“Actually it’s not that clear yet for me,” Ryan says, laughing a little and looking at Brendon. He clears his throat and looks around, making a thoughtful sound and looking back at Brendon a few seconds later, his cheek red again. “Would you do it? Um. Having a kid. With… With me or, you know, with. With someone else,” he asks, laughing again.

“Why would I want a kid with someone else?” Brendon laughs too, taking advantage of this absurd situation to ease up a little, shaking his head no and sighing. “No… No. Not with someone else. In fact… Uh.” He shrugs and makes a face, and Brendon is sure his whole body would contort right now if it could, making him look like a cubist painting. “I probably won’t… I mean, I never thought about it. Never. Until I met you,” he says, tightening his jaw a little before he looks at Ryan.

“Oh,” Ryan says, opening and closing his mouth a couple of times before another sound comes out of it. “Um. I’m not good with kids, I think. I haven’t met a lot of them, honestly.”

“Okay,” Brendon laughs, nodding even if his stomach twists a little. “It’s okay, it’s not like… I already told you, anyway. I never thought about having a mini-me around, so… It’s fine.”

Ryan stays silent for a few seconds, thinking of something Brendon can’t guess. Suddenly, out of the blue, he burst out laughing, a real laugh.

“In fact, it would be fun,” he says, still laughing. “Also, a kid with your eyes. Imagine. He would be the whole school’s crush,” he adds, clearing his throat when he stops laughing, the smile still on his face. “Um, I never… I didn’t mean to say no, before. I just never thought about it, it’s complicated being me,” he laughs, lowering his eyes and pressing his lips together. “But maybe. Um. If it were with you.”

“You know we don’t need to talk about this right now, right?” Brendon replies, smiling soft and leaving the bottle on the counter, getting closer to Ryan and resting his arms on Ryan’s shoulders. “It’s too soon. There’s time. A lot.”

“Okay. Yeah, you’re right,” Ryan answers, looking at him and smiling. “You’re right. But we, we already know I’d do it, maybe, with you. And you probably won’t do it with someone else,” Ryan laughs, sighing. “Are you sure you’ll be okay going alone to that interview?”

“I’ve gone alone to many places. I’m a big boy,” Brendon smiles, leaning in to kiss Ryan’s lips. “I won’t be that far away, I guess. You can always come rescue me if they stain my honor.”

“Deal,” Ryan smiles.

 

*

 

The date for the interview arrives sooner than Brendon expected, although he knew they needed to start as soon as possible. Ryan wants to go with him, not to participate, but to be there for him, even if he’s just waiting outside the studio. Z totally forbids it. She says they can’t trust the studio not to send some camera man to look for him if they knew Ryan was there somewhere.

Brendon thinks about going alone then but, in the last minute, he thinks that maybe Cassie won’t mind going with him. She’s on vacation, as well as the rest of the team, not like the rest of Brendon’s friends. There’s just a little problem.

“Ry, Cassie says she can go with me,” Brendon explains, holding back a guilty smile when he hangs up the phone, looking at Ryan,” but she needs you to take care of Joanna.”

Ryan’s face changes from relieved to concerned in a matter of seconds. Brendon laughs a little and explains that he won’t need to do a lot, just feeding her and maybe change her diaper. He can’t help laughing when Ryan says he always can look for a tutorial on YouTube if he doesn’t know what to do.

Before Cassie arrives, Brendon manages to explain to Ryan the basics of taking care of a baby, how to feed them and change diapers, using drawings to try explaining it better, then using the paper sheet as a diaper to put on Ryan’s hand. When Cassie gets there, Brendon holds the baby while she takes inside a big diaper bag with everything Ryan could need.

“Yes, I know it looks like she’s moving with you guys, but don’t worry, some of these things are here just in case,” Cassie explains the moment she sees Ryan.” There are spare nipples, and extra bottle in case the other one breaks, pacifiers, a few changes of clothes and everything you need to change her diaper. Do you need me to explain something?”

“Um. Yes,” Ryan nods, looking at Cassie’s bag and then at her. “What are nipples? And, uh, what do I do if she cries?”

Cassie turns her head to look at Brendon the moment he starts laughing out loud. She shakes her head and grabs Ryan’s arm, guiding him to the bag and starting to get things out, explaining what is every one of them and what do you use them for.

When Ryan waves them goodbye with the baby in his arms, Brendon can't help thinking about that conversation they didn't have because it wasn't the right time. Z jokes asking if they had decided to adopt a baby too when she sees it, and Cassie says Ryan is really good with kids. Brendon thinks about it while they leave, but stops after a while. Right now there are more important things to think about.

The next hours pass too fast. Brendon tries not to get too nervous, and Cassie talks to him a lot to keep him distracted. It works because Brendon's attention skills are not the best, so it's easy for him to stop paying attention to what he should. Z says it's not necessary for him to read the contract he needs to sign when they get to the studio, but Brendon does it anyway. He would have liked to have Jacky there to tell him what every word he doesn't understand means because Cassie can't really help him there. What he gets in clear is that this interview is exclusive and Brendon agrees not to give any other interview about the things they will talk in here, at least in a few months. He needs to add his bank account to the contract, and this is the first time Brendon is aware that he's going to get money out of this.

“Cassie…” Brendon calls her but doesn't look at her, just grips her arm tight while his eyes are still on the paper. “Is this…? What is this?” he asks, and before Cassie can answers, Z steps in.

“A scam, that's what it is. Half million dollars is pocket change compared with how much they're gonna make out of this interview and the magazine,” she says because, yeah, Brendon read somewhere he will be on some cover too. “But, well, it's you. If it were Ryan, I wouldn't have closed the deal for less than four million dollars.”

Brendon guesses he should feel offended for how that sounded, but he’s too busy trying to assimilate he will have half a million dollars in his bank account by the end of the day. For a moment, he pictures a cash machine exploding and it’s a funny and strange picture at the same time. Cassie doesn’t say a word but she looks at him somehow resigned. Brendon wants to ask why but right then someone takes him to the make-up room.

“It’s too much money,” he says while he sighs and one of the make-up artists puts something on his face. Z looks at him with her arms crossed and shakes her head. Brendon would like having Cassie there too.

“Listen, Brendon, it is not too much,” Z says after a while, and it's the first time Brendon feels some kind of empathy towards him coming from her. “You don't realize how big this is because this is not your world, it wasn't your world. But this is how things are, right now your relationship is profitable and everybody will try to take advantage of that. I myself am taking advantage of that, do you have any idea how much they pay me for being Ryan's PR?” She asks, and Brendon doesn't even want to think about it. “All those magazines that used your picture got a lot of money out of it, every time they talk about it, they're getting money out of it. So who better than you to take money out of it too?”

“I know, but…” It's wrong. Or something. If Brendon was dating anyone else, this wouldn't happen. He's just here because Ryan is someone important, not him. He is still a nobody. He doesn't deserve this when there are so many people out there in need of that money more than him.

 

He wonders how could he explain this to Z without sounding self-deprecating.

“But what? Is it better to interview someone else talking about you guys? Spreading rumors about you, talking about private things? Brendon, let me tell you the only way of keeping things private is controlling what they say about it in public,” she explains, and Brendon can see how the make-up team nods subtly like they know she's right. “This is like feeding the village's monster with a sacrifice once a year. You face a lesser evil to avoid something worse.”

Maybe it's because of Z's charisma, but Brendon nods and feels a little better while they walk to the photo-shoot. They don't take a lot of pictures because it's still him after all, and they just need a few for the magazine's cover and stuff. Brendon poses as they tell him, and he does everything he can to look confident. He plays to look casual and relaxed when in reality he's just a scared kid. That's something he's  always been good at pretending.

He doesn’t know the interviewer, journalist, hostess, whatever she is, and he doesn’t know if he should. Brendon never took interest in tabloids or sports press. He wonders is she works for both or just one of those worlds.

She asks him about the whole story, how they met, how they fell in love, how did they manage to keep it a secret until they couldn’t anymore. Brendon answers the way Z taught him, and the interviewer smiles and sometimes she even laughs at Brendon’s jokes. It sounds so natural Brendon wonders if it’s genuine or just years of practice. He doesn’t get to relax completely, but he stops being on the defensive, and he keeps answering like he’s been told to, even when the questions start getting more serious, asking about Ryan’s social status, his money, his luck.

Brendon knew there was the possibility of being called a gold-digger. It’s understandable, having in mind that he’s a normal guy and Ryan earns millions (millions?) of dollars a year. He doesn’t like it, of course, that people think that about him because for starters he didn’t even know hockey made so much money or were so popular. Brendon never followed that world, and for him, Ryan was just another patient the moment he got in his office.

“If my intention had been hooking up with a rich guy, I wouldn’t have gone to a place where it’s expected for my patients to be straight,” answers Brendon, and it looks like it sounds convincing enough. The interviewer nods, making a face.

"It was destiny, then," she says, and Brendon smiles. Destiny sounds good. Destiny sounds eternal. Z should be happy. "It's like a fairytale, right? Prince Charming rescuing Cinderella. The hockey star rescuing the lost boy in Chicago," she says, and Brendon tilts his head, his smile freezing, and his eyes fixed on the reporter. The lost boy. "Because you came to the city when you were just a teen, right? You came here alone, you had nothing. It must have been difficult to get ahead with such few resources."

Brendon keeps looking at her but he can’t see. His mind is blank and, at the same time, everything is blurry. Z didn’t prepare him for this, he’s not the famous one here. His life. His private life is private, no one can know it. How? How does that woman in front of him know when he came to Chicago and how? How?

The seconds pass and the woman waits. Brendon doesn’t know if they can tell he’s frozen there, how his palms are sweating and his mouth is dry. He hasn’t moved an inch, so he should still look relaxed and calm, right? He doesn’t know. He can’t feel his body. Right now his mind is separated from the rest of his body.

“I doubt anyone’s life has been easy all the time. Overcoming adversities is part of being a human being,” he says after what it feels like an eternity, and he manages to get his voice to come out firm, so he doesn’t complain when he feels his face pale and a knot in his stomach.

“Of course, Brendon. But a teenager leaving his family behind, living off strangers. It must be desolating,” she says with that face that Brendon hates, that pity that makes him feel small and sorry for himself. Poor Brendon. Poor thing. No one loved him in his life, take pity on him. “It’s been long since those days, and still we know today you’ve come to the studio with a coworker instead of a family member. You couldn’t fix your relationship with them?”

“I have come with my best friend, not a coworker,” Brendon clears up, and he knows the cameras must be catching the way he’s shaking, how he’s shrinking on the seat like a cornered cat. “My family is anonymous and they don’t need to be involved in this. I’m the one dating Ryan, not them.”

“Sure, of course. But everyone knows how important it is to have our families support,” she says, and that smile, that understanding smile is fake, it is, and Brendon can see the satisfaction pouring out of it. “Is that what brought you two together? Was it not having a family what made you want to start one on your own?”

Brendon feels hyperventilating and he looks for Z with his eyes. Is it allowed to talk about these things? He doesn’t remember that contract saying anything about their families. Should he have read it better? He curses himself for a moment. If he had known he was getting paid so much, he would have offered Jacky half of the money to come with him and give him advice, explain things to him, tell him to sign or not.

Z just looks back at him, and nothing on his face tells that she’s shocked or anything about what is going on. Brendon wants to leave, wants to get out of there, wants to wake up and be home and that none of this has really happened.

“What brought us together was loving each other, falling in love. I think that’s enough to start a relationship,” he answers, getting more serious this time. That’s the only thing the interviewer needs to change her tone and tell him he’s getting defensive.

From then on, the minutes feel like hours, questions start becoming statements, Brendon ends up cornered, shaky and on the edge of getting a panic attack. The poor lost boy becomes just trash, someone disowned by his parents, forced to grow up too soon, probably smart enough to trap someone shy and compassionate like Ryan, “because we all know the ways you need to learn to live on the streets.” Someone who owned nothing, living in some shitty apartment in Washington Park. Brendon almost forgets he’s a professional working for a company, instead of someone who broke into Ryan’s house gun in hand and forced him to love him.

It feels like a miracle to get out of there, the end of a nightmare when he falls in Cassie’s arms and hugs her close until she ends up crying and asking him to never do something like that again, to not expose himself that way. Right now half million dollars feel absolutely like a scam. If Brendon knew it was going to be like this, for no money in the world he would have done it.

He rides back home in the back seat while Z drives, and he keeps his head low all the trip while Cassie yells at Z, telling her this is her fault, and no matter what she says she won’t get Cassie to shut up because she doesn’t control her. “Maybe you have these kids trapped with your clauses and terms, but you can’t shut me up with threatens. I don’t care if I lose my job, you won’t use him like this ever again!” Brendon doesn’t know if Z stays silent and let her rant because she doesn’t care or because she didn’t expect it. However, Z probably gets tired of complaints because she just leaves them at home and goes the moment they step out of the car.

Brendon doesn’t even think about how he’s carrying his keys, he’s too mentally exhausted for that, so he rings the doorbell, leaning on the house wall to wait for Ryan to open the door. Cassie holds his hand and looks at him because there’s nothing she could say. Brendon doesn’t want to hear anything else either. He just wants to forget about today as soon as possible.

Ryan seems to be really close to the door because he opens it when the doorbell echo hasn’t faded away yet. When he looks at Brendon he sighs, and his shoulders fall a little although his movements are careful because he’s carrying Joanna in his arms, cuddled against his chest, with her eyes open and her pacifier on. Ryan’s jaw tightens and his face shows worry, anger, and wrath all over his brow, his eyes, and his chin.

“Hey,” Brendon greets him the moments he sees him, and it seems like that simple word has the power to ease the heavy weight he’s been carrying since he left the studios. He doesn’t wait for Ryan to answer, he hugs him right there, getting Joanna in too carefully so Ryan doesn’t drop her, but tightening his hold as much as he can, hiding his face in Ryan’s neck. Ryan hugs him hard with his free arm, pressing his lips against Brendon’s hair and sighing.

“It’s been hard,” Cassie says, coming in behind Brendon and staying beside them, making a gesture for Ryan to give her his daughter so they can hug better. Ryan hugs him close when his arms are free, covering him like a blanket, kissing wherever he poses his lips.

“You’re home, it’s over,” he whispers, leaning back a little after to hold his face and look at him, his eyes almost furious black. “Are you okay? I swear to God I would burn them alive, motherfuckers. You won’t do this again, not even once, you hear me? Not even once.”

“Ryan,” Cassie calls, making a move with his hand for him to stop. Brendon closes his eyes and shakes his head no, staying there, close to Ryan, hugging him. Cassie looks at him and caresses his head, and Brendon could cry right now, but he feels so empty nothing can come out. “I'm going to leave you two alone, I'll pick my things tomorrow. Whatever you need, call me, huh? Whatever, honey,” she says while he looks at Brendon in the eyes, then at Ryan. “Whatever. Take good care of him today, will you?”

“Thank you, Cassie,” Ryan says after nodding, hugging Brendon close again, caressing his hair.

The door closes behind them and they haven't moved yet. Brendon can't move, he can't do anything except holding on Ryan and stay there for the rest of his life. In this moment Ryan's body feels like the only rescue board in the middle of a furious sea and Brendon's knuckles are white for how tight he grabs Ryan's clothes.

He doesn't know how long he stays there, but in the end Ryan whispers a ‘come on' at the same time he moves without letting him go, guiding him around the house to the living room where there are a few cushions spread all over the floor and the dogs wait for them cautious, like they knew something's wrong. Ryan sits on the couch and drags Brendon with him, moving them until they're comfortable there, telling Rat to get off when she jumps on top of him. She doesn't go too far away, none of the dogs does. They cuddle together at their feet.

Brendon cuddles with Ryan and his mind tells him to speak, to say something, to make a joke and ease the tension he's building. And he wants to, he truly wants to, but right now he just can't say or do anything because he feels like there's nothing he can do or say to fix what happened. He feels small. For the first time since he left his parents' home, he feels useless and weak and small, in need of someone bigger to protect him. He hates that. He hates feeling like that.

Ryan pets his hair repeatedly and keeps him close, breathing slowly and whispering he's there, it's over, it won't happen again.

“Hey,” he calls him after a long silence. “Do you need something? Anything… just tell me.”

“I need to…” Brendon starts talking and his voice sounds hoarse and broken, for wanting to scream when he couldn't, for staying in silence when he wanted to talk and talk when he wanted to stay in silence. He hides in Ryan's body because he feels ridicule for what he's about to ask, but feeling ridicule is being a constant today anyway. “I need you to tell me you love me, and that you didn't realize today that everything they said is true.”

“Of course I love you,” Ryan answers, holding him tighter, so tight it's hard to breathe. “I love you so much, Bren. So much I can't even find the words. And everything they said, all that…” Ryan stops talking and takes a deep breath, letting it out slowly. His words sound firm and sure. “It's not true. It's not, for me. You're the most important person in my life… What happened today changes nothing. I know who you are and who you've been, and I love you, just the same or even more for it.”

"It's… It's so hard right now to tell myself to believe all that," Brendon says, closing his eyes and frowning. "Because I don't doubt you. No, I know… I know you feel it. What I don't understand is why and… I know it's because they've been messing with my head and luckily tomorrow I won't see it like this. But you don't know how hard it is to know all of that and still…" He brings a hand to his chest, pressing his fist against his ribs, like that way he could fill the hole he feels inside, even if he had to rip his skin open and push his hand in.

"Eh, it's okay," Ryan whispers, putting his hand on Brendon's cheek, looking down to meet his eyes. "I'm here. And I'll be here tomorrow. And the rest of the days. And, if you need it, I'll tell you every one of them, I'll show you, until you believe it again, okay?"

Brendon tightens his jaw when the knot in his belly goes up to his chest and starts choking him, closing his eyes and holding Ryan closer. He feels like he can't breathe, and he fights for air once and again. He knows he's squeezing Ryan and, at the same time, he feels weak. It hurts. Everything hurts and burns and twist inside him. He lets out a choked cry before his eyes fill up with tears.

Somehow it's freeing, crying holding on Ryan, like he's the only thing that he has left in this world, knowing he will be there even in the most desperate times. Ryan can make him feel. And right now he feels like a kid, somehow, with his face wet and pressed against Ryan's shoulder, like he used to do with his favorite teddy bear when he understood no one cared if he cried or not. Now Ryan is there, and he's going to be there, no matter how much the world tells him he doesn't deserve it.

Ryan just lets him cry and holds him, his arms surrounding him and his hand caressing him up and down, leaving little kisses between his locks of hair, resting his cheek there. He's silent at first, but after a moment he whispers again, telling him he loves him, once and again.

"Thank you," Brendon whispers, still pressed against Ryan's chest. "I don't know what I would do without you. I don't know what I would be without you," he says, and he really doesn't know. He doesn't know what he would do if he came home to a person who treated him with just a bit less of understanding than Ryan.

"Always," he answers, lowering his face to meet Brendon's, swallowing loudly. "Anything."

 

 


	4. On Diary

 

 

The first thing Brendon does the next day is buying a punching bag online and ask it to be brought home first time in the morning. He doesn’t even think about how absurd is to pay extra for having it home just a few hours earlier than the usual delivery. Maybe because now he has half a million dollars in his account. If earning that money made him feel dirty, at least he will use it to take it out on it.

Ryan has gone running already when the doorbell rings, and Brendon receives his order with his workout clothes already on. That's another thing he should do, get new workout clothes, but he can do that later after he forgets about his college loans and finally choose a car for him. He thinks about that while the workers hang the punching bag on the basement ceiling. Brendon always wanted a car so he wouldn't have to take the L to work, his social life never required a car. Right now, he thinks about that car and how no one has called him again for a job interview.

He's got his gloves on already while he says goodbye to the workers, and he runs to the basement once he closes the main door, hitting the bag right away. He didn't warm up and he knows that's awful, especially when it's been that long since he practiced any sport, but he feels warmed up enough so he can't bother to care. The music sounds loud and strong, and Brendon gets lost in his thoughts every time his fist hit the bag, feeling the pressure in his muscles, the tension making him stand on his tiptoes. He doesn't bother checking the time, Ryan will know where he is because of the noise, the music, and Brendon's grunts every time he blows a punch.

He doesn't notice when Ryan comes home, though, and only knows he's there when the volume of the music gets lower. Brendon turns around and Ryan looks at him smiling, his sweat soaked t-shirt sticking to his body and his earbuds hanging down his neck.

"Hey," he says, getting closer but not too much. "I thought maybe you would be still sleeping. It's early."

Brendon blows two more hits, panting a little and smiling before he brings one of the gloves to his mouth to rip the velcro open, throwing them both on the floor when he takes them off. He walks towards Ryan fast, grabbing his face and kissing him deep. Ryan makes a startled sound but he doesn't even take two seconds to kiss back, breathing deep when they pull apart.

"Sorry. Adrenalin," Brendon says laughing while he tries to breathe again, wiping the sweat out of his forehead with the back of his hand and resting the other one on Ryan's shoulder. "And, yeah. Early. Tell that to the ones who brought the bag," he laughs, looking back for a second before turning again to Ryan. "But it's awesome. The best I've ever tried."

"That's what it looks like. Did you bought it this morning, then?" Ryan asks, wiping some sweat from the sides of his face too.

Brendon nods, moving away to grab the gloves he threw before and stretching a little. When he feels his muscles screaming, he makes a mental not to stretch a little more when he gets to it.

"I need the full equipment, better gloves, better gear... If that's okay with you, of course. There's enough space here for the two of us, right?" He asks, playing with the gloves in his hands. "I thought about not putting them on, but I didn't want to risk breaking anything."

"Yes, please. Don't break a hand now that we're going on vacation, will you?" Ryan laughs, getting closer to Brendon again and kissing his cheek. "I know I'm not the best to say this, but try to take care of yourself even if you want to beak some necks. And of course you can use this, it's big enough and it's ours."

"Okay..." Brendon nods, smiling and moving a little to touch the punching bag. "Now that I'm cooled down, I feel a little guilty for spending that money in this and not like in some association for press victims," Brendon jokes, making a face, "but I don't know if those are a thing, so..." He shrugs, spanking the bag and feeling it hard under his palm. "I'm still in shock anyway. I'd never seen so much money. Well, in fact, I haven't seen it," he laughs, breathing deep and looking at Ryan. "Z said if it were you, she wouldn't have closed the deal for less than four million dollars. Do they really pay that much for... these things?"

"I don't usually do those things," Ryan shrugs, but he doesn't look surprised by the amount of money, like four million dollars was the same as four bucks, "but I know they pay a lot. I don't know... I mean, I have no idea how much they paid you. I knew they would, but. Yeah."

"Oh." Brendon raises his eyebrows, surprised. He thought Ryan knew, being Z his PR and stuff, he thought she would have given him the details. "It's been half million dollars," he says, feeling his face getting hotter that it already was. Ryan raises his eyebrows too, not in shock, more like he can't believe it. "I know, it's insane... I thought it'd be fair if you kept half of it since, well, I went to talk about you."

"Half a million? For that interview?" Ryan huffs and shakes his head, sighing and mumbling something Brendon can't hear about Z and shitty tabloids. Brendon makes a face, lowering his eyes a little because he knows it's too much money for just sitting on a couch and answer some questions, but it's not like he could change the rules of the game. "The money they pay you for doing those things make you feel dirty, or that's what I think at least. But, since they pay for it, half a million sounds like an insult. I guess that's why Z didn't tell me anything..." Ryan says, rolling his eyes, sighing again. "But, well, it doesn't matter anymore. That money is yours, Bren. You went to that interview and dealt with all that shit. I don't need any of it, nor it belongs to me."

"Oh. Okay," Brendon nods, looking at the bag again. He can understand that Ryan doesn't want anything to do with that money. It's dirty money like he said. "Anyway, at least now I don't have to worry about my loans and stuff. Maybe a car would be nice too. I don't know what I'll do with the rest." Maybe he should donate it, maybe that would be a good idea.

"I can pay your loans. In case you want to save it or use it for something else," Ryan says, shrugging a little, like he was talking about the weather.

Brendon looks at him for a moment and feels his muscles hurting even more. He should have stretched. Now it's going to be difficult to do it and focus on in without thinking about what Ryan just said. The offer sounds crazy, maybe because Ryan doesn't even know how much he's in debt and still he prefers to pay it himself than for Brendon to use that money. He begins to feel a heavy weight in his stomach, feeling guilty for accepting that money, for, somehow, selling out. He sold them out. It's different talking about something than getting paid for it. He shouldn't have listened to Z.

"It's not... It's not necessary," he says, shaking his head and moving his fingers over the bag, trying to pinch it without success. "I should stretch. I didn't warm up and I feel my muscles starting to hurt," he adds, trying to change the subject. Ryan frowns a little and steps forward, calling Brendon by his name.

"Eh," he says, moving his head to look at Brendon's eyes, smiling a little when he does. "It's your money, right? I don't... I don't pretend to tell you what you should do with it, I don't want you to think I'm full of myself trying to pay your things and stuff. Maybe it came out wrong... It was just an idea, in case you needed the money for something else. Just that. I'm sorry if it sounded arrogant."

"No. It didn't sound arrogant or anything, really," Brendon smiles a little, shaking his head. "But it's not like I need it for anything else and, well, it's not like I honestly earned it, so... Yeah, no, I'll use it for that and maybe donate it would be the better option," he explains twisting his lips. He doesn't need his new equipment that much. He already got the punching bag.

"I think you earned it, after all those bastards did to you," Ryan says, "but I think that's good. Whatever you want to do with it. If you want to donate it, I know a few organizations in case you want to give it to one of them."

"Okay, yeah," Brendon nods, moving to put the gloves away. "Give me the info, I'll take a look," he says, taking a floor mat and putting it down. "You can stretch with me if you want to."

"I already did, before I got home," Ryan explains, looking at his watch. "I'll take a shower and call Dan and Z. They've called me a few times and I don't know why, 'cause they didn't leave a message." He shrugs and stands there for a second before adding, "and, Bren, think about the money, okay? You don't need to feel bad about using it whatever you need it for. It's yours," he smiles, winking at him. "I'll see you upstairs."

Brendon nods and moves to turn up the music again before he starts stretching. He knows he can spend that money because, in theory, it's his, but that doesn't change they way he earned it. It's hard for Brendon to make those kinds of decisions because, for starters, it's an amount of money he never dreamed he would have to manage. He knows a lot of people deserve that money more than him because he's got a house and food to eat. It almost sounds embarrassing wanting to spend it on a car or a hobby. His loans, well, those are more important because Brendon doesn't think he can pay them in a long time if he doesn't do it now.

He looks at his gloves when he picks them up, touching the worn-out seams. They still work, even if they're not the best. It's not like Brendon is going to fight against an opponent or anything, he shouldn't hurt himself too much using them with the punching bag. He doesn't need the rest of the gear either, he can always take the L and go to Ruben's if he's in the mood. He will get a job sooner or later, and he would be able to get the things he wants. He doesn't need them right now.

When he finishes stretching he goes up to the kitchen, where Ryan is fixing a fruit salad just wearing a pair of sweatpants, his hair still wet from the shower. Brendon smiles and goes there just to slap Ryan's butt before he heads to the shower too. Ryan stops him before he's out of the kitchen, though.

"I've talked to Dan. And Z. And..." Ryan bites his lips, making a face and letting out a short laugh, leaning on the counter. "I've got bad news and good news. Or, well, good news for me. What do you want to hear first?"

"Can I hear the good news now and the bad news never?" Brendon asks, laughing. "And if I need to hear the bad news, can you come with me and tell me while I'm in the shower? Cause right now I feel disgusting, and I would like not to feel disgusting twice at the same time," he jokes, waiting for Ryan to talk even if he really wants to go for that shower. Ryan laughs a little, and he sounds excited, like he was holding on something.

"There are some NHL awards after every season. And, and they told me I'm nominated for one of them. Best defenseman." Ryan smile gets huge, looking at Brendon with his bottom lip between his teeth.

"Really??" Brendon lets out a laugh, stepping forward and holding Ryan's face, pulling him into a kiss. "Congratulations! Woah, I mean... I'm not surprised, I know you're the best, but..." He smiles wide, looking at Ryan with big eyes. "Congratulations, baby. You deserve it."

Ryan laughs and kisses him back, and he doesn't seem to care Brendon is all sweaty, because he holds him close, hugging him tight.

"Thank you," he answers, and he doesn't seem to talk just about Brendon's congratulation.

"Okay, now the bad news," Brendon says, his smile still on. "Although I don't think it will matter, compared with what you just told me, so I won't get mad, or get sad, or anything."

Ryan laughs again, leaning back and making a face, not letting go of Brendon all the way, his hands still on his hips.

"There's an event where they concede the awards, so we're gonna need to postpone our vacations," he says, pressing his lips together and looking at Brendon. "I'm sorry, I know we wanted to leave as soon as possible, but Z said she'd castrate me if I don't attend the party."

"Well, in that case... We can't let that happen," Brendon jokes, looking between Ryan's legs before he laughs. "It's fine. We'll go on vacations when we can. This is more important."

"You mean me or him?" Ryan asks with a laugh, pointing at his dick. "It'll be just a week or so, then we leave. And," he licks his lips, looking at Brendon, "I'd like you to come with me. To the event. If you want, of course. It'll be awful, a lot of cameras, people and stuff, and I would understand if, after everything that happened... You know, if you don't want to come."

"I'll go wherever you want. I don't care about the cameras. You'll be there with me, right?"

"All the time," Ryan nods, smiling wider. "Except for when I come up to get the award, but. Yeah. That."

"Yeah, that's what I thought," Brendon laughs, taking a few steps back. "Can I go to the shower now?"

Ryan laughs and nods, kissing him again before letting him go, licking his lips and going back to the fruit salad.

"Oh, by the way," he says suddenly, "I left a few charity's flyers on the table. There's one for the investigation of weird diseases, another one is for car crash victims, there's an NGO too. And then there's the one that I'm affiliated with, an animal shelter."

"Oh. Uh. Okay," Brendon nods, looking towards the table. There it goes his half million dollars. Easy comes, easy goes. "You know? It would be nice if you fixed some salad for me too," he says, pointing at the fruits Ryan is cutting into pieces. "And, by the way, can I borrow a rubber mat next time? I hurt my knees stretching," he adds, laughing a little.

"That's because your knees aren't trained enough," Ryan jokes, looking at him with a smug smile. "I'll get one for you. And of course I'll fix some of it for you, why do you think I'm taking so long?" He smiles, looking at him again. "Go take that shower. I'll wait here."

 

*

 

Brendon laughs when Cassie it's "f-ing" sad that they can't go on vacation yet, Joanna is there with them and Cassie has banned bad words in front of the kid, she included. It's true Brendon would like to go already, but at least they will go together to that event, so Brendon hopes it won't be as bad as the interview. He tells her he will need to wear a suit, so maybe he can borrow one of Jon's. He already did once before, and he hopes this time it suits him better because back then Brendon looked like a scarecrow. He knows Cassie will ask why doesn't he just buy one, so he tells her about his intention of giving it to charity.

"Charity?" Cassie raises an eyebrow, looking at him. "Brendon, honey, that's a beautiful gesture and all that, but... That's your money. You've spent all your life in need of it. And now you want to give it away?"

Brendon lowers his head, making a face.

"I know, but... I don't know, I don't need to care about paying rent or eating just Mac&Cheese every day, so..." He shrugs. "Ryan takes care of that."

"But you need to borrow one of Jon's suits to go to his event," Cassie replies, and Brendon looks at her frowning.

"If that's the problem, I don't need it, okay? I can wear my fucking jeans," he answers rudely, and Cassie opens her eyes, startled. "I won't ask Ryan to buy me a suit. That's insane..."

"Brendon," Cassie stops him, moving to hold one of his hands and look him in the eyes. "Brendon, I never say that. Jon would love to... You know we never... I didn't say that. But I know you, and it seems odd for you to prefer asking someone for a favor when you could..." She doesn't say anything else, but she doesn't need to. Brendon knows Cassie almost as well as she knows him.

"I know. But as much as I don't like to ask for favors, it's even worse to use dirty money..." he answers, lowering his voice, looking down.

"Dirty?" Cassie asks, surprised. "Who says that's dirty money?"

"I do," he answers, making a face. "Ryan does..."

Cassie looks at him in silence for a few seconds, still looking taken aback, before she takes a deep breath and leans back on her seat. She doesn't say a word, but Brendon can see how something changes in her face, the way she looks at him. Brendon sighs and looks at Joanna, who has stopped playing with him and now is looking for the way to get down his lap.

"Are you going to tell me what you're thinking?" Brendon asks after a while, looking at Cassie without raising his head too much.

"No," she answers, and this time Brendon does raise his head, surprised. "Not yet, at least. I need to think about it. I prefer to keep my opinion to myself for now."

Brendon wants to insist, but he knows Cassie. He tries changing the subject because he doesn't like the feeling he's getting in his stomach, and Cassie follows him, making the atmosphere lighter. When he finally asks Jon for a suit, Jon willingly agrees. 

Jon's suits are not the best because Jon is a bit of a 60's lover and it shows, but Brendon doesn't really care. It's not until he tries it on and Jon says how excited he is for his suit to be on TV when Brendon realizes everybody is going to see him wearing that suit after his already embarrassing interview.

He looks at himself in the mirror, watching the suit come out piece after piece as he takes it off after Jon is gone. At least the shoes are normal, although Brendon doubts anyone will pay attention to them when he'll be wearing a fucking Beatle's suit. Ryan looks at him and rests his hands on Brendon's hips.

"Hey," he starts, speaking in a relaxed tone. "If you want not to do it, if you're worried about the TV thing, it's fine. Honestly. You can just come with me to Vegas and not to the event. It's okay."

Brendon makes a face, still looking at himself in the mirror. The first thing that comes to his mind is telling Ryan that he wants to be by his side no matter what, they're in this together, but he bites his tongue. That is an important event, it will be on TV, Ryan will get an award. And Brendon... Maybe Brendon won't make the best picture being by Ryan's side. He may not care to embarrass himself, but he doesn't want to embarrass Ryan.

"Okay," Brendon says, swallowing and biting his lips.

Ryan looks at him through the mirror and, for a moment he seems surprised by the answer, just before Brendon can read a little deception in his face. Ryan hides it fast, but not enough.

"Um. Okay," Rya nods again, smiling at him. "I just want you to feel good. I don't want you to be uncomfortable."

Brendon nods, pressing his lips together and moving to put on his jeans before he puts away the suit. He bites the inside of his mouth as he does it, and he doesn't really know how to feel about all this. Somehow it's like being Ryan's S.O. is too big for him, and he can't manage to do things well in regards to it. He's not enough. Maybe someone famous, or related to this world would do so much better than him, would have the right image, wouldn't accept shitty interviews without consulting a professional.

"I'll call Cassie... I'll tell her I'll bring it back tomorrow. I won't make Jon come here to take it all over again," Brendon says with half a voice, hanging the suit in the closet before walking towards the door. Ryan grabs his arm before he gets out, pulling at him and sitting on the edge of the bed, looking at him.

"What's wrong, Bren?" he asks with a soft voice. Brendon makes a face and snorts a laugh.

"What? Wrong? Nothing's wrong?" He says, looking at Ryan and feeling his throat a little dry. Ryan raises an eyebrow and doesn't take his eyes off him.

"Don't do that to me, you know it doesn't work," he says, smiling a little. "Something's wrong. I'm a bit oblivious to these things, but I can tell when you're off. Even if I don't know why," he explains. Brendon closes his eyes, smiling with half a smile, trying not to show that if he makes a pause is to swallow the lump in his throat.

"It's stupid," he says, shrugging. "I feel a little bad when I see... When I see I can't measure up to some things. And that wouldn't happen if I were... someone different." Rich. Famous. Have Ryan status. "But those are things I can't change and I can just accept it. It's fine, I just need time. It'll get better."

"Maybe," Ryan says after a few seconds in silence, still looking at him, "if you were someone different I wouldn't have fall in love with you," he says, shaking his head. "You don't need to measure up to anything or anyone. I'm not better than you, nor anyone around us. having money or going to events don't make you need to measure up. And if anyone thinks so, that's their problem, not ours."

"Yes, yes, I know. I know all of that, I know," Brendon nods, because he knows.  He knows everybody is born equal and all those things that sound like the kind of things your aunt shares on Facebook. He knows the theory, but he also knows the practice has nothing to do with it. He knows his image has a value right now, their image as a couple does. He knows if he had a status nothing he would do could taint that image, but he doesn't. And it doesn't matter if Ryan says famous people wear awful clothes all the time because nobody cares about that. People don't care because they are who they are, the same way people will care because Brendon is who he is. And everything he does will affect Ryan. "It's just... let's forget about it. I'm sure I'll be fine the moment we get back from vacations."

"Is that why you don't want to come to the event?" Ryan asks, and his voice is monotone, not letting Brendon see what's behind that question, looking at him waiting for an answer.

"No. And it's not that I don't want to go..." Brendon sighs and shakes his head. "But you're gonna embarrass yourself with me by your side, and I don't want that."

"What?" Ryan asks, tugging at his wrist so Brendon looks at him. He's frowning a little like doesn't understand what Brendon is talking about. "Bren... We're not gonna embarrass ourselves, how would we? Why? Listen. I don't know what made you think like that, or if I can change your mind, but just... Never, you hear me? You would never embarrass me. Whenever we are. You're the one that makes me feel important, and that's not embarrassing."

"Ry, that... that sounds really beautiful, okay? But it's not..." Brendon shakes his head. He doesn't know how to explain it to Ryan to make him understand, to make him see his values and moral are in the right place, but the rest of the world doesn't work like that. And the rest of the world matter because they live in it. "It's not embarrassing for you. I know. But it's gonna be embarrassing. It's gonna be embarrassing going to that even with a borrowed cream-colored suit that barely fits me when everyone else will wear custom-fitting clothes. It's going to be embarrassing enough to have all the flashes and cameras on top of us again. It's going to be embarrassing enough to get on the cover of magazines and make your teammates, the ones that win, mad because we're getting attention again when we don't deserve it. Even you, you may win and no one would care because everybody would be talking about the clothes 'the Chicago's lost boy' was wearing," he says, using the same words the interviewer used with him and he will never forget. "And I don't want that, Ryan. I don't want your life depending on how awful I am in public."

"Brendon, I understand that, okay? I understand you," Ryan says, sighing. "If this is because of the suit, we can get another one. They will always want to talk about something. Always. No matter how well or wrong you do things, they're always going to look for something, even if they need to make it up. I don't... I won't force you to come, okay? I want you to come, but just if you want to. Just try to understand what I'm saying because I'm not even sure if I'm making any sense. It's just. You could be the perfect man in your eyes and they would still find something to say."

"Yeah, but I wouldn't feel bad about it," Brendon answers quickly. "I wouldn't feel bad watching them trying to make up stories, because I wouldn't care because I'd know they're all lies. And if they take a million pictures of us and I feel good by your side, I wouldn't matter what they have to say about them," he explains, pressing his lips together and moving his head. "Maybe it's my fault because I can't make things not matter to me. But when they say what you're doing with me is charity, it matters to me, because it's true, no matter how many other things are between us and that you don't care about how little I have. And when they talk about how poorly dressed I was and how I didn't fit there, it will matter to me, because that's also true, even if you don't care about it."

Ryan stares at him, and Brendon can see so many emotions running through his face he can't read them all. He stays there in silence, almost frozen until he seems to finish processing what Brendon had said. Then he nods, lowering his look and squeezing Brendon's wrists before he lets it go.

"When we were on all the covers the day you kissed me... I loved it," Brendon says, laughing a little because he knows he shouldn't like it because that was why everything started. "I felt euphoric, I even asked Jacky if he could get me a copy of the picture, the best quality he could get. That was going to be a surprise, although I don't even know if you would like it," he admits, moving his head. "I didn't care what people said, and I couldn't stop joking about it because I felt good about myself. That was me, Brendon Urie, The Hounds' physiotherapist, kissing Ryan Ross, The Hounds' defenseman. And I didn't need more money, the same money you have, or... I was myself. But now I'm living off you, I have no job, I have no name, I'm... I am not. Now I'm Ryan's boy. Or the gold digger, or the lost boy who doesn't even have a home. And I know it's not like that for you, but it is for me... Every time they say it, it is for me."

"And what am I supposed to do?" Ryan asks in a low voice, not looking up at Brendon. "Should I do nothing while I see that consuming you? Because I understand you, Brendon, I do... But sometimes I feel like you don't let me change it, or even try it. And, and I don't know what to do to make you go back being that guy that was euphoric because of my kiss, the one who didn't care about the rest of the people."

"I don't let you change it?" Brendon laughs a little like he can't believe what he heard, shaking his head. "Ryan, you can't change that. It's not... It's not something you can change. How am I not letting you change it? How do you want to change it?"

"I don't know..." he says, shrugging. "I thought if maybe once we were more important than what they say about us, maybe somehow it could be again. I don't know, Bren. Maybe that's it, maybe I'm naive thinking I can do things that are not in my power."

Brendon stays where he is, frozen. For a moment he feels like his body breaks, like his mind wants to get out of there even if his physical self can't move. He doesn't know what to say, he doesn't know what to think, he doesn't know what to do. He feels like right in that moment the interviewer asked about his family, small, powerless, not knowing how to get out of there without a script to help him. Ryan said he thinks... No. Ryan stated Brendon cares about what people say more than they care about their relationship, about them. He said Brendon doesn't let him change that. And Brendon doesn't understand. He doesn't understand how Ryan can talk about it like it was so easy, he doesn't understand how Ryan can make him responsible for how those comments make him feel. He opens his lips to breathe when he feels nauseous, and he blinks before he forces himself to speak.

"Ryan... I'd like to be alone right now," he says, feeling his voice shaky, almost as much as the rest of his body. That makes Ryan look at him again, with big, shocked, hurt eyes.

"Bren..." he says, and his voice sounds hoarse before he swallows and looks away like he was looking for what to say. He fails because he opens his lips again but he doesn't say a thing, he just looks at Brendon with pleading eyes.

Brendon has done a lot of hard things in his life, so he can tell for sure getting out of that room and leaving Ryan there is one of the hardest. He doesn't say a thing because his throat is completely shut, but he waits until he's out of the room to tight his jaw and close his eyes, wiping the tears that fall heavy down his cheeks with the back of his hand. He goes downstairs to the basement, to make use of that punching bag he should never have bought.

He doesn't call Cassie because he knows he won't be able to talk properly, but he texts her and tells her he will return the suit tomorrow. He doesn't lock the basement door because he trust Ryan won't come down there and respect his decision. He doesn't put music on either, he has so many voices inside his head it feels like it's going to explode sooner or later. He just hopes he can punch them out of there. And he does. Punch after punch until his hands hurt, he vents everything he's got inside, letting out some tears that mix with his sweat because even he can't understand himself right now.

He knows it's been hours when he sits on one of the benches, throwing the gloves on the floor and unrolling the tape off his hand. He's about to get up when he hears the door opening, his heart racing up as fast as it was barely minutes ago. Ryan gets his head in slowly, looking around until he sees Brendon. Just then he opens the door completely, getting in and moving carefully towards him. His hair is a mess, pushed back on a tiny ponytail, and his face is red, his eyes somehow swollen. Brendon guesses he's no better, but knowing Ryan has been crying as well as him doesn't make him feel better at all.

The only thing he can do is move, shaking his head trying to get rid of everything, almost crashing against Ryan and hugging him tight, closing his eyes and digging his fingers into Ryan's back. Ryan doesn't seem to care he's all covered in sweat because he hugs back as tight, sighing before he looks at him.

"I want you to come with me to the event," he says, his voice soft and low, but firm. "I want us to go get you a perfect suit and I want you to come with me."

"Ryan..." Brendon lowers his eyes, sighing, the guilt twisting in his stomach. "I'd love to go with you, but buying a suit is... I can afford that."

"You have half a million dollars on your bank account, Brendon," Ryan says, still looking at him. "I know you thought about giving it away, but I think you should keep it. Keep it and get that suit, new boxing gloves, whatever you want."

"But..." Brendon frowns, the feeling in his stomach getting heavier. "That's... wrong. There are people who need it more than me and... Also, that money is... You don't like the way I made that money."

"Baby..." Ryan moves his arms up, placing his hands on each side of Brendon's neck carefully. "You earned that money. You went there for me, for us, and you put up with everything they did to you. You deserve that money, you need it too, there's nothing wrong with using it."

Brendon looks at him, trying to understand what Ryan is saying, because it doesn't fit with the things he had in his mind until now. 

"...Are you sure?" He asks, looking into Ryan's eyes to see if the answer is different there, if he's been pressured, if he's talked to Z and she made him say what he's saying.

"I'm totally sure," Ryan answers, sincere, with a pure and clean look. Brendon lowers his head for a moment, frowning, looking back at Ryan.

"Then... I'm going with you?" He asks, the corner of his mouth turning up a little. Ryan smiles huge, nodding.

"You're coming with me," he says, moving his thumbs on Brendon's cheeks. Brendon breaks out laughing, lowering his head again and shaking his head a little, bringing a hand to his face and rubbing it before he nods.

 

*

 

Every fear and doubt Brendon had while they were traveling to Vegas for the first time since he left home fade the moment they get to the hotel. Having that building standing tall in front of him makes him remember all those times as a kid when he wondered how would it be to stay in it. The wonderful details make his brain stop and just stare at everything in awe.

He guesses staying in the Hard Rock hotel is even better than staying in any other hotel, just because of the huge guitar on the face of the building. When they get in the hall, everything gets better. All those items, clothes, music instruments and the rest of belonging of famous people, the lights, and the casino vibe that scream Vegas. If this is just the hall, Brendon can't imagine how the room will be.

"If you were a musician instead of a hockey player, there would be a lot of things of yours in here," Brendon says, looking around, pulling at Ryan when he sees some of his favorite bands' items. Ryan laughs and makes a face.

"I don't know if I'd like one of my pants hanging on these walls..." he says smiling and looking at Brendon. "Did you know we're staying in the 'Nirvana' room?"

Brendon turns his head to look at him quickly, blinking before he opens a playful smile.

"Are you trying to tell me something?" He jokes, wiggling his eyebrows. Ryan laughs out loud, shaking his head and looking at him.

"I don't choose the rooms..." he says, raising his hands. "I'm not responsible. Let's go?"

Brendon holds back a joke about being in seventh heaven, following Ryan while he sees the hotel staff carrying his suitcases. In the end, he couldn't choose between the two of the suits he ended up buying, so he's brought the weird color suit's blazer and the vampire lord suit's pants, just because he can't not wear those pants when his ass looks so good on them. He has no idea of what Ryan will be wearing because he's been freaking out about his own look (haircut and all), but also because he can't imagine Ryan in a suit. In fact, if he closes his eyes, he can picture Ryan wearing his hockey jersey at the awards.

The suite is awesome, and the view is amazing. Brendon inspects it whole although he's really tired and it's late enough to go to bed. Ryan observes him all the time with a big smile on his face, and he looks around too, calling Brendon to show him the huge shower in the middle of the bathroom. When they go to bed, they stay awake a little more, just because they're so excited they can't fall asleep.

They need to get up early anyway because the club has set a visit for Ryan and Spencer to the place where they used to play hockey when they were kids. They're going to show it on TV, of course, because it seems these things help Ryan look more friendly, more familiar. Ryan is happy, though, even if he's going to have a camera following him all the time, so that means Ryan cares about it a lot.

Of course, Brendon can't go with him. Their (or his) public image is not good enough yet to have them both in a place where there are kids everywhere. America is twisted like that, but Brendon doesn't say anything about it. He understands. He doesn't want a bunch of fathers complaining about them turning the children into deviants.

When the time comes, Brendon just say goodbye to Ryan with a kiss, watching him go along with Z, who looks tired of everything already. There's an empty feeling that grows bigger when the door closes and the silence fills up the room, Brendon feeling a little out of place there, alone.

He's not sure why he does it, texting his brother Matt and telling him he's in town. Or maybe he does. Maybe knowing he's not allowed to go with Ryan to such an important place like the first rink he played at as kid makes him feel nostalgic. Maybe thinking about all those kids Ryan is going to visit makes him think about his nieces and nephews and how they're old enough now to play hockey at that same place (perhaps they do, Brendon wouldn't know). He wasn't waiting for Matt to text back anyway. He's done it before, when he was alone and his apartment felt so cold he only could heat up thinking of Vegas, he would text some of his siblings, saying anything, random thoughts.  They never texted back.

That's why he thinks it must be someone else calling when his phone rings, and his heart almost jumps out of his body when he sees Matt's name on the screen. His voice hasn't changed at all in all these years, and Brendon smiles just because of that. They agree meeting at a coffee show Brendon worked at the summer before he went to Chicago. Brendon asks him to bring the kids too, Matt refuses. When Brendon hangs up, the screen shows the two minutes and thirty seconds they've been talking.

He doesn't tell Ryan. It's not that he wants to hide it from him, he just wants to wait and see what happens. He doesn't call Ryan now because he's not sure how everything will turn out, and talking about it with Ryan would just make him more nervous about it. He doesn't want to get his hopes up... or he doesn't want anyone else to know. That way, if everything goes wrong, nobody will know he made a fool of himself.

The coffee shop has changed so much Brendon takes his time to find it. Matt has changed too, but Brendon recognizes him immediately. His hair is shorter, a lot shorter. That's the first thing Brendon notices because Matt was the only one that let him cut his hair when Brendon was fifteen and he said he wanted to be a hairdresser. He wears more conservative clothes now, more like their father, and Brendon would joke about how Matt used to hate plaid vests and now he's wearing one, but he doesn't even know how to say hi. He wants to hug him. Matt's hand is cold when he shakes it.

"It seems that you're famous now," says Matt, and that is his way to tell Brendon he knows about everything. And if Matt knows, the whole family knows too.

"I'm not famous. Ryan's boyfriend is. He's the famous one, I'm a colateral damage," he says, trying to joke about it, feeling his stomach twist when Matt answers.

"Oh, that's for sure." And Brendon wants to take it as a joke too, he chooses to take it as a joke even if he knows it's not. Matt is drinking plain black coffee, a weird choice for a place with so many types of beverage. Brendon doesn't stop to think about why Matt chose that place to meet and just asks for a double chocolate and caramel capuccino. He gets it with cinnamon and a slice of strawberry on the side. Brendon remembers slicing tons of strawberrys years ago. He'll make it for Ryan when they get back home, he bets Ryan will like it.

"How's everyone?" Brendon asks, and he takes a long sip at his drink, not sure if caffein will go great with the way his heart is beating.

"Mom saw you on TV. Everybody did, actually. On newspapers and magazines, even on the radio. Do you know how many days she cried about it?" Matt looks at him serious and Brendon puts his cup down because his hands are shaking. "Dad had to calm her down telling her at least no one at the church knew you were her son. But our family name is still there anyway. That we can't fix it."

I'm sorry. That's the first thing Brendon thinks about, apologizing. That's what he's always done in his family, so many times sometimes Brendon thinks he was born apologizing. He doesn't do it, though, because if he left home was exactly because he was tired of apologizing for being who he is. He thinks about asking Matt if he only agreed to meet to do this, to offend him once more. He doesn't do that either. He just breathes, sips at his cup, blinking slowly.

"How are the kids?" He asks when he speaks again because those kids are the only ones Brendon doesn't have a bad memory about. They never said anything bad to him. Brendon tries not to laugh when he remembers some of them couldn't even talk back then, and he swallows when he thinks about how they must be in school now.

“Brendon, if I came here is because I want to talk some sense into you and stop this. What you’re doing is not healthy for you or for our family. You’re hurting mom, and you’re hurting the kids.”

Brendon closes his eyes and breathes. Breathes.

“We let you live your life like you wanted to live it, Brendon. Hate the sin but not the sinner. That’s why we never wronged you,” Matt explains, and Brendon wants to ask how was not wrong kicking him out of home, how was not wrong telling him if he chose to live like a deviant then it wouldn’t be under their roof. How to stop talking to him was ‘hating the sin but not the sinner’. How they can hate what he is and still try to convince him they don’t hate him. He doesn’t say a thing. He’s had this conversation too many times. “But know your lifestyle is affecting us, Brendon. And that’s not fair. It’s not fair exposing us like that when we have never exposed you. That’s why I want to ask you to stop, to think about it and end this circus. This has gone too far.”

He has opened his eyes again while Matt talked, but Brendon is not sure if he's really seeing anything. He knows Matt is there, he knows Matt is the one moving his lips and making those words come out. He knows that, but he's not sure if he knows because he's seeing it or just because. He doesn't know if he's seeing Matt or he's seeing his father in front of him, frowning and twisting his mouth, if he's seeing his mother crying and crossing herself, asking God what she did to deserve this. He doesn't know if he's seeing himself, scared and ashamed and small, feeling the loneliest he's ever felt when he thought how couldn't feel lonelier.

“I don’t know what you want me to say, Matt,” Brendon says, and it’s true. He has no idea what his brother expects of him. “If you mean you want me to stop appearing on the media, then I wish I could. I swear this is worse for me than for you, and I would do whatever I could to stop this if I could do anything.” He doesn’t say a thing about the club or Ryan’s press needs right now because Matt wouldn’t understand anyway. “If what you’re asking me is to leave Ryan, though…” Brendon snorts, making a face. “I don’t think you’re aware of how much you have to love someone to endure what we’re enduring right now. You’re not more powerful than the media, Matt. And still, here we are.”

“Brendon, please,” Matt’s voice sounds like begging but Brendon has seen it in his eyes, that flash of disgust, that one his siblings hide and his parents don’t even bother to. “This is your chance to change. You are realizing this is wrong. This is a punishment, Brendon. A punishment you can use to redeem yourself.”

Brendon gets up his seat and only when he gets his wallet out of his pocket he realizes his hands are still shaking. He looks at the pictures he carries inside it, his fingers stumbling between receipts and cards and useless stuff. His face is there, along with Ryan's and Joanna's, reminding him that no matter how happy you think you are, the next moment can be the worst of your life. Brendon makes a mental note to get a new picture with Ryan as soon as possible.

“Brendon, do you think I like doing this? Do you think we don’t miss you? The kids don’t even know you, Brendon.”

That's a low blow. That went directly to his stomach, making him feel nauseous and almost bend over, throwing some bills over the table and turning around quickly so Matt won't see his eyes filling up with tears. His brother keeps talking and Brendon is thankful his heart is beating so loud in his ears because that way he can't hear a word as he leaves. The sound of the door closing  when he gets out makes him wonder how many times he's going to get away running from a family member.

 

 

 


	5. Off Diary

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know, I haven't updated in forever BUT I have a good reason for it and it's name is CHRISTMAS. Also you shouldn't be reading these sinful things in our Lord and Saviors holidays, huh?? Kidding, I've just been super busy and I'm really sorry, but here it is the new chapter (you probably want to re-read the previous one too) and I hope you enjoy it. Also, happy (not yet)new year!! Please, let 2017 be better than 2016 -R

 

 

He shouldn't have bought that teddy bear, but he saw it in that store window and it reminded him of his Brenny bear, he had cash in his wallet and no one to grab his hand and pull him away from there, no one to tell him he could cry on their shoulder instead of hugging a baby toy. He's becoming a spendthrift since he and Ryan are together. It's useful, however, the toy. Brendon hugs it and buries his face in it, feeling his soul aching and begging to leave his body. He cries like he knows he can't cry if Ryan is there because he wouldn't be able to handle it. He cries tearing himself apart and feeling his inside twist, wanting to get exhausted so he can smile when Ryan comes back. Not fake smiles, not with Ryan, because Ryan himself is enough to make Brendon smile for real, but it's harder to do it when there's a green monster inside him digging his nails in his throat.

Brendon takes a cold shower when the hours pass but his pain doesn't go away because he knows Ryan will come back anytime soon, and he doesn't want him to see him like that. He breathes and pushes his worst thoughts deep inside him, along with the ones already there. He smooths out the bed cover and puts the teddy bear in the middle of it, smiling for the first time in hours when he looks at it. Ryan will laugh at him when he tells him he bought it. Brendon texts him to ask how everything is going, asking him when he will be back. He waits for the answer while he goes downstairs to the restaurant to eat something, trying to swallow his nausea along something sweet.

Ryan doesn't take long to answer, saying the kids look at him like he was something from outer space and it makes him feel weird, and he will be back in less than an hour. Also, they haven't told him yet when this thing will air. Brendon feels like he can't miss Ryan more than he misses him now, and his chest tightens thinking about how he will have to wait one more hour for Ryan to come back. He wants to text him 'I love you' and 'please don't take too long' but he knows that would sound too needy and Ryan would worry about what's going on. Brendon breathes before texting Ryan to have fun and call him when he gets back.

It's not even 50 minutes later when Ryan texts him again to tell him he's back at the hotel, asking him if he's in their room or somewhere else. Brendon texts back quickly saying he's coming to the room, throwing the ice cream tub he had gotten in the nearest trash bin and running to the room. Ryan isn't there yet when Brendon gets in, so he can fix his hair and wash his face with cold water, breathing deep and sighing.

He doesn't need to wait too long until he hears the door opening and closing fast. Ryan gets in, crossing the room to get to the couch from where Brendon is standing up to almost throw himself into Ryan's arms. He knows it's not the best reaction to pretend everything is all right, but he needs to hug Ryan, he needs to have him there, to feel him there with him.

"Hey," Ryan says, laughing a little, a bit surprised. He hugs Brendon back, thought, covering him like a blanket, kissing his cheek. Brendon sighs. "Did you miss me that much?"

"That much," Brendon nods, laughing and hugging Ryan tighter. "I've explored the hotel. There are at least five pools, or so I counted, cause I got bored and went for an ice cream. I've almost eaten a whole cheesecake ice cream tub."

Ryan laughs again, leaning back a little to look at Brendon. He opens his lips to say something, but he stops, frowning a little and stroking Brendon's hair. Brendon feels his lips trembling and smiles wider, swallowing a little before he breathes.

"Everything okay?" Ryan asks, soft and curious. Brendon blinks, opening his lips and closing them back again.

"Uh..." He knows not answering right away is a bad signal, but he can't just say yes, he can't lie like that. "You know what?" He says, moving away and letting Ryan go to walk towards the bed with half a nervous smile, grabbing the teddy bear. "I bought this. Isn't it cute?" He laughs, a little bit guilty. "I saw it and... I couldn't help it."

Ryan laughs again, breathy and short, looking at the teddy and then at Brendon. His smile is still on, but Brendon can see in Ryan's eyes he has noticed the change in the subject.

"It is cute. Is it for me or for you?" He asks, looking back at the teddy.

"Oh." Brendon looks at the teddy too, thinking he should have bought something for Ryan too. "For both of us? Actually, it was for me, but he can be your friend too," he says, joking a little even when there's still a lump in his throat. "His name is Brenny Jr. and he wants to loooove you," he laughs, getting closer to Ryan and pressing the teddy against his chest, pretending the bear is hugging him. Ryan holds it and laughs again, keeping it there for a moment before placing it carefully on the couch.

He doesn't say anything else, he just reaches to hold Brendon's hand and pulls him down to sit on the couch too, getting him closer to hug him again, covering all over with his arms, tight against him.

“Come here,” he whispers, even if Brendon’s already there. Brendon feels it, even if it’s just a hug like before, he feels the change in his body, changing the atmosphere. He swallows and laughs, shaking his head a little.

“Ry, I’m… You don’t have to… I’m fine,” he says, he lies, faking a laugh and trying to get away a little even if he just wants to stay there forever, live there, in his arms.

“Okay,” Ryan says, but he doesn’t let go. “I just want to hug you. That’s all.”

"Ryan..." Brendon calls him again, but his voice gets stuck in his throat, making him hide his face on Ryan's neck and grab Ryan's shirt tight in his fists. He closes his eyes as hard as he can to make the tears go back because he's cried enough for this not to happen, but Ryan's scent drowns him, and the feeling of being home, really home, makes his improvised and unstable wall break down. Brendon breaks too when he can't handle it anymore. "Ryan."

"Shh, it's over," Ryan says, hugging him closer, resting his cheek on Brendon's head. "Let it go. Whatever it is, I'm here."

"I... I've done something I shouldn't have," he says, laughing at himself while he sobs, shaking his head. "I don't know why I thought it wouldn't go wrong..." He sighs, pressing his forehead against Ryan's skin, breathing. "I didn't want to stay here alone and I thought, I don't know, since we are in Vegas maybe I could try..." Brendon shrugs, making a helpless sound. "I called one of my brothers. And... and we met and... we talked. And it didn't go well."

Ryan sighs and his body gets tense for a moment before he gets one of his hands up to touch Brendon's hair, moving his face to kiss Brendon's forehead.

"It's over," he repeats, and he sounds sure and sincere. "Now you're fine. I'm with you. It's okay."

Brendon nods, feeling safe somehow, now that Ryan's arms help him stay in place, standing on his feet in a way he wouldn't be able to do by himself. It's almost scary, how much he needs Ryan, how Ryan is the only one right now able to provide the mental and emotional stability Brendon needs.

"I won't see my nephews and nieces again," he says, laughing bitterly before he closes his eyes and hugs Ryan closer. "They will probably grow up hating me."

"Hey, come on, Bren," Ryan murmurs, soft, caressing Brendon's hair slowly, soothing. "Don't think about that now, okay?"

"Yeah, I know... I know," Brendon nods, letting go of Ryan to rub his face with a hand, breathing deep. "Did you have fun? How was everything?"

"It was weird, coming back after all these years," Ryan says, using his hand to wipe Brendon's face carefully. "The kids were freaking out, you know? But I liked it, being with them, talking about hockey... It reminded me of when I was their age," he says, smiling a little and touching between Brendon's eyebrows with his thumb. "I would have liked you to come. Maybe someday we can go without anybody knowing."

"Yeah, I'm sure that would be a good idea," Brendon laughs, moving a little to pull at Ryan and sit on the couch. "I'd have liked to go with you too, I can almost see your face..." He closes his eyes, sighing with his smile still on. "Hey, didn't...?" He starts, but he stops himself, shaking his head. It's impossible. And stupid. "I was going to ask if there wasn't any Urie there among the kids, but that's... It's impossible."

"I would have told you the moment I got here," Ryan says, squeezing him tight with the arm still around Brendon's body.

"Yeah, no, I know..." Brendon shakes his head, making a face. "Don't worry, there will be some day..." he adds, laughing and shaking his head again. "Kidding, kidding." He looks at Ryan because he remembers how nervous he got when Z talked about them having kids that time at home. Ryan laughs and, even if he sounds nervous, he stays calm. "It's better if they keep your name if they're going to play hockey," he adds because he can't help it, giggling then. "No, I'm kidding, really."

"Maybe they want to be someone for themselves, and not because of my name," Ryan shrugs, laughing a little and kissing Brendon's skin. Brendon raises an eyebrow, laughing too and nodding.

"Maybe, yeah, who knows..." Brendon says, following the joke before he lowers his head a little, looking at his hands. Now that he knows he won't meet the little ones in his family ever again, talking about this, even if it's just a joke, makes him feel uneasy. Ryan stays in silence for a second before he leans in, touching Brendon's ear with his lips.

"I love you," he whispers, tightening his hug. "And every mini Ross-Urie will love you too," he laughs, and Brendon is not sure if Ryan is joking or not, because his voice seems sure although he's laughing. "As much of even more than I do. And that's a lot."

Brendon laughs with his head still down, leaning into Ryan's hug and feeling something inside him move. He doesn't think he's mature enough to think about what Ryan is saying, mini Ross-Urie, having kids on their own, create a family. He's always thought that wouldn't happen, and he has never even thought about it to know how he feels about it. Now, however, it's a real possibility he needs to keep present.

And, of course, hearing Ryan talk about their mini Ross-Urie doesn't help Brendon's mind to run wild imagining a future where their house doesn't seem too big anymore.

"I love you too," he says, resting his head on Ryan's shoulder and sighing. "And if those mini Ross-Urie love me as much as the other Ross in our home, I'd be satisfied," he adds, laughing a little. Ryan smiles and kisses him soft on the lips, opening his mouth slowly and pushing his tongue inside carefully to meet his. Brendon laughs in the kiss but deepens in it too, touching Ryan's face. He bites a little, soft, and smiles again when they pull apart. "You know you can't make them, right? Like, those mini Ross-Urie, you can't get me pregnant. I mean, we can practice all you want, but I don't think we could make it work," he jokes, poking at Ryan's nose with his own before kissing him with a laugh. Ryan laughs too and makes a face.

"Hey, I didn't win the Stanley Cup giving up... Don't underestimate my capacity of perseverance," jokes too, laughing and kissing Brendon back. He laughs at that, raising an eyebrow.

"Oh, yeah? Well..." Brendon twists his lips. "I won't stop you. You try it, let's see if we can get a full hockey team of kids."

This time is Ryan the one who laughs out loud, leaning his head back, the sound vibrating in his throat. When he looks at Brendon again, he's still laughing, shaking his head.

"A full hockey team is a lot of kids," he says, wiggling his eyebrows. "We should start already so we can make it in time," he adds, biting the tip of Brendon's nose. "Or maybe tonight, because we need to get ready for the event soon, Z threatened me with unthinkable tortures if we're not ready when she comes up.

"Okay. I'll start a calendar to see which are my fertile days," Brendon laughs, sticking his tongue at Ryan before he gets up the couch and pulls at him too, kissing him again. Ryan laughs against his lips, short and big.

 

*

 

Some could say Brendon looks too much in the mirror, but the truth is he can’t help it because he’s never ever seen himself look so good. He didn’t know a suit could do that to a person, make him look so different, turning him into someone different, classy, sophisticated, suggestive, mysterious… Maybe some other could say pretending to be someone else, wearing expensive clothes and blinded by camera flashes, makes him forget about who he really is, about what he carries inside him. Brendon would say to those ones to fuck off and leave him alone. He needs to be superficial and vain today, he needs it. He does, or he won’t be able to survive this.

Ryan holds his hand when it’s their turn to pose in the photocall, leading him through the red carpet to the hall. Brendon can feel how Ryan doesn’t like these things because of the way he’s all stiff and a little bit blushed, but he still stops where he needs to for the press to take pictures. Ryan squeezes Brendon’s hand before letting it go and putting his arm around his waist, smiling a little. Brendon does the best he can to control his breath, looking briefly at Ryan before turning back to the cameras when he knows his confident mask is back on, but leaning on Ryan when he feels smaller than usual. The hold around his hip helps him stay firm while the shouts saying “here, here!” mix with the camera flashes and some other question they won’t answer.

"Overwhelming, right?" Ryan asks one of the times he turns to look at him, low enough for anyone else to hear him under the shouts of names and questions and camera flashes. "Just a minute and we leave."

"It's fine," Brendon answers and moves his head a little, smiling big to back his own words. "I'm fine." And it's true. He's fine. He's with Ryan and that's enough.

The place is full of coaches and hockey players plus some other important people related to sport. Almost everyone goes along with their significant other and the girls wear tight dresses and high heels. The place could be mistaken for a fashion event if the NHL logo wasn't everywhere.

Even when they're out of the photocall, Brendon can feel the eyes on them, not only the press but also players, coaches, anyone. Ryan greets some people Brendon recognizes and some he doesn't, and they still take their time to leave the hall. Bob is there too, but he doesn't stop to talk, he just says hi and leaves to look for somebody.

When Spencer and Linda arrive, Brendon takes the opportunity to introduce himself to the girl properly. It's true he had met her before, but he never talked to her, mostly because of his relationship with Spencer. Now that she's right there, Brendon is glad to say Linda seems nothing like her fiancé.

Spencer's greet is cold but polite. Brendon mostly talks to Linda the whole time before the event start and they get to their seats because Ryan and Spencer start discussing things Brendon doesn't care about. The lights fade when everything starts, and a background voice announces Will Arnett as the host. The nominees are welcome to the stage, including Spencer and Ryan.

There are a lot of awards, and they present the nominees before they announce the winner. There are a lot of hockey related jokes Brendon doesn't get and shout outs in the acceptance speeches. He tries to pay attention to the first ones, then his mind flies away. It's not on purpose, he even puts on his glasses so he can see better, but he always had problems with attention. He doesn't talk to Ryan, of course, because he knows Ryan must be enjoying this, or to Linda because that would be disrespectful to everyone else. So he just uses his old friend, miss imagination, and starts thinking about stupid things like how some clothes patterns mismatch or how one of the winners has weird ears. However, what he thinks about the most is Ryan.

It's true he's been joking around about how good he looks in his suit, asking Z to take pictures of him and looking in the mirror, but that doesn't mean he hasn't paid attention to Ryan. He just hasn't found the words to describe him.

Ryan's suit is nothing like his, he's wearing gray and black, classy and elegant, tailored. It fits everywhere, making him look slender, like a catwalk model, the colors highlighting his jaw, his lines. Brendon needs to swallow a little after God knows how much time observing Ryan, his clothes, his hands, his nose, his lips, his chin. Brendon goes back to the event when Ryan gets tense and shifts in his seat. It's time to give the James Morris Memorial award, the one dedicated to the best defenseman of the season, the one Ryan is nominated for. His face shows up on the big screen when the hosts say his name, and it stays there along the other three nominees while they open the envelope with the winner's name.

Brendon laughs a little when he feels the twist in his stomach, the suspense in the air making him nervous. He wants Ryan to win, of course, and he wants to hold his hands while they wait for the name, and he wants to kiss him if he wins. Brendon wants a lot of things, but he just shifts in his seat and waits.

His whole body jumps when the first "R" gets out of the host lips, his eyes getting huge as well as his smile, looking at Ryan and whispering his name.

The first thing Ryan does is covering his face with his hand while he laughs and smiles so big it gets his whole face lighten up. When he moves his hand, he turns around to look at Brendon, leaning in to hug him as hard as he can while he's still sitting. Brendon smiles even bigger, whispering "it's yours" before he hugs him closer and then leans back. Ryan laughs again, and he sounds nervous and incredulous, moving away from Brendon to get up and go for his award.

However, before he gets up and lets Brendon go, Ryan leans in again and kisses his lips. It's a chaste kiss and it lasts barely a second, but it makes Brendon shake from head to toe, his blood running up to his cheeks, his throat drying, and his body becoming jelly. Ryan is still smiling when he gets up his seat, and he walks to get out of the row of seats, hugging Spencer and shaking hands with a few hockey players before he starts walking towards the stage.

When he finally gets on the stage, he doesn't look as nervous as Brendon knows he is, receiving the huge golden cup and thanking the hosts. It's not until he leaves the award on the stand and places himself behind the microphone when Brendon realizes Ryan is going to speak.

"Um," he starts, and his voice echoes in the room. Ryan takes a breath and lets out a short laugh, looking at the award and then at front. "It's an honor for me to receive this award after a season full of struggle and hard work. There are a lot of people I should thank, but first of all, I want to thank the Professional Hockey Writers' Association for making me the winner," he says, and those lines sound like a learned speech. "It's important for me to thank my team too because without them I wouldn't have been able to do my job and this is theirs as much as it's mine. And my coach, and the whole technical team that works hard with us every day. And," Ryan clears his throat when his voice shakes a little, looking at the front again, "last, and especially, to the person who made possible my rehabilitation to play the playoffs, because thanks to him I've made a dream I had since I was eight come true. You've been by my side, guiding me and teaching me so much I know I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you. This award is yours. Thank you," Ryan finishes, smiling while the audience applause and taking his award from the stand to get out of the stage. Brendon doesn't realize he's shaking until he snaps out of the shock Ryan's last words have gotten him into, blinking and touching his own cheek to wipe away the wet feeling on the skin.

He looks at Ryan like it was a mirage when he's back, whispering "you're crazy" when he's close enough, but laughing because he can't help it, he can't help but feel like everything is surreal. He hears Linda congratulating Ryan again, and there are murmurs around them, but Brendon can't take his eyes off Ryan. Ryan looks back at him when he seats, a huge smile on his face, and his hand is shaking when he holds Brendon's, tangling their fingers together.

"Hey," Brendon calls him, smiling, squeezing his hand. "I know I'm not allowed to thank what you just did the way I'd like it, but I swear I will the moment the cameras are out," he says, pressing his lips together and sighing. "I love you."

"Me too," Ryan whispers, taking Brendon's hand to his lips to kiss it, laughing a little. "I was going to say it up there too, but I think Z has enough reasons to kill me already."

"I have enough reasons to kiss you right now already, so thank God you didn't say it up there too," Brendon says with half a smile.

The rest of the even goes faster than before. Spencer wins the Mark Messier award to the best leader in and out of the rink, and Brendon congratulates Linda and jokes about Spencer being a leader out of the rink. The event ends in a flash of players and speeches and applauses, and everybody leaves to go to the afterparty.

Brendon sees Z again, who looks at him weird but doesn't say anything. He's euphoric enough to not care at all, and he's found in Linda an unexpected ally, so they talk while Spencer and Ryan are attending the press again. He and Linda have a lot in common because, for starters, she doesn't belong to this world either. She's an interior designer, and she met Spencer working for him when he bought his new house after a bad break-up. She makes Brendon comfortable enough to tell her about his relationship with Ryan, how it didn't start well but they ended up falling for each other before they could see it.

Linda just talks about Ryan after Brendon insists and brings her a drink to loosen her tongue. He laughs when he hears her talk about Ryan's "fame", how he was a fuckboy. Brendon learns Linda is a feminist and doesn't think Ryan is on her team. Brendon can't say anything about it.

"At least now I got him off the market, now he can't keep breaking hearts," Brendon jokes.

"You bring up a side of him I had never seen," she says, and Brendon can't help but smile like stupid.

The guys come back a little after, and Ryan looks more relaxed now, still smiling even when he tells Brendon Z talked to him and she's not happy about his speech. He doesn't seem too affected, though, and he puts his arms around Brendon's waist when Linda starts talking again, listening to them while Spencer goes looking for a waiter.

"Hey," Brendon turns to him after apologizing to Linda for a second, putting his arms around Ryan's neck. "I think there are no cameras anymore, right?" He says, and he doesn't let Ryan answer before tightening his hold and smiling before he kisses Ryan properly. Ryan laughs a little in the kiss, but he holds Brendon's waist and kisses back with a sigh, his cheeks getting red.

Brendon pulls back when he notices Ryan's chaste reaction, looking at him and clearing his throat before he lets Ryan go. He blushes too when he sees Ryan's cheeks all red, remembering there might be no cameras, but they're still in a public place and, even worse, a place full of important people related to Ryan's job. Kissing Ryan wasn't probably the most professional thing Brendon could make him do.

Ryan laughs, anyway, when Linda looks at them smiling and making a light comment about how passional you get when you're starting a new relationship, saying something about the first time Spencer had dinner with her parents. Brendon relaxes a little and tries to enjoy the rest of the night, not thinking about what he supposes to do or not.

When Ryan takes a chance to pull him apart from the crowd, Brendon lets himself be guided, trying not to think Ryan does it because he doesn't want everybody to see them, because what they do is not correct. He takes Brendon to the other side of the room, to a huge balcony with glass windows and the river view. Brendon can't even hear the voices from there. 

The place is lightened up with candles, and there are some tables and couches along the place. There are some people there too, just a few, but Ryan takes Brendon to the farthest place where they can go unnoticed. He doesn't seat, he just leans on the rail and looks at Brendon, pulling at him to get him closer.

"I wanted to be alone with you," he whispers, touching Brendon's suit and pulling at him by the suit's lapel to kiss him short. "I want to stay here the whole night, no people to greet or conversation to interrupt us."

Brendon smiles and sighs before Ryan kisses him slowly, almost carefully at first, before he deepens in. He opens his lips to get Brendon's bottom one between them, pulling and pushing his tongue to touch, to taste, moving his mouth as well as his hands that travel under Brendon's jacket and over his shirt, making him shiver. Brendon needs to hold himself on Ryan, putting his arms around his neck again because he feels like falling.

He sighs again, letting the air flow out of his body but not breaking the kiss, touching a bit with his tongue but letting himself be kissed. He gets closer to Ryan to let him touch him more, needing his hands like the only thing that can bring him peace right now, feeling like a piece of clay in Ryan's hands. Ryan just leans back after a while, when his lips are sore and red, using his hand to push Brendon's hair out of his forehead, looking at him like he can't believe what he's seeing.

"You know everything I said up there, everything, I feel it for real," he whispers, smiling a little and looking down before he looks at Brendon. "I never thought I could find someone so important to me," he says. "And this might sound cheesy, so you can laugh at me," he laughs, looking at Brendon, "but you have no idea how happy I am I met you."

Brendon laughs and looks down, feeling his chest tightening, a lump in his throat. And he hates this right now, he hates how his mind betrays him sometimes and makes him think weird things, not letting him enjoy what he's really got. And what he's really got is Ryan. He's got Ryan. He does.

"Hug me," he asks, hugging Ryan himself before Ryan can do it, his stiff suit not letting him do it as close as he'd like to. He hides his face in Ryan's neck and breathes, breathes Ryan, recognizing his smell as home like no one before, fisting Ryan's suit, feeling Ryan's arms strong and firm around him. "You're part of me. You're... home, you're my soul, you're... You're everything I need to stand on my feet every morning. And I just want you to know that whatever happen... That won't change. That can't change. Because no one can touch that."

He feels Ryan nod against him, hugging him as close as he can before he leans back just a little, just to look at him full of so many feelings they seem to explode behind his eyes, and his face is so real, so honest, Brendon doesn't think he's seen something like this before in his life.

"I love you," he says, with his voice and with his eyes and with his whole body, kissing Brendon again and laughing like he can't help it. "A lot."

"Yeah, well..." Brendon smiles, lowering his head and swaying to touch Ryan's nose with his. "You're the love of my life, so..." He laughs a little, looking away. "I win. That and being cheesy. Winning being cheesy is my goal. Hey, goal! Sports joke. It's been long since I made one of those."

Ryan laughs again, louder this time, and holds Brendon's cheeks whispering "come here" before he kisses him again, shorter, harder, because he can't stop laughing.

They stay there probably longer than they should, and they go back to the party when Ryan is sure everybody will be asking about where he is. Ryan talks to Bob and some other people Brendon doesn't know, but they mostly spend the night with Spencer and Linda, and sometimes with Z too, because she stayed.

Brendon stops thinking about weird things when he sees Ryan doesn't take his hands off him. They are chaste touches, but they are there, Ryan is there, and everybody can see they are what they are. They don't stay the whole night, though, because chaste touches or not, Brendon is only human, and stopping thinking weird things makes him start thinking about how they're not using their awesome suite.

Maybe Brendon is a little bit obvious leaning in to whisper "let's get out of here" in Ryan's ear, touching it with his lips in the process, but Ryan doesn't complain and, before Brendon can notice, Ryan grabs his hands and says goodbye to Spencer, leading them both their way to the elevator.

 

*

 

Their flight to Chicago doesn't leave until noon the day after, so they have the morning off to do what they please. They don't wake up too late because Ryan wants to visit his father now that they're in Vegas and he doesn't know when he will come back again. He just says he won't take too long, maybe a couple hours, and Brendon doesn't say a thing about going with him, just that he will be there waiting when he comes back.

It takes just an hour, in fact, to have Ryan back in their room, throwing the hotel key on the bed and taking his shirt off, saying something about Vegas weather, going to his suitcase to take a new one and putting it on.

"How did it go?" Brendon asks, getting closer to him. Ryan sighs and shrugs, looking at him with his brow furrowed.

"Well. Good, I guess," he says. "I don't know, I guess I expected a little bit more effusiveness, given that I just won the Stanley Cup and an award. Since hockey is the only thing we have in common apart from our DNA..." he laughs, playing it down with a move of his hand. He sounds sincere when he speaks again. "Anyway, I should be used to it. And he changed subjects when I mentioned you, so I guess he didn't like that either. Not that I expected the opposite," he adds, shrugging again. "He told me he had a dinner tonight, with some other vets. And he asked about the next season. Just that."

"I see..." Brendon says, moving to put his arms around Ryan's hips, kissing the back of his neck and resting his chin on Ryan's shoulder. He guesses neither of them had too much luck with their family here in Vegas. Brendon wants to go back to Chicago, to be with the ones he really feels like his family. "Are you okay?" he asks. Ryan smiles and puts his hands on Brendon's arms.

"Yes," he says, turning around to look at him. "It's always a little bit exhausting trying to be what he wants me to be and never getting there, but I think this is the last time I try. Don't worry, I'll go back to being myself in a few hours," he laughs soft. Brendon shakes his head no, kissing his shoulder.

"You can be whoever you need to be right now, as long as you need," he says, putting his arms around Ryan's neck. "I'm here for you."

"I know," Ryan answers, smiling and leaning in to kiss him. He stays there, leaving short kisses on Brendon's lips until he leans back, looking at him. "I was thinking. Since we have time, I'd like to go to the cemetery."

Brendon guesses it shows on his face his initial confusion until he gets that, of course, Ryan's mom died in Vegas, so she must be buried here too. He looks at Ryan and nods, kissing him short before he lets him go.

"Do you want me to wait for you here too?" he asks, using an understanding tone. When it comes to those subjects, Brendon thinks Ryan's needs must be above everything else. Ryan smiles a little, shaking his head.

"No. No, I want you to come with me," he says, and he sounds honest, like he thought about it before. "I'd like you to come and, well... I was going to say 'meet my mom' but that sounds a bit stupid, right?" he says, looking down and letting out a little laugh.

"No," Brendon answers fast, touching Ryan with his nose to make him look up, smiling. "No, it doesn't sound stupid. And I'd love to go with you and meet her."

Ryan looks at him and smiles almost as big as Brendon, breathing in and nodding when he lets the air out. He just whispers a little 'ok' before he hugs Brendon again, close and tight.

Brendon feels himself get nervous while they go to the place. He's never been in a cemetery, he left home too young to suffer any family loss, and he never had a good relationship with his grandparents to go to Utah when they passed away. Now, however, the cemetery solemn aura surrounds him and leaves him a little paralyzed, not knowing how to act and just following Ryan. He bought flowers before they came here, not a big bouquet, just three of them: three orange lilies because Ryan said those were the ones his father used to bring and he likes to follow the tradition thinking maybe lilies meant something to them, or to her.

He holds Brendon's hand and smiles at him while they walk through the cemetery, and they slow down after a while, Ryan whispering "it's here" and sighing before he turns to face the gray stone with the name "Nascha Ross" along with the date of her birth and her death. Brendon remembers how young Ryan was when that happened, but never thought about how young Ryan's mom was. He's never seen a picture of her, but just seeing the way Ryan feels about her is enough for Brendon to start loving her immediately.

"Hey mom," Ryan says, squeezing Brendon's hand before he lets go and kneels, leaving the flowers over the grave. "I'm sorry it took me so long to come back," he adds, speaking to her like she was there. He looks at Brendon for a second, his cheeks a little bit red. Brendon smiles at him warmly and looks away to give Ryan some privacy. "But I didn't come alone this time... This is Brendon. And he's my partner," he says, laughing a little, making Brendon look back at him with so many emotions filling up his eyes, his heart beating faster. He sees Ryan swallowing down and breathing in, his eyes fixed on the stone. "You'd like him, you know? You'd love him a lot, I'm sure. He's very important to me because not only I love him more than anything, he made possible for me to play the hockey final. And we won, mom," Ryan says, laughing again and swallowing. Brendon can see Ryan's eyes shining, and his voice shakes when he speaks again. "We won. So those hockey lessons that cost too much were worth it."

Brendon needs to bite his lips hard and tight his jaw to swallow the lump that forms in his throat. Seeing Ryan like this, so vulnerable, so in need of the mother that means so much to him and he should have never lost, makes Brendon realize life is unfair to everybody, just it is in different ways. For the first time, he understands this thing they're doing, this journey they're walking together doesn't just mean Brendon will finally have a family, but also Ryan will finally recover the feeling of belonging to one.

Ryan stays in silence for a while, just looking at the grave, and he moves just to touch the name engraved on it, sniffing before he sighs. When he moves again he stands up but doesn't go anywhere. He just looks at his mother's name and holds Brendon's hand, squeezing.

"I like to think she's proud of me," he says with a little smile on his face, his eyes fixed on the name. Brendon squeezes Ryan's hand back before moving it to his lips, kissing it.

"She is," Brendon answers absolutely sure of it, like all of those years rejecting religion and heaven and mocking anything that said our deceased loved ones were watching over us suddenly were erased from his mind. Maybe he never had reasons to believe until now. "She's proud of you, I'm totally sure."

Ryan turns his head to look at him and smile, nodding before he looks back at the grave and gets closer to Brendon.

"See?" he says, but he's not talking to Brendon. He laughs. "This is one of the reasons I kept him," he explains, looking back at Brendon and talking to him this time. "You would get along really well. I'm sure."

Brendon nods because he's sure too. He doesn't need any proof, he just needs Ryan's word and to see the love he feels for her to know that woman would be, no matter what, one of his favorite people in the whole world. Maybe he'd even stole her a little, have her like Ryan has Ginger. He rubs one of his eyes with his free hand and sighs, looking at the flowers over the stone. It's weird feeling this much affection for someone he's never met.

Ryan leans in to kiss his cheek, squeezing his hand again and sighing.

“Thanks for coming with me,” he says, and he sounds honestly thankful. “I like coming here whenever I come to Vegas, it’s such a shame living so far away. It may seem stupid to some people, but… It’s important to me. And you are too, so, um. I’m glad I could come here. With you.”

“Always,” Brendon answers in a whisper, sure of his words. “Always, Ry. For anything you want, I’ll be there for you.”

Ryan nods and gets closer to rest his forehead on Brendon’s, sighing and smiling, muttering an ‘i love you’ that brushes Brendon’s lips with his breath.

“Do you mind if we stay for a while?” he whispers, not getting away from Brendon.

“For as long as you want,” Brendon nods, kissing him chaste because he feels that’s the way he should do it right now.

 


	6. Island position

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think Ragno already said this but, yeah, Christmas left us with no time to even breathe so I took more time translating this than I thought I would. Sorry for the waiting, it's already here and I hope you enjoy it a lot because our boys sure know how to go on vacation. I hope you like it! And happy new year!! <3 X.

5.1

Things are going better, they’re adjusting and day by day everything is becoming part of their daily life. They’ve lost that tension they had at first, but that doesn’t mean Ryan isn’t relieved when it comes the day they go on vacation. Maybe not relieved, but excited because they can finally go. He can’t wait to show Brendon the place where they’re hosted.

He hesitated a lot when he had to choose the hotel, mostly because he didn’t want to look like a presumptuous asshole. Sometimes he looked at his house, his car, his lifestyle and then he looked at Brendon, and he felt bad about using his money for unnecessary things. Somehow, Brendon helps him keep his feet on the ground and don’t lose himself, to keep being humble and not to waste money. So, when he saw the luxury resort, he thought a lot about staying there or looking for something more humble, something modest and charming because the most important thing was to be together, and he didn’t want Brendon to think he was showing off.  However, when Ryan saw the resort’s pictures, he couldn’t resist.

Ryan can see Brendon’s impatience on his face when, after hours and hours flying, the people waiting for them at the airport take them to another plane, this one smaller and, luckily, with a shorter route. Ryan was prepared for the whole journey because he knew how much it was going to take, but Brendon had no idea, so Ryan is not surprised he's tired of traveling. Almost an hour and a half on a boat later, they arrive at their destination.

The hotel is placed on an island, meaning that it _occupies_ a whole island. Ryan already thought it was amazing, but seeing it right there is a whole other thing. He looks at Brendon to see his reaction, and he feels satisfied when he can see him more than impressed by the place.

When they reach the reception and the person working there explains everything, Ryan thinks they could stay there forever. Spa, doctor 24/7, gym, shopping area, more than five restaurants with meals from around the world and even a library with DVD’s renting service and music CD’s, among other things.

The boy gives them the suite key and wishes them a nice stay after signaling on the map where they have to go because the whole resort needs a map. It's not a building with a million floors or something like that. The island is filled with wood roads connecting everything that belongs to the resort, and they go out of the island into the ocean like docks. Each one of them full of wood cabins. Their suite is almost at the end of one of those wood roads, the cabin foundations literally under the water.

“How much time did you say we’re gonna stay here?” Brendon asks almost without looking at him. Ryan laughs, tightening his grip on his hand as they walk, feeling even more excited seeing Brendon.

“Eight days, we said,” he says, looking at him with a smile. “But it’s negotiable if you like it.”

“Can we stay here forever?” Brendon laughs. “Ryan, this is… Wow.”

“Do you like it?” he asks, biting his lip. “I didn’t want to seem presumptuous but… Look at the sea.”

“You didn’t want to seem presumptuous?” Brendon asks, bursting out laughing then. “Okay. Yeah. You made it. So humble…” he jokes with a smile on his face as he walks faster towards the suite.

“I _didn’t_ want,” Ryan says, laughing and giving Brendon the key. “But I gave in.”

The suite's living room is huge, with a big TV, and decorated with good taste and a native touch. Brendon runs to the room, grabbing Ryan's hand and pulling on him so he follows, gasping surprised when he sees one of the walls totally open to the sea. It's not a window, it's a room with three walls and a huge sliding door right in front of the bed, perfect to slide off the bed and walk a few steps before getting into the water. The bathroom has doors facing the sea, too, the bath right there with amazing views.

Outside, a wood terrace occupies the whole room extension, looking directly to the sea with wood stairs go get into the water. They have a private little pool, too, and a couch right on the edge of the terrace, two deck chairs, and a dining table.

Brendon doesn’t take long before pulling his clothes off and jumping into the water head first, laughing and swimming. Ryan watches him from the terrace, smiling and enjoying seeing him having fun. He’s glad he can give this to Brendon and they can have a break and just get away from everything.

He can’t say no when Brendon asks him to join him, and he quickly pulls off his clothes and gets into the water with his underwear on. It’s cold because they’re in the middle of the ocean, but Ryan keeps walking down the stairs anyway until he’s covered to the neck, swimming towards Brendon and grabbing him to kiss him.

"I love this," Brendon whispers, drawing away to look at his eyes before kissing him again, harder. Ryan kisses back for a while, pulling away to breathe and staying barely inches away from Brendon's mouth.

“You mean kissing me, the water, the place…?” he asks, smiling a little.

“I mean everything. You,” Brendon answers smiling back, looking down at his lips. “Eight days, Ryan. Do you know what can I do to you in eight days?”

"As long as you don't quarter me and throw the pieces into the sea tied to rocks so no one ever finds me," Ryan answers, laughing and looking at him. "You can show me. Eight days…" he keeps talking and his tone turns more serious. "Eight days without cameras, without press, with no pressure and no one telling us what to do. Just you and me.”

Brendon nods, smiling soft and fondly.

“Eight days being alone…” Brendon repeats, looking at Ryan. “Although ‘without cameras’ is not exactly true.”

Ryan laughs and shakes his head, kissing him short. He knows Brendon brought the camera with him, but he didn’t know he was going to use it for something more than take photos of the place.

"What do you have in mind?" he asks, hugging him closer. Brendon's smile opens wide as he shrugs with an innocent face.

"Nothing... We are on vacation, right? People make videos on vacation..." he smiles again, licking his lips as he moves his hips just a little. Ryan bursts out laughing and looks at him, lifting his eyebrow.

"You want to film everything we do these days? All of it?" Ryan asks with a knowing smile. Brendon looks down when he smiles, touching the corner of his mouth with the tip of his tongue and shrugging again.

"Why not? We would have an interesting memory..." he answers, looking up to Ryan again.

"Interesting, yeah..." Ryan smiles crooked, getting closer to his mouth. "Did you know I always wanted to do one but never dared to? You know, not trusting someone you don't know and all that."

"Oh, you never dared to do a video?" Brendon asks, looking straight at him. "It's easy. With the phone, you go to the camera and usually you can change it to video there. You press rec and that's all," he explains, mocking him. "Or maybe you were talking about some kind of video in particular?"

Ryan just murmurs an 'asshole' under his breath before moving and sinking them both under the water, not letting go of Brendon and emerging a few seconds later. Brendon laughs with his lips in a thin line, pulling his hair off his eyes before spilling water on Ryan's face, laughing right after. Ryan has his hair on his face, but a satisfied smile because that was a good revenge.

"I should have got the phone in and film your naked ass while you were swimming," he says.

"In? Where?? Ryan..." Brendon shakes his head, unable to control his laugh but trying. "Baby, you know I'm always willing to experiment, but there're limits... and iPhones are too square for my anatomy. If it were one of those phones which open and close, do you remember those? More phallic..."

"Are you trying to get drown? Is that what you want?" Ryan asks, lifting an eyebrow but laughing because, really, only Brendon can come up with something like that. "And don't you dare to make a joke about drowning with a part of my anatomy or I'll be the one killing you."

 "Not at all, Ryan, please..." he answers, pretending to be shocked, but letting go of his body slowly.”I was going to tell you to drown me in spunk," he whispers the last part, bursting out laughing as he starts to swim away from him. Ryan makes a face but he can't help laughing too, shaking his head and watching him go, this time staying there.

"You're the worst," he says, but his voice is soft and he keeps smiling because it's ridiculous how Brendon can say whatever he wants and still make him feel like that. He sees him stop, looking at him from the distance.

"Hey. I'd let you film it," he says, smiling. "Don't play innocent, I know you'd like it more than I."

"I've never played innocent," Ryan answers, raising his palms up and smiling crookedly because, yeah, maybe he'd like that more than he's going to admit. "I'm gonna get out, you coming or staying for a while?"

"Coming," Brendon answers.

Brendon didn't seem to be joking when he said he didn't need luggage because he dries himself a bit with a towel and stays naked while Ryan wraps a towel around his waist and goes to get the pamphlets they got at reception, sitting on the couch outside and telling Brendon to join him there.

They stay the rest of the evening deciding what they're going to do the next days because the hotel has a lot of activities they can do. There's just one excursion Ryan already reserved as a surprise for Brendon, so he makes sure to have at least one day just for it.

In the end, they agree on doing snorkel because Brendon wants to see fish, and going to see dolphins because Ryan can't go without seeing dolphins. He loves them, he can't explain why, but he's excited about seeing them. They're going to do both things the same day.

"Any secret love for dolphins you didn't tell me?" Brendon asks, making a face before adding. "I know how to imitate a dolphin."

"It's just they're so cute," Ryan smiles, pulling the pamphlet away so he can look at him. "They always seem to be smiling and they're funny. And so clever and innocent. Now that I think about it, they are a lot like you, except for the innocent thing..." he laughs. Brendon lifts an eyebrow, laughing a little too.

"You know dolphins are sexual perverts, right? They jack off against ships and sometimes try to fuck divers," he says, making a thoughtful face. "You like the Brendons of the sea, Ryan."

"I told you!" Ryan says between laughs. "See how they are like you? It's obvious why I like them," he adds, the smile remaining on his face when he stops laughing. "Come on, we have to choose more things, Bren. Eight days. We have to take advantage of them. One it's occupied, we'll go see your sea cousins and do snorkel, and we have to put this suite to good use, so we'll have to keep a couple of days just for us, or more. What do you say?"

"If you think I'm going to put this suite to good use just for a couple of days you're so wrong. Excursions or not, Ryan, we're on vacation. I'm going to use every inch of this room," he explains. "That or I'll fuck a dolphin."

Ryan looks at him for a moment, blinking as if he just saw something shocking. And then his face starts to change and he tries to hold his laugh, failing and bursting out laughing.

"Oh, god, that's a disturbing image," he says while laughing, and Brendon laughs too but shakes his head.

"I'm totally serious, Ryan. It's not a joke," he repeats, trying not to laugh. "They do orgies, you know? And their penises bend," he explains, bending his finger a few times and pushing it against Ryan's face until he's laughing so hard he hast to put his hand over Brendon's mouth and make him shut up.

When he's able to stop laughing and keep with the conversation, they agree on playing it by ear and don't make any more plans, for now, deciding just where they're going to have dinner.

*

"After that weird first encounter," Ryan says with the dish empty in front of him. They decided to have dinner in one of the restaurants at the beach. Brendon's barefoot and is having fun with the sand. "Who would have told we would spend summer together in The Maldives?"

"I," Brendon answers, but he laughs right after, shaking his head. "No. Actually, I think this is one of those things that only happen to a few and everyone dreams about it but no one really expects it to happen. You know, winning the lottery, you plane crashing, a shark biting your leg off while you surf... Well. I don't think anyone dreams about those, but you know what I mean. Things like becoming a Hollywood famous actor or inventing something that changes the world."

"You dreamed about going on vacation to a paradisiacal island with the jerk hockey player who caught you singing Frozen?" Ryan asks with a smile, drinking and leaving the glass on the table again. Brendon smiles too, looking away before answering.

"I dreamed about finding the love of my life and spend the rest of my days with him," he answers, looking at Ryan with a knowing smile. "I think I can say I'm lucky because I got it."

Ryan looks at him without blinking, and he could blame the wine for his blush if it wasn't because he's been drinking for a while now and his cheeks got red in this exact moment. Also, a small and shy smile stretches on his face, his stomach bubbling as if Brendon's words made it shiver.

"Um," Ryan begins, laughing then and looking down. "You can't say something like that out of a sudden and expect me to know what to say," he defends himself, laughing again and looking at Brendon.

"I was expecting exactly that," Brendon smiles satisfied, bringing his glass to his mouth to drink and pointing at Ryan's face. "That and how good you look all red with this light. I should have brought my camera."

"Shut up," Ryan says, still smiling and feeling ridiculous because he should be used to this already.

Brendon does, just to go back to his dinner and finish it. He does it fast and doesn't take long before asking Ryan if he wants dessert. He does. The cheesecake is calling him and he has to take advantage of his permission to skip his diet. When the cake comes and Ryan tries it he literally moans, closing his eyes and everything and telling Brendon how good it is. Brendon laughs as he looks at him, nodding and saying he can see it.

"You don't want to try it before I finish?" Ryan asks when there's just a bit left. Brendon shakes his head no, laughing.

"It'd be a crime to take that last piece away from you," he says, pushing the dish towards Ryan. "All yours."

"I'd do it for you," Ryan answers, but he finishes the cake, looking back at him with a smile. "I'm sure you would have made it up to me."

"Well..." Brendon shrugs, watching him and licking his lips. "Now you're the one who has to make it up to me."

Ryan's smile opens slowly on his face, dangerous and full of intentions as he swallows, licking his bottom lip without taking his eyes off Brendon in an exaggerated movement just to provoke him. He can feel his skin stretching and the want in his lower stomach, all his blood running fast inside his veins.

"Deal," he says when he finishes his little show.

Brendon looks at him for a few seconds before standing up, moving towards him and offering his hand to help him stand. He doesn't wait for Ryan, just pulls until their bodies are touching and raises a hand to touch Ryan's cheek, kissing him fiercely. Ryan feels himself tremble everywhere, forgetting all about the people around them, even if they're just a few, the kiss making him burn from the inside.

"Well, the cake did taste good," Brendon says when the kiss breaks, licking his lips and looking at Ryan laughing softly.

"Right?" he asks, raising his hand to push Brendon's hair off his face and leaning in to talk right in his ear. "You don't seem to taste bad, either... Let me taste you," he whispers, and his breath touches the skin as Ryan's mouth waters just thinking about it.

"Oh, don't worry about that, baby," Brendon whispers, touching his cheek softly with his thumb and then his lips. "When I'm done with you, you're not going to remember how that cake tasted"

The way back to the hotel suite passes by in a fast blur. Ryan can see Brendon's need as he guides him through the place and he doesn't stop. He pushes him into the nearest wall right after entering into the suite, digging in his fingers on Ryan's hips and biting the back of his neck when he buries his nose in his hair and growls 'on your knees' before pushing Ryan down himself. Ryan turns around to obey without a thought because he's been wanting to do this since he finished dinner, looking up at him with a crooked smile as he licks his lips to get ready, starting to unbutton his own shirt at the same time.

However, Brendon pushes his hands away and grabs his hair, making him raise his chin to look at his eyes, holding him hard as he opens his pants forcefully and pulls them down just enough. Ryan feels like burning from the inside, the way Brendon handles him and forces him making him grow inside his pants and melt.

"I think you already know what you have to do," Brendon says, his voice rougher than normal because the air comes out his lungs ragged. He doesn't let go of his hair and uses the hold to guide him all along his hard cock. "No hands, Not yet"

"Taste you," Ryan nods, telling him what he is going to do and licking him up and down his length, moaning. "Savor you. Eat you," he lists, breathy, looking at him eagerly before circling the head of Brendon's dick with his tongue, just licking as if it was an ice cream.

When Brendon treats him like that makes him know a part of himself he didn't know before, makes him want to do it the best he can, please him until he hears him say how good he is. He makes him shiver and moan and turn almost a puppet on his hands, eager for him to make him go harder, faster.

Brendon tightens his hold sometimes, sliding his nails over Ryan's skull, starting to gasp. Ryan moves as he feels he doesn't have enough, as if the few seconds he draws back were a waste of time, coming back more eager. His whole body asks for more and he just wants to feel him, smell him, for him to be the only thing he can taste.

Ryan looks up at him all the time, moaning, opening his mouth and hollowing his cheeks and licking, sucking, sliding his teeth softly over his length. He does exactly what he said, taste him and eat him as if he was the best thing he has ever tasted, burying his nose and smelling him, breathing against the skin, kissing his cock from the base to the head just to open his mouth and start all over again, swallowing him down.

Brendon bites his lip the first time he thrusts with his hips, harder than he intended to, hitting Ryan's throat and making him shiver. He pulls back fast, sliding out Ryan's mouth but still grabbing his hair, pulling on it to guide him to the nearest couch and letting him between his legs when Brendon sits.

"My turn," he says, or warns, looking at Ryan panting, pulling him in until he has him right where he wants, touching his lips with the tip of his cock before tightening his grip and thrusting inside his mouth.

Brendon fucks his mouth as he wants, holding Ryan in place, pushing with his hips and pulling him in by the hair, touching his lips sometimes and making Ryan look at him, not wanting him to look away as he does whatever he wants with his mouth. Ryan just moans and growls, letting him do with him as he pleases and raising his hands to Brendon's thighs, digging in his fingers and touching him up and down. His cock can't be any harder and he feels it wetting his underwear, Brendon movements turning him on even more.

Brendon pulls on his hair a few minutes later, guiding him to his mouth and kissing him hard, licking and biting as he uses both hands to grab Ryan's hips and sit him on his lap. Ryan groans in the kiss and smiles crooked, then, licking his own lips and the spit sliding down his chin.

He jokes asking Brendon to guess what does he tastes now, kissing him again as he pulls on his shirt to opening it, not caring about the buttons breaking and touching his chest. Ryan gasps and breathes hard, touching him everywhere, eager. Brendon laughs, looking him up and down. He unbuttons his pants, sliding his hands inside to grab his ass hard and pull him closer.

"You did so well, Ry. I think I owe you a reward. So you choose, couch or bed?"

"Couch," Ryan smiles, his eyes dark and liquid, moving against him before kissing him brutally, sliding his fingers through his hair. He licks him and kisses him and bites him, pulling on his bottom lip, opening his mouth more as he moves his hips unable to control them.

Soon, Ryan is lying naked on top of him on the couch, the damp atmosphere making their bodies stick to each other, their skins sliding because of the sweat and the room filling up with the smell of sex. He's hard against Brendon's stomach and he hears him growl, his dick jumping where it is trapped under Ryan. Brendon gets a hand between their bodies and grabs Ryan's hard on to feel it pulse against his palm, groaning when it does.

Ryan answers right away, holding on the back of the couch and leaning back a little to start pushing into his fist with his hips. He moans and bites his lips hard, smiling crookedly as his eyelids flutter and his eyes close.

He feels Brendon grabbing his left wrist and bringing his fingers to his mouth, licking them eagerly, getting his tongue between them before sliding them out. Ryan thinks he's gonna lose his breath capacity if things keep going like this.

"Inside," Brendon growls, and he doesn't need to explain himself because he himself brings Ryan's fingers between his cheeks, touching with his own fingers before pushing Ryan's inside.

Ryan moans, changing his rhythm so he moves against Brendon's fist and his own fingers, gasping as two sweat drops slide down his chest to his belly button.

"Do you like it?" he asks, breathy, looking at Brendon with his mouth half open and dark eyes. "Having me like this, handling me as if I was yours. Knowing I am"

"You are," Brendon repeats, searching for his mouth and pushing with his hips. "I like knowing you're mine," he nods, bringing his own hand to Ryan's to feel him against Ryan's body, getting inside him. He groans rough and licks the sweat sliding down Ryan's chest, biting his neck, talking against his ear. "But I like you knowing it more. You're mine, Ryan"

"Yours," Ryan nods, smiling big and knowingly, the words making him moan as he trembles because he found the right point. "To do with me whatever you want," he adds, sounding obscene, still smiling while he bites his bottom lip.

"Whatever the fuck I want," Brendon growls, pulling on his hand to pull out his fingers and grabbing Ryan's hair hard enough to make him lean in so he can bite his mouth. He licks him and uses his free hand to guide himself under him. Ryan is grateful because his whole body begs him to feel him inside, opening him and filling him up.

Brendon pushes in with his hips at the same time he pulls Ryan down, thrusting inside all he can, still kissing him desperately and eagerly when he moans. He doesn't stop, doesn't wait for him to adapt, he grabs him to make him stay still and jus thrusts inside him as hard as he can from his position. He uses one of his hands to grab Ryan's face and making him look at him at the eyes and Ryan thinks if there's a paradise, it must be this.

"Yeah, yeah, just like that," he gasps, moaning, trying to move on his own to keep his rhythm. He just makes Brendon tighten his grip, digging in his fingers on his hips and holding him still as he bites his mouth hard.

"No. Not like that," he mocks, smiling when he uses his hands to move him on top of him, stating a pace. "Like this"

Ryan growl and bites him hard as he moves just like Brendon makes him. He does it just to provoke him, to see where the limit is because he wants him to use him and handle him and force him to stay still. He wants Brendon to use his strength with him.

"Let's play a game," Brendon says when he releases himself of Ryan's bite. He changes the angle knowing perfectly where to touch, starting to thrust right where it makes Ryan lose his mind. "Bite me again. Harder. Let's see who makes who come first"

Ryan moans loudly and long, his whole body shivering while he holds on the couch with both hands this time, opening his mouth to try and breathe. He stays like that for a few seconds, satisfied with Brendon's reaction but wanting more of it. He looks at him again and moves his hands down Brendon's chest, stopping when he touches his nipples.

"What if I don't want to?" he asks, challenging him with a smile on before moaning again. Brendon laughs hard, deep and rough.

"If you don't want to?" he asks, shaking his head and bringing his hands to Ryan's hips. "Well...," he says, softly, looking away and shrugging before gripping him hard and start thrusting into him like crazy, manhandling him as he pleases and getting deeper. He moves one of his hands to grab Ryan’s cock and start touching him fast. "You were gonna lose anyway," he says, biting his bottom lip and pulling on it.  He moves then, turning around and bringing Ryan with him to lay him on the couch with force.

And that's right what Ryan was looking for, that brutality, being forced to take whatever Brendon wants to give him. He holds him and thrusts inside him, leaving him breathless and kissing him once more, his neck and jawline, pulling on his hair. Ryan doesn't talk anymore because his brain stops working, even though he doesn't close his mouth.

A bunch of moans, gasps, and growls abandon his throat, louder each time, desperate, his eyes closed in a face of pure bliss. His whole body trembles and he holds on the couch and Brendon, his hand sliding because of the sweat. He feels in some kind of trance right now, his own nirvana.

"What would happen if I stopped now, huh?" Brendon asks suddenly, whispering and talking against his skin. "If I decided to get revenge because of your little game and pulled out of your body, leaving you there, hot, opened and needed, desperate for coming. What would happen, huh, Ry?"

Ryan goes back to earth for a moment, the question pulling him out of that bubble he was in, opening his eyes and looking at him with a frown. He doesn't really know if Brendon would do it, but just doubting it makes him turn defensive because Brendon can do anything he wants to him, but he has to do.

"That I'll finish alone," he answers, his voice rough of using it so much. "But you wouldn't touch me until we get home," he says, frowning more. "That if you could pulling out, because now that you said it I'm not gonna release you," he holds onto him tighter. "I'm serious. I'd be grateful if you didn't do it"

"You think threatening me is the best way to get something?" Brendon asks, thrusting once more before stopping. "Are you sure there are no better manners Ryan?" he asks again, thrusting harder but pulling back after that. Ryan arches but his arms react and pull him closer to prevent him to drawing totally back.

"Who threatened who first?" he laughs, gasping for air. He wants to keep playing, he wants to undo this moment and go back to the previous sensations, so he retracts from his actions knowing he's found the limit and he has to stop provoking him now. "You can't blame for being defensive, baby, but if you want me to say please... You just had to say it," he says, opening his eyes and looking at him, trying to get to him to kiss him softly. "Please, Bren. Please... I'm so close," he begs, his whole body trembling desperate to come.

"I should leave you to come alone," Brendon says, starting to get back to the rhythm but slower, doing everything he knows to drive Ryan crazy. "And then not touching you until we got home. Or maybe not even there. Maybe that would teach you discipline," he growls, speeding up his moves.

Ryan feels catapulted to minutes ago, his whole body reacting to his movements and words now he knows he's not gonna stop. The warmth grows in his groin like a fireball ready to explode, his skin stretching and his senses blurring.

He arches and his moans are rough as he brings his hands to Brendon's ass, grabbing him, tensing up everywhere right before jumping on Brendon's hand and come with a long groan, digging his fingers in the flesh as he empties himself on his hand and tightens him inside.

Brendon doesn't stop, keeps going and touching him until there's nothing left inside him. Just then he pulls out, grabbing himself and jacking off with his eyes closed. Brendon holds on the couch when he jerks, all his muscles tensing. He comes all over Ryan's belly, gasping as he keeps touching himself and Ryan sees and feels him sliding down his skin, hot, making him bite his mouth because that would be enough to make him hard again.

Brendon lets himself fall back when he's done, sitting on the couch and letting his head fall back with his eyes closed and his chest rising and falling. Ryan moves and brings his fingers to his belly to stain them with the rests of both orgasms, cleaning them with his tongue. Brendon looks at him when he hears him moan.

"Hey," Ryan says, blinking and smiling satisfied. "Where's my post orgasm kiss?" he asks, moving and getting closer to kiss him, long and slow, but deep. Brendon kisses back, grabbing his arm and sighing a little.

"I think I'm gonna take a shower," he says when he breaks the kiss, starting to move.

That confuses Ryan, pulling him out of the orgasm bliss because that's not like Brendon, leaving just like that after sex. They usually share a moment of cuddles and smiles, sometimes joking or just kissing some more. He never leaves so soon.

"Already?" he asks, frowning a little. "Don't you stay a while with me?"

"We can go to bed now. I don't wanna get in the clean sheets being all... dirty," he says, looking at him. "We'll lay together there, okay?"

Ryan knows something's wrong, but he can't understand what is it. He's more and more confused and he doesn't know what to do or say, so he just nods with a slow 'okay'.

Brendon smiles at him before moving and walks towards the bathroom, closing the door and letting Ryan know he's in the shower when he hears the water run. Ryan stays where he is, sitting and trying to think about what happened to make Brendon like that, what went wrong. He tries to remember if he said or did something wrong, but during sex, he usually loses all senses, overwhelmed with sensations, to the point of no remembering a lot of things when he's done.

"I'm gonna take a shower, too," he says when he sees Brendon coming out of the bathroom, looking at him for a few seconds and dropping a kiss on his shoulder when he walks by.

"I'll wait in the room," Brendon answers.

He doesn't know what to do, what he did wrong, and that makes him feel insecure and nervous. Relationships never were his strong point and he's not sure about next step. He feels a bitter sensation, guilty somehow as if whatever happened could affect them so much he couldn't fix it.

He doesn't take long before coming out, with a towel around his hips. He smiles when he sees Brendon on the bed and goes to the bags, putting on his boxers before getting in bed. He sighs when he does, moving closer to him and laying his hand on Brendon's chest, caressing him.

"Um," he starts, leaning his head on his other hand and keeping his eyes on Brendon's chest. "Did I say something I... shouldn't have?"

"No..." Brendon shakes his head, looking at him. "It's not... There are no things you should or shouldn't say, Ry. You're free to say whatever you want. It's not like I'm the best example of mincing words, I'm no one to tell you what you should or shouldn't say"

"Then, what's wrong?" Ryan asks, his voice soft and confused. Brendon looks at him and lifts an eyebrow.

"You mean me? If I'm okay?" he asks. Ryan shrugs at first, but then he nods. "I don't know... I'm not sure"

"Oh," Ryan says, feeling as if a huge rock would have settled in his stomach and closed his throat, nodding a little and looking at him. "Was it something during...? Um. You were good, before, and, I don't know. Maybe something happened?"

"Yeah, maybe," Brendon nods, making a face before looking at the ceiling. "That you said, I guess. About not letting me touch you. It made me feel... weird. Or something"

"Oh. I'm, I'm sorry, it wasn't" Ryan starts, swallowing and looking down. He can feel the guilt all over. "I don't even think I was serious, honestly," he laughs a little, clearing his throat. "I'm sorry"

"You said you were serious," Brendon answers, laughing and making a face. "I don't know, Ry. It's stupid, probably. They're things that we say and..." he shakes his head, sighing. "It's just that I... When we... When I touch you or, when we have sex, I don't... I don't do it just because I have fun, that's obvious, I have fun. But I... It's the, the affection, loving you as much as I do it's what makes me want to be... with you, close to you, inside you, all over you. Then, I guess, I don't know... I can't understand how could it be possible for you to just say 'you're not gonna touch me' just like that. As if it was that simple, as if being able to touch you was a currency of exchange or a reward or... I don't know, Ry, I know you don't... I know. I know, But..."

"Hey," Ryan says, looking at him frowning because he would have never thought Brendon could interpret his words like that, getting closer and touching his face. "You know," he repeats, nodding. "You know everything it means to you it means to me, too, but sometimes it's not bad to hear it again. So yeah, everything you said... it's like that. Sex with you is not just sex, it's, it's connecting with you on a different level, it's feeling you all I can, it's using my body to tell you how much I love you," he says, touching him softly. "I'm... I'm still getting used to some things about myself, some conducts I didn't know I could have during sex. I guess that was one of them. And," he adds, looking at him with a small smile. "Even though I said I was serious... All of those reasons would make me unable to do it"

Brendon nods, looking at Ryan for a second but looking away again, murmuring 'okay' before nodding. Ryan knows then that explanation didn't make it better, and the feeling of fucking up doesn't go away. It is true he's still discovering new things with Brendon, a lot more of what he would have thought, but he never thought he could make him feel like that with his words, and now he feels like there's nothing he can do to fix it.

"Don't say it ever again," Brendon says then, biting his lip before looking at Ryan, blinking. "Please"

"I promise," Ryan murmurs, kissing him on the nose and holding him close. He's learning to just show Brendon with actions those things he doesn't make him believe with words, so he just swallows his guilty and tighten his grip when Brendon rests on his chest, breathing before whispering. "Rest, okay? I love you, baby"

Brendon laughs a little, nodding but staying in place.

"I love you, too," he answers, holding him tighter.

 

 


	7. Island Position (II)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really, really, really sorry this took so long... Adult life is driving me crazy and I'm hating it a bit. But it's already here! I hope you enjoy and I'll try to translate next one faster. Thanks, like always! Xipy.

5.2

Ryan has been awake for a while, lying in bed with the sound of the sea and Brendon's sleeping breathing next to him. He was doubting between looking outside or Brendon's naked chest and he couldn't resist the second one. It's like he has some kind of magnetic force; as if he couldn't stop looking at him for hours, for years.

He knows it's weird, watching someone like this while they sleep, but there's something about the peace on Brendon's face, in the quietness and serenity he shows that has him hypnotized.  Ryan doesn't remember feeling like this just looking at someone never, so full, so complete, so lucky in ways he never thought possible. He's never been in love before, but he knows what he feels about Brendon can't be any other thing and, if it is, then it's so much more than that. He moves when he can't stay like that anymore, needing to touch him, feeling him close, trying to convince himself this is real and he has him right there with him.

He leaves the first kisses on Brendon's shoulder, feeling his soft, warm skin against his lips, caressing him with them and breathing him in. He moves then to his collarbone, slowly, leaving a soft kiss between the bones and starting to slide down.

He moves so he's on top of Brendon's half naked body but not letting his weight fall on him, just holding himself above him with both hands on the mattress. He moves down his lips, leaving a trail of soft kisses down his chest, just stopping on his nipples to kiss them longer, just with his lips, breathing against him.

Ryan feels Brendon's skin getting goosebumps beneath him and he keeps sliding down until he reaches the sheet covering him on the waist, going back up with his nose sliding up his skin to his shoulder to start again on his arm, just as slow and soft as before.

Brendon moves his hand before opening his eyes, reaching Ryan's head and tangling his fingers softly on his hair before moving it to his cheeks, touching him. He smiles a little when he looks at him, and Ryan feels his whole world shining a little more.

"Hey," Brendon calls him with a rough voice, caressing him again before drawing his hand away. "Good morning"

"Good morning," Ryan whispers. He smiles and kisses him right on his elbow. "You smell like tightens

"Hmm," Brendon nods, closing his eyes again. "I went swimming for a while last night. Couldn't sleep"

Ryan makes an understanding noise and tries not to think about the conversation they had last night and the possibility of being it the reason keeping Brendon awake. He leaves his weight over him a little, sitting on his thighs and kissing him again, on his neck, slowly and soft.

"Did you see any shark?" Ryan asks, smiling small and keeping with the kisses from his jawline to his ear and over again. Brendon shakes his head and smiles a little, soft.

"I think I felt some fish touching my back," he answers, touching carefully Ryan's back with his hand. "I almost fell asleep in the water. I was far away when I opened the eyes. Can you imagine if I would have got lost in the ocean?"

"I would have sent a search party looking for you," Ryan says, kissing him between words. "I even would have called the dolphins," he adds. Brendon smiles again, frowning.

 "You still trust in dolphins too much... If they would have found me they would have beaten me up and then they would have played with my corpse. And you don't have so much money so you could send a search party," he says, opening his eyes and looking at him.

"Well, I'll sell the house. I'll steal the Stanley Cup from the stadium and I'll sell it, too," Ryan states, kissing him on the tip of his nose this time before drawing back. "I'd buy a helicopter and look for you myself," he adds, making a face then because he doesn't like to think about Brendon being missing. "I don't like this conversation, can we talk about any other thing already?"

"We can," Brendon says, moving his hand up and down Ryan's back. "Tell me, what do you wanna talk about?"

"Well... About how beautiful you are in the mornings, for example," he murmurs with a smile. "Because your hair is like all messed but it suits you somehow, and your skin is more white and your lips look full"

"The problem with that is that it's going to be a short conversation," Brendon smiles, his cheeks blushing a little. "Because you'd be the only one doing the talking"

"Short?" he asks, smiling. "I don't think you know how much I can say about it," he laughs, touching with his thumb under Brendon's eye. "Like your eyes looks smaller because of sleep but your eyelids look longer in contrast. And your gesture is relaxed as if your muscles weren't working yet. Sometimes you have your ears red, probably because you slept on them twisted. And I can see your freckles better with this light, by the way," he says, touching some of them like buttons with his finger. "I woke up a while ago and there were a lot of white clouds in the sky, the ones that look like cotton and you want to squeeze hard. I wanted to look at them for a while, but them I looked at you and you made me change my mind. You seemed peaceful and deep asleep and I thought, fuck, I open my mouth like an idiot and my face looks deformed against the pillow... How does he look so beautiful?" he explains, looking at him still searching for an answer. "So I told myself, fuck the sky, you can't miss this. And I've been looking at you like a pervert before waking you up"

Brendon looks without blinking, his lips ajar. He blinks a few seconds later.

"How are you real?" he asks, still looking at him. Ryan laughs a little and looks down, leaning his forehead against his and talking with a smile on his face.

"That's exactly what I asked myself about you," he whispers, staring at him. "And then, when I didn't find the answer, I thought that what really matters it's that you are. You're real. You're here with me and now that I have you I'm never letting you go because you don't want to let me go and that's..." Ryan laughs a little, trying to find a word to explain how much does that means and giving up when he fails. "And I'm gonna look at you every day because you never know when you're going to fall asleep in the middle of the sea and you're gonna get murdered by a bunch of deprived dolphins," he jokes, smiling and touching Brendon's cheeks as he laughs a little and swallows. "Because yeah, you're real, as much as I can't believe it. And what you make me feel is real. And that's all that matters"

Brendon looks at him, opening his lips a little and closing them again.

"Kiss me?" he asks a while later, making Ryan smile softly.

"I move to your mouth if you let me," he answers, leaning in and kissing him. Brendon laughs and raises his hand to Ryan's head when his lips touch.

The stay in the suite the rest of the day, going from the living room to the room, from the room to the terrace and starting all over again. The swim too, enough for it to be considered training, staying on the couch after that for a deserved relaxing session, They have dinner there, too, so they don't have to come out of the suite and they end up the night whispering to each other on the couch with two glasses of wine.

The next days they get on the activities program. The third day they decide to go see the dolphins and snorkeling as they talked, and Ryan is excited even before leaving the room. When they told them on the boat they could see a group of dolphins if they looked to the right, Ryan had already taken ten pictures of them and he looked at Brendon with a huge smile.

He sees Brendon taking pictures, too, but he bets most of them are not from the dolphins. When they were done, Ryan even insisted on buying a huge fluffy dolphin because he couldn't help thinking about Joanna.

When it's the moment to do snorkel, however, it's Brendon's turn to forget about the camera and jump into the water with an excited smile, watching closely every fish. Ryan just takes advantage of his waterproof case and takes photos and videos from his phone.

They eat at a different restaurant every night, and sometimes at the suite, and Ryan likes them all so much he can't choose just one. They do a twilight cruise, too, and he doesn't leave the camera for a second, first taking pictures of the beautiful colors of the sky and then of Brendon's gorgeous face at that light.

At some point, Brendon says they should start taking photos together and Ryan takes it to heart. He takes photos everywhere, looking for small corners and grabbing Brendon whenever he feels like to take a picture while they laugh. He bites his cheek, hides on his neck, makes an idiot out of himself and laughs all the time.

When they get to the suite Brendon is still laughing as he shakes the sand off his hair, taking off his clothes and leaving just his boxers on when he lets himself falls on the bed. He grabs Ryan and makes him fall with him, taking the phone from his hand and getting closer to him to take a picture when he touches his cheek with his nose.

Ryan turns his head to kiss him on the lips, raising his hand to take another picture, and another one. Brendon smiles and opens up his mouth, catching Ryan's bottom lip before touching him with his tongue and kissing him deeper, just a second as the phone keeps taking photos.

"We could do jet ski tomorrow. And then going to the spa. I'm gonna ask for every massage they have. It doesn't seem so, but this is exhausting," Brendon says, smiling and yawning. "I think I'm going to fall asleep soon"

"Tomorrow is my surprise day," Ryan whispers, smiling small and caressing his skin in circles. "It'll take the whole day, we'll be here for dinner. But we can do that the day after that, it sounds like an awesome plan"

"Oh, really?" Brendon asks. "What it is?" he says, laughing a little. Ryan laughs too and lifts an eyebrow.

"You really want to know?" he asks him. "Want me to ruin the surprise?"

"No," Brendon answers with a smile, shaking his head no. "I know it's going to be awesome if you prepared it," he says, taking the phone again and switching to the video camera. "A goodnight kiss before going to sleep. Tomorrow is gonna be an amazing day," he says looking at the phone, turning his head and kissing Ryan's cheek before stopping recording and leaving the phone on the nightstand.

"That was the pg version, right?" Ryan asks, searching for his mouth with his own to kiss him properly. Brendon laughs and opens his lips to let himself be kissed, grabbing his shoulder. He gets closer to Ryan and licks his lips when the kiss breaks, looking at him and nodding.

"I guess this is the private version, then," he says, smiling. Ryan smiles back and licks his lips, moving to try and get closer to him even though there's no room left between their bodies. Brendon touches him with his nose, kissing him again softly before sliding his hand down to his waist, hiding his head on Ryan's neck. "It is cold tonight, isn't it?" he asks. Ryan hugs him closer and rubs his skin softly. It's not exactly cold what he's feeling, at all.

He's trying really hard to have some composure there. He didn't miss the way Brendon hasn't made or said anything sex related since the first night they got there. Ryan doesn't want him to do it if it doesn't feel right, he doesn't want him to do it just because they're supposed to. He's trying to give him some space, waiting for him to forget about what happened and feel comfortable again to be like he really is. But it's getting harder as the days go by, though, the lack of sex, of feeling him close and inside.

"Are you cold?" he asks, moving so the sheets cover both of them. Brendon pulls on it and covers them, breathing against Ryan's lips before talking.

"A little," he answers, closing his eyes and snuggling. Ryan tightens his hold and kisses his forehead, swallowing and trying to make his body behave right now.

"Want me to close the doors?" he whispers, but Brendon shakes his head no.

"I like the contrast. Your warmth," Ryan nods, breathing softly against him and keeping his hold safe and strong.

*

Next morning, Ryan wakes him up again, slow and soft, whispering his name still cuddling with him. He tells Brendon they need to be ready in a few to go to the dock. Brendon rubs his eyes, nodding and taking a few seconds before leaving the bed, having a quick swim before going to the shower.

Ryan is nervous and excited when they leave the suite to go to the dock, entangling their fingers and hiding his eyes behind the sunglasses with a smile. They walk to get there and when they're close enough, Ryan can see the boat waiting for them.

"Is that for us?" Brendon asks.

Ryan nods as he smiles at him, walking the few steps left before meeting the girl driving the boat. They talk just for a moment, enough to know he is Mister Ross and they're in the room number six hundred thirteen before she tells them they can go. Ryan assures Brendon they won't take long.

The boat gets into the sea, away from the dock and the island, the fishes swimming nervously around the boat. Brendon looks everywhere, leaning against the railing with the wind ruffling his hair. Soon, they can see a small empty island where the boat is taking them.

They don't take long before getting there and the girl gives them a basket with their picnic for the day,  courtesy of the hotel. The girl tells them what time is she going to be there to pick them up and soon she's going away again, the boat's sound fading and leaving them alone in the white sand.

"Ryan, this is..." Brendon says, starting to walk slowly, laughing. "I think I hadn't profaned anything virgin since... ten years ago?" he jokes, turning around to look at him. "It's amazing"

Ryan smiles wide, satisfied, walking barefoot in the sand.

"I'm glad you like it," he says, honest. "I thought it could be something special, so..." he explains, shrugging and letting out a small laugh. Brendon smiles and nods, walking towards him and hugging him, biting his lips excitedly.

"I would have never imagined something like this. It's awesome. I love it," he laughs, looking around. "And I can run naked around here," he jokes, making Ryan laugh.

They have breakfast under a tree with just the sound of the sea and their own voices as they speak. They do it softly, too, as if the atmosphere called for using interior voice, relaxing and calm and soft. They eat almost everything the hotel has prepared for breakfast and Ryan lays down on the sand, taking off his shirt.

They don't take long before going into the sea after that, taking pictures, playing on the beach, making an idiot out of themselves and laughing until losing breath. Just then they come back to the sand, stretching out their towels and lying down on them.

Brendon looks at the sky for a while, and Ryan stays silent, watching him behind his sunglasses. He's still carrying last night's need with him, feeling Brendon so close, touching him and kissing him, but not really like he'd like to is starting to get heavy inside him.

He doesn't know if he should talk to him about it, he doesn't want to pressure him, but he doesn't know either if making as if nothing was going on is a good idea, because he doesn't want Brendon to think he's lost interest. It's been four days without anything close to sex and Ryan thinks it's the longest they have lasted.

"It's like being alone in the world, don't you think?" Brendon whispers a few minutes later. He moves one of his hands, searching for Ryan's and grabbing it to entangle their fingers. "I could fall asleep here. I've never felt so much peace"

Ryan brings his hand to his lips and kisses the back of it, touching his skin with his thumb. He smiles and nods, still looking at him closely. Brendon smiles too, laughing right after and asking what happens.

"Nothing," Ryan answers, laughing softly and shrugging. "I was just...thinking"

"Thinking?" Brendon smiles wider, turning on his side to look at him better. "That's dangerous..."

Ryan mocks him and laughs, licking his lips and still touching his fingers softly. He thinks about his words, about how to say what he's feeling.

"I was thinking about, about you. About how relaxed and content you look," he comments, talking slowly. He sighs and laughs a little, making a gesture and surrendering when he doesn't find a soft way to say it. "And about how much I want to be a barrier against the sun to you, right now," he adds, looking down and squeezing his hand as he laughs again. Brendon does, too.

"I wouldn't mind you being my barrier against the sun," he says, looking at him again. "I wasn't as smart as you, I don't have sunglasses," he jokes a little. Ryan looks at him, thinking about it for a few seconds before moving and risk it. Maybe this is a doing thing, not a talking thing.

He doesn't make a barrier, he just gets closer and slips his leg between his, leaning against his elbow and covering him from the sun, his face a few inches away. He gets his other hand to Brendon's chest, cleaning some sand away and letting it rest there.

"Better?" he asks, laughing nervously and licking his lips before swallowing. Brendon frowns a little with the smile still on, watching Ryan as he nods.

"Not bad, yeah," he answers, moving to make Ryan cover him better. "Do you like your work as a human beach umbrella?"

"If it's for you, yeah," Ryan says, laughing again a little less nervous than before. He takes off his glasses and leaves them on the towel, leaning in to kiss him on the lips, shortly but staying right there when he breaks it, touching his nose with his own, testing, trying to see where does this take him.

Brendon smiles and kisses him again a few seconds after that, looking at his eyes.

"Ry," he calls him softly. "Is everything okay?" he asks, touching him with his nose without losing the smile. "I feel like you're... different. Or maybe this is just your vacation self," he jokes, laughing a little. Ryan does, too, sighing and leaning his forehead against Brendon's.

"Yeah, yes. Just..." he starts, biting his lip and looking at him, feeling the guilty mixing with indecision until he decides to risk it. "I know since the other day you're not much your... normal self," he says, laughing a little and shrugging. "And it's cool. You can be like that all you need. I just was, trying to give you space? But it doesn't seem to be working for me"

"Space?" Brendon laughs a little, moving his head and frowning. "Space for what? Why?"

"I don't know," Ryan answers, and his cheeks blush a little. "To go back to normal, I guess. I thought that maybe you needed a few days to go back to being fine," he says, and now that Brendon asked he's starting to think about the possibility of all of this being on his head, feeling a little ashamed. "Am I being stupid?"

"No. No, but..." Brendon shakes his head. "Ry. I'm okay. I mean, I don't... There's no reason why I need... space or time or..." he shakes his head again, laughing shortly. "Actually, I am not really sure what we're talking about"

"After that first night you haven't, you haven't started anything, you don't even joke suggestive or insinuate, or anything sex related," Ryan explains, swallowing and moving his hand up and down Brendon's chest, nervous. Brendon opens his mouth a little and blinks. "And it's...weird, being you," he laughs, shrugging. "At first I thought you were a little off, but bit by bit you came back to your normal self. Except for that. I thought that maybe, I don't know, what happened made you need some days to," he sighs and makes a face, frustrated. "I don't know if I'm making sense. I didn't know if it was okay to take a step because I didn't want to pressure you if you needed...space"

"I see..." Brendon looks down a little. "It's true I've been...weird. But, first of all, I wanna say I didn't think you... I didn't think that change could mess with you. I mean, I thought you were good like this, that it was what you wanted, something more restrained or normal, I don't know. Seeing that you didn't start anything I didn't think..." he shrugs, twisting his lips. "It's not like I decided to stop or anything, but after what happened I thought that... well, in the end, it was my fault because I'm always demanding and trying to control everything and making you... do things my way. And you getting upset or mad or whatever was like an awakening, you know? Seeing myself from the outside and saying, what the fuck is wrong with you?" he says, laughing a little and still not looking at him. "So I guess... I guess that's it, I don't feel like starting anything now. It's not on purpose. It's just that I think about it and I imagine going back to the same situation and..."

"Listen," Ryan starts, touching his cheek with his nose and stopping his hand's movement on Brendon's chest. "It's no one fault, okay? It was a... misunderstanding. I reacted too harsh, but I never. I like it when you get demanding, I like you controlling and making me do things your way, handling me and ordering me around. That night I was.... trying to provoke you, I guess, I'm not sure what I was trying to fo, you had my brain totally burned," he laughs, his cheeks getting red again, making Brendon laugh too. "What you said about stopping got me off guard and I reacted bad and I'm sorry. But that doesn't mean I don't want you to be yourself in sex. I love how you are, Bren, every way. And I wouldn't like that to change because of a misunderstanding"

Brendon looks at him, listening to his words. And Ryan really expects he's getting what he's saying because the last thing he wants it's for Brendon to change how he is during sex with him.

"I can try... I don't know, I can try being like before, looking for a way to. But I don't wanna force something that doesn't come out naturally, and I doubt you want that, too," he says, biting his lips. "What it's true is that, if we want to go back to normal, you not acting like you normally would is not helping," he comments, smiling. "So, if you want... If you want to stop giving me that space and just do what you really want to do, I think that would make things easier for me"

"Got it," Ryan nods, smiling at him. "And that you said before, about not forcing it, it's just that. I didn't want to so I was trying for it to go back naturally. But you're right, I get it," he adds, pulling a lock off Brendon's face. "I have to act naturally, too, to go back to that. To be honest," he lowers his voice as if it was a secret. "I felt like, if I did, I was being unsensible or disrespecting or something. But, god, it was getting hard"

Brendon bursts out laughing, leaning his head in and touching their foreheads together, still laughing as he shakes his head.

"I'm sorry. I didn't think..." he bites his bottom lip, making a face. "I thought you preferred it this way. More... restrained"

"It's okay. I'm glad we talked about it," Ryan says, making a gesture. "Restrained and I aren't very compatible," he jokes, laughing.

"Okay," Brendon nods, still laughing. "I don't know, maybe it got you early that thing about married people. Once a month... Every anniversary..."

"Sure," Ryan laughs. "That's right what I was thinking about last night. While you were cold I was sweating, but because of the effort not to repeat the one in your office"

Brendon laughs too, bringing one hand to his face and shaking his head.

"Last night?" he asks surprised, looking down and sighing. "Last night... last night I wasn't that cold, actually. More shivers than anything. Maybe I was trying to make you give me some warmth, unconsciously," he confesses, twisting his lips. Ryan opens his eyes and his mouth wide, surprised.

"And you tell me now?!" he jokes, pretending to try and stand up and looking at his watch. "Do you think if we leave already we can turn back time?"

"Only Superman can turn back time," Brendon answers, making a movement with his finger to represent Superman flying around the world. Ryan looks at him, disappointed.

"Shit," he says, laughing and going back to his previous position, closer to him now. "It's okay. I can be Superman if I want to, I think I have blue tights somewhere around the house"

"No, no, don't do that," Brendon laughs, letting himself fall back and looking at Ryan with bright eyes. "Better being Batman. It suits you more..." he says, smiling crookedly. "Batman is sexier. And I'm sure you can get that rough voice, too"

"Of course I can," Ryan answers, clearing his throat and making a serious face. "It's not who I am underneath, but what I do that defines me," he adds, making a not really good impression of Batman. Brendon laughs harder, bringing his arm to his face and covering it, making his abs move. Ryan laughs too and takes his arm off so he can lean in and kiss him, as good as he can, given that they're both still laughing.

They stay there lying on the sand for a while, enjoying the quietness and the sound of the sea and their breath. When the sun starts to hurt their skins, they move under the trees and grab the things they need to eat. Ryan gets the camera again when they’re done and films Brendon and takes pictures of the beach, himself and some of Brendon’s ass, just to tease him a little while he does.

Brendon jokes with him about being obsessed with his ass and pulls his underwear on just to end with Ryan’s joy, making him whine and try to take them off. He doesn’t get it and they end up running towards the sea between laughs, catching Brendon in the water and fighting with him. Brendon tickles him and both keep fighting until Ryan gets a hit on the ribs and they stop. He takes advantage of Brendon’s worry and grabs him in, laughing. He gets closer to Ryan, then, tangling his fingers between the locks of his hair as he opens his mouth and touches him softly with the tip of his tongue. Ryan moans against his mouth and kisses him languid, biting him when he can and sliding his teeth over his tongue until releasing him. He gets his hands lower, under the robe, grabbing his ass and squeezing as he gasps.

Brendon laughs a little, nervous. He doesn’t open his eyes and his hand trembles when he moves it down Ryan’s chest and to his growing erection under the swimsuit. Ryan feels him nervous but doesn’t say anything, wanting to do this to make Brendon come back to himself, giving him time and letting him know.

Brendon makes him shiver and break the kiss to gasp when he touches him, opening his mouth against his and closing his eyes, getting goosebumps all over. His hips more right away to push against Brendon’s hand and his lips close after a few seconds, kissing his jawline and his neck right bellow his ear.

“ _Ryan_ ,” Brendon gasps, trembling a little and looking at him with his lips open and his breath speeding up. “Okay. I’m… I think I’m a bit sensitive,” he says, laughing, touching himself where Ryan had his lips seconds ago.

Ryan looks at him breathing deep, with his lips wet and dark eyes, a little slow processing the information. He swallows and nods when he gets back to it, looking down at his mouth and up again.

“What…? Want me to stop for a moment or…?” he asks, dragging his words because his brain is a little out of it. Brendon shakes his head before he finishes talking and grabs him harder.

“No,” he says, licking his lips and looking at Ryan. “But. Let’s go outside. I need to be on the sand..."

Ryan nods fast, starting to get out of the water without letting go of him. Brendon just lets go of him when Ryan lays him on the towels again. He gets on top of him, looking at his face during a few seconds before leaning in softly, getting his lips on Brendon’s neck again.

He kisses him right on his Adam’s apple, sliding his nose down his skin and kissing him on the collarbones. As he does, he gets down one of his hands to pull the boxers down slowly, waiting for Brendon to lift up his hips when he can’t keep going. Brendon does and lets him pull them off, bringing his hand up right after and touching himself.

He uses his other hand to touch the back of Ryan’s neck, grabbing him hard but loosening the grip right after, caressing the skin. Ryan moves his hand to join Brendon’s at his cock, touching him too. He’d lie if he said he’s not surprised when he realizes Brendon’s not hard yet, but he decides not to judge and takes this bit by bit, trying to make him feel good.

His lips move to his nipples, catching one of them, licking it and sucking a little, biting softly and savoring it before letting go just to do the same with the other one. Brendon arches and shivers, and makes a soft move with his hand to push Ryan’s away, looking at his eyes and swallowing.

“Let me…” he blinks and make a gesture. “I need some time”

“We have all the time in the world,” Ryan answers, smiling at him and bringing the hand to his side, sliding his nails up there as he leans in again, bringing his lips to his belly button. He kisses Brendon there with his lips open, touching him softly with the tip of his tongue, biting carefully and sucking on the skin until leaving a mark. Brendon grabs his hair again, pulling harder than intended.

“Sorry,” he groans, opening his hand and touching him softly, his lips swollen for biting them so much. Ryan looks at him.

“Hey. Just like you are, remember?” he says, smiling at him and grabbing his hand on his hair to make him close the grip hard. “You don’t have to apologize. Let yourself go, Bren”

He goes back to his skin without looking away, biting his hip not so hard but not being careful about it. He just stops looking at him when he starts to slide down his thigh, licking and kissing, cleaning the salt water off the skin and leaving a spit trail instead.

Brendon pulls on his hair again, not as hard as before but not softly either, lifting Ryan’s head to look at him at the eyes, making him groan. He gasps and swallows and licks his lips, pulling more on Ryan’s hair. He doesn’t look away for a second, watching closely, and stays like that until he brings him to his face, gasping desperately.

“I want your mouth,” he says, more like a growl, waiting for Ryan to act. Ryan moans almost obscene, the natural answer to Brendon’s voice. He leans in to kiss him, opening his mouth and gasping against him.

He knows Brendon has come back to himself when he bites him, making him shiver. He bites him and kisses him, opening his mouth harsh and growling inside as he licks him. He pulls on his hair again, sliding his lips down Ryan’s jaw line to his neck, kissing him there before biting again.

Ryan moans rough and his cock jumps inside his swimsuit, one of his hands closing and grabbing the towel and sand. Brendon licks his skin to his ear, biting it before whispering.

“I want your mouth,” he repeats, this time more ragged, getting his nose between the wet locks of Ryan’s hair. “I want it around my cock. I want you to make me fully hard against your tongue,” he says, moving and looking at him. “Yeah? Yes, Ry?”

“Yes,” Ryan nods, several times, licking his lips and with his eyes blurred because Brendon has brought him there in a few bites. “Yes, yes,” he repeats and he starts to slide down right away until he’s facing his hips, swallowing and licking his own lips before licking from base to head, looking at his eyes.

Brendon doesn’t let go of his hair, pulling a little to keep him in place and touching his hard on against Ryan’s lips. He doesn’t push, just let it there to Ryan and make him close his eyes for a moment, moaning rough and licking him.

He closes his lips around him, sucking, bringing his hands to Brendon’s thighs so he can grab him. Brendon digs his nails in and lets him do whatever he wants for a few minutes, but he pulls on his hair soon, just a little to make him look at his face. He growls and let go of himself, holding on the sand so he can thrust with his hips, hard, careless, making Ryan take him the best he can.

Ryan moans and relaxes his throat, tightening his grip on Brendon’s thighs, getting goosebumps as a thin line of spit slides down his chin. He moves his hands then, bringing them behind his back so he can keep them there, wanting to tell Brendon without words to use his mouth as he pleases.

“Hey, hey, hey. What are you doing?” Brendon growls although Ryan guesses he doesn’t want him to answer because he keeps thrusting into his mouth hard. “You can’t do that, Ryan. You can’t do this to me,” he says, pulling to make him look at his face, slowing down but not stopping. “You can’t because you’re gonna drive me crazy, Ryan. And I’m not gonna know what to do with you,” he says, gasping when he licks his own lips, sliding out of Ryan’s mouth. “Tell me. What am I gonna do with you?”

“Whatever you want,” Ryan answers, and his voice sounds rough and used and harsh, his lips red and wet, open as he tries to breathe. “Anything you want”

Brendon huffs and brings a hand to his face, rubbing it and pushing Ryan against him again, getting into his mouth until the last inch, passing his throat and holding him there with a hard grip on his hair.

Ryan’s eyelids tremble with his eyes closed when the feeling overwhelms him out of a sudden, all his body burning out of the blue, his skin shivering and the pleasure running through him from head to toe, making him moan long and hoarse, breathing harder through his nose and jerking a little as he comes without touching himself, just feeling Brendon on his mouth, making him swallow him down with no mercy. He can hear him say something, but he doesn’t understand what it is, his senses too blurred.

“Ryan,” he calls him, pulling on his hair and sliding out of his mouth with a groan, touching his lips with his thumb. Ryan’s eyes are liquid and out of it, his cheeks and neck red. “I made you come without touching yourself,” he growls, kissing him fiercely, biting him hard before losing all control and turning them around to make him lay on his back. He grabs him by the wrists, holding them against the sand and digging his finger in so Ryan can’t move. “And now? What are you gonna do to make me come? What are you gonna let me do to you?”

“Whatever,” he answers, and he makes it sound like he’s begging, with his chest rising up and down and his eyes fixed on him. The way Brendon is restricting his moves is preventing him from coming down from his orgasm, still feeling his nerve endings tremble.  “Anything”

“Whatever,” Brendon repeats, but he doesn’t ask, grabbing Ryan’s leg and lifting it to get himself between them. “Anything,” he says, guiding himself to position his cock between his ass cheeks, pushing, forcing himself inside Ryan with just his spit as lube.

Ryan arches and groans and bites his lip, opening his legs more and moving his hips to adjust himself and try to make it easier. Brendon gasps shortly, kissing his cheeks, his neck, sliding up his jawline. He holds on Ryan’s thigh hard before bringing it to his waist and covering him whole, pushing until he’s inside to the last inch, moaning and looking at Ryan’s eyes. He asks it hurts, moving slowly and Ryan makes a gesture and nods but digs his foot in Brendon’s lower back to make him keep going.

“Keep going, please,” he gasps, lifting his other leg and changing the angle. “Like that, slow. Just a minute. Then you can…”

It’s uncomfortable, and it hurts, but Ryan doesn’t care. He wants to keep going with this because he knows it will feel good soon and he wants to, wants to have Brendon inside, leaving a mark, making him know he’s there even when he’s not anymore. He needs to feel him after being without this for days.

Brendon touches his hair, saying ‘slowly’ over and over again and kissing him softly, moving carefully, sliding his lips on Ryan’ skin with warm kisses as his body gives in bit by bit. ‘Like that’, he smiles, looking at Ryan and touching his nose with his own, saying it again when he feels himself sliding easier, kissing him again and telling him how good he is.

Ryan nods and kisses him back languid and long, moaning softly sometimes and controlling his breath, his skin covered in sweat. His groans increase as Brendon slides easier inside him, his breath speeding up and his hips moving to get Brendon’s rhythm. Ryan’s half hard again and his body isn’t resisting anymore when Brendon smiles and kisses his cheek. He leans his forehead against Ryan’s as he changes the angle and speeds up his movements, enough to send shivers down Ryan’ spine, making him hold on his back, gasping.

“You’re perfect,” Brendon whispers looking at him before touching his lips in a sweet kiss, the gasps mixing between their lips. “You’re everything…everything I could have imagined in my life,” he says, swallowing and thrusting over and over again, making Ryan’s throat hurt with moaning. “You’re so good, _so good_ , God, you should see yourself as I see you. I’m gonna come just feeling you hard again against me,” he moans, closing his eyes and making his thrusts longer, harder, burying himself in Ryan’s body.

He tightens his hands on Ryan’s hair, kissing him messy as he moans on his mouth, rougher, longer, more breathy when his hips lose the rhythm and he gets goosebumps all over his body, his muscles tensing and jerking.

He says Ryan’s name in a growl, opening his mouth in the kiss as Ryan feels him emptying himself inside his body, kissing, kissing, kissing him until there’s no air left in his lungs. He trembles and gasps when he opens his eyes, looking at Ryan and sliding out of him as he slides his hands down, the sand and his nails scratching his skin. Brendon asks if he can come again when his lips touch the base of Ryan’s cock, gasping against it, dropping a chaste kiss on it.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m…” Ryan’s voice sounds so ragged it almost seems like he lost it, looking at him and pulling his hair off his face. He feels lost, in another world, unable to form words. Brendon nods and opens his mouth, covering him with his tongue before taking the head of his cock into his mouth.

Ryan feels that his body melts when he feels Brendon’s mouth as if his whole skin and muscles just disappeared to become sensations. They mix so much he doesn’t know what he’s feeling anymore, he just knows he trembles, he feels like he’s coming even if he’s not yet, every cell of his body answering to Brendon.

He loses his breath for a moment when suddenly Brendon’s fingers slide inside him, looking for the right spot and making him lose himself completely, forget about his existence. He’s using everything he knows to drive him crazy, making him arch and shiver. He lost his voice and his skin burns and he doesn’t last long before jerking and tensing and feeling so many things he can’t even know when exactly he starts to come in his mouth.

Brendon stops and swallows but he keeps going with his fingers, not stopping until Ryan can’t take it anymore. He moves then, licking his lips and moving up his body to kiss him, letting himself fall down beside him when the kiss breaks with dreamy eyes and a satisfied smile.

“I love you,” he says, closing his eyes and smiling wide before looking at Ryan, who’s smiling and breathing exhausted.

“I love you, too,” he answers with his voice raw, laughing and clearing his throat then. “And I would hug you right now if I could move,” he adds, laughing again. He feels like his body doesn’t exist.

“I’m not gonna make you,” Brendon laughs too, looking at him. “And I’m not gonna tell you where do I have sand, either. This wasn’t a really good idea,” he jokes, softening his smile. “But… it was okay, right?”

“It was much better than okay,” Ryan smiles, grabbing his hand and squeezing, leaving his fingers entangled and breathing in the silence.

*

During the following days, Brendon forbids Ryan to contract more activities except for Jet Ski and spa, saying they have lost a lot of time and there are a lot of places in the suit they have to use.

Now that they are close to the end of their trip, Ryan gets serious about training and during the last days he wakes up earlier to go to the gym while Brendon’s still sleeping, so they can spend the rest of the day together.

So it’s one of those mornings when, after coming back from the gym and having a shower he has an idea when he sees Brendon still sleeping and the camera lying around in the room, because he doesn’t want to wake him up yet. He smiles crookedly and gets the camera, walking quietly and sitting on one of the armchairs, looking at the bed and starting to film.

“You remind me of that crazy kid in American Beauty,” Brendon says with a small smile and a rough voice when he wakes up a few later, clearing his throat and holding the sheets on his waist when he turns around and sits on the mattress. “Is this PG or NC-17?”

“That’s on you,” he answers, smiling. “I just wanted to prove what I said a few days ago”

“Should I ask?” Brendon asks, laughing a little and disarraying his hair. Ryan shrugs with a huge smile, still filming.

“This, ladies and gentlemen,” Ryan says, talking to the camera even if he’s focusing on Brendon. “Is what I see every morning when I wake up. How am I so lucky? That’s what I ask myself every day,” he keeps talking, his eyes moving between the camera and Brendon. Brendon bites his lip and lets his head fall on the pillow, laughing.

“Noooooo, you can’t be real. How are you real?” Brendon asks, laughing more when he looks back at him. Ryan laughs and stands up, going to the bed to sit on the edge of the mattress, now filming the view from the bed.

“Beautiful, right? Just wait and see,” he says before turning the camera again and filming Brendon once more as he moves up on the bed.

Brendon laughs, shaking his head and murmuring ‘you’re crazy’, grabbing the sheets and covering Ryan and the camera with them, jumping over him to make him fall on the mattress. He pulls the sheet off Ryan’s face then, catching his lips with his own and moving his hand to take the camera from him.

“Hey,” Ryan whines, smiling. “That's cheating”

“Ryan Ross, ladies and gentlemen,” Brendon says, filming them both and mocking him a little. “A bad loser,” he laughs, looking at him.

“I never lose,” he jokes, laughing again before putting on an innocent face for the camera, making Brendon laugh. “Really, you can’t tell me he doesn’t have the most beautiful smile you have ever seen,” he adds, filming him closer.

“I also have the most beautiful cock in the world,” Brendon says, joking. “You can’t see that… Or yes. It depends. I can be the new Pamela Anderson,” he says, wiggling his eyebrows. Ryan laughs and brings one hand to his face, shaking his head no.

“Brendon Urie,” he says, the smile present on his voice. “He can make you lose your breath just looking at him, tell you sweet pretty things when you don’t see them coming and talk about dog shit when you’re trying to be romantic,” Ryan lists, sighing resigned and shrugging. “That’s him. Living with him is such an adventure. You never know when he’s gonna tell you he also has the most beautiful dick in the world”

“Hey, hey! Wait. First of all, I do have it,” he says, elbowing Ryan and looking at the camera. “Second, the dog shit thing was just… a couple of times. You’re the one who got obsessed with it. And third, I may be an adventure, but you’re the one who films me while I’m sleeping, like a creep, so…” he smiles, looking at Ryan again. “You are lucky you’re the love of my life because if you weren’t, I don’t know what I’d do with you,” he says, getting closer and biting his cheek. “However, I don’t know what I’d do without you, instead”

Ryan laughs nervously and looks at him for a moment, shaking his head and wrinkling his nose before hiding his face behind his hair, trying to hide his blush, his stomach turning upside down.

“Wow, it’s not that funny when you’re on the other side, right?” Brendon says, moving and getting over him to take the camera and zooming. “Look those cheeks,” he says, touching him with his fingers and sliding them into his hair. “And those eyes. And his nose…” he lists, touching everything he says, going then to his lips while Ryan blushes harder. “And I think we’re gonna keep this PG, right? For now, at least”

“You can stop it now, actually, my goal is reached,” Ryan answers, still smiling like an idiot and putting his hand over his face. “Come oooooon, stop”

After that, the camera stays forgotten for the rest of the morning because they’re too busy looking at each other. They just get it again after having lunch, and this time Brendon takes pictures of Ryan while he swims in the pool before getting Ryan’s phone with his waterproof case and jumps in with him. Ryan takes control of the camera then, taking pictures of them both.

They film again a while later, this time a video they can send to their friends. They show them where they are staying, tell them everything is fine and that they feel awesome. Ryan shows them the dolphin he has bought to Joanna, assuring her the next present will be the skates. Brendon whines when they finish filming because he doesn’t have a teddy and Ryan laughs because it’s cute, but he gets away for a few minutes while Brendon showers to buy him one, surprising him with a teddy unicorn fish.

You could think the days go by slowly because they don’t do anything special, but not at all. Before they know it, they’re gathering their things, mostly Ryan, whose clothes were lying all around the suite. The bags are harder to close now than when they did back at home and both of them get it all ready soon so they can enjoy the room during the last hours.

When they get out of the suite and close the door behind them, starting to walk along the wood dock, Ryan throws his arm over Brendon’s shoulders as they talk about all the things they’ve done and yet how short it seemed to be. Seeing Brendon’ smile Ryan thinks that, without a doubt, these have been his best holidays.


	8. 6. Above the fold

The first thing they do when they return from vacation and wait a few days for the jet lag to fade is having a dinner party for their friends. Cassie, Jon, Amanda, and Jacky are the first to confirm, and Ryan asks Spencer and Linda too, but their visiting relatives so they can't come. It's true Ryan's relationship with Jacky hasn't gotten any better, mostly because Ryan thinks Jacky hates him for how he treated Brendon when everything started. He understands, and he knows how Brendon's friends are really protective of him, so he can't blame them. It just makes him nervous, being with Jacky in the same room, and also embarrassed when he remembers how he thought there could be something between Jacky and Brendon. He doesn't know Amanda personally either, but he knows Brendon's friends are important to him, so the least he can do is trying to control his social awkwardness and accept them as his own friends.

They all come together, Jacky carrying Joanna on his shoulders, and Ryan waits behind Brendon while he receives them at the door. They invite them in, thanking Amanda for bringing a bottle of wine before Brendon hugs her, smiling at Cassie later. Jon is carrying a guitar case and Brendon's face lightens up, talking about the piano they have and suggesting having a jam later.

Ryan greets Jacky with a tiny smile, raising a hand slowly. He doesn't know how the guy will treat him, and that makes his palms sweat. His smiles grow when he sees Joanna, but he doesn't move, looking at Cassie and Jon, greeting them both with a shake of hands.

Jacky introduces Amanda to him, and Ryan feels a little better not being the only one shy when he sees how the girl gets a little red before saying hi. Once they're all inside, Ryan goes to Joanna, now carried by Brendon, and he holds her before Brendon jumps on Jacky's back and uses him as a horse.

"Do you like uncle Ryan, honey? He's good with kids, he lives with one," Cassie jokes, getting closer. "I'm gonna start thinking about using you as her babysitter, seeing how good she behaves with you."

Ryan laughs and blushes, looking at the baby in his arms and smiling at Cassie while he shrugs.

"She's really good. And the dogs helped me the last time, protecting the pillow fort I build," he admits, laughing again. "You can bring her whenever you want."

"You're so nice," Cassie smiles, getting closer to fix the baby's clothes, whispering. "You'd be a great dad."

That makes Ryan’s throat go dry out of a sudden and he feels his cheeks burning, freezing on the spot for a few seconds because of Cassie’s words. It’s not like he hasn’t thought about it, he even talked to Brendon about it. But hearing it is a lot different and, also, none of them have talked about it again because that’s something in the future, maybe. Brendon gets off Jacky’s back when he notices and walks towards them so he can sneak around.

“What happens? What am I missing?” he asks, and Cassie looks at him with an innocent face. “Cassie, what are you telling my future husband?”

Ryan’s brain literally short circuit, he can even hear the gears whining because did he hear what he thinks he did? His head moves so fast towards Brendon his neck hurts, and he looks at him with huge eyes and blushing even more than before, not really getting why his heart speeds up like that and his stomach turns upside down. Brendon looks back at him and sticks his tongue out, even though his cheeks are a bit red too when Ryan looks at him.

“Nothing. He’s just really good with kids,” Cassie says with a smile, looking at Ryan again before walking to his chair on the table. Brendon looks at both of them wrinkling his nose, suspicious, but he doesn’t say anything more.

They sit at the table together, Ryan still carrying Joanna and really happy about it, and they talk for a while as they wait for the food to come. They have a lot to talk about, mostly because everyone wants to know how the awards gala went, if they had fun in Vegas, if the press is giving them rest and, of course, how was the trip to Maldives. Jacky gives them some advice and offers Brendon to go with him if he has to make a public appearance all alone again, being his intermediary if he has to.

"Are you offering to be my personal PR?" Brendon jokes, but it seems like Jacky is totally serious.

"You can't hide forever, you will need to talk in public again. I'd like to be me the one who cares about you instead of someone who works for a big corporation. No offense, Ryan," he says, looking at Ryan for a moment. "Your club doesn't look too trustworthy to me after I saw what they did to Brendon. You have my number, my business card," he goes back to talk to Brendon. "You can give it to your PR and tell her to ask me first anything that concerns you."

"If you get what happened that time to never happen again, you can keep anything they want to pay me," Brendon laughs, but he's not joking.

"I don't need money, B, I already have my job," Jacky shakes his head, speaking again when he sees Brendon ready to reply. "Although we can divide it 80-30, if you insist. That'd be fair."

"The 80 percent for you, right?" Jon jokes and they both laugh when Jacky jokes along talking about setting up Brendon for countless interviews so he can buy a house in Miami.

The conversation goes on from one topic to another one as they all talk animatedly. Ryan feels more relaxed even though he doesn’t talk a lot. He’s busy playing with Joanna, who’s still sitting on his lap and really interested in his fingers. He feels so much more confident with her than the first time, or the second, but he still puts his arm around her small waist to make sure she doesn’t fall down somehow. It’s a weird feeling because he never imagined himself dealing with kids this way. But at the same time he feels good, he likes it and it makes him smile every time the little girl looks at him and laughs or babbles as she plays. It’s a different feeling on his chest that makes him smile and prevents him from looking away from Joanna.

They have dinner when the food arrives and Cassie goes with Brendon to the kitchen to make Joanna’s dinner as Jon goes to the car and gets the porta crib they’re gonna need when Joanna wants to sleep. When they go back to the dining room, Cassie asks Ryan if he wants to feed Joanna and he thinks about it for a few seconds because, yeah, he did it before, but it was a feeding bottle, this is way different and it makes him nervous. He decides to do it, though, when Brendon smiles at him and encourage him to do it. He doesn’t want to let Joanna go anyway, but he’s not gonna say that.

Cassie seems surprised but she doesn’t say anything as she brings everything Ryan needs and Brendon helps him put the bib on Joanna. Ryan assures himself he can do it, it can’t be that hard, but he doesn’t really relax until everyone stops looking at him and Cassie’s the only one paying attention to what he’s doing in case he needs something.

They have dessert and open Amanda’s wine, still talking and laughing, telling them everything they’ve done in Maldives and even showing them some pictures. Ryan eats his own dessert when he finishes feeding Joanna and asks Brendon to go to the bedroom to get her present so they can give it to her before she goes to sleep.

"Hey, baby, look what uncle Brendon is carrying," she says to Joanna smiling, standing up with the girl in her arms to walk towards Brendon when he comes back.

"It's a doooolphin," Brendon says, moving the toy as if it was swimming, and Joanna laughs when Brendon uses the dolphin's nose to tickle her tummy. "And this one is not a perv-" He shuts up when Cassie slaps his arm, making Joanna laugh louder and Ryan too.

"It's so pretty, right, honey?" Cassie asks the little girl. "Who bought this dolphin for you?" she asks, and Joanna looks at both of them before she points at Ryan with her finger, making Brendon pout.

Ryan can't help opening a big smile, raising his hand.

"High five!" he says, laughing and looking at Brendon. "Aww, don't worry. I'm sure you're still her favorite uncle. Right, buddy? Who's your favorite uncle?" He asks, pointing at Brendon with his head. The little one looks at Ryan again, and then she looks at Brendon, who is waiting for her answer still pouting. Joanna points at the dolphin before she hugs it. Brendon is not too happy about her choice, but Ryan laughs again and kisses his cheek.

"Well, you're my favorite, and I hope that's enough," he whispers, leaning back with a smile. Brendon smiles too with an "it is" before he goes back to Joanna to tell her he has another fish friend who can play with them.

The hours go by and the meeting becomes more laid back. Joanna falls asleep holding the dolphin, and Brendon can't help to look at Ryan while she carries the little girl to her porta crib. It probably shows in his face what he's thinking because Amanda mocks him asking him when they are going to be next. Brendon attacks her with tickles and she asks for help so Jacky comes to her rescue. He doesn't think Ryan notices.

They don't take long before taking the party to the piano room, leaving Joanna in one of the rooms upstairs so they don't wake her up. Jon takes his guitar and they start jamming and singing any song that comes to their minds. Brendon brings two more bottles of wine, telling Ryan they should have had something stronger. Jacky says it's okay, that way they look sophisticated. You can't look sophisticated drinking vodka.

He doesn’t know how they manage to end up singing and playing and laughing, with Jacky using a chair for percussion and Brendon making an idiot out of himself playing the piano, making it hard for Jon to keep up with the guitar. He gives it to Jacky when he gives up; asking if they mind him smoking a little and making Brendon’s eyes grow wide. He asks Ryan if they can giving him his best puppy eyes and kisses him softly on the lips when he says yes.

Ryan sees him relaxing and letting go, playing the piano again and singing loudly, but also jumping on Jacky’s back and pulling on his hair when he’s the one playing, saying he’s the Ratatouille mouse. Jon ends up lying on the floor laughing hard and it’s already late when they slow down the party and Amanda starts playing softly, making Cassie fall asleep in Jon’s arms, everyone snuggled on the couches as they share stories.

Ryan touches Brendon’s skin softly with the tips of his fingers, hugging him close and wrinkling his shirt with every touch. He leans in from time to time, searching with his lips to kiss his forehead or between the locks of his hair. He stopped drinking wine a while ago and that makes him feel more awake than everyone in the room. Jacky hugs Amanda when she lets go of the guitar and kisses her shoulder a few times.

When they talk about leaving Ryan tells them to stay the night so they don’t have to drive so late and Brendon agrees, telling them where they can sleep. He seems happy having everyone there and it’s a relief seeing him full of life and energy again after all those days when he seemed off. Ryan sees him say goodnight to their friends as he goes to the room and, when Brendon gets there, he’s already lying on the bed with the lights on and the clothes lying on the floor, hugging the teddy bear Brendon brought in Vegas. Brendon laughs softly and closes the door behind him, grabbing the unicorn fish and throwing it to Ryan too before getting naked himself and leave it on the floor with Ryan’s. He gets on the bed naked and cuddles with him and the teddies, and Ryan sighs and smiles as he feels the warmth of Brendon’s body.

*

Ryan walks around the kitchen, a cup of tea on his hand, as he hears Brendon laughing hard sitting on one of the stools, looking at whatever Z is showing him. She said something about rumors and magazines, Ryan wasn’t really listening, but he gets curious and gets closer, leaning in over Brendon’s shoulder.

“Does this mean I can see Ryan with the kids already?” Brendon jokes and Ryan reads the magazines on the counter, a picture of him and Z right before they entered the awards show in Vegas. They’re all wondering if the mysterious woman is the new sportsman's affair and they promise more information inside. “I really wanted to see it”

It seems like everything got out the moment Ryan went to the place where he used to learn hockey when he was little, where Brendon wasn’t allowed.

“Oh,” he says, leaning on the counter. He lifts an eyebrow and makes a surprised face. “Really? Now I am the man cheating on my partner with my PR?” he asks, shaking his head as he laughs. He will never get the press.

“Actually, they don’t say I’m your PR anywhere. I don’t know if they know or they don’t, but they don’t care. It’s juicier if I am a mysterious stranger,” says Z, moving the magazines and opening one of them so they can see more pictures. They are just parts of the video in the hockey school. “About Bredon, there are different opinions. Some say you are ‘re-becoming’, you know, going back to the good path, and others say you coming out was a marketing strategy of the club. And, well, some say it’s not cheating if it’s with a woman”

“Can I go to a show to cry?” Brendon asks totally serious, laughing when Z looks at him with his eyebrows raised. “I can say I’m devastated but I’m gonna forgive Ryan and keep going with our relationship because of our future baby,” he says, bringing a hand to his belly and making Ryan laugh. “Then we’ll sell the exclusive when they’re born”

“Brendon…” Z looks at him, waiting for a moment to talk and looking straight at him. “That would be a good idea if you were really pregnant. But, unless you have something to tell me about your anatomy, we’re gonna have to discard it”

“I could tell you a few things about his anatomy…” Ryan jokes, drinking tea as he rubs Brendon’s hair, still standing behind him. He’s not worried about all this if Brendon isn’t either.

“Oh! Can I go talk about Ryan’s anatomy?” Brendon asks, sounding excited. Ryan frowns when he hears him because, okay, he’s more worried about that. “Come on, Z, I want to buy a car. One of those that you just know there’s an asshole driving”

“You don’t need money for that, Brendon, just lower the window,” she answers. “This shouldn’t take long before disappearing, but I have to inform you about what they’re saying. As long as it’s this, it’s not something worse”

“Oh, by the way,” Brendon says out of a sudden, taking Jacky’s card out of his wallet. “There. From now on I have a ‘PR’ too,” he says joking a little, smiling when Z lifts an eyebrow as she gets the card. “It’s not exactly that, but kind of. He’s gonna supervise everything related to my public apparitions when Ryan’s not present”

“…Okay,” Z answers, looking at the card and putting it into his bag. “So, Ryan, wanna do something about this? The new rumors”

“Um. Someone is gonna believe it if we say it’s a lie?” he asks, incredulous even before knowing the answer because he really doubts those people are gonna listen to him.

“It’ll consolidate it, actually,” Z says, shrugging. “But I don’t know, maybe you want to give a particular image. If you want them to go away, then you don’t have to do anything”

“Let me think about it, I’ll tell you when I decide,” Ryan says, going back to his tea. He wants to talk about it with Brendon, even though he doesn’t seem to mind.

Z stays a while longer, mostly talking about work even if sometimes they forget about it and talk and laugh about other things, trying to go back to work when they distract themselves for too long. Ryan has to admit that she’s not bad given that she works in press, even if he had his doubts when this first started. They get along really well and he feels relaxed with her and trusts her.

When she leaves, Brendon says something about looking for the video of Ryan in the hockey school but, before that, he grabs Ryan and pulls on him, saying they have work to do.

“Work?” Ryan asks, frowning but following him.

Brendon brings him to their bedroom, getting the pictures of their trip and giving it to Ryan. He can see the box where Brendon keeps the rest of his pictures too.

“We’re gonna make my mural. Our mural”

“Oh,” Ryan says, looking at the pictures, the box, and Brendon with a smile. “Will I be able to put your ass on the wall?” he jokes, laughing as he walks towards the bed and sits on it, crossing his legs. It’s not like him to put pictures all around the house, he has his own in a drawer but, somehow, he’s excited about it.

“If you make it so it fits with the rest of the pictures you can even put my dick,” Brendon answers, frowning right after that as he sits beside him. “There are no pictures of my cock, right?”

“No. I think,” he laughs, hitting him softly with his shoulder so he knows he’s joking. Brendon sticks his tongue out before paying attention to the pictures in front of him.

He explains to Ryan how they can make the mural and how he likes it. Brendon wants to make two temporary lines with their pictures alone and then get their pictures together in the middle. Ryan likes the idea even though Brendon mocks him because he’s still convinced he doesn’t have pictures of his life before hockey. He decides then to shut him up bringing his own box of pictures and showing him.

“So it was true, then,” Brendon says, smiling big as he looks at the box before opening it. “You have pictures not related to hockey”

“Yeah, idiot,” Ryan laughs, making a face. “Even though some of those are on the ice anyway”

Brendon sticks his tongue out to him, but he gets the pictures out of the box and starts to see them, Ryan’s whole life on his hands, being little, in college, with the puppies…

“Oh my God, is that Spencer?” Brendon asks, laughing and bringing a hand to his mouth. Ryan leans in so he can see the picture and laughs, nodding.

“Yeah. I bet he didn’t show Linda that picture,” he says. Brendon laughs more and he really understands if Spencer didn’t, because he wouldn’t either.

“That hair… And that face,” he laughs more.

They keep seeing pictures for a while, the memories making Ryan laugh sometimes. He tells Brendon stories about his college friends, the dogs when they were puppies. Brendon mocks him sometimes because of his teenage pictures, telling him he had a girl's face, but he only praises him when he sees him with his first hockey uniform.

“How cuuute, Ry. You were gorgeous,” he says, laughing and giving him the picture, making him laugh. “So cute. Look at your jersey. Aww”

Ryan keeps looking at him with a smile before going back to the pictures and bursting out laughing when he sees the next one. He’s totally naked on it, covering himself and giving the middle finger to the camera. He was a teenager, maybe eighteen or nineteen, and he remembers being so wasted when they took it, barely a few friends left in the house. He tells Brendon all this, confessing he wouldn’t have been able to do it if there were girls because he was too shy.

“It’s curious you weren’t shy in front of them,” Brendon says, looking at him. “You didn’t like any boy back then?”

“It was… complicated for me back then,” he explains, wrinkling his nose. “I knew I liked guys, I mean, I have no doubt about it. But it was… highschool, you know? I lived in the shadow of Spencer because it was hard for me making friends but I have a lot of them, I don’t even know how. And they treated me good. It was easy, sticking to girls and avoid problems, so… I don’t know. Physically, yeah, there were guys I liked, they were hot. But I guess social pressure won me over,” he says, laughing a little. He guesses he’s not as brave as Brendon. It’s one of the things he really admires about him, how he was able to be true to himself without caring about the consequences.

“So, more than in the closet you were, like, in an old trunk,” Brendon says, smiling crookedly when he adds. “A treasure’s trunk,” he laughs, looking at him and tilting his head. “When was it the first time? The first guy, I mean. The first kiss”

“College,” Ryan answers with a sigh because college for his was a whole new world apart from everything. “I started all over again, I didn’t know anyone there and no one expected something from me. No one could leave me. I could be myself from the start, and so I did”

“He was your first time in sex, too?”

“Yeah,” Ryan nods, looking at Brendon. “When you study literature is not hard to find gay or bi guys. There was this boy in my class that always sit near me, we talked a couple of times and traded class notes sometimes. It was obvious where we were going, or at least it was for me. So it wasn’t a big story. One weekend we both stayed in the dorms, we met and it happened,” he tells him the story, shrugging. He remembers it like something good, fine, but not necessary special. “He did it a few times, actually. And then it ended and we were friends. We went back to our previous relationship of trading class notes”

“I see…” Brendon nods. “Giving or receiving?”

Ryan laughs and looks at him knowingly because he was just waiting for that question.

“Receiving,” he says. “He had been just with one guy but he knew better than me what he was doing. In practice, I mean. And I felt like it. Later I was curious about being on the giving end but, I don’t know. There’s something about receiving for me…” he confesses, biting his lip and laughing. Brendon looks at him out of the corner of his eye, biting his own smile before going back to the pictures.

“I see…” he says, still smiling as he looks at the pictures. “Is that you?” he asks then, looking at Ryan and going back to the picture on his hand. “That was your nanny?”

Ryan feels his stomach turning upside down when he sees the picture. He knew those photos were there but he had forgotten about them while telling stories and laughing. It’s not that he doesn’t want to see them; he totally wants and wants Brendon to do it too. It just catches him off guard.

“No… That is, was, my mom,” he says after a few seconds, his voice softer. Brendon brings a hand to his mouth fast, blushing hard.

“I’m sorry,” he looks at the picture again as he gets redder. “I didn’t know she… She is. Wow”

“It’s okay,” Ryan says, laughing a little and looking for more pictures of him with his mother, putting them on Brendon’s legs so he can see them. “I’m a bit older here,” he says pointing at one of them where he appears with a birthday cake and his mom smiling right beside him. The other one shows him smiling with two missing teeth and his mother hugging him from behind.

“You look a lot like her,” Brendon says softer, laughing when he looks at Ryan. “It’s a shame you are so pale”

Ryan laughs and looks at him, his eyes turning soft and nostalgic when he looks at the picture again. He doesn’t lose the smile, though, he likes this, remembering his mom, talking about her to Brendon, but he can’t help feeling that hint of rage and resignation for not having her anymore. He’d love seeing his mother showing Brendon Ryan’s ridiculous pictures.

“I got my father’s skin color,” he says pointing at the picture of his fifth birthday. “That picture was a tradition. I don’t remember it so little but when I was, like, six or seven, yeah. Every birthday we took that picture. I have all of them somewhere in here,” he says. “My father hardly ever was at home. He was always on a mission or working. I think I only have one of the three of us. And my mom loved pictures. I didn’t realize until later. She had all these albums and photos all over the house,” he laughs, looking for more pictures and showing them to Brendon. He takes them and watches them all closely.

“These ones have to go on the wall too. If you want, of course,” Brendon says. “Not the originals. We can make copies so these don’t get ruined,” he explains, giving them back to him. Ryan thinks it’s a good idea giving his mother that place. “Then, of course, we’re not putting any picture of my ass. Or if we do, really far away from these”

Ryan laughs and nods looking at him before looking down at the pictures. He watches them in silence for a while with a smile on his face, sighing and swallowing as he remembers. He hasn’t got many memories, to be honest, and some of them are very blurry. Ryan wouldn’t want anything more in this world than having more of them, even if they were just a few. If he had to lose her anyway, he’d have liked it to be later, so remembering her now wasn’t this hard.

“She came from a Navajos family, all of them were native, and that’s why her name was so different. Nascha means owl,” he explains, following his thoughts to an uncomfortable thought. He never talked about this, he wasn’t strong enough to say it out loud, but Brendon feels like a safe place, holding him. “Sometimes… Sometimes I think about it and I think maybe I just have my ten years old idea of my mom, the last one I met and. Then I stop thinking about it because it terrifies me, the idea of not really knowing who my mom was, not seeing her with my eyes but with my ten years old self ones that saw her like a hero,” he says, laughing softly and looking at Brendon. “I’m still that kid somehow, I guess,” he adds, sighing and talking lower. “Some days I wake up and I don’t remember her face or her smile, and I feel so bad. And I go back to these pictures so I can see her”

“Hey,” Brendon leans in to touch Ryan’ shoulder softly before getting closer to him and kiss him on the cheek, hugging him close. “She would have been your fan number one. And not just as Ryan Ross, defenseman of the Hounds. As you. She would have been so, so proud of you, Ryan. Of everything you’ve achieved, of every step you’ve taken, how you’ve become bit by bit in the person you are today,” he says, making him look at him.

Ryan does and he can feel his vision a bit blurred, but his face is calm even though he feels sad and nostalgic inside. It means a lot to him what Brendon just said, more than he could ever explain.

“Yeah…” he nods, squeezing his thigh with his hand. “I wish she could have met you,” he says, smiling.

“She does,” Brendon says, smiling. “But I wish I could have met her”

“I’ll tell you everything I know,” Ryan answers and kisses his forehead, leaning his head in. “I’d like it to be more than it is, but it is great”

“Tell me everything,” he smiles, pulling on him so they lay down on the bed. “And then I’ll tell you whatever you want. You can ask anything”

Ryan tells him everything he remembers, how she was always smiling and never seemed to be mad. He tells Brendon he went with her everywhere because she didn’t like leaving him home alone or with someone babysitting him, and she used to go with him to hockey practice every time she could. He tells him about the times they went to the military base to visit his father when it was his birthday, too, always with a cooked cake that his mother made all by herself even if she said Ryan cooked too.

He always thought his mother knew before him, about him liking guys, and Brendon smiles and says he thinks the same and his mom knew without him telling her, too. Moms just know those things. That makes Ryan remember that time when his mother caught him in her room with one of her necklaces on and with makeup on. Ryan was terrified when he saw his mother at the door looking at him, but she only laughed hard and pulled some heels out and a shirt so he could wear it as a dress.

Brendon laughs, sighing as he hugs him and kisses him softly. He says he’s sure everything looked good on him, but his voice sounds somehow broken as he talks. Ryan just laughs too and nods.

“Of course,” he answers, joking. “But I told her I didn’t want to be a girl. I was a boy even though I was wearing girl’s clothes. And she said I could be whatever I wanted,” he tells him, sighing. “I remember that as if it was yesterday. That’s what makes me think she would have been with me no matter who I liked, men, women or both”

“You are old-fashioned. Guys can wear heels too. I wear them good,” Brendon says, smiling wide. “Your mother was more modern than you”

Ryan laughs softly and looks at him, resting his hand on Brendon’s chest and his chin on them. The thinks as he watches him. They haven’t done this before, sharing their past, and Ryan knows Brendon’s is hurtful, but he wants to know if he keeps happy memories, too.

“Tell me the best memory you have. The nicest one,” he asks him, listening closely. Brendon makes a gesture with his mouth, thinking and closing his eyes before smiling.

“Well… I hope I can describe it well because it is a little blurred on my mind,” he says, biting his lip and breathing in. “I remember running. I was running with a huge smile and my heart beating so hard it was almost like it was gonna explode. And I couldn't see much because there were, like, hundreds of people there, but I kept running even if I slipped a couple of times. I didn’t expect a lot, it was enough for me but, just when I got there and I hugged my boy, he grabbed my face and kissed me. Just like that. Right in front of everyone,” he says, looking at Ryan again and smiling bigger. It takes a few seconds for Ryan to react, but he smiles and leans his forehead on Brendon’s chest, not believing what he’s hearing. “And still today I can’t believe someone loved me enough to do that for me. Hands down the best memory I will ever have”

“That…was totally unexpected,” Ryan laughs, looking up at him with a smile on his face. Brendon shrugs, laughing a little.

“You asked,” he says. “It was pretty easy, to be honest”

“I didn’t think…” he starts, stopping there. He’s surprised by his answer and he can already feel that sensation in his stomach. “I expected a familiar memory, maybe. But not… Maybe I shouldn’t say this but it makes me really happy your nicest memory is with me,” he says, laughing and swallowing. “Actually, if I think about it, I’m sure my nicest one would be with you, too. Even though I couldn’t choose,” he adds. And it’s true, he has a lot of pretty memories with his mom, with Spencer, with his second family, but the ones he’s been collecting with Brendon are a whole other level. What they make him feel, what they mean. It’s more. Much more.

“Yeah?” Brendon smiles surprised and incredulous. “For me, it is, you know, easy. I have good memories, you know? With Cassie, with… Coming here and all that, a lot of things I’ve done. And they make me feel good eve if I cried and it was hard and all that. About family memories…” he laughs, shaking his head a little. “No. Not those. But nice ones, like, pretty ones… Most of them are with you, probably”

Ryan smiles and kisses him on the chest over the fabric of his shirt, searching for his hand and entangling their fingers together. He stays silent for a while, planning how to say the next thing he wants to ask.

“Your family… They were always like this with you?” he asks softly, carefully because he knows that’s a tricky topic. He wants to know, though, he wants to believe there was a happy time for Brendon with his family. He watches him closely, moving his fingers between Brendon’s. He smiles and looks at him softly as he sighs.

“Yeah. I mean…more or less, but yes. Always,” he answers, biting his lip and looking up at the ceiling. “They are…the kind of people that makes you forget religion has good things, you know? It’s like, if you’re not one of them…then you are nothing. And,” he clears his throat when his voice trembles a little. “When you’re little you don’t really notice and you do things without thinking. Or I did. And, well, they had consequences. Later, I tried to adapt, when I grew older and started to understand. But…it’s really hard to deny yourself and even more to someone as… _expressive_ as me. Sooner or later it comes out. But I never did anything in front of them, though. Anything. Not a single touch”

“I’m sorry,” Ryan whispers after a silence, squeezing his hand and sighing. “I…never understood someone wouldn’t want you in their life. Those supposed to be naturally unconditional,” he says, looking at him closer. “Just. If I could change it, I’d do it. Change that way to… Those priorities. I’d do anything because I know it would make you happy”

“No,” Brendon smiles, shaking his head and kissing him on the lips. “Don’t think about that. It’s not… It’s been hard, yeah, but,” he says, sighing. “It made me who I am. And who I am it’s here with you now. I wouldn’t change anything, Ryan, anything, if I’m gonna end up here,” he looks at him, telling him with his eyes what he’s not telling with words. “They being like that, me being like this helped me know that the few people by my side are gonna stay there forever. And that’s all I need”

“Forever,” Ryan nods, leaning his forehead against Brendon’s. “I’m not going anywhere”

Brendon laughs, the feelings getting stuck in his throat before hugging Ryan close to his body and burying the nose on his hair to kiss him under his ear.

“You’re the prettiest thing that ever happened to me,” he murmurs, closing his eyes and hugging him harder. Ryan holds on him with the same strength and sighs, kissing him whenever his lips touch. And he’s willing to do anything so Brendon has the best memories for now on. Ryan loves him that much, and more.

*

Ryan is not a fan of seeing himself on video. He’s not a fan of _making_ a video, to be honest, unless they are playing hockey because you can’t see his face in those ones. However, Brendon insists on seeing the video of him visiting the hockey school in Vegas together, and it’s not like Ryan can say no to him. Also, that way he can tell him about the school a little.

He sees himself being awkward the first minutes, with his Hounds jersey on. He seems even bigger next to some kids, so little he has to bend down so he could hear them. Obviously, the video is shorter than the visit was, but it shows him teaching a kid how to grab the stick or bending down to hug a kid who was crying after falling down, Z next to him grabbing the kid’s hand.

“I have to give them some credit, actually,” Brendon says from the couch, smiling crookedly. “You two look good together”

Ryan looks at him with a lifted eyebrow and laughs incredulous, frowning. He didn’t think about him and Z looking good together. She’s his PR, his friend. It doesn’t seem right. Also, he doesn’t look at her like that, surprisingly enough.

“Z and I?” he asks, making sure they’re talking about the same thing. “Really? Um. I don’t know, I didn’t think about it. It’s a bit weird, isn’t it?”

“Weird?” Brendon laughs still looking at the screen, shrugging. “I don’t know. I say it as a spectator. I think it makes sense they think you’re together. I mean, you look like you get along, you two are beautiful. It makes sense”

Ryan looks at him and shrugs even though he doesn’t think it makes sense, maybe because he’s not seeing it as a spectator. He laughs as he says ‘if you say so…’, telling Brendon he’s more beautiful, just because. Brendon agrees with him but doesn’t look away from the TV, changing the topic and talking about the kids. Both of them laugh hard when Spencer falls down trying not to knock down a group of kids.

Ryan reminds it to him when he sees him a couple of weeks later when the season begins. He dodges a good smack on the head but hits his elbow with his locker instead, so he’s punished anyway. It feels good going back to practice. It’s different, the team, his teammates, the feeling. He can’t help but notice that something’s off in the atmosphere, anyway, he doesn’t really know what it is. He decides not to think about it, though, and guesses it is because of going back to the routine.

The NHL world cup begins in a few weeks and he and four teammates will play with the USA team, so he has to be focused on that. They will practice with the Hounds a couple of weeks before traveling to Canada for another two. They’ll go back to work in Chicago right after that and he really hopes they can repeat last year’s achievement.


	9. Defamation

 

 

 

Ryan is at the stadium. He won't be back until late because he has a press conference with the rest of the team and Z is there too just in case someone asks something about their relationship. His and Brendon's, he guesses, because the way things are going lately they could also ask Ryan about his relationship with Z. Jacky is working at his agency and Amanda is showing two houses today. Jon is at the studio and Cassie is working with the hounds.

Brendon is lying on the couch, looking a the ceiling.

Joanna is sleeping on his chest because he's babysitting her today. Cassie has stopped pretending she really thought Brendon would get a job soon and now she's letting him take care of the kid. Brendon likes it because that way he doesn't spend too much time alone at home. He almost gets a panic attack when Cassie suggested paying him for his services. Maybe he was a little rude when he told her he was Joanna's godfather and that was his duty, not a job.

Brendon is a little irritable lately. Maybe it's because he's getting aware of how his life is slowly reducing to the rooms of his home. He's thinking about going back to Ruben's gym, even if his boxing equipment at home is better. At least that way he would have a reason to do something apart from walking the dogs and making dinner. He's not even in the mood to go to the basement for training anyway.

He could try to find a gym nearby, some place where he could practice some interesting sport maybe. He's sure there's a lot. But Brendon knows there are chances people would recognize him, and just thinking about him makes him want to sink into the couch. Just the idea of some stranger knowing things about his personal life terrifies him.

"Bebo," Joanna calls him. She's just wake up and she looks at him with a sleepy face.

"Tell me, sweetheart," Brendon stands up a little, sitting the kid on his lap, "what is it?"

The little girl points at the television and babbles some words that mean nothing but Brendon understands anyway. He moves to sit better, moving the girl too to face the television, picking up the remote.

"Do you want to watch cartoons? Let's watch some cartoons."

Brendon knows by heart the whole cartoon schedule already. It's been a long time since he watched cartoons and he's got to admit they're pretty entertaining... at least the ones he watches with Joanna. He refuses to make the poor girl those baby things, she's growing up, and Brendon will shoot himself if he has to watch 'Dora The Explorer' one more time.

At least he knows watching cartoons he won't have to hear things he doesn't want to. It's always Ryan and Z, Z and Ryan, Ryan and Z on TV lately. At the stadium, in the car, walking down the street. Brendon wonders if she's still his PR or if she's also his bodyguard too now.

It bothers him. Not that he thinks Ryan could be having an affair with her, but still she's the one by Ryan's side, she's there while Brendon has disappeared. And he understands it, there's no event or awards now where Ryan could bring him along, they're in the middle of the season so Ryan can't go out with him as much as Brendon would like, and it's not like Brendon would go with Ryan to work just because. It's true Ryan hasn't talked about him to the media lately either, so... to the rest of the world, right now it's Z who's with Ryan, not him.

He wouldn't be so bothered if it wasn't for the things they say. Everybody knows she's Ryan's PR, but that only made them talk about romance at work. And everybody seems to love her too. A Stanford Cum Laude graduate, she raised quickly to the top because how good she was. Before working for Ryan, she was a PR for a Chicago Bulls player.

Brendon knows more about that woman thanks to the TV that to herself. And he knows he shouldn't be reading and watching those things if they make him angry, but he just can't help it. They're talking about his life, he can't just stay there pretending he doesn't care. It's not like he can do anything else apart from getting mad because Z is the one who should tell them how to deal with these things and it seems like she doesn't care about it.

"I'm f...freaking pissed, Jacky," Brendon says, looking at Joanna and making a face. The girl laughs before looking back at the TV. "They just announced a show promising 'exciting news' about defenseman Ryan Ross and the mystery woman." Brendon explains, huffing and putting his feet up the couch. "They're not even talking about cheating anymore. Now they're treating her like she's the only one that exists."

"It's not so unusual. In the end, Ryan's world is homophobic. The moment they saw the opportunity of erasing his relationship with a man, they took it. It's just marketing, B. Talking about her sells more than talking about you, specially if there's cheating involved."

"Yeah, but..." Brendon sighs and hears Jacky laughing at the other end of the phone. "I don't prefer them talking about me, but..." he says with half a voice.

It's not that. Brendon doesn't want them to talk about him because every time they do is just to remind everyone how Ryan is taking care of him like a charity. And it hurts Brendon every time because, somehow, it's true. He would have nothing right now if it weren't because of Ryan. But he doesn't want everybody to think his relationship with Ryan is non-existan either, he doesn't want them to think Ryan has a relationship with Z instead. He's tired of hearing how good they look together, what a nice couple they make, how Z is so much worth it. He almost prefer to hear them talk about how little he is worth it instead of that.

He can't tell Jacky all of that, of course. He wouldn't understand. Brendon knows when you tell those things to people they try to make it better telling you that's stupid and you really are worth it and all of that. Bullshit. Brendon knows the theory. Hearing it over and over again won't make him know how to put it into practice, though.

He finishes talking with Jacky, not even listening anymore because that's what he does when conversations stop being interesting. He just nods and says he understands and he won't think about it too much, hanging up and letting the phone fall from his hand to the couch. He lies down again, leaving Joanna sitting on his stomach, happily watching cartoons. When Cassie finally arrives, Brendon sighs with relief. It means Ryan won't take too long to come home too.

He's late. More than usual. And Brendon closes his eyes because he can't believe he's thinking what he's thinking. He's getting paranoid. He should ask Ryan if Elisa can have patients outside the team. When Ryan finally arrives, he's smiling big, greeting the dogs before walking to him.

"Hey, handsome," he says, putting down his bag and leaning in to kiss Brendon. That makes him forget about anything he was thinking before, kissing back hard. He almost complains about Ryan coming home late, but he decides to forget about it. It's stupid anyway. Ryan smiles at him when he breaks the kiss, looking at him excited. "I have something for you."

"Donuts? I want donuts," Brendon says, making a face and wrinkling his nose. "It's because of Joanna's cartoons."

"Sorry," Ryan laughs," not donuts," he says, trying to make a sad face but failing. Brendon watches him put his hand in his pocket, getting something from it. "Ready?"

"Come ooooon," Brendon jumps feeling impatience and nervous. He has no idea of what it can be, but he wants anything, even if it's just candy. Ryan laughs again and moves his hand, taking Brendon's and making him grab what he's putting in it.

Brendon's smile fades a little when he looks at his hand, blinking. He doesn't understand it, he doesn't know what it means, why is Ryan giving him some car keys.

And then he gets it, his neck snapping to look up at Ryan, his eyes getting huge. He wants to speak but he just can open and close his mouth, looking back at his hand.

"Ryan..." He says, looking at him once again, this time feeling his stomach twisting. Ryan is looking at him with his lip between his teeth, waiting.

"Well, what? Don't you want to go see it?" He asks, and he almost looks more impatience than Brendon for a minute.

Brendon runs to the door right then, so fast the dogs run after him too, thinking something happened. He screams, telling Ryan he's stupid and he didn't need to do that, but also to tell him where it is. He doesn't need the answer, though, because when he turns around the corner, the car is right there. Brendon opens his eyes huge and laughs almost hysterically while he walks around the car, a Tesla model S. It's perfect. He would have never thought about buying this car, but now that he's got it right there he can see it's perfect. Perfect and red. Brendon laughs, knowing everybody will think he's an asshole if he's driving a red car, and that makes him happy for some reason. He looks at Ryan with a big smile before opening a door and starting looking at the insides, the back seats, the trunk.

"Tell me it's four-wheel drive," he says, making a gesture towards Ryan when he gets in the car, telling him to join him in the passenger seat. Ryan is still laughing when he gets in too, raising an eyebrow and looking at him. 

"What do you think?" he asks. Brendon laughs, grabbing him by the nape of his neck and pulling him in for a kiss.

"All the extras?" he asks, kissing Ryan again, grunting and shaking his head. "I should kill you..." he says, starting the engine and hearing the motor roar. "Have you drive it? Fuck, of course you have, you brought it here. How is it? Is it smooth? Wait, no, don't tell me. Let me..." He nods to himself, touching the upholstery, then looking at Ryan again. "Are you crazy? How did you buy me this car??"

Ryan lets out a loud laugh, tilting his head back before looking at Brendon, shrugging with a smile still on his face.

"I saw it and thought: I bet he loves it. I couldn't not buy it!" he says. "I had looked for some others, I won't lie, but this one had your name on it. I wan't wrong, was I?"

Brendon shakes his head no, taking his hands away from the perfect upholstery and putting them somewhere even more perfect. He gets on top of Ryan easily because the car is huge on the inside, laughing against his mouth before kissing him, shaking his head again and pushing him against the seat when he bites his mouth.

"I hate it. It's awful," he says, biting his own lips and looking at Ryan. "Tell me the truth, you got it with automatic parking system because you don't trust me with it."

Ryan laughs again, making a face and putting his arm around Brendon's waist, smiling innocently.

"Weeeeeell, I might have thought about it..." He says, laughing then. "I'm kidding. I let you drive mine, don't I? I trust you."

"Or you're crazy," Brendon laughs, pushing his body closer to Ryan's, taking one of his hands down to the side of the seat, looking for something while he kisses Ryan's jaw, pressing his nose to Ryan's cheek. "Thank you. It's perfect. You're perfect. The car too. Everything," he says, laughing soft before opening his mouth and biting Ryan's jaw, finding what he was looking for and making the seat lean back. Ryan laughs a little. "You're coming for a ride with me later. But now... let me thank you properly."

 

*

 

Ryan buying him that car makes Brendon think about the way to pay him back. He's not feeling guilty or anything because, even if he would have never bought such an expensive car, he could have. He could, he has the money for it, so he's not going to think about it as charity. Also, who buys a fucking Tesla as charity? No. He's not going to think about that. He prefers to think about Ryan's birthday coming up, the perfect opportunity to return the gesture. The first thing he thinks about is a surprise party, but he knows Ryan is really introverted so he may not like that. He prefers to just ask him and do things right.

Since he doesn't need to organize a secret party, he spends his time thinking about the present. It would be easy choosing something hockey related, but Brendon is not sure he has enough knowledge to buy Ryan something really useful for hockey. He could also buy him something silly for the dogs and he knows Ryan would appreciate it, but Brendon wouldn't be able to buy something like that while he has a car parked in the garage.

He blushes a little when he thinks about the other option. He knows couples do it, buying each other jewelry like bracelets, necklaces, and watches, and Brendon would love for Ryan to wear something his. He doesn't like any of those things, though. What Brendon wants for Ryan is a ring. He knows, yeah, what a ring usually means and that's not his intention because they've been together for less than a year and he doesn't want to scare Ryan away. But he wants to buy him a ring, he'll think about the explanation later.

At the jewelry shop, he chooses a piece that's part of a collection of engagement rings for men. It's a plain thick white golden band with a diamond and a ruby in the middle. He knows Ryan won't notice it's an engagement ring because not many men wear them anyway. Brendon isn't doing it for any particular reason, he just likes the ring. He wants Ryan to have something to remember him when they're not together.

He asks them to engrave the date of the day Ryan won the Stanley Cup, the first time they kissed in public. Brendon would have wanted to use their anniversary date but their relation started in such a confusing way he's not sure what date would that be. The first kiss seems to be the appropriate date, at least for Brendon.

It's the moment he walks out of the shop when he sees it, the tattoo parlor. It's like it's there for him, so Brendon doesn't waste his time and just walks in. He's got an idea and he knows the only way to get it out of his head is doing it. His mouth gets a little dry when he shows the tattoo artist his inner forearm and him for an owl to cover all the virgin skin there. They design it together and Brendon sighs in relief when the guy says they can do it right the day before Ryan's birthday. Brendon wants it to be as close as possible because he knows Ryan would get suspicious if Brendon didn't get naked in front of him for a long time.

Brendon smiles wide the first time the needle pierces his skin and the lines begin to take form, fitting perfectly between his tree with broken branches and the flowers already there on his arm. It's all in black except for the ruby red eyes of the owl, surrounded by shiny white to make them sparkle. Brendon may not have a ring like Ryan, but he will wear his on his skin forever.

Planning the party is easy, Brendon's always been good at making people have a good time. He doesn't take much time thinking about inviting Jacky and Amanda as he takes thinking about inviting Z. He does, he invites her in the end because, in the end, she's Ryan's friend. Also, it would be awkward seeing her after the birthday knowing he didn't invite her.

Spencer is the first to arrive, along with Linda, and after them comes Tom and some other teammates. Cassie has left Joanna with her mom, but she says she won't stay long anyway, she doesn't like leaving her baby girl with someone else while she has fun. Brendon misses her a little, but he knows there's too much alcohol for this party to have a toddler wandering around.

Ryan is walking up and down, smiling and greeting everyone, his teammates, Brendon's friends, Tom and Jon who seems to have gotten along really well, and the girls too. Z mostly stays with the guys of the team, but she doesn't seem worried about small talk, she's a resourceful woman. Wherever Ryan goes, he always ends up passing Brendon, sometimes kissing him, sometimes just winking at him.

When everyone is already there, Brendon reunites them around the main table, making a silent gesture at Cassie so she distracts Ryan while he goes to the kitchen. Amanda helps him to bring the cake to the room because he can't hold it just by himself. He should have known ordering a wiener dog cake sixty inches long wasn't the best idea if he had planned to carry the cake by himself. At least he's happy all the candles, one for each year, fit without problem on it, and he laughs satisfied when everybody sings happy birthday to Ryan while they're entering the room.

Ryan smiles like a six-year-old who just got the bike he always wanted, laughing when he sees the cake and saying how awesome it is before blowing the candles, saying he loves it over and over again. Brendon needs to remember the name of the bakery because he's never tried a dog-cake so delicious.

He starts to get nervous when the time to bring the gifts comes, rubbing his kind of itchy arm and feeling the tiny box hidden in his front pocket. Spencer is the first, of course, to give Ryan a gift, and Brendon is glad Linda has picked the gift along with him too because God knows what Spencer alone would have chosen. It's a monkey lamp. Brendon blinks before forgetting all he thought about Linda being good at gift choosing. Ryan seems to love it, though, so Brendon doesn't say a thing about it. The rest of gifts are hockey related things because you can't miss buying Ryan something hockey related. He really hopes he didn't miss with his choice either.

"I was a little daring..." Z says when it's her time, placing a perfect wrapped box in front of Ryan. "And I hope I didn't fail, but going for the safest bet was never my thing. I like taking risks," she adds, winking at Ryan and moving the box towards him. He laughs and shakes his head.

"You didn't need to bother," he says while he opens the gift, ripping the paper to find a fine leather box. Brendon watches him frown before opening it, his eyes becoming huge when he sees the watch inside. "Wow," he says, laughing and looking at Z to thank her, looking at the watch closer this time. "Honestly, it's awesome. Thank you, Z."

"My pleasure," she says, and Brendon can see how some of Ryan's teammates smile sideways. Somehow now the box in his pocket burns his skin, and Brendon can feel his blood pressure rising. He looks at the watch and he's not sure about how much would that cost but it looks like one of those worth Brendon's college loans.

"I guess I'm the only one left," he says, clearing his throat and getting closer to Ryan while he feels his cheeks getting warmer. He puts his hand in his pocket, grabbing the box hard before getting it out and leaving it over the table, still covered by his hand. "Actually, I had no idea what to buy you," he confesses, letting out a nervous laugh and looking at Ryan, who looks back at him warm and understanding, "because I know you love hockey but I was sure your friends would buy you things ten times better than mine. And, as I can see, I'm sure you won't need anything else hockey related until your next birthday," he jokes, chewing at his bottom lip. "But then I thought, well, you had won the Stanley Cup, right? And you have, well, you have your champion ring. But you can't wear that becuase Cassie told me how much it costs and..." He laughs, nervous, making a face and feeling his heart racing when he uncovers the box. Ryan eyes open wide. "I thought.. since that date was really important, you should have something else to remember it, something you could wear. That's why it has that date engraved it on the inside. And... I hope you like it."

Ryan looks at the box and then looks at him with his eyes wide open, biting his lips before he lets out a nervous laugh, moving his hands to pick up the box. His face changes when he sees the ring, his cheeks getting pink at the same time his mouth open in awe. He almost looks like he's going to say something, but he closes his lips again while he gets the ring out, looking at it closely.

"Bren..." He mutters, looking at him and laughing short, putting the ring on one of his fingers and looking at it before he gets up and walks to Brendon. "It's beautiful. I love it, really, it's..." He laughs again before placing his hands on Brendon's cheeks, kissing him with a thank you whispered on his lips.

"You like it for real?" Brendon asks excited, smiling like an idiot and looking down. "Actually, I have something else for you... But I'll give you that in private..." he says, closing his eyes and shaking his head when he hears the whistles and laughs, especially Tom and Jacky grunting and making suggestive noises. "It's not that. It's not sex. If sex was a birthday gift that would be really sad, and you thinking like that makes me pity your girlfriends," Brendon says, and Jacky laughs while Tom just keep doing it.

"If it's not sex, why don't you give it to him here in front of everyone?" Tom asks, and Brendon is sure Tom would like if Brendon gave it to Ryan in front of everyone if it was sex too. Brendon looks at Ryan, feeling a little unsure for a moment, now that he's right there in front of him. He rubs his nose, breathing deep.

"You want it now? It's... I hope you like it," he says, feeling his legs getting weak.

"I'm sure I will. You can give it to me whenever you want," Ryan says, raising his voice then, looking at Tom. "Don't let that asshole get to you. He's just nosy."

"I know," Brendon laughs, breathing again and letting it out, trying to relax while he unbuttons the cuffs of his shirt. "Actually, well... It's not like..." He makes a face, rolling up his left sleeve. "It's not... I can't _give_ it to you, but..." He bites his lips hard and he almost feels terrified when he rolls the sleeve all the way up, showing his tattoo to Ryan. "I... I had to."

Ryan looks down and if Brendon thought Ryan's eyes were huge before, now it looks like they're popping out. He looks up at Brendon for a minute, asking him softly if it is what he thinks it is, if it means what he thinks it means.

"I know how much important she is to you. And, if she's important to you, she's important to me," he says, touching the still not healed skin. "I feel like I owe her having you here with me today, I owe her the best thing in my life... and I wanted to honor it somehow. With your blessings," he adds, swallowing down and waiting for Ryan's answer. Ryan's eyes are shinier now, and he's staring at Brendon while he swallows, visibly shaken.

"I love you," Ryan says and his voice cracks, closing the distance between them and hugging him hard, burying his face in Brendon's neck. "So much, Bren. It's... It means so much to me that you..." Ryan's words get muffled in Brendon's neck so only he can hear them, but Ryan doesn't finish the sentence anyway, he just breathes deep, thanking him once and again.

Brendon laughs and hugs him closer, whispering 'I love you's agains his skin, hearing how his friends start clapping and whistling at them again. It's easy to forget they're in public when he and Ryan get in they're personal bubble, but Brendon is able to break it, looking at him and kissing him soft before moving apart so they can keep on with the party.

 

*

 

It's funny how something that wasn't there before becomes crucial in Brendon's life. Taking care of his tattoo is almost a daily ritual: washing it, putting on some cream, controlling the way it's healing. It calms him, looking at it, like having it on his skin makes him feel safe somehow. He needs it, that calm.  He needs it to relax, or he's going to get crazy.

"You need to get out of that house," Cassie says, and Brendon knows she's right. "Get out and stop looking at the TV screen."

Brendon knows that too. He knows he starting to watch too many shows where they talk about Ryan, read too many articles, look for blogs, watch pictures and pictures and pictures, type Ryan's name on Google too many times. At first he was able to convince himself he was just doing it for the laughs, to see what was the new rumor. Now he has to admit it's becoming toxic. He's getting obsessed.

That's the problem of faking being strong for so many years, sometimes he forgets he's not strong at all. Criticism hurt Brendon, it hurts him a lot. Every important decision he's made in his life he didn't do it because he was brave, it was the other way around. He can't stand it, the disdain, the humiliation. It makes him go back to those times hiding in his room wondering if it was true that God didn't love him so no one would either. It makes him go back to that empty feeling, to think he's alone in the world.

"The last magazine I read had made a ranking of girls Ryan had been with in the last few years, comparing them with Z," Brendon says, laughing a little when he hears Cassie sigh tired at the other end of the line. "I didn't know Ryan knew so many models. So many blonde models."

"Brendon..."

"I'm kidding! Come on, Cassie, I... I trust Ryan," he says, laughing because it's totally true. Brendon trusts Ryan like he's never trusted anyone in his life. "Also, have you looked at me? He's not leaving me for Z. I have a much better ass, and I bet I'm better at sucking cock too. Also, I'd be hot as a blond."

"Ryan loves you, B," Cassie says, not following Brendon's jokes no matter how much Brendon tries to drag her in.

"I know he loves me," he nods, sighing a little with half a smile. He's sure of it. "I was just talking with you about it, okay? It's funny, just that. They thinking they're together just because she's blonde and pretty and important in her field and..."

"Ryan loves you, Brendon," Cassie says again, and Brendon is going to repeat that he knows, but Cassie adds, "and you deserve that love."

Brendon didn't want to stop talking, but his throat closes suddenly. Maybe because he wasn't expecting it or maybe because Cassie can read him further than he himself can. And he swears he wasn't thinking about that, it's not what he thinks about every time he hears journalist, tv hosts, whoever, talking about how good Z is, how well Ryan chose her, how it's understandable he fell for someone like her if he had at home someone like Brendon. He wants to believe it, but there's a lump forming in his throat and suddenly he can't swallow.

"Brendon," Cassie calls him, because he's staying in silence for too long now, and he's saying too much. "You know it, right? You know you deserve Ryan's love." She doesn't ask, she's saying it, and Brendon wants to say yes, of course he knows, but his chest tightens and he can just laugh short. He shakes his head and tries to swallow. He swallows again. The lump is still there. "Brendon. I want to hear you say it. I want you hear you say you deserve Ryan's love."

"Cassie..." He knows she can hear him smile, and he knows she can hear him beg in that smile. He can't. He can't say it. "Come on..."

"Brendon, say it," Cassie repeats, her voice firm but also worried. "Even if right now you don't believe it, say it. Please. Say it until it makes sense in your head. Say it until you believe it. Because God knows a lot of people wants you to think otherwise. And we can't let them win, Brendon." Cassie’s voices shakes a little, and it makes Brendon shake too.

"...I deserve Ryan's love," he says, laughing a little because it sounds ridiculous, rubbing one of his eyes because he is stupid.

"Again," Cassie orders, making him huff, but she doesn't let him complain. "I'm serious, Brendon."

"I deserve his love, okay? I deserve Ryan's love," he says, pressing his lips together, tightening his jaw. And something moves inside him, something that makes his throat hurt but his chest feel less heavy. A few tears fall from his eyes when he huffs, saying it again. "I fucking deserve it."

 

*

 

Ryan's leaving to Canada. And not just for a couple of days, but for at least two weeks. It's the hockey world's championship and Brendon guesses Ryan has said something about it some time before now, because he's sure Ryan wouldn't just announce he's leaving like this. Brendon admits he's been a little out lately, but that doesn't help him feeling less empty when Ryan says he's going to miss him and he wishes Brendon could come with him. Brendon wants to ask why can't he go, but he doesn't. Ryan is working there, not on vacations. He's going to play the world's championship. Brendon understands it.

He follows Ryan around the house like a zombie, watching him pick up the things he will need, helping him pack because Ryan is kind of a mess when it comes to things unrelated to hockey. The dogs know what it's happening, because they give Ryan puppy eyes and Zeppelin even howls a little, pushing against Ryan and trying to get his head under Ryan's arm, demanding cuddles.

"Do you want me to keep the ring?" Brendon asks when Ryan's bags are already at the door, holding his hand and squeezing them. It's true Z didn't say anything about the ring, so probably that means no one is going to think about what it means, but Ryan is leaving the country, going to Canada to play with international teams, so maybe he doesn't want them to misunderstand things. There will be European teams and Europe is much more liberal than the States, maybe there is usual for gay men to wear engagement rings, Brendon wouldn't know.

Ryan looks at his hand, making a face and thinking about it before sighing.

"Yeah, you better keep it... Every time I leave with the team I end up losing something, and this is too important to lose it," he says, letting go Brendon's hands and taking off the ring. Brendon holds his breath watching the ring slide off, and keeps his eyes fixed on it because he's not sure he'll be able to stand still if he doesn't. Ryan moves his hands to his own neck, taking off the silver chain he wears with a couple of military plates, a little silver hockey skate, and a round plate with his mom's name. "Take care of it for me, will you?"

Brendon nods, reaching with his hands so Ryan gives him the jewelry. He knows how important that chain is, the plate with Nascha's name was hers and Ryan kept it when she passed away. Still, it's hard for him not to feel a knot in his stomach when the ring touches his hand.

He kisses Ryan goodbye, more needy that he should, hugging him hard too, his fist holding Ryan's belongings. He says over and over again how much he's going to miss him, and since his life just revolves around Ryan lately, Brendon is sure he will indeed miss him like crazy. He'd like to go with him, drive him to the airport. He doesn't know why he doesn't, though. Ryan didn't ask him to, so Brendon didn't suggested it. So he just hugs him, trying to keep the feeling stored in his mind so he can survive without it these upcoming days.

When Ryan closes the door behind him, Brendon stays there, looking at it for a while, feeling the silence becoming present around him. The dogs are sad, lying next to the door, waiting for Ryan to come anytime soon. Brendon looks at the ring and touches it, thiking about wearing it for a moment, as well as the chain, keeping it close to his body.

He doesn't. He can't because he doesn't think he can handle watching the ring on his hand everyday and thinking Ryan isn't wearing it. It's a weird feeling, because Ryan has just wear it for a few weeks and Brendon had that magic idea of him never taking it off, he though Ryan would always keep it with him. It's absurd, because he was the one who asked Ryan if he wanted to leave it behind, but he has to admit a tiny part of him hoped Ryan would say no, he wouldn't take it off no matter what.

He looks at his tattoo, the red and white of the owls eyes, thinking about how he wouldn't be able to get Ryan off his skin even if he wanted to. He doesn't want to. Ryan is where he needs to be, where he belongs.

Brendon goes upstairs to his room, opening one of the drawers and putting the jewelry inside the ring's box. He puts the ring in its and looks at it for the last time before closing it, sighing. Ryan doesn't need that chain to remember his mom, and he doesn't need that ring to remember him. Every weird thought running through his head is bullshit, and Brendon should laugh at himself for thinking such stupid things.

He goes down again and thinks about walking the dogs, but they all seem too sad to be in the mood for playing. He could go to Cassie's or call one of his friends, go out for a drink. He looks at the TV and bites his lips, knowing he shouldn't do what he's thinking. Going to Cassie's would be the best option because she always manages to make him come to his senses.

He lowers his head defeated while walking to the couch, letting himself fall on it and grabbing the remote, surfing channels to check if there's something new concerning him. He sighs when it's nothing there, pulling at the corner of his lips when press the menu button and select the video he's seen more times than he would admit out loud.

On the screen a bunch of people talk about the awards celebrated in Vegas, right before Ryan appears. Brendon smiles when he sees him, the background voice explaining defenseman Ross and captain Smith went to their old hockey rink to visit the youngest players there and spend the day playing with them. Brendon watches him skating with the kids, sometimes kneeling on the ice to talk to the little ones. Ryan helps them use the stick, teaches them and celebrates when they do it right like they're the best in the world. He looks gorgeous, with his red cheeks and his messy hair. Z looks good blushed too, it matches the color of her lips, and she smiles every time she talks to Ryan.

Brendon tilts his head to the side, paying attention to the details, the way she touches him, the way they laugh, the way they both make such a good team teaching the kids while Spencer looks like it's his first time in a hockey rink. Brendon smiles. It's true, they make a good couple even if Ryan can't see it. Ryan was never the best to catch things like that. But it's true what people say, they look good together. Two gorgeous people, young, successful... and straight. He wonders if Ryan would have fallen for Z if he wasn't in the picture, if his life would be easier now. The magazines say she's Ryan's type, and Brendon thinks she's anyone's type, actually.

"Tell me, Nascha..." Brendon whispers, touching his tattoo, his eyes welling up, "if we both could make him equally happy, would you prefer her or me?"

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, first of all, thank you guys so much for still reading this story even after the unannounced break we took, I can't even begin to explain how much it means to us. As you can see, things are getting a little bit darker, especially with Brendon, so if you have any question about his thoughts and behavior, just ask. I'd like to warn you that it might get a little bit darker for now on, so I hope you still like it. Anyway, thanks again, love you guys so much! -R
> 
> P.S: Btw, Nascha means owl, Ryan says that to Brendon in previous chapters, so Brendon's tattoo represents Ryan's mom, in case you were wondering.


	10. Blind interview

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yay! finally, I can post this. I know it's been a while and I'm really sorry about it... Hopefully, things will be less busy for me from now on and I can keep going with this without making you guys wait for so long. Anyway, always thank you for being there and I hope you keep liking this story. I'm in love with the characters just like the first time. xo. X.

Ryan will never understand why they’re not allowed to bring people to this kind of things. Or well, he does, he understands they need to be focused and people can be distracting sometimes, also personal issues can clearly affect your performance on the ice. So they’re not allowed to bring their significant other to the championship, and Ryan doesn’t like that.

During the championship, they’re not allowed to do much and their activities are mostly meetings to talk about motivation, strategy, and working out at the gym. They also walk around the place with and have relaxing sessions and a lot of shit that makes Ryan’s day be fully complete.

It’s bullshit. Brendon doesn’t make him lose the focus. Quite the opposite, he makes him want to work harder, be better, and sometimes he has thought about hiring him as his personal physio to have the perfect excuse. But he thinks Brendon will never accept it.

It’s been just two days since they’re in Canada and he already misses him. He misses the way he makes the house seems crowded just being there, his constant smile, even though it’s been hard to see it lately. He misses talking with him and cuddling at night. And that’s why anytime he has the time or people are not looking at him, he writes to him. Saying to Brendon he misses him or just sending smiley faces.

Ryan has never done this before, taking his attention away from something related to hockey just to talk to someone, but Brendon isn’t just anyone, and Ryan knows he doesn’t really need to pay attention. Brendon always answers fast, telling him he misses him too and sending pics of the dogs or a lot of hearts and smiley faces that always make Ryan smile like an idiot.

They play the first match tomorrow, against Europe, one of the three teams in their group. The other two are Canada and the Czech Republic. Ryan knows it’s hard to get classified because they are strong teams.

They have to play one match with every one of them and, at the end, the two teams leading the group will go to semi finals and they’ll play against the two classifieds of group B. Sweden, Russia, North America and Finland are part of that group, and Ryan knows it’s going to be an interesting tournament. A lot of players are his teammates in the NHL and he knows they’re really good at it, so the USA must play with all they have. The final match is at the end of September and the best of three matches will be the winner.

He goes to bed early that night, something that’s almost a must the day before a match. Ryan has to see the physio right before going to bed and he can’t stop thinking about Brendon during the session, because he would do it so much better. So, when he goes to his hotel room he writes him to tell him just that and Brendon just answers ‘I know’, making him laugh.

Luckily for him, he doesn’t have to share the room with anyone during his days in Toronto, and that makes it easier for him to relax after taking a shower and lay down in a too big and empty bed. It’s not that he doesn’t like the company, he enjoys his teammates, but it’s not like they’re friends. Also, things are not like before now that everything’s public. Since everyone knows about his bisexuality, not a lot of them want to treat him like before, much less sharing the room.

Ryan doesn’t care. He’s not worried at all. They are players he’s not gonna see again once the world championship ends, so he won’t have to share a locker room with them and this won’t affect their play on the ice. Ryan is fine how he is, and he talks with Brendon for a while before saying good-night and going to bed.

 

*

 

The match is in a tie when it’s just four minutes away from its end, and they are suffering. Ryan feels the locks of his hair soaked with sweat, sliding down his face and neck as he watches closely the puck on the ice, trying to guess the next move so he can take it from his European opponent. He lets him skate closer to his defensive zone and then goes for it, getting his stick in the middle and crashing against the man with force.

They both fight for the puck for a few seconds until Ryan gets it and then he throws it against the wall so it can reach Spencer where he’s waiting for it. He catches it and skates fast towards the other end of the rink, trying to look for scoring. He can’t and they stay fighting for it during the rest of the match even if Europe gets to be better.

They’re more confident, stronger, and the USA just tries to survive to the match as the minutes go by, so much Ryan almost sighs out of relief when they get to the end. They get to take a break for a few minutes before they go back to the overtime. It’ll end when one of the two teams scores.

It ends up being fifteen minutes longer as both teams give everything they have to win, the game turning more desperate and aggressive. Ryan has to stay in a penalty for two minutes and they’re the longest he has ever felt on the ice before he has to get back to the rink. In the end, it’s Spencer the one who scores and makes the USA win.

All of them gather in the middle of the rink in a group hug celebrating after one of the hardest matches Ryan has ever played. They still have a lot to do, but their effort deserves the celebration.

After taking off all the protections and taking a shower, Ryan is really happy he doesn’t have to talk to the press. It was one of the conditions of the Hounds so he could go play with the national team. He won’t talk to the press more than three times and all those with the presence of Z, who’s in charge of the questions and will try them to be sport related.

So he just sees her when they play -and lose- the second match against Canada. They need to win the next one that way if they want to play the semifinals. Ryan sees Z when she walks down the corridor towards the lockers room, greeting her with a smile and talking to her for a while. Ryan realizes some of his teammates give them looks, especially staring at Z with no shame at all.

Z does the same, though, and Ryan has to laugh and lift an eyebrow when he sees her staring at one of his teammate’s ass.

“I’m sure he won’t mind if you want to look closer,” he says, making Z smile sharp.

“Maybe some day I’ll ask you for a favor, for every headache you’re giving me,” she jokes, making Ryan give her a look. “Aw, you jealous, honey? Don’t worry, your ass is still better than his. Tell me if you don’t mind me looking a little closer”

Ryan laughs again as he shakes his head. He’s getting used to this kind of comments coming from Z because this is not the first one he gets, but he’s not really sure if she’s serious or not, to be honest.

“Is that an invitation?” he asks, trying to follow the joke but more curious than anything. Z lifts an eyebrow and laughs short, his eyes turning more suggesting.

“Addressed and everything,” she says, shrugging. “You have my number”

Ryan feels his cheeks get hotter and he’s glad he is still hot from the match because he knows Z won’t let it go if she sees him blushing. He laughs and looks at her with an apology written on his face.

“I’m sorry, Z, I’m married,” he says, keeping his smile on as he shakes his head. Z sighs and rolls her eyes, but she still smiles.

“I know, I know. To mister perfect Urie,” she says, and Ryan nods because, yes, that describes him pretty well. Perfect. “Well, I’m not jealous. Just so you know,” she laughs, pointing at the locker room with her head. “Go to take that shower before I get you naked myself”

Ryan walks away still laughing and shaking his head, starting to hear the guys talking about ‘the blond at the door’ while he gets into the lockers room. If he’s lucky, Z will find someone to distract herself with. He feels flattered by her intentions, but he feels awkward when he receives compliments and Z is too forward for his shyness, as much as he’s used to it.

The press conference is not that bad and, surprisingly, just one person asks about the rumors of his relationship with his PR. Ryan answers just what they decided to say, that the rumors are all lies and he’s happy and stable in his current relationship, adding that he won’t say anything more about it. The next questions are about the defeat and the next matches, some of them answered by him and some by Spencer next to him. After forty-five minutes they end the conference and get out of there, Ryan saying goodbye to Z, who doesn’t have to come back until semifinals.

“Tell me the truth,” Spencer murmurs as they walk towards the bus taking them to the hotel, with a smile on. “You’d fuck her, don’t tell me you wouldn't. She’s your type”

“I’m with Brendon, Spence… who do you think I am?” he answers and his friend just rolls his eyes and nods.

“Yeah, yeah. No, I meant if you weren’t with Brendon,” he says, smiling crookedly. “Even I’ve seen she’s hot, although I don’t look any woman who’s not my Linda”

“So you don’t look at any woman who's not Linda, huh?” Ryan says, smiling. “What about that redhead at the Stanley Cup? Because I don’t think you looked _away_ from her”

Spencer frowns and swears at him, muttering. He shuts up after that and tells Ryan to fuck off because he sucked the fun of it and he just laughs as he climbs into the bus.

Through the next days, he realizes it’s a recurrent topic, he and Z, and Ryan thought rumors were just a press’ thing but it seems like they’re not the only ones believing them because it doesn’t take long for him to start listening to his teammates’ jokes. Also, he can tell just seeing the way they all look at them.

Ryan starts to feel uncomfortable about it but also offended. He doesn't like being the center of the attention and doesn’t like his teammates thinking he would cheat on Brendon just like that. Some of them even talk as if Brendon didn’t exist and it’s becoming truly upsetting. It’s a few days later, just two days before playing semi finals, when Tom talks to him about it as they watch TV in the hotel hall, both sitting on the couch.

“So,” he starts out of the blue, looking at the screen. “You and Z…?” he doesn’t finish the sentence, but Ryan doesn’t need him to. He knows exactly what he means.

“Really, is it that hard to assume I’m with Brendon?” he asks as he laughs incredulous. Tom looks at him with big eyes, blushing.

“Oh. I didn’t mean that… I mean,” he says, and Ryan sighs and plays it down when he sees Tom getting nervous. He talks again a few seconds later, softer. “I’m sorry. It’s. Everyone says it, you know? The guys have a bet going, they say you will fuck her sooner or later, that compromise is not your thing,” he confesses and Ryan looks at him, surprised. He can see Tom doesn’t like the situation. “Listen, I don’t have any problem, you know I don’t. Brendon is a good guy and I can see you love him. Spencer is not on the bet, by the way. Just… I thought you should know it”

Ryan nods as the info sinks in his brain. He knew some of the guys weren’t exactly on board with him liking guys and he even can understand they think he would fuck Z, given his record. She’s pretty, Ryan’s not blind. But this is different. His friends are betting on him cheating on his partner just because of a pretty face. He can’t help but wonder if they would think the same if Brendon was a girl.

“I see… I guess they don’t believe in my relationship, do they?” he says, laughing a little even if he doesn’t think it’s funny. “Thanks, man. For telling me. And, you know, thinking I’m not the kind of person that cheats on the man he loves. It seems like not many people do,” he adds. Tom smiles at him and just answers he’s got his back. Always.

 

*

 

The day before the semifinals they have the schedule full of meetings, relax, physio and a lot of things that are giving Ryan a headache. He talks to Spencer about the bet, too, and his friend admits he knew about it, but he thinks their teammates are just having fun, they are not serious about it. Ryan just says he doesn’t like them mocking his relationship and he would have liked to know about it before. He’s not mad, not really, and Spencer apologizes, but Ryan avoids him for a while after that.

The day feels like an eternity and his headache just get worse to the point of going to talk to the doctor and take a painkiller. Ryan just wants this day to end and go back to his room, have a shower and lay down in bed. He wants to talk to Brendon because he especially misses him today and he couldn’t talk to him properly these past days, just a few short messages.

When he finally closes his bedroom door, he sighs and feels like he could just fall asleep right there standing in the middle of the room. He just needs Brendon right there with him to feel totally complete. Instead, he has to settle for talking through the phone.

“Ryan!” Brendon’s voice greets him fresh and cheerful, as he was waiting the whole day for this. It makes Ryan smile right then, and it is the first time he does today. “Rat just jumped on top of me. I think she felt you were gonna call,” he laughs and Ryan can hear Rat moving around, probably because Brendon is tickling her.

“Hey, Bren,” he answers as he feels his body relax as if he’s feeling so much better just hearing his voice. He gets comfy under the covers. “I’m sure she’s enjoying having you all for herself. She will even greet me with growls at this point, you’ll see”

“I don’t think so…” Brendon’s voice gets warmer. “She misses you like crazy. We all do”

“I miss you too,” he says with a sigh, sounding tired. “Don’t tell them but I miss you a little more”

“Yeah?” Brendon asks, letting out a soft laugh right after. “It’ll be our secret, then,” he adds, and Ryan can hear him licking his lips and sighing. “Are you having fun?”

“Only when I’m playing, to be honest,” he says laughing a little and playing with the covers while he speaks. “The rest of the time is pretty boring”

“I see…” he says, and his voice sounds weird like he was hiding something. “Are you tired?” Brendon asks then.

“A little. It’s been a long day. I couldn’t wait to get here and talk to you,” he tells him. “I had a headache during the whole day. It’s almost gone now, after painkillers. How about you?”

“Good,” Brendon answers even though he doesn’t sound especially sure of himself. “I fell asleep on the couch last night. I was gonna do the same today. It’s weird sleeping in our bed without you. Too… big”

“Uh-hum,” Ryan nods, laughing. “That’s the first thing I thought when I came here. I try to pretend that you’re here by hugging a pillow, but it’s not the same,” he says, smiling. Brendon laughs too and it sounds more honest this time.

“I’d feel offended if you could replace me with a pillow that easily,” he says with a smile in his voice. “Hey. Can I ask you something?”

“Of course,” Ryan answers, closing his eyes so he can picture him right there. “What’s wrong?”

“I was… uh,” Brendon’s voice sounds lower, hesitant. “I talked to Jacky yesterday. About what they’re saying and all that… He called me, actually. We talked about it before,” he says, explaining himself as he always does when he doesn’t know if it’s okay to say it or not. “Because… Well, because Z said it was better to let things go because saying it isn’t true wasn’t gonna work and all that…” Brendon breathes and Ryan hears him swallow, maybe even wet his lips. “But Jacky says that, well, it seems like some sponsors were talking about stop sponsoring the team because of… you know, us. And the thing about Z has made them stay. So that’s why he thinks they haven’t done anything to deny it. And… well, I just wanted to ask if you knew something about that. I mean, I think is legit, okay? I mean,” he laughs nervously. “I’m not gonna call you on it or anything. I just wanted to know…”

“No…” Ryan doesn’t know what to say to that. He had no idea they were losing sponsors over this and that they decided to stay because of the rumors. He can’t believe it has gotten to that point. “I didn’t know… I had no idea. I don’t, I mean, it’s…” he breathes out, shaking his head and rubbing his face. “I can’t believe it. I can’t believe they’re so… Some days ago I said it wasn’t true during a press conference. I was clear about it, there’s nothing between us. I’m happy with you. I’m starting to get tired of this situation”

“Yeah…” Brendon stays silent for a moment, laughing a little before talking. “About that… I guess you haven’t seen the shows, but there was a guy,” Brendon laughs again. “One of those that analyze body language and he said the way you were talking and all that…” when he talks again, his voice is somehow hidden. “It’s crazy. Everyone… Everyone thinks it’s true now. It’s…” Brendon lets the sentence hanging, laughing breathy again.

“It’s bullshit. And offensive,” Ryan finishes, sighing and staying silent for a few seconds before talking again. “I don’t know what to do to make it stop, honestly… But it’s really annoying,” he says, opening his eyes when a thought crosses his mind. “You know it’s nothing. Not what they say, not anything. You know it, right?” he asks softly. He just wants to hear him say it. Brendon laughs again and it seems like he’s not gonna talk, but he does.

“I know there’s nothing between you two,” he says. He doesn’t sound hesitant, but there’s something in his voice Ryan can’t quite catch. “I mean, I wouldn’t blame you if it was, because…” he laughs again. “No. I know. I trust you, Ryan”

“Okay. Good. That’s good,” Ryan answers with a laugh, sighing and lowering his voice, he doesn’t know why. “Let’s talk about something else, okay? I don’t wanna waste our time talking about silly rumors and stupid people. Tell me about your day”

Brendon stays silent for a few seconds as if suddenly the line went out. Ryan almost can hear him thinking, breathing after a while, but there are no words yet.

“Why don’t you tell me something instead?” he says then, and his voice is different. Lower too. “I’m sure your day has been way more interesting than mine”

Ryan laughs a little and says something about doubting it, but he gives in even though he feels like there’s something going on with Brendon. He doesn’t know what can it be, maybe just a bad day or the previous conversation, but he doesn’t want to think about that now. Ryan just wants to talk to him and let Brendon’s voice to give him strength.

He tells him everything he’s done with the team during the day, the motivational speech, the walk around the hotel, Bob’s meeting and the Russian's videos to know how they play and all that, ending with the relaxation session and the physio. He tells him about his headache too and his relationship with some of his teammates not being that good, so he spends most of his time with Tom and Spencer.

“It sounds like fun,” Brendon says sarcastically before laughing a little. “What would you think about me if I told you I spent the whole day in the house? I let the dogs out in the backyard and… I just stayed here,” he asks, and it doesn’t seem like he’s joking. Ryan frowns as he laughs because that’s not like Brendon at all.

“I’d think you’re ill,” he jokes, smiling but curious. “It’s not like you to stay at home alone for so long. Were the guys busy? Cassie wasn’t there?”

“Cassie…,” Brendon starts but he doesn’t finish the sentence. “Something like that. I haven’t talked to them today, actually. Cassie called before but… Um. I couldn’t answer, and then I forgot. Today has been kind of… weird”

“Hey,” Ryan says, starting to feel worried about the situation because Brendon is acting too weird. “Is everything okay, Bren?”

“Yeah. Yes, don’t worry,” he answers, the smile back on his voice. “It was just today, I promise. I’m gonna… I’ll call Cassie tomorrow. And if I don’t, I think I’m gonna go back to Ruben’s gym. I don’t know, to take a break. Or something”

“Sure, that’s a good idea,” Ryan says, not convinced about the whole situation but letting it go. “Still no luck with the job search?” he asks.

Brendon stays silent again, and this time it really seems like the line went dead. Ryan can’t hear him think or breathe or even just being there.

“…it seems so,” he says when he talks again, sounding a little off. “I thought about… I don’t know, giving up and look for another thing. Anything. Just stop…”

“Hey, come on. Don’t say that,” Ryan says, and he can almost feel his body moving on its own as if it was looking for Brendon next to him. It’s a weird feeling, not being able to touch him, his skin stretching out to find him. “Sooner or later you’ll find something, you’ll see. It’s… this is what you are, Bren. It’s what you like to do”

“Ryan…” Brendon says his name and he sounds tired, defeated. “Ry, I’m not gonna find any physio job,” he says as if he already knew. “It’s… it is what it is. No one wants someone… No one is gonna want me in the locker room, not the real me. The one everyone knows now. There was a reason why I didn’t tell I was gay the day I got in the Hounds,” he adds, laughing a little. “So right now the offers I’m receiving are asking for me to give a kind of massage I’m not gonna accept. And, between that are not working, I guess you understand what do I prefer”

“I know…” Ryan murmurs, making a face. He understands what Brendon’s telling him, and it’s the truth. He can’t help feeling responsible for it, though. In the end, he was the one who decided to kiss him in front of everyone. He knows Brendon wouldn’t have wanted it otherwise, Ryan wouldn’t either, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel like Brendon’s lost his career because of him. “I’m sorry, baby. I wish things were different. And I wish you were here with me so I could hug you close and kiss you and tell you I’m with you whatever you do,” he adds, smiling a little. He hears Brendon’s smile too, softer.

“Even if I were erotic masseur?” Brendon asks, joking. “It’s okay…” he says, sighing. “I have to think about it and see what I can do. So, you’ll have to put up with me being your trophy boyfriend for a little while… but I’ll get something. I promise”

“You’re not a trophy boyfriend… I’m the lucky one having you with me,” Ryan says to him, laughing a little before talking again. “I just want you to be good and feel okay. Elisa says that working helps us feel good about ourselves even if we complain about it. I don’t know… You are whatever you need to feel good. I’m with you,” he adds, stopping for a moment. “Although maybe about being an erotic masseur… I don’t know about that,” he laughs. “You can do that with me”

“You wouldn’t be able to pay me,” Brendon jokes. “Maybe I should have chosen another degree. One with no touching involved… Or maybe I should have better grades, even though I don’t know if that would matter. Did you know Z graduated Suma Cum Laude?”

“No,” Ryan laughs, frowning. “Why do you know?”

“I saw it. Or heard it somewhere, I’m not sure. I know they were going through her whole career and all that. Seeing, you know, _her achievements_ ,” Brendon answers. Ryan makes a disinterested sound because he isn’t really that worried about people’s academic results.

“I think grades don’t really show the reality. Like, they don't tell how good someone can be doing their job. It’s just a grade,” he comments, smiling. “I once met a physio still studying, and he made me recover from an injury faster than anyone could have done it”

“That physio was a cheater. He made you believe he wanted to get you better faster and he needed to be there 24/7 for that, but actually, he just wanted to be with you,” Brendon says, laughing a little. “All you believed in was a lie, Ryan. You got me. I just wanted to be there, your recovery was a collateral effect”

Ryan laughs as he grabs the pillow with his free hand, hugging it close.

“But it worked. And I kept you, it was perfect, actually,” he says, biting his lip a little as he remembers those days at home, trying to resist and failing so bad. He stays silent for a few seconds, thinking about how much he wants to kiss him. “I’d be so happy if you could just appear right here beside me, under the covers,” he says, laughing when he realizes how stupid it sounds just like that, out of the blue. Brendon laughs, though, and it sounds surprised, even shy maybe.

“The physio was that bad you need my help?” he jokes, and his voice sounds softer. “If I could do it, I’d be right there in a second, beside you, no doubt”

“And I could get close to you and hide my nose in your hair, breathe the smell of home,” Ryan smiles and closes his eyes to picture him. “I wouldn’t want you as a physio, although yes, he was bad. Well, not really. But you’re better. I like you better,” he adds, laughing. “I’d want you to cuddle with you and sleep next to you, or underneath you, because I’m sure you’d use me as a mattress”

“You bet on it, Ross,” Brendon laughs, the sound bubbling inside his throat. “You should have taken Brenny Jr. with you. I thought about telling you but then I realized it would have been ridiculous. Although, well… I ended up falling asleep next to my uni-fish dressed in one of your hoodies last night,” he says and he sounds ashamed, so much Ryan can almost see him blush. “You can laugh at me, I let you do it”

“I’m not gonna laugh at you,” Ryan answers, laughing a little. “Actually, you’re really cute. I should have brought Brenny Jr. with me, yeah… Or any of your shirts, at least. Something with your smell,” he sighs, lowering his voice until he’s whispering. “I like sleeping with your smell. That and watching you as you sleep makes me the creep of the year,” he jokes. Brendon laughs and Ryan can hear him moving, his steps rushed making the dogs follow him.

“It does, yeah,” Brendon says, talking to the dogs then and telling Ryan to wait as he wishes them a good night. Ryan can hear the soft sound of the sheets before Brendon talks again. “Hi again. I came to check if the bed still smells like you. The sheets don’t, but there’s a little of your shampoo scent on the pillow,” he says, the last part sounding muffled. Ryan smiles.

“See? You’re already discovering the pleasures of being a creep and living with your obsession,” he jokes, moving and sighing. “This bed smells just like hotel fabric softener,” he comments when he smells the pillow, disappointed. Brendon lets out a laugh.

“How dare they, giving you a clean bed,” he jokes, mocking Ryan. He hears him move on the sheets. “And it’s not new, by the way. Me liking your smell. Right now I’d prefer the sheets smelling more like you. Although… I have to say, when it comes to you, I prefer you to smell like me…” he confesses, lowering his voice. Ryan’s smile gets sharper and he lets himself be carried away by the sounds of Brendon lying on the bed.

“That doesn’t sound possessive at all…” he speaks ironically, licking his lips and confessing in a whisper. “I prefer smelling like you, too. It makes me feel surrounded by you everywhere… As if it was a permanent reminder of you being there”

He can hear Brendon’s breath turning denser, changing its rhythm. He hears him move, maybe getting more comfortable on the mattress.

“I’d like to do something like that…” Brendon says as if it was a secret. “Leaving something permanent on your body that tells that I was there. That… that I’m always gonna be there,” Ryan hears him swallow, lick his lips. “Sometimes… I wanna scratch you so hard, bite you, mark you… So much I think… maybe I’m sick in the head because that would hurt you. But the need… You have no idea, Ryan, how hard it is to contain myself”

“Don’t,” Ryan whispers, Brendon’s words making his whole body tremble. “I like when you lose control, I like to feel how brutal you get, I like to see it later and feel it when I touch the marks,” he says, swallowing and breathing hard as he feels his temperature rise. Brendon’s breath changes too.

“What if I hurt you?” he asks, but he doesn’t really seem worried. “What if… I make you bleed or I leave scratches all over your sides, my teeth on your thighs. On your neck. If it is too much…”

“I play hockey, baby,” Ryan laughs, panting, the words making him twitch inside his pants. “I live out of too much”

Brendon laughs dark and funny as if Ryan just woke up something inside him like he just agreed to something Brendon didn’t expect.

“Is that a challenge? You think I can’t make you squirm if I want to?” he asks, sounding so confident. “You think you are tough enough just because you play hockey, _baby_?”

Ryan would lie if he said he doesn’t turn into jelly when he hears Brendon talk like that. With such confidence, so powerful, making him melt. It’s the feeling of knowing he can do anything to him if he wants to and he can’t escape him even if he tries. Brendon has that way of sounding _dangerous_ that makes Ryan’s adrenaline go crazy.

“I know you can,” he says, starting to feel out of breath. He gets his hand inside his boxers to grab himself and grow the last inches. “You do it in the distance”

“I wouldn’t have to do it in the distance if you were here. If I had you right beneath me against the mattress. We would prove that resistance of yours, what do you think?” he says, suggestive. “We would prove how much is _too much_ for my little hockey player”

Ryan wants to joke about the ‘little’ part but he realizes Brendon just burned his brain cells in a record time because he can’t breathe and talk at the same time. He moves on the bed and opens his legs more, focusing on feeling Brendon’s words. So he just laughs, then, short and breathy and somehow shaky because Brendon’s making him feel threatened. It makes his cock jump.

“ _Oh_ ,” Brendon’s tone lets Ryan knows he noticed what he’s doing. He knows Ryan’s body so good he can almost tell the way he’s grabbing himself just hearing him laugh. “Ryan, no. Baby, touching yourself isn’t gonna be enough,” he says, lowering his voice and sounding rough, firm. “Want a little help? Ask me like you know”

“Please,” Ryan gasps and he doesn’t even know what he’s saying until he hears himself as if his brain just did as Brendon told him without thinking about it. He bites his bottom lip and gets his other hand under the sheets, getting rid of his underwear and throwing it all back with his feet. “Please”

He can almost hear him, _see him_ , smile before listening to the sound of his tongue wetting his lips, talking again.

“You’re lucky I’m not there, you know? Because if I were I wouldn’t let you touch yourself. I’d tie your hands on your back, or maybe on the headboard, and I would only let you feel whatever the fuck I’d want, whenever I’d want it,” he says, saying each word like he was doing it. “Maybe you’d feel my lips on your neck… Maybe on your inner thighs, kissing you softly.I’d kiss you so, _so_ softly, Ry. Touching you with my tongue, caressing your skin until I’d feel it stand up on its end, _digging in_ my teeth then,” he adds with a growl, and Ryan can hear him tense his jaw, adrenaline on his words. He gets goosebumps everywhere and bites his mouth so he doesn’t moan. He wants to keep listening. “I would make you tremble. I would make you scream. I would make you squirm and I wouldn’t stop, Ryan. I wouldn’t stop until I’d know my teeth were gonna be all over you for weeks”

Ryan feels every one of Brendon’s words as if they were hands. His whole body reacts at once and sends him waves of pleasure from his spine, making it hard to breathe as he tries to control his hand so this doesn’t end too soon. He manages to put the phone on speaker and let it on the pillow, using the hand he had busy to touch himself lower, between his ass cheeks, just touching at first and pushing inside as Brendon keeps talking. He doesn’t use anything as lube, he wants to feel the resistance.

“Bren…” he gasps, letting out a little moan.

“It’d be such a pleasure to see you. Purple marks all over your thighs and red roads running up your sides. Your neck… Mine, actually,” he corrects, laughing a little. “You’d be a piece of art. To grab from your neck against the wall and hang on my waist,” he growls. Brendon’s breath speeds up and Ryan can almost see his haunter smile as he pushes his fingers inside his body, the image making his tremble and squirm on the bed. “You were gonna come like that, not a single finger on your cock, with the wall digging into your back as I thrust inside your body. You were gonna come shaking, desperate and begging for more. And I would give it to you, Ryan. I’d make the words ‘too much’ take on a new meaning for you”

“Brendon,” Ryan murmurs urgently, feeling too close too soon, trying to slow down but failing, just tightening his grip as his fingers slide easier inside and out.

“Tell me, baby. You’re gonna come?” Brendon asks sounding soft and rushed at the same time. “Want to? Or are you already shaking and desperate, begging for more? Would you prefer having me right there, doing everything I just said to you? Showing you feeling it is so much better than picturing it”

“Yes,” Ryan says and he doesn’t know if he’s answering one question, every one of them or no one. His whole body trembles as he speeds up his movements. “Yes, yes”

“Yes,” Brendon nods, gasping. “Yeah, of course, you do,” he growls and moans, long and rough. “I’m digging in my nails on my skin just thinking about touching you. About grabbing your hair and biting your mouth and having your body covered in marks. About you being so _mine_ …I wanna break you, Ryan. Wanna break you in pieces and rebuild you with my own hands”

Ryan loses all sense of where he is or how he’s supposed to move, his hands still moving out of instinct, his whole body twisting to get more and more, out of breath. He thinks he has never felt so much pleasure being alone, but Brendon’s voice, every sound, and every word are like a touch, making him feel so on edge he’s sure he’s gonna explode.

“I’d bring you to bed, then, you know? When I’m done with you. Because I wouldn’t really be done with you,” Brendon whispers, soft, gasping. “Your chest against the sheets, getting your hips up as I kiss you. I would open you up with my fingers to get my tongue inside you and take back what is mine,” he groans, swallowing and gasping. “Feeling you open and wet, wetting you, even more, holding my lips against you and scratching you with my teeth. Softly. So softly, Ry. And maybe, if I’m lucky, I could make you come again for me”

Ryan feels his whole body shake at once, his fingers touching over that point inside as if Brendon’s words gave them instructions, seeing stars behind his closed eyelids as he explodes from the inside. He comes with a long, broken moan, stilling his fingers because he can’t keep going, the orgasm leaving him breathless for a moment and making his body tremble from head to toe.

“Ryan,” he hears Brendon saying his name softly, whispering. He waits in silence, trying to catch his breath. “ _Ryan_ , you with me?”

Ryan wants to answer, but right now he can’t. His whole body is melted all over the sheets and he’s trying to catch his breath as his heart beats hard against his chest. He even hears a soft ring in his ears like his senses just exploded with the orgasm. He forces himself to move and get the phone, turning off the speaker and bring it to his ear.

“Hey,” he breathes when he can, his voice raw and exhausted. He hears Brendon laugh through his nose.

“You know? Listening to you coming is the prettiest thing I have ever heard through the phone,” he says before laughing again, tired. Ryan laughs too, swallowing and wetting his lips so his mouth can work properly.

“I hope no one has my phone tapped because I swear to god, Brendon,” he says, still breathing hard. “If someone heard that you are guilty of murder right now and I’m your accomplice. Or another victim, I’m not sure yet… Because I have to be dead right now”

“No way, no death allowed,” Brendon answers, tired but satisfied. Ryan can hear it in his voice. “You have to come back home. You have to do as promised and let me do everything I told you”

“Everything,” he repeats, nodding fast until he remembers Brendon can’t actually see him. “Uh. You should be able to see me. I mean. That way you’d be here, like, you’d see me if you were here. And. I don’t know where I wanted to get with this”

Brendon burst out a laugh, gasping for air right after but still laughing.

“I’d like to see you, that’s for sure. I’d like to be there, too,” he says, sighing. “I can’t wait for you to come back. But, in the meantime… Don’t hang up until you fall asleep. We don’t have to talk. I just want to…you know. Creeps book, page three”

“Uh-hum. Listening to his breathing through the phone. A classic,” Ryan murmurs, dragging his words with his eyes closed but still hearing the sounds. “Not hanging up. I can do that. Wanna hear you, too. You’d be here, better. I mean, you know what I mean,” he adds, laughing because he’s not really making any sense. “I miss you. And could cuddle you. Me. And listening close, hugging me. And give you good night, I mean, kiss you, good…”

“Ryan,” Brendon’s voice is soft but firm, wanting him to stop talking. He waits a few seconds before talking again. “I love you,” he says, honest and almost whispering. Ryan smiles to himself and grabs the pillow again, sighing and nodding.

“You too love,” he murmurs. “In love. What did you do to my brain?” he laughs, trying to get the words correctly for once. “I don’t know how to speak anymore”

“I would cover you with kisses right now,” Brendon laughs, warm and sweet. “Sleep. Get your brain cells back so I can play with them another day, right? Deal? And, Ryan,” he adds after a few seconds, hesitating for a moment. “When you come back I’m gonna put the ring right back where it has to be so it doesn’t move from there ever again even if I have to kneel for it, understood?”

“Even again. Yes. On my finger,” Ryan nods. “Stay with me. Gonna fall asleep in a moment, but. I love you,”

“I love you,” Brendon repeats. “I’ll stay with you. Forever. I promise”

 

*

 

The trip back home happens a few days before it was expected to because the USA lose the semi finals against Russia. It’s a nice match, but in the end, when they were fifteen minutes away from the end, Russia scored the decisive one, winning the match.

It’s frustrating. Losing always is frustrating for Ryan, being so close to winning the world cup the first time he plays for it, but he’s satisfied with his work. So, once he’s over the defeat, Ryan thinks positive and the fact is he really wants to come back home to Brendon after thirteen days without seeing him. That’s more than enough to make his mood better while they come back to Chicago.

When he gets the keys out to open his house’s door he can hear the dogs moving around at the other side, waiting for him and making him smile. He opens the door carefully, getting ready and laughing hard when Zeppelin just throws himself all over him, his paws on Ryan’s shoulders.

He says hi to every one of them, telling them how much he’s missed them and how much he loves them, looking up to see Brendon walk closer with a smile on his face. Ryan leaves the bag on the floor and gets rid of the dogs so he can walk towards him and hug him close, circling his waist and lifting him up. Brendon holds on him with arms and legs, hiding his face on Ryan’s neck and tightening his grip.

He’s fast to draw away, though, going back to standing on the floor and making Ryan let go of him, covering himself as he tells him how much he’s missed him. Ryan missed him too, and he tells him so, but he notices how Brendon seems different like he’s controlling himself somehow. Ryan feels confused about it because he feels there’s something wrong going on.

However, Brendon throws himself back into Ryan’s arms to hug him again, and Ryan laughs as he hugs him back and walks back to the living room. He looks around and sees a lot of magazines that weren’t there before, but he doesn’t say anything about it, anyway, because he’s too busy kissing Brendon and sighing into his mouth, feeling the relief of being home. The atmosphere feels weird, strange somehow, he can feel it, but that can wait. He just wants to enjoy Brendon’s hug and his welcome home.

 

 

 

 

 

                                                       


	11. Deadline

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys! Yes, here's another chapter, and we're really close to the end! Since Xipy is back on track and she just posted a new of her chapters yesterday, I though: well, these people have been waiting long enough, it's only fair that they get two chapters this week instead of one, to make up for all those weeks you didn't get any. So here it is. I hope you enjoy as much as you can. Thank you guys for keeping reading this story, for your support and your love.
> 
> -R

 

 

Brendon would like to be as confident in his everyday life as he is in sex. He's like to be able to look at people in the eye with half a smile, using the right tone and the right words to make whoever do exactly what he wants.

With Ryan it's easy. Sex is easy. He's always said it, he's sure he's never connected of could ever connect with someone as much as he connects with Ryan in bed. Sometimes he feels guilty, not during sex or after sex, but when he's lying in bed, the couch, not moving except for his running thoughts, obsessing over these things, letting the comments get inside him. Then he feels guilty because he realizes it's fake, his confidence in bed, during sex, with Ryan, is a lie. So, yeah, he'd like to be as confident in his life as he is in sex if it wasn't because he's not confident in sex either, or so it seems.

Cassie is pissed at him. Or maybe she's not pissed at him, but... she is, Brendon knows it. She's bothered by the way Brendon can't stop talking about Z when they meet, Z this, Z that, talking about every new detail he's found, every new rumor. Brendon knows Cassie would be even more pissed at him if she knew he talks about Z when they're not together too.

"I don't care if you talk about her, B. I care that you talk about her like she's the Queen of Sheba." Brendon wrinkles his nose. He remembers the Queen of Sheba from the lectures at the church. Z is too white to be the Queen of Sheba, but except for that... "It bothers me that you talk about her like she's a gift from the heavens, something anyone would die to have, because that woman is not even your friend, and I'm sure you can count with just your fingers how many times she's talked to you for non-work-related reasons. And here you are, praising her, after everything that's going on, after everything she's not doing to stop it even if it's her job... I don't like her. And I don't even know her."

Brendon hasn't told Cassie how Z talks to Ryan, how she looks at him, how she winks at him or makes inappropriate comments even when Brendon is right there. Brendon hasn't told Cassie how she doesn't hide how much she's attracted to Ryan, and how... how she's so much confident. Confidence? Z has tons of it. Brendon can't help feeling guilty thinking about all the things that would be better if Ryan were with Z instead of him.

"I'm just saying... I don't think Ryan's going to leave me for her," he says, and it's true, he's lost count of all the times he's said that to Cassie. It's not a lie, Brendon knows it. He knows Ryan won't leave him for Z. But he also knows things would be better if he did. "It's just... I don't know, if we weren't together, then... As a friend. As a friend, I'd think she'd be a good choice. A good option."

Cassie looks at him without saying a word, and Brendon knows, he knows Cassie is reading behind his words. She stares at him for a while, and Brendon wishes Joanna wasn't sleeping right now so he could run away from this situation and play with her or something. Life is not as easy as Brendon would like.

"Talk to him," Cassie says then, not moving and still looking at him the same way. "Talk to Ryan. He needs to know what's going on."

 

*

 

Brendon wants to convince himself that he doesn't know what Cassie is talking about when she says Ryan needs to know what's going on, but he does. He knows. He knows his brain is coming to a point where he can't stop questioning himself every single day, every time he hears someone say how good Z is and how bad he is. How inappropriate. How vulgar.

He's not a good catch, he's not the best for Ryan, and he almost could try to forget about it because Ryan likes him anyway, vulgar and inappropriate and bad. Ryan likes him the way he is. The problem is Brendon doesn't like himself, not anymore.

Brendon never considered himself an extraordinary person, but he had values he liked, he had qualities he could feel proud of. Brendon liked how he was a survivor, how he could face awful things and still win, hurt but alive. He liked he was independent, he had been since he was seventeen, he was always self-sufficient. He liked how he never doubted to work hard, to give the best of him in order to achieve his goals. He liked how he was always happy, going out with friends, meeting new people, be the soul of the party, having... Having a soul.

Yes, he knew a lot of people didn't like him, didn't like those things about him, but he liked himself. Brendon never had a problem ignoring the vicious comments about him because he never believed them. Now, on the other hand, when people talk about him living off Ryan, when they call him Cinderella, when he stays at home hour after hour while his friends are doing something else, working, whatever... When he has no one to be with because loneliness is his only companion, the one he's always feared, the one who holds his hand when he falls asleep crying on the couch with the TV on...

When that happens, Brendon understands. He understands people criticize him, he understands they prefer Z, he understands they don't like him. He understands because he doesn't like himself either. The problem, Brendon guesses, is Ryan knowing about it because he's not sure how much is Ryan supposed to know, and maybe he doesn't want to tell Ryan some of those things either. If he can stop liking himself, no one can assure him Ryan won't stop... whatever.

So he talks about it, but just a little. Sometimes when Z's at home he ignores the way she ignores him, and when she leaves he says something like "Z looked really pretty today, don't you think?" or maybe "it shows you two get along really well," "she likes you a lot," or his favorite: "If it wasn't because I'm in the picture, I would give you my blessing." He delivers them with a smile, of course, a laugh even, showing his teeth and avoiding Ryan's eyes.

Ryan laughs at first, he thinks Brendon is joking or something. He doesn't care about it, and Brendon doesn't know what that means, but he just keeps doing it. He doesn't really know why he's doing it, what he wants from it, but he can't stop, he doesn't stop, and Ryan doesn't laugh that much anymore. Ryan looks at him and his smile fades. He looks at him and asks why he talks so much about Z. Brendon laughs, shrugging, he does anything but answering.

"If you weren't in the picture I would be looking for you," he says, and Brendon bites his lips. Not hard enough to stop the words from coming out.

"Well, you shouldn't..."

He tightens his jaw and hurts his lips, but it's useless because the words are already out, in the air, in Ryan. He looks at Brendon for a moment and then lowers his eyes, frowning, swallowing before speaking.

"I'm not used to doing what people say I should do," he says, laughing a little trying to make it sound like a joke, but he fails. "Also, I couldn't do it," he adds, looking at Brendon again, and there's confusion in his eyes, confusion and something else. "Is there... Is there anything you want to tell me?"

Brendon looks at him and, for some reason, it's like his body can't function, like it doesn't know how to. Is there something he wants to tell him? He's not sure. There's probably a lot of things he should say to Ryan, but that doesn't mean Brendon wants to.

"It's not..." Brendon clears his throat when he feels the words get stuck. "It was just, dunno... Just a suggestion," he says and laughs a little. He pulls at his lip with his teeth, thinking about how to make the words sound better. "I mean, if I wasn't here, it would be kinda stupid looking for me... having her here. You would save yourself a lot of trouble."

"Trouble?" Ryan asks, and he nods then, like now he gets what they're talking about. "You're here. I won't think about how it would be if you weren't because you're here. And that's what matters to me, it's the only thing I want, so it makes no sense thinking about anything else," he adds, frowning and crossing his arms around himself. "But you've been talking about her a lot lately, you're just... selling her to me like... I don't know, Bren. I feel like there's something you're not telling me. if you're worried about something, if... if you think there's something between us, there's nothing. I know I've told you already and I will tell you a hundred times if I need to. I don't mind repeating myself. There's nothing."

"I know there's nothing," Brendon answers, soft, low. He puts his hands in his pockets when he feels them shaking, and looks away when he laughs breathy. He knows there's nothing between them, that's not the point. "But, maybe..." he says, swallowing and looking for the way to say what he's not sure if he's ready to say. "Maybe it should."

"What?" Ryan asks after a second. And he sounds like a lot of things, he sounds confused but also surprised and almost offended too. Along with his voice, his face frowns and twists like he was just slapped on it. "What are you saying? What do you mean with...? Is that what you think? That's the reason you've been...?" Ryan looks at him before he looks away like he's looking for the answer to his questions someplace in the room. Brendon understands that Ryan can't look at him. He's not sure he could look at himself right now either. "I-I don't understand, Brendon."

Brendon laughs again because, well, that makes two of them. He can't explain it because he still doesn't know why he's been like this either, and it's hard to untangle his thoughts to read them clear since they've been becoming a mess lately. Brendon shrugs and presses his lips together. He feels his body shaking and he'd like to sit somewhere, but he's not sure if he can't move without falling down. He can feel his sight getting blurry, and he can't breathe properly, his lungs won't work.

"I'm not saying you want to..." He manages to say with his voice broken. He wants Ryan to know he doesn't doubt him, he'd never doubt him. The problem here is not Ryan, it's himself.

"Of course I don't want to," Ryan answers like it's an obvious thing, looking at him again. "Then, why are we talking about this? If you're not worried, if you know I don't want to... What's wrong? Because it looks like you do want it. And I refuse to believe it. I don't understand why... I don't understand anything."

"I don't want to!" Brendon huffs, balling up his fists until he hurts his palms, biting his lips, looking for something more painful on the outside than what he's feeling on the inside. "I don't want to," he says, getting one of his hand out of his pocket to wipe away the wetness on his cheek. "But if you knew what's good for you, you would want to. If it wasn't for me, you..."

"If it wasn't for you, I'd be the same asshole who was too afraid to do anything more than having one-night stands," Ryan answers, looking at him with pleading eyes. "I don't know why you think there's anything better than you, but... Tell me what to do. Tell me, because I don't know what else to say, and this is hurting you, obviously, and I have no idea how to fix it."

"Ryan, you don't..." Brendon closes his eyes, letting the air out of his lungs, his lips shaking. "You're not the problem here. You can't do anything. It's..." He shakes his head, resigned. "I'm the problem. I've always been the problem."

"Always? What...?" Ryan swallows, shaking his head, his voice sounding more desperate now, on the edge. "Then what? I have to stay here doing nothing while you think you're a problem? Is that what I'm supposed to do? I have to pretend everything is okay while you fade more and more every day? Because I've noticed, Bren. I may be stupid sometimes, but don't think I've not noticed.

"I don't know what you have to do, Ryan. I don't even know what I have to do." He doesn't, he has no idea. He's overwhelmed by the situation, by the press, by Cassie, by himself, and now by Ryan. He feels like a ticking bomb set at random. "I can't tell you what to do, okay? Because maybe I don't like what I think you should do. Maybe I don't like the options crossing my mind when you ask me those things."

"What is torturing you, Brendon? Is... is it this life? Is it the press? Is it everything? Is it me? What is it?" Ryan asks, stepping up and pushing the hair from Brendon's face with a shaking hand. "What's there in your head absorbing you?"

"It's me. I'm what's wrong. Me and my life and my... luck," he answers while he breaks, like his feet were sand castles and a wave just came in. He covers his face with his hands when it's too much, feeling little and dark and helpless. "You're the only one who can't see it, how I really am. Everybody knows except you. I'm not worth it, Ryan."

"That's not true," Ryan says with his voice shaking, reaching for him to bring him closer, hugging him when he's there. "That's not true. I know how you are. Is the rest of them who have no idea, I know how you are," he repeats, his voice cracking.

"How am I? Because I don't even know anymore. I don't know how I was, I don't know who I am, Ryan," he says, pressing his face to Ryan's shoulder, swallowing his tears, hugging him, twisting Ryan's shirt in his fists. "She likes you. You know she likes you, I'm not that crazy, I'm not making things up. And she's perfect. She's pretty and smart and she's... so confident, and the way she smiles, and she doesn't give a fuck about what the world can say. She's successful, she's got money, she's in control of her life. And you could... you could like her too because everybody likes her. And maybe you should..." His words get stuck, his tears falling, because just thinking about it hurts but he's sure it would be the best for Ryan. "You could forget about me. You wouldn't take that long, we haven't even... So that way everybody would be happy."

"No. No, what are you talking about? No. I wouldn't be happy," Ryan answers, and there's urgency in his voice, hugging Brendon closer while he keeps talking. "I couldn't, you hear me? I couldn't forget about you, Brendon, no. I don't care if she likes me. I don't care who she is or how she is because I love you," he says, his voice breaking. He stays in silence for a second. "I love you... And if you don't know who you are, then we'll find out. We'll find out. But I'm not going anywhere, I'll be looking for it with you."

It's not fair. It's not fair because while he breaks down in Ryan's arms, while he cries and grabs Ryan's clothes like if he was hanging from a cliff at the end of the world, Brendon allows himself to believe it. He believes he deserves it, he believes all those beautiful words are not being wasted on him, like casting pearls before swine. He hugs Ryan because right now he's the only thing making him stand on his feet, and he feels like he has no more tears to shed, but he still cries.

"I don't know why you love me," he whispers, his lashes so wet and heavy he can't even open his eyes, pressing his forehead to Ryan's wet cheek. "I don't know why you keep pulling at me when the rest of the world just help me dig deeper and deeper."

"Because those people want you down. I want you to be happy," Ryan says, swallowing and clearing his throat, breathing deep before turning his head and pressing his lips to Brendon's forehead. "I'm not gonna let them. I won't let them do this to you. You're the most beautiful person I've ever met. Here," he says, moving his hand to Brendon's chest. "And that's why I love you so much."

"Tell that to the people writing those magazines, the ones talking on those TV shows..." Brendon mutters, moving and opening his tired eyes to look at Ryan. "Tell that to your teammates who never invited me to a party again after the first few times. Tell that to the guys in my classroom who did the same. Tell that to Spencer. Tell that to my brothers and sisters. Tell that to my parents..." He presses his lips together, letting fall a couple of tears. "Tell that to yourself when I ruin your life."

"You're not gonna ruin my life," Ryan answers, his voice sounding firmer than before, looking at Brendon with glassy eyes. "I'm not those people. Not me, not Cassie, not Jon, not Amanda and Jacky. It's not about those who can't see you, but the ones that can. And if I have to say it, I will shout it if I have to. If that makes you forget the ones who have no idea about you."

"I just want them to stop," Brendon confesses, feeling like a little child speaking about the monster under the bed. "I need them to stop... Just. Just a little. I want to be able to rest. I want them to stop reminding me constantly. I want to stop seeing her everywhere, all the time, I want to stop seeing how little I am."

"Then I'll make it stop," Ryan nods, sounding sure. "I'll do whatever it takes, whatever, you hear me? I promise," he whispers, resting his forehead on Brendon's and closing his eyes, sighing.

 

*

 

 

Whatever it takes seems to include calling Jacky to ask for advice, and Brendon has to admit he's surprised to see Ryan's determination. He knows Ryan and Jacky are not the best of friends, and Ryan always gets shy around him. Brendon is thankful for it, though, because he doesn't know if he could handle Z taking care of this.

"First of all I need to know what exactly you want to do and how far you're ready to go to get it," Jacky says, and it looks so weird to Brendon, watching his friend acting so professional, so serious. Maybe because he's not here as a friend today, he's here as a PR.

"I want the rumors gone, I want them to stop talking about her," Ryan says, his eyes fixed on Jacky and his look firm even if the tiredness is still there. "And I'll do anything."

"Anything?" Jacky laughs, looking at Brendon. "Did you turn him like this? I thought Ross was a good boy."

"Don't judge a book by its cover," Brendon says, shrugging. He wonders if Jacky can see how he is. Jacky is always been good at reading the dark circles under his eyes. "Maybe it's been my fault, just a little..." he says, looking at Ryan, who looks back at him, squeezing his hand.

"It's their fault, they've gone too far," Ryan says, looking back at Jacky. Jacky sighs, making a face Brendon knows already. He knows Jacky hates tabloids like any good professional in the field does too.

"And I guess your PR is not handling this issue because of the obvious," he says, looking at Ryan and making a face, clicking his tongue. "Before we do anything you need to say this is risky. You know how those rumors are making a lot of conservative organizations stay in line. Ending the rumor is going to be like breaking a dam. We don't know how much it will flood, but there will be losses."

"I don't care," Ryan says, nodding without getting his eyes off Jacky.

"Cool," Jacky agrees, taking his briefcase and getting it on the table, taking out some papers before putting it back down. "This is a confidentiality agreement, by the way. You sign it later, that way I can't do anything with this info. I don't want you to think I'm gonna do anything weird, going to the press or anything... I guess you know already I'm doing this for Brendon, and I will never do anything to hurt him. But I want you to have in on paper, just in case." He says, putting those papers aside. "Then, first of all, I'm gonna be totally honest. Do you want the press to forget about Z and talk about you 24/7? There's a quick and easy solution. Leak a porn video." Brendon almost chokes when he hears it, and Ryan seems to do the same because he makes a weird noise and starts coughing. Jacky looks at them without blinking. "Okay, I get that's not an option, right? You said you'd do anything, Ross," he adds, and Brendon can hear the mocking tone of his voice.

"Um. Yeah, well, uh, I mean. I didn't think, um," Ryan blinks, clearly shocked, looking then at Brendon for a bit of help.

"We'd like to end the rumors without ending Ryan's reputation in the process, Jacky. If that's possible," Brendon says sarcastically, making Jacky laugh.

"Don't be so sure that will end his reputation. Well. Unless..." Jacky looks at them, smiling sideways. "I don't know what kind of sex you two practice, but I dare to say a classic porn video where Ryan is the top won't hurt his career at all. Would that be too far from your usual routine?"

"Next option, Jack," Brendon says, using his plain name to make him realize he's serious here. Jacky raises his hands, but he still laughs a little.

"The problem here is you want to stop a scandal. And the thing with scandals is they're juicy, people love them," Jacky explains, moving one of the papers. "Nothing about attacking them or denying them will work. Press conferences, announcements, interviews, bribing paparazzi..." he says, and Ryan makes a disappointed sound, "that will only make the rumor stronger. It's like you're saying it's all true. You can just stop a scandal one way: another scandal," he states, looking at them both. "It doesn't have to be good or bad, just something that sells good, something that makes people forget about the previous one. That's why a porn vid is so good, because that's like the climax of the scandal, no pun intended," he says with half a smile, making Brendon look at him dirty. "Of course we've got other things, like weddings, pregnancy, or adoption in your case, things like that... Things I'm not sure you want to do just to stop a rumor because they're important things and you should do them when you feel it's time," he explains, making a face. "Anyway, I have info about how adoption works in China and Nigeria. Interracial adoptions are better for the press."

"Jacky, if you don't take this seriously I'm not gonna pay you a cent," Brendon warns, and Jacky laughs because it seems he finds this hilarious.

"For starters, I'm not accepting your money. I would accept his in any case," he says, pointing at Ryan. "And in second place, B, I promise I'm being serious here. Me laughing doesn't mean I'm joking. The problem, B, is that you've let this rumor grow and become a snowball. This would have been easier to end at first, when it started, just organizing some public appearances for the two of you, showing you off, letting people see you together. Now you're fucked," he explains, and Brendon swallows because he knows Jacky is right. "I understand you don't want to get married already, or have a kid, or record a porno... Well, I don't really understand the last one, but anyway, you need to do something. You can try just making out in public, go somewhere, I don't know, a basketball game and sit front row, make out like teenagers. Something that shows what you two have is stronger than what they're making up, something that doesn't affect your relationship because it's so obvious it's a lie. Show yourselves, let people see you together."

"Um," Ryan starts talking for the first time in a while, now that he seems to be out of the shock he was when Jacky mentioned adopting kids. "Will that work? I mean, I don't want to start trying things just to see what happens, I'd like to be sure. Um. Using social media, showing our relationship more, that sounds good, it does. But, if you're not sure that will work, I don't know, maybe, um. We could think about..." He looks at Brendon, and the color of Ryan's cheeks tells him just what he's thinking about.

"Ryan..."

"Ryan," Jacky cuts him before Brendon can tell him he's crazy, looking at him and putting his hands on the table for emphasis. "No social media. No showing more of what you have. Nobody buys that. Everybody knows social media is full of shit. In fact, if you uploaded the porn vid to one of your social media that'd be like... the anti-climax, you'd look just desperate, you understand? People want to catch you off guard. They want to get in your life without your consent. I know, it's disgusting. It sells," he says, picking a blank paper and a pen. "A light idea: you go to dinner to the most famous restaurant in Chicago, you hold hands, touch a little, let people see you, but you're discreet because you know people are looking and you don't want to put up a show," he explains, scribbling some words on the paper. "You go to a public event, some place with cameras. A basketball game is perfect because you're close to the court and there's no wall or anything to cover you, but you can choose anything like that. There you get more cuddly, you touch more, you kiss a little, let people see you can't keep your hands to yourselves. And then, at the end of the night, I don't know, you can make out while walking to the car, you don't let him get in, push him against the door and hump him a little. You put on a show. Next morning half America will be talking about you," he says, finishing his scribbles and pushing the sheet towards them. Brendon hopes Ryan can understand Jacky's writing, because he has no idea what they say. "If that's not enough, porn vid. I'm glad you're open to it, Ryan," he says with half a smile.

"If you want to watch me fucking so bad you could have said something a while ago," Brendon jokes, looking at the paper and trying to understand Jacky's directions. Ryan looks at it too, but he doesn't look like he's trying to read it, he looks like he's thinking something, his fingers playing with the fabric of Brendon's jeans.

"What do you think?" he asks after a while, looking at Brendon with his lip between his teeth. Brendon looks at him too, twisting his mouth and putting the paper away for a moment.

"I won't do anything you don't want to do. And I won't make a porno, no matter how much Jacky want us to," he adds, looking at his friend for a second. "You know I don't mind doing things in public, but I don't want to hurt you or your name in the process. So, anything we do, you will decide it."

"What if it doesn't work?" Ryan asks after he nods. "I mean. Going out, letting people see us, that's good. We can do it. But, what if that doesn't work?"

"If that doesn't work, I'll marry you. And we'll adopt a Chinese baby girl and a Nigerian baby boy," Brendon says, laughing a little, keeping his smile when he speaks again. "If it doesn't work, Ry, then nothing. If it doesn't work we would have done everything we could."

"Um. N-Not really," Ryan says, clearing his throat. "Maybe Jacky is right and we should think about... you know. If you don't want to, then we'll find something else. It's... Um. I promised you I'd do it, okay? Anything."

"Ryan, I won't give them that," Brendon smiles warmly. Just seeing Ryan like this, with such determination, overcoming his own limits, it gives him the strength he thought he had lost. He holds Ryan's hands, squeezing them tight. "I won't let them get in bed with us, I won't give them something that's mine," he says, and there's a heat in his stomach that agrees with that. He won't let people see something that just belongs to him. "Also, America is so prude I bet what we're gonna do against the car will be better than a porn vid."

"Okaaaaay," Jacky raises his voice, clearing his throat loudly and making Brendon look at him. "Now I understand a lot of things," Jacky says, and Brendon laughs a little. "It might work if you do it right. I think it will work, yeah. This is America after all, maybe a straight couple needs a porn vid while you just need to hump each other against a car."

"What do you mean if we do it right?" Ryan jokes, probably trying to hide how he's all red now. "We can't do it wrong. We're naturals."

"Great," Jacky nods, picking up his things and giving the contract to Ryan. "This is for you, I don't need it. I already signed it and stuff. I'll find a good date and send you the planning. I'll call the press when you're at the restaurant and will tell you when the show starts. You don't get cold feet in the middle of it," he says looking at Ryan, then at Brendon, "and you... Please, don't fuck him against the car, okay? We want a scandal, not for you to end up in prison."

"You're giving me ideas..." Brendon mutters, laughing then and hugging Jacky to say goodbye. Ryan doesn't hug him because he stills looks shy around Jacky, or maybe he's just embarrassed about the previous conversation, but they shake hands while Ryan thanks him for helping them, telling him he owes him one.

 

*

 

Jacky doesn't take to long before planning everything, or maybe Brendon is so hyper about it time flies. He tries to detox from the media as much as he can in the meantime. He doesn't manage to do it all the way because he knows this will be a long process, but at least he wants to have a nice date with Ryan without weird ideas running through his head. It helps that Z isn't around lately, and Brendon doesn't know if it's just a coincidence or Ryan has done something about it. He doesn't want to think about it or he'll feel guilty.

It feels weird wearing slacks and a dress shirt, like it's been years since the last time he dressed up, and when he looks in the mirror he almost can feel handsome, valid. The restaurant Jacky chose is one of the most popular of Chicago and, as soon as they get in, Jacky texts them saying he's already told some tabloids about it. Brendon is nervous, but he tries to relax holding Ryan's hand, looking at his eyes trying to find the calm he lacks.

"Hey, relax," Ryan says, smiling and squeezing his hand. "Let's enjoy the night, okay?"

"You're fine, right?" Brendon asks looking at him across the table. "You don't... feel like this is somehow like... acting."

"I thought that would be the case, but..." he says, shrugging. "I don't know. I wanted to do something like this with you for a while, so I guess you made me forget we're being watched."

Brendon laughs a little, feeling how the air gets stuck in his chest. He wanted this too, doing something like this. It's been not even that long since the last time he had some special moment with Ryan, but it feels like it's been forever. He pushes away the thought that asks him why Ryan hasn't asked him to do this before if he wanted to so bad. No, he's not going to let thoughts like that one ruin their night.

He doesn't even pay too much attention to the food, letting Ryan choose for him. In the end, Brendon doesn't know a lot about fancy food and the half of the menu is in french anyway. Right now he could eat a plate of mac&cheese and he would be equally excited. Ryan tells him the name of the plate at least three times before it arrives, but Brendon still can't pronounce it. He doesn't care, it's delicious anyway and the rest doesn't matter.

Ryan looks relaxed, calm, he doesn't even look around not even once. He keeps his eyes on Brendon the whole time, smiling and telling him about his French pronunciation and why he's good at it. Brendon listens to him, hears him, because for once he wants Ryan to be the one talking.

They're almost finishing when the maître comes and tells them there are a few suspicious cars waiting in front of the restaurant, asking them if they'd prefer to use the staff back door to avoid the paparazzi. Brendon nods right away because he knows that's the plan. If they used the front door that would look like they want to be seen, and Jacky's plan would go to hell.

The valet brings them Brendon's Tesla to the back of the restaurant, and the manager offers them an apology for the trouble. Brendon twists his hands on the driving wheel when he gets in, back to a private place even if it's just for a few minutes.

"I feel like we're part of a scavenger hunt," Brendon laughs, looking at Ryan still a bit nervous.

Ryan laughs and nods, looking at him with his bottom lip between his teeth.

"Are you okay? There will be a lot of paps and cameras at the game..." he says. Brendon laughs, nodding.

"I know. I don't care if there are people watching us. That's why we're doing it, right?" he says, smiling a little. "I'm fine. It's... fun."

"It's being a really good date," Ryan smiles, joking. "We're not at the point where you take me home and kiss me at my front door, but I would like to see you again."

Brendon laughs, letting his doubts and nervousness out too, leaning in and holding Ryan's face to kiss him before starting the car and drive to their next place. The Bulls stadium is not far from there, although Brendon wouldn't mind if it were because he loves driving his car. They use the VIP entrance just because it's better that way, going to their seats in the front row. Brendon doesn't know a lot about basketball, but he can enjoy a good game anyway.

He's afraid he's going to break his bottom lip if he keeps chewing at it, though. He can feel it swollen already when it's been just a few minutes into the game, and his legs shake a little bit. He holds Ryan's hand, squeezing it and placing it on his thigh. When he talks to Ryan, he leans in to do it at his ear, pressing his nose to Ryan's cheek and sighing a bit. Ryan makes him laugh sometimes, making remarks about the players, the game, but mostly paying more attention to Brendon than to the rest, tangling their fingers together and kissing his cheeks from time to time.

"Are you ready for this?" Brendon whispers, laughing like an idiot because he's so nervous. He doesn't want to be the one kissing Ryan on the lips first, he doesn't want to hurry just in case Ryan's not ready yet, although Ryan looks a lot more relaxed than him right now.

"I'm always ready," Ryan smiles, lowering his eyes to Brendon's mouth for a second. "I'm a natural with you, you know? It's like, I don't know... Maybe you have a magnetic field and I didn't know," he jokes, laughing before closing the distance and kissing him.

It's unbelievable how Brendon seems to breath better when his lips are pressed to Ryan's, but it's the truth. Brendon laughs against his lips because he can't help feeling like an idiot, but he doesn't break the kiss, he wouldn't dare to. He takes his hand up to Ryan's chest, grabbing his shirt lightly because he feels like falling, and he knows the press would love him falling off his seat but that's not the kind of show they want to put today.

He looks at Ryan when the pull away with a wide and uncontrollable smile on his face, asking without words if this is okay, if they can keep it up. Ryan wrinkles his nose and smiles, whispering him to stop worrying and let himself go, kissing him again, slower this time, chaste, like a promise.

Brendon feels freer now to let himself go for the rest of the game, and maybe he goes too far but Brendon never knew how to stay in the middle, he goes to the extreme, and now that he's touching Ryan, now that he's kissing him, now that Ryan's there, Brendon realizes how much he needed this. He spends the game looking at him, making jokes, holding him, touching him, kissing his cheek, his shoulder, touching their noses together sometimes, and looking at him like he had just discovered him.

Ryan is still shy even if he's relaxed and returns every one of Brendon's touch. His cheeks are red but it doesn't look like he will let that stop this. Ryan puts an arm around Brendon, trying to hide his smile when Brendon says something that makes him nervous somehow, he doesn't act any different than he would if they were anywhere else.

The Bulls are winning, or so Brendon thinks. He's not paying attention to the game right now, even if it's minutes far from the end, but that's exactly the reason why. He knows what they need to do now, he knows they need to go out, go to the car, put on a show for everybody to see. He looks at Ryan's cheeks and wonders if this won't be too much, if he's not making Ryan do something he shouldn't.

The game ends and Brendon's not looking at the court, he just grabs Ryan's hand and pulls him up from his seat. The idea comes to him suddenly and Brendon doesn't want to wait and think if it's a good one, he want's to do this because his instinct tells him it's the best thing to do. He drags Ryan to the inside of the stadium, empty because everybody is at the court celebrating, the cheers echoing around. He takes Ryan right to the bathrooms, closing the door behind them and letting their eyes adapt the neon white light. Ryan looks at him with a twisted smile and a raised eyebrow, asking him what he's thinking about. Brendon laughs, shaking his head before he pushes Ryan against the wall and kisses him hard.

He tells himself he's doing this for Ryan, to help him relax, not because he needs Ryan's touch so bad he can't wait, not because he doesn't want anyone to take a picture or a video of Ryan like this, almost melting, bending slowly in his hands. No, this is just so when they come out there they can play their part right, not because Brendon's dying to do this.

"How long it's been since we've done something like this?" Brendon laughs against Ryan's neck, biting while he pushes his legs between Ryan's. "Married life has tied us to a bed, Ry. We need to change that."

Ryan laughs breathy, letting his head fall back, giving Brendon space to bite, holding him and moving a little against him.

"Agree. It's been too long," he says biting his lip. "Doesn't this reminds you of that first time in the locker room showers?" He laughs, panting.

"A bit. I wish I could do to you right now everything I did to you in that shower," Brendon answer, moving his hands back to grab Ryan's ass, pulling him up to his hips, pushing him against the wall again and holding him there, making Ryan's back hit the tiles. He kisses him again, hard and deep, biting his lips and pulling at the bottom one, moving down to his jaw, biting right below it, sucking to leave a mark. "A memento. So you look good in the pictures," he says, laughing when he moves away, putting Ryan down and looking at him. "Let's go out?"

Ryan looks at him with his eyes dark and his mouth a bit open, his face in shock, like Brendon has done something that wasn't his usual way of acting.

"I hope you plan on finishing this once we get home," Ryan says after a few seconds of silence, fixing his clothes and adjusting his cock in his pants. Brendon nods, moving away so they can breath fresh air.

"Promise," Brendon says, taking two steps to the door and twisting the doorknob, opening it just before closing it with a slam, grabbing Ryan by his waist and pushing him against the wall again. "Or maybe not," he says, opening a dangerous smile when he feels his body telling him to say fuck off to the plan. He wasn't joking before, he's tired of beds, their relation needs something to spice it up, and can he really let pass the opportunity of doing this at the Bulls stadium? He locks the door when he's back between Ryan's legs, this time pushing a hand between their bodies and pushing it inside Ryan's pants. "Maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea, being the last ones to come out, and you look so good well fucked. Let's change the plan?"

Ryan pants with his mouth open, his eyes closing when he moves against Brendon's hand, laughing a little and holding himself on Brendon's back, blinking and looking at him, nodding.

"I always liked improvising," he says with a side smile, licking his lips. "And no way you're gonna leave me like this now." He makes a face, thinking, before adding. "Please."

Brendon laughs breathy as he feels his cock twitching, pushing harder against Ryan so he can feel it too. And, yeah, now it's impossible for them to get out of there soon at all.

 

*

 

The awful sound of his phone ringing wakes him up in the morning, making Brendon grunt and push his head under the pillow. He doesn't know what time is it but he's sure it's too early to talk to anybody. Or maybe it's his fault for coming home so late last night and keeping up with the party. He smiles smugly when he remembers it, Ryan's moans, their bodies sliding together against the bathroom wall, with his pants just down to his thighs, their shirts open, kissing, biting. They weren't even thinking about the pictures when they came out, too horny to care about anything else except coming home. Somehow it reminded him of those first times, insatiable, leaving clothes scattered all over the floor, doing it on the couch, the kitchen, in the middle of the stairs.

His whole body hurts, but it's that kind of pain it makes you smile. He moves to kiss Ryan wherever he can before reaching for the fucking phone. The call ends right when he's about to answer, and he sees it was Cassie calling. Brendon opens his eyes huge when he sees he was more than ten missing calls, like a couple hundred texts and as many notifications, emails and stuff.

He jumps when a phone rings again, only this time is Ryan's. Ryan seems to fight the sheets before he can get out of them, taking his phone and frowning when he sees it's Z calling. Brendon is going to say something when his phone rings again, this time being Jacky calling. 

"Praised be Lord Jesus, finally!" Jacky jokes, and Brendon grunts and huffs at the same time, not finding his voice to tell Jacky to fuck off. "You had a nice end last night, huh? You did whatever the fuck you wanted."

"It's called improvising," Brendon answers with a husky voice, looking at Ryan at his side. "What is it? Did it go well?"

"Did it go well?" Jacky laughs and Brendon frowns. "Baby, turn on the TV."

"Which channel?" Brendon asks, looking around until he finds the remote. Jacky laughs again, louder this time.

"Any channel, B. Any channel."

Brendon opens wide his eyes when he just needs to skip a channel before it pops out. Their pictures are everywhere, the "torrid date" between Ross and Urie is all over the TV, even some local news are talking about it. Brendon looks at Ryan totally shocked while Jacky keeps talking to him telling him he's a genius. Z keeps calling and Brendon is sure she must be so mad right now. They've done this without telling her at all.

He doesn't know what Ryan wants to do, so he takes his phone from his hands and ends the call, asking Ryan not to answer for now. He knows they're going to get scolded and he wants to enjoy this feeling a little more. He laughs as he surfs channels, there are people mad about it, people happy about it, people, people, people, all of them talking about him and Ryan, their relationship, them. Z is gone and Brendon feels like he's more light now.

He checks his texts when he hangs up, seeing most of them are from Jacky, some from Amanda, Cassie too, and some other friends. They're all joking about it, but the texts are mostly positive. He laughs when he finds one from Linda, telling him she's sorry the paps didn't let them enjoy what seemed like a perfect date, joking about asking Brendon some advice for Spencer next time they go on a date. Or maybe she's not joking.

Ryan is totally red, and Brendon smiles nervously when he moves to kiss his cheek. He knows this is not Ryan's cup of tea, he's done it for Brendon, to help him get better. Brendon's stomach twists a little thinking about the consequences this can have for Ryan, but he tries to push the feeling away. He wants to enjoy this, he wants to prove Ryan this was worth it.

"We look good, huh?" He asks, putting his arm around Ryan's waist, kissing his shoulder. "Do you regret it?"

"No," Ryan answers firmer than Brendon would have expected, and he smiles when he looks at Brendon. "I don't regret it at all."

Brendon smiles and breathes relieved when he hears it, kissing him again on the shoulder and even leaving a little bite.

"Z is gonna be so pissed at us," he says, unable to hold on the happiness he's feeling, laughing because it's been a long time since he's felt like this. Right now he could handle any shit.

Ryan answers, he says something but Brendon can't hear him because he's gotten a new text. He thinks it's Cassie asking him to call her or something, or maybe Jacky with more info. His face gets pale white when he sees it's none of them.

"It's Mark..." he says and his voice sounds weak, his hand shaking when he raises it to stop Ryan from saying anything he's going to say, his whole body feeling like he's going to vanish.

"Brendon..."

"No. No." No, because this is not what Ryan thinks, it has nothing to do with it. Brendon closes his eyes for a moment and opens them when he's sure he's not going to pass out, looking at Ryan and opening his mouth a couple of times before he can get the words out. "My dad is dead."

 

 

 


	12. Libel

Brendon is going to Vegas and Ryan doesn’t know what to do. He knows he doesn’t want to leave him alone and he offers to go with him, but Brendon says it’s better he stays here. Maybe showing up with him at his parents’ house is not the best idea, given the circumstances. Ryan understands and he just gets dressed while Brendon prepares his things and moves around the room still with the shock written all over his face. Ryan helps him and makes sure he doesn’t forget anything before they both go to the airport and he pays more attention to Brendon beside him than the road.

He feels a little useless and tries to be there for Brendon the best way he can, even though he has no idea about how to act. This reminds him of when he lost his mom, but the situation is totally different. He was barely a child and he had lived everything he could with his mom; Brendon had a complicated relationship with his family and Ryan can’t even imagine what’s going on in his mind right now as he looks the road through the window.

He hugs him hard and makes Brendon promise he would call as soon as he can as they listen to the last call for his flight. Ryan can’t help but feel his throat close and his stomach twist as he sees him go. He doesn’t go until the plane takes off and get lost among the gray clouds.

He’s anxious the whole day, pacing around the house, working out and playing in the backyard with the dogs. It’s Sunday and he has nothing to do, so he just keeps looking at his phone constantly, sighing and biting his nails as he waits for Brendon to say something.

Ryan calls Bob somewhere in the afternoon, asking for a few free days because of the death of a relative but not really telling him the truth. Bob doesn't ask, either and he is thankful for that because he doesn’t know what he’d say if Bob did. He doesn’t know how is going to feel Brendon when he comes back and he wants to be there for him. He calls Cassie too and tells her the bit he knows. He promises to call her again as soon as he knows more.

After that, he just lies on the couch with the phone close to him and biting his nails, with the dogs cuddling with him and running around the place while they wait. It’s midnight and he still hasn’t moved from there, and he’s thinking about sending a message to Brendon when suddenly he hears a key and the door opening.

Ryan is up and walking towards the door before he can think about it, confused and anxious and worried. The man walking into the house doesn’t look like a person at all, but a shadow, something that no longer exists. Brendon doesn’t even look at him, Ryan doubts he knows he’s here, and he just leaves the bag on the floor, closing the door behind him and falling down on the floor right away. He sits and leans back against the wood, hugging himself and hiding his face between his legs. Ryan feels something heavy falls down from his chest to his feet, and he thinks he’s never been so scared before. Everything in Brendon seems out of place, his skin livid and his clothes all wrinkled. Ryan feels himself break seeing him.

“Hey. Hey, Bren,” he whispers, walking slowly towards him and kneeling in front of Brendon carefully because he doesn’t know how he’s going to react. He swallows the lump in his throat and touches him softly, saying his name again.

For a moment, Brendon doesn’t react, as if he couldn’t hear him, feel him. He stays still, and he’s not even crying, he’s not showing anything and that’s not something Ryan has seen before. Everything Brendon does, the way Brendon lives, means showing emotions. Good or bad, a lot or just a little. But this, this emptiness, Ryan hasn’t seen it before.

“Ryan,” he whispers with his voice broken, husky like he had used it until he wore it off. He looks at Ryan raising his head, his eyes red and swollen but dry, and he almost looks like he’s going to break except for he’s already broken. There, lying on the floor, looking at Ryan’s eyes, Brendon is broken.

Ryan could expect crying, a lot of it. Screaming and rage. But this lifeless version of Brendon, Ryan doesn’t know what to do with it, he doesn’t know how to talk to him or touch him when he feels like anything he can say is gonna make him fall into pieces right in front of him.

“I’m here,” he tells him because that’s the only thing that occurs to him, the only thing he can offer. He moves and gets closer to Brendon when it seems like he’s not gonna push him away, sitting beside him and throwing his arm over Brendon’s shoulders, touching his cheek softly. “You’re home. I’m here. Come here,” he whispers, pulling him in to hug him close. Brendon seems to get smaller in his arms, he hides his face on Ryan’s neck, breathing. And it’s then when he starts to shake.

“The funeral is tomorrow,” he says like he wasn’t following Ryan’s line of conversation, or like he had his own inside his head. Ryan hugs him and rests his cheek on Brendon’s head, stroking Brendon’s back with a constant movement.

“Okay,” he says. He doesn’t know what else to say to that. He doesn’t know why Brendon is here when the funeral is tomorrow, but he’s not going to ask. He’s going to stay there, supporting him and listening to whatever he needs to say.

“My siblings asked me to come back home,” he says, and Ryan feels him frowning, twisting his face. “I couldn’t even… I didn’t… see the body,” he whispers, his teeth chattering like he’s freezing. Ryan feels a cold sweat running down his spine, leaving him stone cold and breathless. Brendon can’t be saying what Ryan thinks he’s saying, he can’t believe they… He wants to ask, make sure he understands this, but he doesn’t want to make this harder for Brendon.

“Bren…” Ryan murmurs, hugging him tighter to try and make him stop trembling. It doesn’t work. The sensations mix inside him, rage, annoyance, sadness. He tightens his jaw and swallows, focusing on Brendon. “Hey. What…? They didn’t…?” he doesn’t finish his questions because just seeing Brendon he can know the answers.

“They say it’s because of my mom…” Brendon explains, slowly and with half a voice, and he sounds like he’s trying to justify this as if he understands what they’ve done. “They wanted to save her the shame… and…” Brendon gets rigid, his body suddenly convulsing, “and so I didn’t kill her too. Because it was me, Ryan,” he whispers with fear in his voice. “I killed him.”

Ryan is glad he’s not in front of those people Brendon calls family right now, that they’re not in the same city as him because he doesn’t think he could tell them pretty things if he had the chance. They dare to blame Brendon after everything they’ve done to him, they make him say those things and Ryan shakes his head and feels his eyes filling up because he can’t, it hurts so much listening to him and seeing him like this. He swallows and controls himself, looking at Brendon and shaking his head again.

“Don’t you believe it for a second, you hear me?” he murmurs, looking at him and feeling his own chest breaking because of what he’s seeing. That’s not true. It’s not. You didn’t do anything wrong. You’re not responsible for this.”

Brendon laughs. He laughs bitterly and it sounds like acid sliding through his teeth. He laughs against Ryan’s body like he’s shaking, and he grabs his clothes without strength, trying to hold on something.

“I didn’t do anything wrong?” Brendon leans back to look at him, and just now, for the first time, Ryan can see his eyes shining. A shine that gets darker in a second. “You’re blind, Ryan.”

Ryan looks at him and doesn’t say anything. He’s not going to answer that because he knows Brendon is not in a good place right now and whatever he says is not going to help him. He uses his hand to pull Brendon’s hair back off his face in a sweet gesture, leaning in to kiss his forehead and letting his lips there for a few seconds.

“Let’s move, okay? You need to rest,” he says softly but he doesn’t move, waiting for Brendon to answer if he wants to. He doesn’t say anything, though, just looks at him with his eyes piercing into Ryan’s as if nothing he does could touch them. Ryan would lie if he said this situation isn’t too big for him. “Baby… Hey. Stay with me, okay?” he says and he sounds stupid but he feels like he has to say something, anything, not to lose Brendon in whatever it’s running through his mind.

He stands from the floor and moves Brendon with him because he doesn’t seem able to do it himself. His throat closes when he sees him limp and lifeless, like a puppet that’s not going to resist. He guides him through the corridor and the living room, upstairs, watching him close in case he can find something other than vacant apathy.

He feels himself trembling when he sits Brendon on the edge of the bed and bends down to take his shoes off, his hands unable to move properly. He helps him to take off the rest of his clothes and lies him down, talking to him the whole time, telling him he’s there, everything’s okay, he needs to rest. Ryan doesn’t know if repeating those things is to fill up the silence or to calm himself down. Sometime during the process, Brendon started crying silently, and Ryan just notices when he sees the wet trails sliding down his cheeks. He’s not making any sound, he doesn’t sob, just stays there with tears rolling down his face.

Brendon looks at him when they’re both lying down in bed and the emotions in his eyes are the only thing that seems to be alive. When he moves it’s almost like a ghost, when his fingers get closer to Ryan and grab him. He gets closer slowly because he doesn’t seem to do it faster. Brendon cuddles against Ryan like he’s trying to hide in him. He hugs him and just then Ryan feels Brendon’s fingers digging into his flesh hard.

“There,” Ryan whispers, hugging him as hard as he can without hurting him, his voice somehow shaky even though he tries to keep his emotions in line. “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere, I’m with you. Everything’s gonna be alright, okay? I promise, Bren,” he murmurs, closing his eyes and breathing, hoping Brendon can sleep a little. Brendon shakes his head, looking at him for a moment before Ryan feels his body twisting in his arms.

“I love you,” Brendon says, but it doesn’t sound like ‘I love you’, it sounds like ‘I’m sorry’. Brendon breaks down right there, every piece that makes him whole fall down when he sobs and shuts his eyes trying to hold back the tears.

“I love you too, Brendon. So much,” he says, repeating the last word softer when he feels it unstable in his throat. “Let it out, baby. Let it go,” he murmurs, kissing him wherever his lips touch, holding him as he sees him breaking right in front of him.

The way Brendon rips himself open and just cries his heart out feels impossible, the emotions so on edge it’s like he’s vibrating, disintegrating, living a nightmare. Brendon holds onto him like his life depends on it like he’s hanging on a cliff and Ryan was the only thing keeping him from falling down at the same time he feels like everything is lost already.

Ryan just holds him and controls his own breathing, feeling his cheeks wet with silent tears he can’t hold back. His chest twists with every one of Brendon’s sobs and he feels frustrated and angry and so, so lost seeing him like this, so different from the Brendon he knows, so far from reality. It’s like every sound of his throat took a piece of soul from him and he’s becoming something Ryan doesn’t know how to treat, something so vulnerable it scares just looking at it.

He’s not letting him go, anyway, as much as he’s terrified seeing him like this, as much as his thoughts run everywhere in his mind trying to control the situation without finding the confidence he needs. As much as he feels he’s doing a terrible work staying stable for Brendon. He stays where he is, hugging him, waiting for Brendon to let go of everything he has inside until he feels him grow limp in his arms, his sobs getting softer, maybe because he’s losing his voice. And, bit by bit, Brendon cries until exhaustion.

When the room is silent again Ryan moves to check Brendon’s breathing. It’s stupid, he knows, but he’s more relaxed when he does check it out. Brendon finally fell asleep out of tiredness. Ryan sighs and feels exhausted himself but sleep doesn’t seem to be something that’s going to happen soon so he just stays still, thinking, and letting the time go by without letting go of Brendon.

 

*

 

When Ryan wakes up the next morning his arm is tingling because Brendon’s weight is on it and he feels like he hasn’t slept in a week. For a moment he feels disoriented until he gets to focus his sight and it’s surprising seeing Brendon is still sleeping next to him. Or more like turned off, as if he ran out of battery and he couldn’t stay awake anymore. His eyes are swollen even if they’re closed, his hair standing up everywhere, some locks still sticking to his skin and what’s left of the tears sticking to his eyelids.

Ryan watches him for a while, remembering last night like it was a bad dream. He’s never felt so scared and useless when it came to Brendon. He tries to remain positive and think he’s going to wake up feeling better but he doesn’t really believe it so as he looks at him sleeping and touches him softly, he thinks maybe there’s something he can do to make Brendon’s morning better.

He leaves the bed carefully not to wake him, not bothering with a shower before getting out of the room and making sure the dogs are all where they have to be. On his way to the car, he remembers he didn’t say anything to Cassie and he writes her a quick message explaining things. He sees several calls and messages from Z and he makes a face as he writes to her too. He knows she must be angry, so he tells her he’ll explain when he has time, but he’s got an urgency right now.

He realizes how tired he is as he drives but he gets to the animal shelter all safe and sound, feeling anxious because he left Brendon alone at home. He takes a look around as fast as he can, smiling and knowing any of those dogs could make him feel better.

However, he doesn’t take long before he sees one, the one. The dog is a fur ball of energy, the girl says, the last one of a family that already found a home, the only one no one seems to want. His eyes are alive and smart and he reminds Ryan so much of Brendon he can’t help but think about him. He’s unable to stay still, happy and stubborn as he tries to catch his own tail. Ryan falls in love with him as soon as he sees him even though the girl warns him about the dog being a little troublemaker for the rest of dogs. He doesn’t care. The decision is made.

When he comes back home he tries to hold the little hurricane on his hands as the rest of the dogs gather around him wanting to know their new friend. Ryan can see they’re going to love him right away but he doesn’t let go of him for now because he wants to bring him to Brendon, hoping he’s not awake yet.

Brendon is still sleeping or he looks like it in the distance, and Ryan watches him for a few seconds before sighing and walks closer to the bed. He leaves the small puppy on the mattress and sits down to control him, relaxing when he sees Brendon has caught the dog attention. Ryan smiles and falls on the bed with a sigh, lying on top of the covers still fully dressed but snuggling Brendon from the back anyway, throwing his arm around his waist and feeling the tiredness all over his body.

Brendon moves on automatic towards him and gets one arm from under the covers to grab Ryan’s. Brendon makes a sound from his throat letting him know he’s waking up and Ryan feels it against him. It’s just a few seconds later when Brendon turns around to face him, hiding his face in Ryan’s neck, getting closer to him and sighing long and ragged.

“Hi,” Brendon whispers without moving, not looking at Ryan. Ryan takes a look at the puppy still inspecting Brendon without him noticing, walking on top of him a couple of times, and running around. It’s the second time the puppy steps on Brendon when Ryan feels him getting tense. “Ry, did you leave the window open?” Brendon asks in a whisper, his voice careful and soft.

“No,” Ryan answers frowning a little but smiling as he sees the dog running around. He tightens his hold on Brendon and kisses him on the head. “Everything’s closed. Why?”

“I felt… hmm. Ry, I think there’s a raccoon in the room,” Brendon says, frowning. “I felt like little paws…” Before he can finish his sentence, the puppy falls on top of Brendon’s head over the pillow, stepping on his face before getting under the cover. “What the…? Oh. Oh my God.” Brendon moves and opens his eyes fast, pulling at the sheets so he can look inside and looking at Ryan then. “Ryan?”

Ryan looks at him innocently but smiling, biting his lips and shrugging.

“It’s not a raccoon,” he says. Brendon laughs before closing his eyes and frowning a little, holding back a sigh when his eyes fill up and he looks down at the dog, who is now trying to get out to the surface, sniffing Brendon like crazy.

“It’s a puppy,” Brendon chokes, laughing before breaking into tears, moving to pet the dog, scratching him, letting him move under his hands. “Where did you get him from? Whose is it? What’s his name?”

“He’s yours,” Ryan says, clearing his throat when his voice gets stuck inside and looking at Brendon softly. “So you choose the name. I went to the shelter before… he looked like the most appropriate for you, maybe he reminds you of someone,” he says, laughing a little and looking at the dog. “I… just wanted to make you feel a little happier today, given the… circumstances, you know?”

Brendon nods, closing his lips in a thin line and swallowing before letting out a few tears, breathing hard. He gets as close to Ryan as he can, grabbing the puppy and leaving kisses all over him, letting the dog lick his face.

“I love you,” he says, the words muttered by the puppy’s fur, kissing the dog and wiping his tears away. “I love you. I love you so much,” he says again, and he laughs even if he’s unable to stop crying.

“You’re talking to the dog or me?” Ryan laughs softly, rubbing his face because being sleep deprived makes it harder for him to hold back tears, clearing his throat again and sighing. Brendon laughs and leans in to kiss him softly on the lips before turning back to the puppy, who is biting Brendon’s fingers playfully.

“Both of you,” Brendon answers, moving aside to make room for the dog, who is crawling back up, climbing the pillow, chewing at Brendon’s hair. Brendon looks up and then back at Ryan, closing his eyes and shaking his head. “You didn’t have to… We already have four, Ry. I thought you had enough with someone hyper around the house.”

“Actually I brought him to see if you two get the other one tired,” Ryan jokes, moving closer to Brendon and touching his nose with his own. “You know we can afford another dog perfectly, and three more if we wanted to. But this one is yours. It’s a present for you. I’d bring you all of them if it could make things better…”

“Vegas,” Brendon says, and his smile is sad but at least he’s smiling, lowering his head for a moment, swallowing and looking at the dog, snapping his fingers. “Vegas! Come here!” He repeats, and he snaps his fingers a couple more times but the dog finally pays attention and comes running, and it’s the first time Brendon’s eyes light up. He pets the dog, rubbing his ears, playing with him, laughing when he looks at Ryan. “This way Vegas will no longer mean sadness to me. This is my new Vegas. With you.”

Ryan smiles at him and nods, reaching out to rub the dog too and shaking his head when he sees him twist around and stick out his tongue, not staying still for a second.

“I love you too,” he answers Brendon’s words, looking at him with a knowing smile. Brendon smiles and nods, letting the dog go and pulling the covers off him so he can hug Ryan properly, tangling their legs together and getting his face in his neck, sighing. Ryan puts his arms around him and holds him close like he’s trying to make the pain go away with the hug, protect him from everything. “I wish I could do anything, but… I think I don’t know what,” he whispers, laughing softly and sliding his lips down Brendon’s cheek. “So I’m just… here. I’m here.”

“I know, I know,” Brendon answers, nodding, sighing in the hug and letting his muscles relax, his body melting in Ryan’s warmth. “Thank you,” he adds, sounding sincere and tired. Ryan wants to say him there’s nothing to thank him for because it’s the truth, but he just holds him tighter, resting his head on Brendon’s, smiling and looking at the newly named Vegas poking his nose under the pillow, wiggling his tail.

“You feel better? Need something?” he whispers. Brendon sighs, or takes a deep breath, filling his lungs and shrugging, looking at the puppy.

“I don’t know,” he answers, and it’s probably the answer to both questions. “I don’t feel… I don’t…” He says, looking at Ryan with tired eyes. “I should take a shower. I’m disgusting. Yesterday and everything has…”

“Okay,” Ryan nods, kissing him softly. “We can take a bath together if you want. I’m not in a hurry today, we have the whole day to do whatever you need.”

Brendon just nods without saying anything, starting to move to leave the bed. His movements are languid and heavy like it was really hard to do, and he stays sitting on the edge of the mattress for a second, just looking at nothing before standing up and caressing Vegas as a goodbye, starting to walk towards the bathroom. Ryan leaves him space and gets Vegas out of the room so he can meet the rest of the dogs, making sure he’s welcome before leaving them alone and come back to the bathroom, closing the door behind him.

Ryan sees Brendon kneeling on the floor, with his hand under the water falling down and filling the tub. He gets naked in silence without taking his eyes from him, waiting for something, anything. It’s true that he seemed to have woken better than the night before, but Brendon seems to be stuck in some kind of limbo between last night’s hell and his come back to earth like he’s breathing out of habit and not because he needs to.

He tries to give him some space, time so he can come back to himself bit by bit, but as the minutes go by and Brendon still hasn’t said anything Ryan starts to feel more anxious. Brendon looks at him when he stands in front of him and Ryan can see something in his eyes but he can’t quite know what it is. When he sits in the tub between Ryan’s legs Brendon just stays still. He doesn’t lean back against Ryan’s chest, just stays there with his eyes fixed in the water as he moves his fingers.

Ryan bites his lip and watches him closely, thinking about what to do. He doesn’t want to see him like this but it’s not like he can be otherwise, he can’t ask him to. It would be unfair to do it just because Ryan doesn’t know what to do about this whole situation. He has the right to be like this, as much as it hurts, Ryan can just be there for him and wait for it to go away. He sighs and takes the sponge, getting it wet.

“I’m gonna wash you, okay?” he says, but he doesn’t wait for Brendon’s answer before moving the sponge, sliding it carefully over Brendon’s back, letting the water fall down his skin. He does the same on his hair, making him lean his head back and whispering him to close his eyes, pulling the locks off his forehead.

He repeats his movements on his arms and chest, caressing the skin with the sponge, his heart beating fast as he slides it over his whole body. Brendon is still quiet and he doesn’t move, and if it wasn’t because Ryan can feel his chest rising and falling he’d think he’s not breathing anymore. He grabs Brendon softly and pulls him back against his chest, wanting to have him closer, wanting him to feel him there.

Brendon lets himself be pulled back and he falls limp against him. He looks for one of Ryan’s hands to put it around his waist, holding him hard when his chest shakes. Brendon looks up and Ryan doesn’t need to see him to know -to feel- he’s crying, sadness all over his skin.

Silence is not something that has ever bothered Ryan, but he got used to life with Brendon, full of laugh, music, conversations, and noise everywhere. Nothing like the Brendon he has right now lying against him, so sad and hopeless. He’d do anything for hearing him talk even if it’s just so he can know what’s running through his mind, whatever, but hearing him say what he’s feeling. Something. Anything but this distressing silence.

When he starts to sing his voice is rough and ragged, and he has to clear his throat so the sound can go out, starting again. He doesn’t think a lot about the song but somehow he ends up singing ‘You are my sunshine’, soft and low, and Ryan closes his eyes as he remembers his mother singing that same song to him.

“ _You are my sunshine, my only sunshine_ ,” he sings, holding Brendon tighter and touching his temple with the tip of his nose. “ _You make me happy when skies are gray. You’ll never know, my dear, how much I love you. Please don’t take my sunshine away._ ”

Brendon bursts out crying right then, his chest shaking hard and his arms moving over Ryan’s, hugging himself. He cries with everything he has, tearing up, letting out everything he didn’t let go the night before. He cries uncontrollably, just pure and real pain. He covers his face with one hand, his whole body shaking and fighting for air in deep breaths.

“ _Ryan_ ,” he calls him, or maybe he’s just saying his name, broken and barely audible before turning around to face him, hugging him so hard he digs his nails into the skin.  Ryan hugs him back hard and holds him close, but he doesn’t take long before getting out of the tub, bringing Brendon with him with the crying slows down a little.

He covers him with a towel and does the same with himself, bringing him back to the room and rubbing a towel on his hair fast. He talks to him the whole time, assuring him he’s there, that they can go back to bed if he wants, that ever’thing's going to be okay. Brendon looks at him and shakes his head, staring at him like there’s something wrong in all this.

“I don’t even know why…” He shakes his head, lowering his head, whimpering, digging his fingers into Ryan’s flesh. “I don’t…” He says and he looks at himself like there’s something obvious there. “You deserve so much more than this,” he lets out with his voice broken, breathing heavily. Ryan frowns and shakes his head, using his hand to hold Brendon’s chin and make him look at him.

“That’s not true,” he says low but firm. “I don’t want anything else, you hear me? Just you. Just you, Bren. I don’t need anything else, you understand? Nothing that’s not your… your Disney songs and your breakfast with bacon, or the way of using me as a mattress instead of using the real one we have. You have made me feel things that… You have given me so much. I don’t… I can’t want anything else,” he says, watching every one of Brendon’s gestures. He shakes his head as he looks at him, frowning and closing his eyes.

“No, no, it’s just. No. Why? I don’t understand what…” Brendon swallows and his lips tremble when he speaks again. “Ryan, I’m not… Can’t you see I’m trouble?” He asks lowering his voice, and he’s asking like he really needs to know the answers; like he doesn’t understand how Ryan can’t see it. “Not even my own family… Ryan.” His lips curve in a bitter smile before he breaks down in tears. “I don’t know why you love me… I don’t know what you see in me…”

“Then I’ll show you. And I’ll do a list of everything that makes me love you if I have to,” he says, grabbing Brendon’s cheeks and looking right at his eyes. “And if I have to remind it to you every day from now on, I’ll do it too. Whatever it takes. I love you. And I want to be with you. I don’t care about the rest.”

Brendon looks at him and Ryan can see in his eyes he does not understand this, that there’s something off about it. When he moves, when Brendon leans in, he does it slowly and for the first time, it’s not because he can’t move faster, but because his emotions are pulling him back. He kisses him. He kisses him looking at him and the kiss tastes strange before Brendon breathes in it. He tightens his jaw and slides his face against one of Ryan’s hands.

“Show me,” he asks in a low voice, soft and embarrassed and afraid. “Love me. Show me. Please.”

Ryan hears his words and the ones he’s not saying and he knows exactly what he’s asking for because he can see it in his eyes, could feel it in the kiss if his words weren’t clear enough. He takes a moment to think, wondering if he should, if it’s the right moment or if the reasons are the right ones. But the truth is he’s made a decision before he can answer those questions because above all answers is what Brendon needs. And if that’s what he needs from him now, Ryan doesn’t have to think about anything else.

He nods and kisses Brendon, opening his mouth and touching him softly with his tongue. Brendon trembles and his moan sounds more like a sob but he searches Ryan’s hands, grabbing his wrists and making him touch his chest, his belly, his thighs.

“Touch me,” he whispers against Ryan’s lips, tangling their fingers together and tightening the grip on the muscle. “Let me feel it.”

Ryan nods and does as he asks, positioning himself on the bed and moving Brendon with him until they’re comfortable, letting the towels fall to the floor.

“Tell me what you want me to do,” he murmurs breathy, his hands still holding Brendon’s thighs in a firm grip as he looks at him. “Ask me anything you want.”

“I want…” Brendon clenches his jaw, looking down at the hands on his thighs. He whispers when he speaks again. “Make it hurt,” he says, staring at Ryan’s eyes, begging. “I need… I need to feel you, Ryan. As much as I can.”

Ryan nods again and leans in to rest his forehead against Brendon’s, looking at him to read every one of his gestures as he slides his hand up to his chest, scratching the skin on his way down to let red trails on the flesh. He brings his mouth to Brendon’s neck, right where the shoulder begins, and opens it to dig his teeth in, knowing he’s going to leave a mark. He just lets go to suck on the skin with his tongue.

He feels Brendon tense and relax again, but his whole body moves looking for his hands and mouth, offering himself. He looks at him before kissing him, opening his mouth softly like he’s waiting for Ryan to continue the kiss, offering his mouth. Brendon digs his own nails on his thighs and slides them up before letting go and bringing his arms up, abandoning himself to Ryan.

He kisses him again, hard, biting him with no mercy, opening his mouth and getting his tongue in. Ryan keeps moving his hands, scratching, digging in his fingers, pinching the skin and his nipples. He does exactly what Brendon wants him to do, leaving dark marks all over his body. He uses his mouth too, intoxicated with the feeling of power, kissing, biting, licking and leaving his teeth and hands everywhere.

Brendon moans softly, his eyes fixed on Ryan but looking at him blurred, brightly. The sounds leaving his mouth are different depending on the intensity and the way he reacts tells Ryan when he’s being too soft or when the pain is a lot. However, Brendon is hard between their bodies, wet and burning hot, and every time he cries out in pain Ryan feels his cock pulsing against his belly like that’s just what he needs.

“Ryan…” he calls, lowering one of his hands to his chest, touching his nipples, pinching one of them, arching like there’s something inside him it will only come out if he tears his skin open. “More. Don’t hold yourself back. Do whatever you want, don’t…” He moans and grunts like an electric shock just hit him. “I like it. I need this,” he adds in a lower voice like he’s embarrassed by it.

Ryan looks at him and doesn’t say anything, sliding down his body and knowing his eyes must be melted because he feels like burning butter. Adrenaline tingles in his fingertips and tightens his muscles. He doesn’t look away from him as he pushes his legs apart, bringing his mouth to Brendon’s groin. He bites him there, moaning as he bites hard, wanting to feel his blood pulsing under the skin and to leave a purple mark on the flesh. He does this a few times, leaving a trail up to his belly and moving his hand to grab Brendon’s hard cock, tight and strong, making him moan and twist on the mattress.

Ryan didn’t know this could feel like this, make his cheeks burn and his lungs work as their best. He didn’t know having Brendon at his mercy this way, making him and using his strength with him was going to make him drip wet where he’s touching the sheets. When he’s satisfied with all the marks he’s left on him, Ryan tells him to turn around. Brendon looks at him with his chest rising and falling hard and his eyes wide open, opening his mouth but not saying anything. He closes them, his eyes and his lips when he turns around. Exposing his back and ass and opening his legs, hiding his face on the pillow.

Ryan doesn’t waste time, mostly because he feels eager to be inside Brendon as soon as possible. He wants to do something first, though, he wants to mark all that skin the same way he did with the front, and he slides his nails down Brendon’s back as he brings his mouth to his ass. He bites him a few times, breathing against the skin, moving to his back when he’s done there, up to his shoulders and the back of his neck. Brendon groans and gasps, moving against him and shaking under his hands, saying his name and God’s like it is the same one as his whole body shines with sweat.

“Ryan, please. Please. Now,” he asks, begs, but he’s not asking Ryan to stop, he wants Ryan to keep on, to go further. “Inside me. Break me in pieces.

Ryan nods as he licks his shoulder for the last time, using one of his hands to close Brendon’s legs a little. He’s not going to prepare him but he uses a lot of lube to make it easier, guiding himself as he looks for Brendon’s lips, kissing him.

Brendon groans and bites him, breathing harshly when Ryan slides in and tightening his grip on the covers as he opens his legs more to give him room. He pushes back, opening himself and trying to make Ryan force himself inside, looking at him when the kiss breaks and nodding even though his eyes are wet. It has to hurt, even though they do this often, Brendon is not usually a bottom, he’s more tense than normal and Ryan is not average.

He stops when he can’t keep going anymore, kissing him again and biting him softly this time, trying to catch his breath. He breathes and kisses him sweetly, waiting for Brendon to give him the sign when he’s ready for him to move. Brendon doesn’t do it, he just moves instead, hard, growling and pushing up with his hips to change the angle. He murmurs something like ‘come on’  and looks away, his eyes lost, letting his head fall down.

That’s enough for Ryan to get the not so subtle hint, starting to move inside and out of him, long and slowly but firm, trying to look for the right point and making their skin sound with the impact.

“Hey,” he calls him, wanting Brendon to pay attention to him. “Look at me. Look at me, Bren. I want to see you. Stay with me.”

“Make me,” Brendon asks, raising his head and letting it fall to the back, moaning when he closes his eyes. “Pull my hair and make me.”

Ryan swallows and brings his hand up to his hair, tangling his fingers there but not pulling on it. He doesn’t tighten the hold, just makes Brendon turn his head softly, waiting for him to do it without forcing him. Brendon does and looks at him, but then he turns his head hard looking for the pull, his eyelids fluttering shut when he gets it and looking at Ryan then.

“Like this,” he whispers, nodding, moving harder against Ryan’s body to enhance the thrusts, feel them harder. “Don’t stop now, Ry. I’m not gonna last. I need you.”

Ryan closes his eyes for a moment, for the moment he needs to realize that somehow he’s not going to be able to stop this. He decides to speed up his movements, trying to get Brendon to the edge, but he softens the grip on his hair and just leaves his hand there. He leans in to kiss him so he can keep Brendon’s face in front of his, leaving his forehead against Brendon’s.

“Don’t stop looking at me…” he gasps, keeping his own eyes open and making everything he knows to make Brendon come. Brendon obeys, he nods and obeys and Ryan could expect him to be gone like before, but instead, Brendon looks at him and Ryan sees it’s not like that. Brendon is not gone, he’s lost.

“Can you…?” Brendon pants, moving his hands on the sheets to hold himself in place. “I need you to touch me to…”

Ryan feels something inside him break when he hears him. Seeing him and feeling him. He knew from the beginning Brendon wasn’t in the best place, that maybe this wasn’t happening for the right reasons, but right now, right in this moment, looking at him, is when Ryan realizes this was a bad idea. And it’s his entire fault.

He slides out of Brendon’s body for the few seconds it takes to turn him around, thrusting inside again and grabbing his cock, starting to move his hands and his hips. And he kisses him. He kisses him and kisses him and keeps kissing him as he makes everything he can to end this, feeling like his body is no longer enjoying this; like the pleasure is gone.

Brendon holds on him desperately, hugging him as if they didn’t do it since ages. He hugs him and shakes and trembles, his whole body twitching as Brendon kisses him back, saying his name all over again and not drawing his lips away from Ryan’s like he’s afraid of losing him if he does.

“I love you,” Ryan murmurs against his lips. And it sounds like ‘I’m sorry’ in his head, too, his eyes fixed on Brendon’s even though Ryan feels ashamed of what he’s done right now. “I love you so much.”

Brendon looks at him, staring at his whole face before going back to Ryan’s eyes. He licks his lips and shakes, holding him closer, so much Ryan can barely move his hand, getting his legs around Ryan’s waist.

“Say that again,” Brendon asks softly, looking at Ryan expecting it, with his breath stuck in his throat, like his body is waiting for Ryan’s words to keep functioning.

“I love you,” Ryan says again without second thoughts, feeling the sweat on his lips mixing with Brendon’s. “More than anything,” he adds, repeating it again and again between gasps until Brendon bites his mouth in a kiss to shut him up.

Ryan can feel it, the way Brendon seems to lose his body and just melt right before he tenses and Ryan can feel his orgasm sliding through his fingers to the palm of his hand and against his belly, staining both of them as Brendon’s moans long and rough. He keeps moving on automatic, wanting to make this the best he can for Brendon, feeling him tight around him and how his own body reacts.

It’s just that, though. His body reacts like it’s no longer his and he can feel himself tremble and tense and come. But he can’t feel the pleasure that usually comes with it. He feels like the only sincere thing he’s doing for Brendon is in his mouth, and he keeps kissing him the whole time, wanting to give him with his tongue everything he hasn’t given him when he chose the wrong way.

Brendon kisses back softly and sweetly, still breathing hard as he moves his hands down Ryan’s back. He sighs and brings one of them to Ryan’s face, touching his cheek and pulling his hair back behind his ear. He does this a few times until he lets the hand fall down on the mattress, breaking the kiss. Ryan pulls back to look at him then, searching in his eyes, feeling his guts upside down and his heart beating hard not because what they just did.

“Hey,” he whispers, touching him softly and pulling out carefully. “Good?” he asks, and he feels a lump in his throat when he realizes he doesn’t want to know the answer. That maybe he’s afraid of knowing it.

“I love you too,” Brendon answers, looking at him with his eyes half closed and that shine like glass behind his eyes, the shine that has been there since the beginning. Ryan nods but he notices Brendon hasn’t answered his question. He doesn’t ask again anyway, maybe because he’s too much of a coward for it.

He leaves a sweet kiss on his lips instead, caressing his skin a few times before moving away.

“Be right back,” he says, kissing his cheek before leaving the bed. He tries not to think too much as he goes to the bathroom. He doesn’t think about how his hands are shaking and he feels like choking on every breath. He grabs a towel and wets it a little before going back to the room, lying down next to Brendon.

He watches him as he slides the towel over his forehead to wash away the sweat, slowly, bringing it to his belly then so he can clean the rest of the orgasm. Brendon looks at him the whole time, or maybe he’s looking at himself, every scratch and mark of force. He looks at Ryan after that, sighing a little.

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” he says with his voice a little husky, looking at Ryan’s eyes. “This is what I… I wanted this, Ryan.”

“Yeah…” Ryan nods, putting a clean side of the towel over one of Brendon’s scratches, cleaning it softly. He swallows and forces himself to be convincing because he doesn’t want Brendon to feel bad about this, looking at him and nodding with a small smile. “I know,” he pretends he hasn’t heard the words Brendon has not said, that guilt is not eating him alive, that he doesn’t want to ask him why this is what he wanted. For once, he pretends quite good.

Brendon looks at him and smiles too, softly, barely a twitch on his lips, but there it is, and he keeps watching Ryan’s movements until he’s done, pulling on him so he lays down on the bed. For a moment it seems like he’s going to hug him again but he just rests his hand on Ryan’s chest, staying close to him but not cuddling.

“I know you have a lot of things to do… But, could you stay here with me a little?” Brendon asks, his voice sounding tired. “I’m not strong enough to get out of bed yet. Or you can leave the door open, let the dogs come in. I’m sure that little one you brought is messing around already.”

Ryan smiles and cuddles with him, careful not to touch the scratches that must sting a little because of the sweat. It’s a selfish move, maybe, because he feels like he owes this to Brendon, that he has to make it up to him.

“The only thing I have to do is stay with you,” he says, kissing his forehead. “Nothing else. So we can do whatever you want.”

Brendon laughs dry and closes his eyes, but Ryan can see on his face there’s something he’s not saying, anyway. He breathes in before smiling again, wider but more bitter somehow, or maybe Ryan’s feelings are making him see this darker than it is.

“Let me rest for a while. Just that.”

“Okay,” he says, sighing. “You need something to…?” he asks, pointing to the marks on Brendon’s skin.

“No, leave them there,” Brendon answers, looking down and touching one of the deeper scratches with his fingers, pressing with the back of his nail without flinching or looking like it hurts at all. “They’re where they need to be.”

 

 

 

 


	13. Bang out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is it, my friends. I can't believe it's over, and also I can't believe we finished this fic on Ryan's birthday... Interesting. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this journey as much as we did (more, in fact, cause translating sucks lol), and I hope you enjoy this last chapter as well... as much as you can.

 

 

 

Sometimes Brendon looks in the mirror and doesn't like what he sees. Some other times, he loves it. He guesses that's what happens to most people, those who doesn't experience any kind self-image related issue. Sometimes we like us more and sometimes we don't like us at all, sometimes our image represents ourself and sometimes not. When Brendon looks at himself in the bedroom mirror the next morning, just wearing his underwear, while Ryan is still sleeping, he can say he's never seen himself so in syinc with how he feels on the inside.

He didn't look at them again, the marks, since that moment, since he put on his clothes and tried to go on with his life so he wouldn't worry Ryan. He's not sure if he managed or not, pretending is becoming more and more difficult lately. Now, when he's looking at them again, Brendon gets lost in the picture, like staring at a masterpiece.

They don't look the same now, the same they looked freshly made, they're nothing alike. The colors stand on his pale skin, reds, greens, purples. This is him, this is what he's become, a handful of bruises and broken feelings. This is the only thing he's worth for, receiving a kind of pain his body is becoming addicted to. This is what he is now, and where he's dragging Ryan too. He's forcing him down, he's burying Ryan with him.

He closes his eyes and doesn't cry because he has no tears left, but his eyes hurt the same, his head, the feeling of imminent destruction, everything crumbling. It's happened so fast, everything: meeting each other for the fist time, wanting each other, falling in love, kisses, home, press, the woman, the insecurities, the paranoia. Brendon was falling into a self-destruction and self-hatred spiral, maybe because people who are not used to something good happening to them don't know how to react when it finally happens, they don't know how to handle it. Maybe this could have been stopped if the had found the problem earlier, if Brendon had talked about it earlier, if Ryan had understand it differently... It doesn't make sense feeling sorry now. There's no solution anymore. Now it's impossible

 

*

 

He was five. Maybe six, Brendon doesn't remember. He's never thought about it until now. He was five (or six) while he wondered with his eyes full of tears and his snotty nose what did he do wrong, bended over his mom's lap while she spanked him with an old kitchen spatula made of wood. Hands are for love, she said, that's why she used objects to teach discipline. Brendon didn't understand it, maybe because he was too dumb, but her hands were the ones holding the objets.

His mom never hit him while she was mad, because wrath is a sin. That doesn't mean she never got mad at him, she did, but she always waited to calm down before doing something about it. That gave Brendon time to be terrifying by the time she called his name. He will never forget her face, always the same, while she waited for him sitting on a chair with her legs pressed together, asking him to bend over her knees.

"I'm not spanking you because I'm mad, Brendon. I'm spanking you because this is the right thing to do. You need discipline. You need to know what you did was bad, Brendon."

And Brendon shut his eyes and cried, cried without saying a word because he knew that no matter what his mom would only stop when she thought she should. He was five, six, and he cried. He was nine when he hated her. Brendon knew he would go to hell for hating his mom but sometimes it looked like a nice price to pay just so he didn't have to spend the eternity by her side.

His dad never hit him, and just because of that Brendon looked at him differently. A while later he found out his dad never hit him because he probably didn't even know Brendon existed. His dad job was going to work Monday to Friday, and drive them to church on Sunday. Kids, that was women's work. Anyway, Brendon heart hurt a little more when his dad stopped talking to him too.

That time, when Brendon was balling his eyes out crying while he was punished for something he didn't know, his mom hit him until her hand was tired, until his butt cheeks and thighs where almost black, so much he cried every time he had to sit down.

"What you did was disgusting. It's for deviants," she had said. "I won't have a deviant under my roof, you hear me?"

What he did, the greatest sin he had committed at such short age and what had warned his mom about what was to come, was kissing his friend Josh. A kiss, with his lips pressed shut and his chubby cheeks, because Brendon loved him so much and he was such a good friend he wanted to kiss him, like David and Jonathan in The Gospel. Brendon learned the story the previous Sunday at the church, and like David and Jonathan kissed because they were best friends, Brendon kissed Josh.

Never again.

Brendon never kissed anybody again. No one. Receiving kisses, that was okay, that wasn't wrong, but kissing... His mom made him believe his kisses were the problem, there was something wrong with them. So Brendon never kissed anyone else ever. Not until he came to Chicago.

 

 

*

 

Ryan is so attentive. Brendon can't stand it. The way he hugs him, he kisses him, he cares for him, the way he's not going to practice just to stay with him. For him. Everything Ryan is doing, he's doing it for him, and Brendon can't stand it. He can't stand watching how Ryan treats him like he's the best person in the world, like he deserved all of this, like Brendon wasn't the chaos responsible of turning Ryan's life upside down, the one who dragged him to this dark place, the one who brought darkness to his home.

The dogs are sad too, they can feel it in the air, the gray smell. If Brendon though he couldn't be more useless now laying in bed, the couch, wherever he lies because Ryan moved him there, proves him wrong. He feels like a corpse trapped in a living body, and his rotten smell is draining the life of everything around him.

"Tell me what you need, Bren. Anything you need, tell me."

Brendon wants to cry hearing the sadness in Ryan's voice, and he wants to laugh when he things about the answer, about what he needs. A gun, a rope, a blade. That's what he needs. The problem is he's too much of a coward or maybe too selfish, and he knows that's what he needs but it's not what he wants. He doesn't want it.

Ryan stops trying to fix everything that's broken with him when he realizes he will only get an empty look and a "I don't know" that Brendon pushes up his throat in case Ryan can't see it written on his face. He starts suggesting plans, walking the dogs together, go to the movies, buying some toy for Vegas. Ryan talks to him slow and sweet, holding his hands, stroking them.

Brendon agrees because he doesn't have the heart to tell him no, but he's not sure if that's even worse, watching himself draining the color of everyplace he walks. Ryan sees it, he notices it, and Brendon wonders how many time does he have left before Ryan finally understand Brendon is not what he thought, before he sees Brendon's true self. Brendon doesn't want that, he doesn't want Ryan to see him, he doesn't want him to know the truth.

What hurts the most is seeing the effect this has on Ryan, the insecurities Brendon can see growing inside him, not knowing what to do, feeling lost. That's what Brendon is doing, he's hurting Ryan.

If only his mom could see him now.

 

*

 

The first time Brendon tied Shane’s hands, pushed him against the bed and covered him in marks he almost throws up barely five minutes after they finished. Finding himself that way, understanding that part of himself he never knew before made him shiver.

He couldn't help comparing. The hits, the tension, the calm in his voice, the rush in his veins. I liked it. Hurting, controlling, domination, leaving marks, disciplining. He wanted to feel disgusted with himself, seeing himself reflected in everything he always hated. And it didn't matter the situation wasn't the same, this was consensual, they were a couple, this was just sex play. It was still twisted for him. In his head he was watching himself following the say pattern he had suffer. For a moment he wished it was the other way around, if his unpleasant childhood had to affect his sexuality somehow, he wanted it to be liking being hurt, not hurting other people. He tried, in fact. He experimented. He tried everything he could on himself just to see if dominating was the only thing that did the click or he was just a deviant into every paraphilia ever.

He was able to find pleasure in pain, but not in taking orders or being dominated, and that helped him feel a little less like a monster. He could understand how someone could enjoy him hurting them, and that made him let himself go, live his sexuality in the most healthy way he could. Maybe he should have worked on the rest of his other problems too, but he was too young, too impatient. He took what he needed and buried the rest, thinking it will never come out again. Shane convinced him it'll be that way and Brendon chose to believe him.

That was the worst decision of his life: Shane.

Cassie doesn't talk about him, Jacky doesn't talk about him, none of his friends talk about him. They all felt betrayed, but somehow Brendon felt he had gotten lost in that sea of resentment. He couldn't talk about it, he couldn't share his pain, he couldn't vent. Nobody talked about Shane because all of them felt too stupid for not seeing what was coming, and Brendon ended up swallowing those three years of a toxic relationship, pushing it down to the bottom of his stomach, it became something taboo.

He thought about telling Ryan about it, telling him about all of his insecurities, being strong enough to explain it, let him know what was wrong with him. But what could have Ryan done? Ryan's not a magician, no matter how sometimes he seems to do magic. Ryan wouldn't be able to erase every time Brendon felt humiliated, every time a sharp and well-aimed word made him feel he wasn't worth it, he was too little. Ryan wouldn't make disappear every time Brendon heard his friends say how great Shane was, how good, how lucky was Brendon to have found him, reinforcing how inferior he felt. Ryan wouldn't erase from his memory every time Shane explained to their friends with long and complicated words how people dominate in bed to compensate how weak they were in real life, how he asked Brendon to agree with him.

What would Ryan do when Brendon told him the last thing Shane said before breaking up was the only thing he felt for him all this time was pity, and everybody who said they loved Brendon just felt pity too? Ryan wouldn't do anything, except pitying him.

 

*

 

Thinking about it, maybe this was about to explode sooner or later, Brendon being like a firecraker with a wet fuse placed under the sun. After all, his mom already said sometimes he was the devil's son, and what is it more satanic than making it all blow up and go to hell?

He doesn't know if Ryan finds him weird that night while they're dinning in silence, weirder than usual. Maybe he's used to it already, to his empty looks at the defeaning silence. Maybe he's getting used to it, living this way, because loving Brendon blinds him so much he's maybe the rest of his senses too. Ryan would accept it, Brendon knows it. Living like this, like dead, empty shells. If there's something Brendon can't allow is exactly that.

Brendon doesn't know he's going to do it until he does it. Or so he says to himself. Maybe he knew, maybe it was that little voice screaming in his brain every time the rest of them screamed louder. Maybe his reasons aren't the right ones, Brendon doesn't doubt that, but the result is the one that it needs to be. 'The end justifies the means' never made more sense in his head.

That night he feels sick. While he watches Ryan sleeping by his side and his eyes well up with tears, his stomach twists and he feels sick. It's barely four in the morning, Ryan will wake up in a few hours, ready to go on with his life like any other day. Brendon strokes his hair and kisses his forehead, shutting his eyes hard so no treacherous tear fall over his face and disturb his peaceful expression. Brendon knows this is the highest peak, this is every goal, what he feels for Ryan can't be overtaken, the way he loves him is inconceivable. And with that thought, he leaves the bed.

His heart pounds hard in his chest, fast and loud, and it feels like it has doubled its size because he can feel it in his throat, tightening it, make him unable to swallow. It feels like his heart is going to jump out of his body when he opens the closet, and it's not just his hands but his whole body that trembles, losing stability when he gets his clothes out. Not all of it, just the ones he had before meeting Ryan. The suits, the new, expensive clothes, those he leaves them. He leaves the important clothes because he knows he won't need them anymore. When he gets dressed, he puts on his red hoodie, the one Ryan bought him not so long ago when they started dating and what feels like ages now. It doesn't smell like Ryan but Brendon smells it anyway, because it doesn't smell like Ryan but it smells like them. Them. 

A concept about to stop existing.

His eyes burn when he looks at the wall, the moonlight reflecting on the pictures. Brendon gets closer and touches them, remembers every moment, how those two worlds became one. He wants to smile when he finds the picture of them both in Cassie's back yard with baby Joanna in Ryan's arms. He wants to smile but he swallows a painful sob. He doesn't pick up his photos. He doesn't because those photos are his life, and his life stays here with Ryan.

The morning feels cold when he gets out of the room, maybe because his sould has stayed back inside. The silence makes the house seem almost strange, and Brendon hates knowing this will be the last thing he will remember of it. Brendon hates knowing this will be the last thing he will remember of everything. He walks downstairs in silence, not making any sound. His steps are lifeless, they're his twins.

Everything is so strange, that feeling. It's like this is his first day of school when he was a little kid, when the holidays were over and his mom woke him up when the sun wasn't up yet, leaving him sitting on the edge of the bed waiting for him to get dressed and put on his shoes, needing more time than usual for it because he feels out of place in the world. Right now Brendon feels out of place within himself.

His clothes seems such little thing inside his suitcase, the same he used when he moved here. He had more things back then, books, work related stuff, notebooks full of notes from his classes, a box full of pictures. Now it's just clothes in a suitcase. Just what he needs to get away from his life, to leave it. Enough to survive.

Some could say he's crazy, doing what he's doing, losing everything anyone could dream having. But how could he stay? How could he stay knowing what he's doing to Ryan? How could he stay knowing he's so little, when there's no mirror tall enough to reflect him as big as Ryan needs him by his side? What does it matter thinking about how much he's going to hurt Ryan doing this, hasn't he hurt him enough already? Does it matter hurting him a little more if in the end he's ripping himself away from Ryan's life, delivering him from evil?

He thinks about Spencer and his knowing smile, thinking, maybe saying he saw it coming, saving an "I told you so" that maybe he will say within a few days after he's gone, because Brendon doesn't fully know Spencer but he knows him enough. He thinks about every press media who said Brendon would cost Ryan too much. He thinks about his mom telling him he would never love for real, his love was poison.

Right now he would look at them all at their faces, him mom, his family, Spencer, the press, the sponsors, every one, he'd look at them with his red and swollen eyes, showing them his shame and telling them yes, yes, you were right. You were right, I wasn't enough, I wasn't good, I wasn't convenient. Everything you said was right. But that's it. I've already understand it, I've already chew and swallow and digested. And I'm going to do what you all were expecting, what you all wanted. 

And no, no, for God's sake, Brendon's not that weak, he's not so pathetic to believe people when they say things that are not true, it's just that it is the truth! Cassie always told him to ignore the comments, since she met him the first time. In the end people get tired of telling you the things you've done wrong, they forget about it. Brendon doesn't doubt it, he knows there has been bigger scandals that people have forgotten in the end, and everybody keeps on with their life. But what about you? Can you forget about it? You never forget about it, at least not Brendon. Brendon remembers everything and he has to live with it, with every mistake, with every wrong word, with every humiliation, with every time he's reenacted a situation in his head trying to understand what he did wrong, how could he fix it. No, Brendon doesn't forget anything, especially when the answer to those questions is him, it's his fault, he's incurable, and the bad things that happened to him happened because he deserved them for being like he is.

He's tired. He's tired of not being what he should be, of not being enough, of not being what Ryan needs, of not being able to make him see it, of not being brave enough to change things and not being a coward enough to let things be as they are.

He's tired of being him. He's tired of being.

When everything is set, he goes to say hi to the dogs.

No. Not to say hi. He goes to say goodbye.

He brings a hand to his chest, digging his fingers in it trying to pull the pain away when he falls on his knees and the dogs aproach him, carefully, in silence, like they know something is wrong. Because something is wrong. Brendon muffles his sobs in Zeppelin's fur when he hugs him, petting Hilda's head while Aunt Em tries to fit between his legs, cuddling with him.

He's going to miss them so much. Brendon doesn't think he's going to be able to walk away from this house with a piece of humanity intact inside him. Everything good, everything that shines stays here, with them. And God knows Brendon is happy for that, he's happy they have it because he doesn't need it anymore.

Vegas comes running, unable to stop before crashing with Zeppelin, then trying to climb him. Brendon holds him in his arms when the little devil tries to chew the hem of his hoodie looking for attention. He hugs him and kisses his head. He's been so unfair with that puppy. It's been just a few days since Ryan brough him hom and Brendon hasn't know how to love him properly, he's not been there to care for him, he's failed him. That puppy is the image of all his failures.

When he looks up a lump forms in his throat when he sees Rat looking at him from the distance, sitting, not moving. She's not coming to say goodbye, like she knows what Brendon is about to do and she wasn't okay with being part of it. Brendon wipes his tears away and tries to smile, but it comes out so bitter he almost can taste it at the bottom of his tongue.

"Rat. Rat, baby, come here," he calls her without managing not to choke up the words. "Come on, come here. Just... please," he asks when he feels breaking down again, and he doesn't know how many times he's going to break before he's nothing but dust.

His tears fall heavier when Rat finally gives up and walks towards him, slowly, until she's right there, cuddling at his feet. She lets him pet her, touch her, kiss her, and tell her to be a good girl, to remember that he loves her, he loves her so much. When he gets up, he goes to his suitcase to take one of his shirts, leaving it to Rat's bed to put it down there. Rat lays on top of it immediately, and Brendon tells the rest of the dogs to go to bed before he goes back to the living room.

It's now or never. While he picks up a pen and a piece of paper he thinks: it's now or never. And it's just cowardice why he's doing it like this instead of waiting till tomorrow and looking at Ryan's eyes, telling him everything he's going to write down. He couldn't do it, he wouldn't be brave enough. He wouldn't be able to look him in the eye and refuse anything that Ryan could ask him to do. If he waits until tomorrow and Ryan asks him to die for him, Brendon would do it. That's why he needs to do it today. Because no matter how much Ryan says it, Brendon is not brave and he's never been.

He remembers, while the pen shakes in his hand, every time he's said to Ryan they will always be together, no matter what, he would be there by his side. He was such a fool thinking Ryan was the only one he could never lie to, like it was some kind of sign, finding someone to show all your battle scars and for them to kiss them instead of looking away. In the end Ryan has been the one Brendon has lied to the most, he's made him live a lie. That's how Brendon has paid back Ryan for his love.

_"I love you. I know I've told you more times than you could remember, but I needed to say it once more. Maybe because I though starting this letter with something pretty would make it easier for me to say the ugly. It's not. And I'm sorry, Ryan. I wish I could make this easier for you, I wish I could stop hurting you even when that's exactly what I'm trying to do. Stop. I told you once I would ruin your life and here I am, here you've got what I've turned the house into these days, here you've got what I've turned you into, what I've turned myself into. I don't even know who I am anymore."_

He wipes his tears away hard and fast when two of them fall on the paper, trying to dry it with the hem of his hoodie then. He curses when the ink gets blurry, needing to write over the words again.

_"I know you love me too, I know, you make me feel it. In the way you look at me, the way you talk to me, and the way you touch me, in the way all of that blinds you so much you've never seen me. I don't love myself, Ryan, because I do see myself. I see all the bad that's in me, I see what they've always said, and I see how the good things that used to hide all that bad are gone. It's choking me. Seeing how I get smaller every day, more useless, more dispensable. And still I'm selfish because I don't want you to see it, I don't want you to see the real me, I don't want you to realize who I am and throw me out of your life. That's why I'm leaving. Before that happens, I'm leaving."_

I'll always be with you, what an irony. Brendon is a liar. He is a liar, he is, he's been a liar his whole life and he'll always be.

_"Don't doubt for a minute I've spent the best moments of my life by your side, I've never been so happy as I've been with you, and I'll never be that happy again, but that's okay, that's how it has to be. I'm not running away from you, baby, I'm running away from myself, from everything that breaks me and absorbs me and makes me feel empty on the inside. And if I could get out of my skin and leave my body behind, that body I don't recognize anymore, I would. I just hope and wish you forget about me soon, you find someone else to make you as happy as I've never been able to do, as you've always made me. Don't love me, Ryan, because I will love you for the rest of my life."_

He goes upstairs again, holding on the railway because every step he takes he feels more dizzy, he's less full. He turns the doorknob more firm than he thought he would be. And he stays right there, at the door, covering his mouth with his hand because he feels like dying.

He tightens his jaw when he steps in, and his tears fall so heavy they don't even roll down his cheeks, they go straight down to the floor. He wants to fall on his knees right there, he wants to scream in pain and ask Ryan not to let him do this, to promise him everything will change, to convince him there's a solution.

He bites his lips until he tastes blood, and not even that pain is enough to cover the feeling of being tore up inside, his chest open, his heart disappearing.

He leaves the letter on the bedside table, and he digs his nails in his palms not to touch him, not to succumb. He looks at him, just that. He looks at him and, even if the picture is blurred, he want's to remember Ryan like this. Calm, in peace, unaware of the evil surrounding him. Brendon just turns away when he knows the image is burned in his eyes, in the inside of his eyelids, and he's going to see it every time he blinks.

When he grabs the keys it sounds like the bells ringing for him. He takes his suitcase and goes to the door, unlocking it and opening it. The cold and the wind, the darkness, say welcome, and Brendon is about to step outside when something bums with his feet.

"What are you doing here, baby?" he asks in a low voice, looking at Vegas, who looks back at him with big eyes, wiggling his tail. "Go with you friends, come on. Go with your family," he asks him, blinking the tears away. Vegas doesn't respond. He doesn't understand him. He's too little. "Vegas, come on. You can't come with me. I'm not..." When he moves down to pet him, pushing him away, Vegas moves and licks his hand, trying to climb his arm. When Brendon picks him up in his arms, Vegas cuddles with him and, just like that, he falls asleep.

Vegas. His Vegas. The puppy with the cursed name, who came home to bring light and since that day it's only been gray. Ryan told him Vegas reminded him of Brendon, and maybe he wasn't wrong about that.

With the puppy in his arms and the suitcase in his hand, Brendon close the door behind him and closes his eyes. Here his life ends. Here begins nothing.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm. So. Sorry. I'm the one to blame for this ending, Xipypuck hated it but I'm an evil motherfucker and wanted to show the worst consequences there could be, because it happens, pressure and media and bulling (cause that's what they were doing to Brendon, it was bulling) break people, hurt them, and make them do things like this. Before you want to kill me, let me tell you there's a third part coming out soon because Xipypuck wouldn't let me leave them like this, so thank her. Also, we'll be writing the next part in english so we don't have to translate it YAY (you don't care about this last point but IM HAPPY). Anyway, I hope you... liked it? I hope at least it was good entertainment. We'll be back soon. Lots of love.
> 
> -R


End file.
